Star Wars: Episode III, Part II: The Tragedy of Anakin Skywalker the Unwise

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (Part II)

Before I jump back into the comics, or the next Rebels episode arrives to kill me dead, let’s continue our march towards the inevitable today with another installment from one of my most-beloved Star Wars saga episodes, Revenge of the Sith. Last time we visited this film, the boys had just survived one of their patented Brushes With Death, and crash-landed onto Coruscant after rescuing the poor, defenseless Chancellor Palpatine from General Grievous. Also Anakin beheaded Count Dooku and was maybe thinking that wasn’t his best idea ever (sort of.)

Today’s recap covers approximately minutes 23 through 48 of this episode, and OH MY GOD: I really cannot believe how much stuff George Lucas managed to cram into 25 minutes. Anakin’s going to be getting all KINDS of big news, we’re going to make major headway in sowing important discord between Anakin and pretty much everyone but Palpatine, Obi-Wan’s going to begin his final descent into Infinite Sadness, and we’re gonna cap it allllll off with an Ominous Night at the Opera. Away we go!

You and Me Could Have a Rad Bromance

We open back on Coruscant, where our boys have collected themselves after their eventful Happy Landing. Anakin steps out of the shuttle that’s brought them all to the Senate building, and he turns around and is like “OK, babe, let’s go” to Obi-Wan, and Obi-Wan…OK. Let me pause here. There are times, like that one episode from the Zygerria arc of TCW, or when he’s interrogating Jango Fett in Attack of the Clones, or right damn now, when Obi-Wan is so ridiculously into HIS OWN SELF that it demands acknowledgment. I’d blame this entirely on Ewan McGregor (and let’s be real, it’s definitely at least partly his fault), but even when Obi-Wan was an old man in the original trilogy, he’s smirking and pleased with himself at least 50% of the time anyways. This is who Obi-Wan is, really. I can’t say I blame him. Behold:

He tells Anakin that he’s not coming with: he’s off to go blather on to the Council or fill out paperwork or whatever boring shit Obi-Wan does for fun. He says that it’s Anakin’s turn to have to deal with the politicians and Anakin’s all like NOW WAIT A DAMN MINUTE WHY SHOULD I SUFFER ALONE and just GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE WITH THIS, YOU TWO. No one is buying your “oh eww politicians” routine, Mssrs Amidala and Kryze. Like, I’m starting to wonder if they leaned into this thinking it was a great cover story. “Yeah, if I bitch about politicians every 5 minutes of my life, no one will suspect that I am in love with one of them!” Sure guys.

Anyways, this whole sequence is fucking adorable, regardless, because they are both giving each other mild shit while also complimenting each other (with Obi-Wan heaping praise on Anakin’s heroics, while Anakin gives all credit to the man who trained him,) and there is too much love in this room and I need some air. Finally, Obi-Wan handsomely takes his leave, and Anakin heads off, and my heart explodes.

Recurring Theme: Oh I’m So Glad The Evil Guy’s Not Dead

Mace Windu steps forward to greet the throng of assembled Senators and the Chancellor, and is like OH THANK GOODNESS YOU ARE SAFE SIR. Poor Mace. Sigh.

Palpatine is like yes oh THANK GOODNESS your two hottest guys came and saved little old me, AND, bonus: Dooku’s dead, so, throw one in the win column for the Republic amirite? Sucks that Grievous got away though!


Doesn’t this look like the face of an honest man?

Mace tells him that Grievous is a coward who’ll run and hide, and Palpatine is like “we’d better kill him, though, because otherwise This Horrible War that I totally did not start myself, as part of a War for Fun and Profit Gambit, will never end!” Windu tells him that the Jedi will make sure that finding Grievous is Top Priority — even above gossiping about everyone or finally getting electricity at the Jedi Temple.

Bail Organa and Anakin Skywalker, Future Dads

Hey look it’s Bail Organa guys! Bail Organa!


Would you mind watching my kid for me real quick?

Anakin catches up with our favorite Alderaanian dad and the two of them chat briefly about how the war won’t end until Grievous is dead.  (Oh, also: as this scene starts, Artoo regales Threepio with the Tales of Their Daring Crash-Landing and is being a huge drama queen about it and I laughed.)

