Sheev gets the dominoes lined up; Obi-Wan gets a really important assignment (and lives through more trauma); Yoda is understandably not sure about any of this.
Palpatine’s on the verge of a promotion; Padme’s ready to throw down; Obi-Wan has another wonderful day.
Vader is, as usual, harder to kill than expected; this round of Crystal Quest pays off.
Qui-Gon collects his winnings; Anakin says a significant goodbye (and a significant hello); Palpatine is, was, and ever shall be the goddamn worst.
Mace, Yoda and Obi-Wan are really bumming me out; Anakin’s looking for a quick fix; Sidious is lining it all up.
Qui-Gon makes the galaxy’s most significant bet; Anakin probably buys that Boonta Eve poster he keeps in his room later.
Artoo saves the gang for the first of what is surely at least a hundred times by now; it’s time once again for some coarse, rough, irritating sand.
Padme’s got a secret; Anakin doesn’t know what he wants (and doesn’t know what a metaphor is.)
Having survived the first part of their assignment, the Jedi Kids Club takes to the sky — and runs into the Jedi Order’s Crazy Drunk Uncle.
We go back to the beginning, which is easily as weird and dorky as the middle and the end. (Also Obi-Wan’s terrible haircut is there.)
"Luke, some primal instinct to Protect Obi-Wan At All Costs within him activated, is like “LISTEN HERE, INDIANA JONES: THAT OLD FOSSIL BELONGS IN A DAMN MUSEUM BEN KENOBI IS A GREAT MAN AND HE HAD GREAT HAIR AND HE’S KICKED MORE ASSES THAN YOU” and you know, I’d laugh and everything, except that I am totally on Luke’s side here. How dare you, Han Solo."
"Threepio shows Anakin in, and Padme immediately is like “all right, get lost Threepio, I need to hold a special session of the Senate in Anakin’s pants like yesterday."
"Lady, you’re the one who speed-walked away from him the last time you guys talked about feelings; you can’t just throw this out there now. Also there is kind of a lot of other stuff going on right now, and he’s trying to help you. What precisely are you hoping he’ll do about your love-that-can-never-be situation at this exact moment out here in what is basically the Senate parking lot?"
"Anyways, Anakin declares this the Happiest Moment of His Life, which of course means that literally nothing good will ever happen to him ever again."
"I didn’t even realize until I went to pull the screengrabs that Qui-Gon even touches Obi-Wan’s cheek as he’s imparting his last words, as does Satine. I’m sure Obi-Wan appreciates the attention to callbacks, guys! HIS PAIN RHYMES WITH HIS OTHER PAIN."
"Bridger, you just pulled a woman through a goddamned wrinkle in time — at this point I’m pretty sure “large wolf partially haunted by ghost of my Master” isn’t even a stretch at this point. (As an aside, the sheer batshittery going on here surely means we are at Maul Threat Level Orange, minimum, everyone, so stay vigilant.)"
"I AM DYING THAT THIS ADORABLE FUCKER IS FIFTY GODDAMN YEARS OLD, which means that THIS BABY AND ANAKIN SKYWALKER WERE BORN AT THE SAME TIME. ANAKIN’S ENTIRE LIFE HAS BEEN OVER FOR 5 YEARS ALREADY. The ENTIRE LUCAS-ERA SKYWALKER SAGA HAS COME AND GONE AND THIS TINY DUDE IS STILL CHILLING IN BLANKET BURRITO IN A DAMN BASSINET. HE BASICALLY NAPPED THROUGH THE ENTIRE CLONE WARS AND THE ENTIRE EMPIRE. I love him. I LOVE HIM."
Just to reiterate: Obi-Wan was off gathering important information that could save countless lives at great personal risk, and in the meantime Anakin was off BEING FED GRAPES IN BED BY HIS SECRET WIFE. I promise I’m laughing as I say this? But FUCK YOU, ANAKIN."
"Considering how important Obi-Wan’s continued existence and Jediness is going to be for both the Jedi AND the entire universe in the long-term, they should be sending Satine a damn “thank you for not (continuing to be?) having sex with this man” stipend on a weekly basis instead of pulling this kind of crap."
