SNARK WARS

STAR WARS RECAPS AND COMMENTARY. (THE FUN KIND.)

Star Wars #12: Storage Wars

February 18, 2021

Luke truly lives the life of a Jedi; Han would prefer a less civilized weapon; Anakin just wants to be a more involved parent.

"Luke, some primal instinct to Protect Obi-Wan At All Costs within him activated, is like “LISTEN HERE, INDIANA JONES: THAT OLD FOSSIL BELONGS IN A DAMN MUSEUM BEN KENOBI IS A GREAT MAN AND HE HAD GREAT HAIR AND HE’S KICKED MORE ASSES THAN YOU” and you know, I’d laugh and everything, except that I am totally on Luke’s side here. How dare you, Han Solo."

-- Star Wars: Episode IV, Part V: See You In The Next Life

"Threepio shows Anakin in, and Padme immediately is like “all right, get lost Threepio, I need to hold a special session of the Senate in Anakin’s pants like yesterday."

-- The Clone Wars, Season 2, Episode 4: Rush Hour

"Lady, you’re the one who speed-walked away from him the last time you guys talked about feelings; you can’t just throw this out there now. Also there is kind of a lot of other stuff going on right now, and he’s trying to help you. What precisely are you hoping he’ll do about your love-that-can-never-be situation at this exact moment out here in what is basically the Senate parking lot?"

The Clone Wars, Season 2, Episode 14: It’s Always the Ones That, In Hindsight, You Really Should Have Suspected

"Anyways, Anakin declares this the Happiest Moment of His Life, which of course means that literally nothing good will ever happen to him ever again."

Star Wars: Episode III, Part II: The Tragedy of Anakin Skywalker the Unwise

"I didn’t even realize until I went to pull the screengrabs that Qui-Gon even touches Obi-Wan’s cheek as he’s imparting his last words, as does Satine. I’m sure Obi-Wan appreciates the attention to callbacks, guys! HIS PAIN RHYMES WITH HIS OTHER PAIN."

The Clone Wars, Season 5, Episode 16: ‘Til Darth Do Us Part

"Bridger, you just pulled a woman through a goddamned wrinkle in time — at this point I’m pretty sure “large wolf partially haunted by ghost of my Master” isn’t even a stretch at this point. (As an aside, the sheer batshittery going on here surely means we are at Maul Threat Level Orange, minimum, everyone, so stay vigilant.)"

Rebels, Season 4, Episode 13: No One’s Ever Really Gone

"I AM DYING THAT THIS ADORABLE FUCKER IS FIFTY GODDAMN YEARS OLD, which means that THIS BABY AND ANAKIN SKYWALKER WERE BORN AT THE SAME TIME. ANAKIN’S ENTIRE LIFE HAS BEEN OVER FOR 5 YEARS ALREADY. The ENTIRE LUCAS-ERA SKYWALKER SAGA HAS COME AND GONE AND THIS TINY DUDE IS STILL CHILLING IN BLANKET BURRITO IN A DAMN BASSINET. HE BASICALLY NAPPED THROUGH THE ENTIRE CLONE WARS AND THE ENTIRE EMPIRE. I love him. I LOVE HIM."

The Mandalorian, Season 1, Chapter 1: The Mandadorable

Just to reiterate: Obi-Wan was off gathering important information that could save countless lives at great personal risk, and in the meantime Anakin was off BEING FED GRAPES IN BED BY HIS SECRET WIFE. I promise I’m laughing as I say this? But FUCK YOU, ANAKIN."

Wild Space, Part III: It’s a Hard-Knock Life

"Considering how important Obi-Wan’s continued existence and Jediness is going to be for both the Jedi AND the entire universe in the long-term, they should be sending Satine a damn “thank you for not (continuing to be?) having sex with this man” stipend on a weekly basis instead of pulling this kind of crap."