Anakin becomes aware that someone’s lurking in the shadows that he’d rather talk to, so he excuses himself and goes bolting over to Padme, who’s been just sort of awkwardly creeping on him for the last couple minutes. I know this scene with Bail and Anakin was super short, but I like that Lucas included it so that we got a quick glimpse of both of Leia’s dads talking shop. *sniffle*

Recurring Theme: This Is The Happiest Moment Of My Life, And Quite Probably The Last Happy Moment I’ll Ever Have

Anakin pulls Padme into a full-body embrace and twirls her around in the air. I like that Anakin is picking up his visibly pregnant wife here and spinning her around and he doesn’t notice anything is different. Well, Anakin’s never been especially perceptive so why the hell start now, I guess.

Padme is thrilled and relieved to see him and this scene is ten kinds of sweet. She was terrified that he’d been killed, because that was the Hot Senate Gossip of the moment. Anakin’s like “nope, I’m not dead, believe it or not! Not yet anyways!”

Then Padme gets a concerned look on her face and Anakin is like WHAT WHAT IS IT TELL ME OMG. In the original script for this scene, there were a few extra lines where Anakin pretty much is like “YOU SLEPT WITH SOMEONE ELSE WHILE I WAS GONE DIDN’T YOU OH MY GOD I HATE MY LIFE” and Padme has to talk him off a ledge before finally being like “you complete dip, it’s not BAD news — I’m pregnant!”

I make a sad face as Anakin processes this and he’s like THIS IS FUCKING RAD I’M GONNA BE A DAD AND WE ARE GOING TO BE SOME KICKASS PARENTS YAAAAAS OMG OBI-WAN AND I ARE GONNA BUILD A CRIB AND WE’RE GONNA TEACH THIS KID TO LEVITATE SHIT AND IT’S GONNA GROW UP AND BE SUPER ATTRACTIVE BECAUSE LOOK AT YOU AND ME PADME LOOK HOW HOT WE ARE IN THIS MOVIE. Padme, for her part, looks decidedly less overjoyed and is like “What are we gonna DO, Anakin?” and he’s like “WHO CARES let’s just tell everyone we’re married right now this is all just fucking BITCHIN’ man I’m gonna be someone’s DAD”. Honestly? Kiiinda feel like Anakin’s laying it on a little thick here. We all know he can’t be THAT excited about the prospect of something cuter than he is taking up all of Padme’s time and attention.

I would like to point out that everyone in this universe is so dopey and misses obvious things so often that I’m not convinced that the Skywalkers would have needed to even try to hide this. Like, Padme could have just given birth to twins that looked and acted like Anakin and Anakin could have been showing up for Council meetings wearing a Moby wrap with a newborn in it and people still might not have made the connection.

Anyways, Anakin declares this the Happiest Moment of His Life, which of course means that literally nothing good will ever happen to him ever again. OH WHY, Star Wars.

Recurring Theme: My Ridiculously Circuitous Plan Is One-Quarter Complete

Grievous makes his way to Utapau, and as soon as he arrives he jumps onto a holo-Skype with Darth Sidious. Sidious: OMG. What a drama llama.

He tells Grievous to send the Separatists to Mustafar (motto: “The Place Where Jedi Go To Die and Then Later Build Comically Overwrought Castles”.) Grievous is like “OK, will do boss, but also aren’t you kind of upset that Dooku’s dead?” and Sidious replies “Don’t sweat it, pal: I am FINALLY almost done with executing my Evil Plan — I’ve got a lead on a new apprentice and he’s more powahful and has way better hair.”

Recurring Theme: Padme Amidala, Not Phoning It In

We cut back to the Skywalkers, who are at Padme’s absolutely posh apartment, where she’s standing out on the balcony brushing her hair all la la la la got myself a hot Jedi husband and everything’s gonna be fiiiiiiiine. Anakin is just standing there making heart eyes at her.

OK: Padme’s outfit here. She is wearing a nightgown, as in a thing you sleep in, that has strands of pearls AND A CAPE. A cape! This badass WORE A CAPE TO BED and she’s supposed to be pretty heavily pregnant WITH TWINS. Having been pregnant multiple times myself, I will tell you that by the time I was that pregnant I was just happy when I had sweatpants that still fit OK. Not Padme: doesn’t even matter that no one but Anakin is even going to SEE her like this, she’s not about to half-ass this shit. I salute you, Amidala.