"As mandated by the Rules of Galaxy, of course, there are only a handful of reasons to ever go to this Sandy Nightmare Planet: 1. To pick up a Skywalker, 2. To find Obi-Wan Kenobi and/or rifle through his stuff, or 3. Because your shirtless nightmare told you to. In this go-round, we’re entering through Door Number 2."
"I have never felt closer to a character in Star Wars than I do to Padme in this moment. I, too, would be unable to comprehend what was happening if the government sent me Obi-Wan and Anakin as presents."
"Yoda now proceeds to snatch food off of Luke’s little table and eat it. Please recall that Yoda’s last exposure to the Skywalkers was walking through the aftermath of Anakin’s Tornado of Death in the Jedi Temple. I kind of feel like some part of Yoda was like “well, he seems like a good kid and all, but also THIS FAMILY OWES ME AT LEAST A FUCKING GRANOLA BAR if I’m gonna wade into all THIS again.”"
"Basically, Mid-Level Project Manager Orson Krennic is going to talk to his company’s VP to discuss some challenges on his recent assignment. It’s just that instead of going up a couple floors to the executive offices, he’s had to meet this guy AT HIS LAVA CASTLE BUILT ON THE SITE OF HIS GREATEST HEARTBREAK.”"
"Honestly, now I’m starting to get confused as to whether Anakin is arguing with this guy or just hitting on him. Which, in fairness, is pretty much how Anakin was raised to deal with bad guys by the Ultimate Grand Master of Sexually-Charged Trash Talk, Obi-Wan Kenobi. "
"I can’t even believe this guy is upright anymore given the hundreds of electrocutions, injuries, near-death experiences and dramatic jumping-out-of-exploding-things he’s already experienced, but sure, Kenobi: you should probably spend your waning years of physical health beating things with heavy sticks."
"Padme, meanwhile, is sick of this bullshit: she’s packing her 157 steamer trunks of hats and wigs and capes and beaded ballgowns that she uses as nightwear and she’s going back to Naboo, damn it!"
"Satine? Goes Full Skywalker here and is like I WILL HAVE YOUR ASS KICKED IF YOU DON’T TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO KNOW and Padme has to be like “…whoa girl, let’s just take it down a notch or twelve” and Satine is like DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO AMIDALA and just…ladies and gentlemen, if you do not think OBI-WAN KENOBI HAS A TYPE, well, I do not know what to even tell you anymore."
"This means that Anakin, Hero Space Pilot, is going to have to try and land what’s left of this smoldering ship. Can he do it? Will they make it? I would be remiss if I did not point out what many others, including myself, have before, which is that if all of them had just crashed and died here, the universe would almost certainly have ended up in better shape than it does. Oops."
"Luke instead is like GOLLY BEN: do you really think we’ll find a pilot to take us to Alderaan here? So, Luke is MORE skeptical of the idea that they can find themselves a glorified Uber driver here than he is about the fact that this old dude he’s traveling with just told him HE CAN CAUSE STRANGERS TO DO HIS BIDDING USING MIND POWERS? "
"Sidious tells Vader not to worry about some reports of the Rebel fleet near Sullust, and then grandstands about how soon they’ll be crrrrrrrrushed and Luke will be “one of us”. LOL. You mean an overdramatic idiot with superpowers who enjoys showboating? Done and done, Excellency. "
"Anakin is having what is entertainingly described as a moment of clarity, which is funny because A) I don’t know if “I’ve finally decided to lean into my murderous rage” should be considered a clear-headed decision, and B) as if I’m ever going to believe Anakin had a moment of his life that didn’t involve at LEAST 10% confusion and befuddlement. He is in constant need of supervision. "
"Obi-Wan spots a settlement on Tatooine that they can land on, possibly because the Force is like, blasting the supernatural equivalent of a John Philip Sousa march at him all GO LAND **RIGHT** **HERE**, YOU NEED TO DO THIS JUST TRUST ME IT DEFINITELY WON’T RUIN YOUR LIFE, ba-da-da-da-daaaaa! "
"It’s Qui-Gon! And he’s here to check up with Obi-Wan on how things are going with Project Let’s Train the Chosen One Even Though Everyone Kept Telling Us Not To."
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