The Clone Wars, Season 4, Episode 15: The Worst-Laid Plans

"As mandated by the Rules of Galaxy, of course, there are only a handful of reasons to ever go to this Sandy Nightmare Planet: 1. To pick up a Skywalker, 2. To find Obi-Wan Kenobi and/or rifle through his stuff, or 3. Because your shirtless nightmare told you to. In this go-round, we’re entering through Door Number 2."

Rebels, Season 3, Episode 17: This Could Be The Last Time

"I have never felt closer to a character in Star Wars than I do to Padme in this moment. I, too, would be unable to comprehend what was happening if the government sent me Obi-Wan and Anakin as presents."

Star Wars: Episode II, Part I: Attack of the Hormones

"Yoda now proceeds to snatch food off of Luke’s little table and eat it. Please recall that Yoda’s last exposure to the Skywalkers was walking through the aftermath of Anakin’s Tornado of Death in the Jedi Temple. I kind of feel like some part of Yoda was like “well, he seems like a good kid and all, but also THIS FAMILY OWES ME AT LEAST A FUCKING GRANOLA BAR if I’m gonna wade into all THIS again.”"

Star Wars: Episode V, Part III: Swamp Thing

"Basically, Mid-Level Project Manager Orson Krennic is going to talk to his company’s VP to discuss some challenges on his recent assignment. It’s just that instead of going up a couple floors to the executive offices, he’s had to meet this guy AT HIS LAVA CASTLE BUILT ON THE SITE OF HIS GREATEST HEARTBREAK.”"

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, Part III: Set Your Weapons to Pun

"Honestly, now I’m starting to get confused as to whether Anakin is arguing with this guy or just hitting on him. Which, in fairness, is pretty much how Anakin was raised to deal with bad guys by the Ultimate Grand Master of Sexually-Charged Trash Talk, Obi-Wan Kenobi. "

The Clone Wars, Season 6, Episode 5: If Only There’d Been Warning Signs

"I can’t even believe this guy is upright anymore given the hundreds of electrocutions, injuries, near-death experiences and dramatic jumping-out-of-exploding-things he’s already experienced, but sure, Kenobi: you should probably spend your waning years of physical health beating things with heavy sticks."

Star Wars #15: Adventures in Babysitting

"Padme, meanwhile, is sick of this bullshit: she’s packing her 157 steamer trunks of hats and wigs and capes and beaded ballgowns that she uses as nightwear and she’s going back to Naboo, damn it!"

Star Wars: Episode I, Part V: Parent-Teacher Conferences

"Satine? Goes Full Skywalker here and is like I WILL HAVE YOUR ASS KICKED IF YOU DON’T TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO KNOW and Padme has to be like “…whoa girl, let’s just take it down a notch or twelve” and Satine is like DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO AMIDALA and just…ladies and gentlemen, if you do not think OBI-WAN KENOBI HAS A TYPE, well, I do not know what to even tell you anymore."

The Clone Wars, Season 3, Episode 5: We Have So Much In Common

"This means that Anakin, Hero Space Pilot, is going to have to try and land what’s left of this smoldering ship. Can he do it? Will they make it? I would be remiss if I did not point out what many others, including myself, have before, which is that if all of them had just crashed and died here, the universe would almost certainly have ended up in better shape than it does. Oops."

Star Wars: Episode III, Part I: I’m Not Leaving Without You

"Luke instead is like GOLLY BEN: do you really think we’ll find a pilot to take us to Alderaan here? So, Luke is MORE skeptical of the idea that they can find themselves a glorified Uber driver here than he is about the fact that this old dude he’s traveling with just told him HE CAN CAUSE STRANGERS TO DO HIS BIDDING USING MIND POWERS? "

Star Wars: Episode IV, Part III: A Wretched Hive of Smug and Absurdity

"Sidious tells Vader not to worry about some reports of the Rebel fleet near Sullust, and then grandstands about how soon they’ll be crrrrrrrrushed and Luke will be “one of us”. LOL. You mean an overdramatic idiot with superpowers who enjoys showboating? Done and done, Excellency. "