Recurring Theme: Another Scene I Will Throw Down For

This scene gets a lot of shit for its dialogue. I would like to point out a couple of things here:

  1. Hi, welcome to Star Wars, where the dialogue is perpetually a mix of hilarious things said in EXTREME, near-embarrassing earnestness (e.g. nearly everything Luke Skywalker has ever said,) or Overwrought Drama-Filled Craziness (e.g. nearly everything Sidious or Vader say,) for one thing. I personally find it charming and I always have. Half the reason I show up for Star Wars in the first place is its legacy of cornball/insane dialogue.
  2. I find this dialogue here, in this scene, actually quite sweet. The whole “I only look pretty because I’m in love with you”/”No no I love you more”/”Ha ha, so you only think I’m pretty because you love me?” goofy crap is…well, that is the sort of shit people who are in love with each other say sometimes? I never know what to say to people when they declare that “couples don’t talk like this”, other than to shrug and quietly note that I have been very happily married for over a decade and it doesn’t sound that outrageously wrong to me, especially for the drama-rific Old Timey Love dynamic these two are supposed to have. For whatever it’s worth.

Also, Anakin looks utterly besotted with her here, and I think Hayden did a really good job and as much as I’d like to keep talking about this scene I am tired of defending these movies and their actors so I am just gonna move on. No one else has to like this movie if they don’t want to, because I will love it enough for all of us. Anyways, onward: the next scene is Important.

Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, Shirtless Nightmare-Haver

LOL. There’s no artful way for me to ease my way into this part. It’s the middle of the night now, and Anakin bolts awake after having a blurry vision of a distressed Padme in labor. This is the second time in the Star Wars saga movies that Anakin Skywalker (who is amusingly buff in this movie) has a sweaty, shirtless nightmare and you know what? Women get trotted out for eye candy purposes in fantasy/action/superhero/sci-fi movies an awful damn lot, so I’m not even going to make any apologies for Star Wars here. George Lucas, if you’re out there, you are a visionary and a genius and underappreciated for your contributions to cinema.


The CG Arm: ILM’s greatest achievement?

Anakin sits up and shows off his CGI (!!) arm here briefly, before getting out of bed and throwing on this super fancy silk robe that I assume Padme must have bought for him because it seems a little much for the Jedi, who are probably like “whatever just sleep in this burlap sack.” (Do the Jedi get jammies? Like honest-to-goodness pajamas? God, there’s a mental image. I mean they must, right? Don’t tell me they’re sleeping in the nude. I am barely holding on to any semblance of seriousness in this recap as it is.)
rots-part2-25Padme, wearing a full face of well-applied makeup and with her hair still in a partial updo like Prom Night might unexpectedly break out in her bedroom at 3AM or something and she wants to be ready, notes that Anakin’s left the room and Looks Concerned.


Keep Right On Dreaming Til My Dreaming Comes True

Anakin’s in that open-air living room of Padme’s (WHICH I LOVE SO MUCH OMG THIS ROOM WHY DOES SHE GET ALL THE FANCY THINGS) when Padme comes out to meet him. He initially tries to avoid talking about his nightmare by deflecting and mentioning the japor snippet that he made, and gave to her back in Episode 1, which Padme is wearing. She’s like “nice try, pal, but if I can stay focused with you being this unrelentingly handsome here I’m not about to be distracted by a necklace: what’s really going on?” He tells her that he had a nightmare, similar to the ones he had about his mother, just before she died. His dream was about Padme dying in childbirth.
rots-part2-28She shakes it off: it was just a dream, after all. He gets all moody and is like YEAH AND IT’S ONE THAT WON’T HAPPEN OK DO YOU HEAR ME?!? She points out that this whole “having a baby” thing is going to change their lives — she probably won’t be able to stay a Senator (WTF? WHY? Because she’s pregnant? Or because she let herself get knocked up by a Jedi? Either way, that sucks. She’s not the one who was supposed to be married to the Space Monk Order and broke her vows. What a crock.) She also says that Anakin’s in for a bad time when the Jedi find out he slipped one past the goalie here, too, and speculates that maybe Obi-Wan could help them.

Anakin, stupidly, is like “nah why would I ever ask my best friend who loves me, who I have spent nearly every important moment of the war with, and whom I am deeply committed to for help?” Yeah good point — why would OBI-WAN want to help you, Anakin? You should probably just talk to Yoda and Fucking Palpatine about your problems. GODDAMNIT. Sigh.