Star Wars: Episode VI, Part III: Our Dearly Departed

"Anakin is having what is entertainingly described as a moment of clarity, which is funny because A) I don’t know if “I’ve finally decided to lean into my murderous rage” should be considered a clear-headed decision, and B) as if I’m ever going to believe Anakin had a moment of his life that didn’t involve at LEAST 10% confusion and befuddlement. He is in constant need of supervision. "

Revenge of the Sith, Part II: Speak Now Or Forever Hold Your Peace

"Obi-Wan spots a settlement on Tatooine that they can land on, possibly because the Force is like, blasting the supernatural equivalent of a John Philip Sousa march at him all GO LAND **RIGHT** **HERE**, YOU NEED TO DO THIS JUST TRUST ME IT DEFINITELY WON’T RUIN YOUR LIFE, ba-da-da-da-daaaaa! "

Star Wars: Episode I, Part II: Coarse, Rough and Irritating

"It’s Qui-Gon! And he’s here to check up with Obi-Wan on how things are going with Project Let’s Train the Chosen One Even Though Everyone Kept Telling Us Not To."

The Clone Wars, Season 3, Episode 15: Your Destiny Lies Along a Much Weirder Path Than Mine

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Recurring Themes and More

Ahsoka Tano Anakin Is The Worst Employee I Swear to God Anakin Loves Ahsoka Anakin Loves Obi-Wan Anakin Loves Padme Anakin Loves Palpatine Anakin Skywalker - Human Lightning Rod Anakin Skywalker and His Life of Bad Choices Asajj Ventress Bad Ideas of the Jedi Bail Loves Obi-Wan Bail Organa Beru Whitesun Bo-Katan Kryze Boba Fett Bounty Hunters Cad Bane Carnelion IV Chewbacca Count Dooku Crappy Destiny Crystal Quest Dagobah Darksaber Dark Side Foreshadow Darth Sidious Darth Sidious Makes a Guest Appearance as Himself Darth Vader Darth Vader Screws Himself Over Electrocution Enough of That Old Trauma Let's Start Experiencing Some New Trauma Faked Death Force Vision Quest General Grievous Geonosis Han Loves Leia Han Solo Holocrons with the Jedi Order's Famous Chili Recipe Hondo Ohnaka I'm More Powerful Than All of You I'm No Jedi I'm Suing This Show For Pain and Suffering I Am a Jedi Jabba the Hutt Jedi Kids Kolara Leia Organa Luke Loves Obi-Wan Luke Skywalker Luke Skywalker's Neverending Personal Destiny Quests Mace Windu Mandalore Martini Drinking Maul More Bummers Brought to You By Anakin Skywalker Mortis Mother Pran Mustafar My Ridiculously Circuitous Plan is One-Quarter Complete Obi-Wan's Life is the Worst Obi-Wan and Anakin Need Marriage Counseling Obi-Wan Brings People Together Obi-Wan Earns That Paycheck Obi-Wan Loves Anakin Obi-Wan Loves Luke Obi-Wan McSassypants and the Angry One Oblivious to the Obvious One More Thing For Obi-Wan To Discuss with His Therapist Ostentaciousness Is Our Speciality Owen Lars Padme Amidala Padme Loves Anakin Palpatine Strikes Again Pre Vizsla Qui-Gon Jinn Revenge of Revenge of the Sith Rex Ridiculous Complexity Sana Starros Satine Kryze Savage Oppress Secret History Reveal Sith Eyes Sithtacular Sithtacular Tarkin Tatooine The Beginning of the End Again The Dark Side Stole My Boyfriend The Dark Times The Death Watch Is Not A Shitty Band The Jedi Council's Greatest Hits The Unbearable Sadness of Obi-Wan This Show Is Insane Tragic Backstory Undercover Why Are You Doing This To Me Filoni Haven't I Suffered Enough Why Knock When You Can Just Badass Your Way In Wistful Sunset Gazing Yoda You Can Kill Pretty Much Anyone Except Maul

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