Recurring Theme: Big Fat Missed Opportunity

It’s daytime now, and we’re in that closet that Yoda has with the mini-blinds. Anakin is looking to Yoda for advice about his crazy-ass dreams, and OMG these two in this scene FOR FUCK’S SAKE I can’t even with either of them. They are both being so ridiculously unclear here, I’m not sure how EITHER of them were supposed to come away from this conversation in a better place (so I guess it’s no surprise that they don’t.)

Anakin vaguebooks that he’s been having visions of someone dying. Yoda’s like “Who? You? Someone you know? DETAILS, SKYWALKER.” I like that Anakin, who is a general actively fighting in a war, is like “hey I’m scared about someone I know dying”, as though Yoda’s gonna be able to see how this is different than what like, THE ENTIRE JEDI ORDER IS EXPERIENCING EVERY DAY RIGHT NOW. This is probably like the 10th one of these meetings Yoda’s had this week. Anakin super-helpfully tells him they’re visions of “someone”. And that he doesn’t want it to happen. Well that clears it up!

Yoda then, understandably, is like “well, uh…I mean, death is something that happens, you know? And if someone is supposed to die, then they will, and you shouldn’t be scared for them if they go back to the Force…” YODA: my little green dude, I love you, but maybe something more detailed than the generic entry on “death” in the Jedi Handbook would have been helpful in this instance, especially since you’re talking to Crazypants Chosen Boy here who you already know is overly attached to everyone, and ANAKIN: you may have gotten more out of this if you had elaborated a little further, pumpkin. I like how the guy who like 20 minutes ago was all “whatever, I don’t care if the universe knows I’m married” is now conveniently leaving out Key Information here.

And YES: I get that Yoda was not of any real assistance here, and only served to make things worse and that the popular argument here is the Jedi Order was the actual worst thing ever poor Anakin blahblahblah. I am not unsympathetic to Anakin’s struggles here, and I like Anakin (I would hope this much is obvious by now.) But please also note that all Anakin really gives him to go on is “I’m pretty worried about someone maybe dying no further text” while glowering at Yoda about how he’ll do everything he can to control the future. Had Anakin decided to lay it all out there, Yoda may have had more to say about this topic than “well we’re all gonna die sometime, Skywalker. Anyways don’t turn evil over this byyyeeeee!” (In fairness: Yoda, you MIGHT HAVE THOUGHT TO ASK SOME MORE FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS before calling it a day here.)

What always makes me laugh about this bit is like…what the fuck did Anakin expect to happen here? He shows up, tells Yoda he’s worried about someone dying, and Yoda was just gonna be like “Oh yeah, totally forgot to mention it before but here’s an anti-death elixir we had back in storage this whole time. Too bad all those other Jedi and clones and civilians died the last few years when we could have just whipped up another batch of this stuff. BOY is my face red!” Or did he expect Yoda to be like “oh yeah, here’s how to use the Force to stop death, which is a thing I know how to do and am now going to ONLY tell YOU specifically about because you are surely the only Jedi in the Order who is worried about someone dying.” ANAKIN WHAT WAS YOUR ANTICIPATED RESOLUTION HERE.

Anyways, whatever: great talk guys. As usual. This is right up there with that conversation Obi-Wan and Anakin had in Anakin’s dorm room in the last Clovis arc of TCW, in that I want to punch them both in the face at the end of it.

Obi-Wan Kenobi, Probably Already Knows He’s Screwed

So with that extremely enlightening discussion behind him, Anakin heads off to the Temple Communications Center which is — OF COURSE — poorly-lit, so that he can have a dimly-illuminated discussion with Obi-Wan. Anakin apologizes for missing the meeting they just had, and Obi-Wan informs him that the Outer Rim sieges are going well (and we get a quick shout-out to Quinlan Vos, who I want you all to remember once went on a Wacky Adventure with Obi-Wan that involved a room with an actual disco ball and this happened IN CANON.) Obi-Wan, grimly, tells Anakin that the Senate is expected to give more power to Palpatine again today.

Anakin is like “well good, right? The war will end quicker this way because the most surefire way to achieve peace is to give more and more power to a single person and hope they’re not secretly a Sith Lord!!” Obi-Wan gives Anakin a long-suffering look and tells him to watch himself: his pal Palps may not be all he seems, and all of this is making Obi-Wan Have a Bad Feeling About This. He tells Anakin the chancellor’s asked to see him. Obi-Wan’s body language is so incredibly depressing here — he’s hunched over like he’s got the weight of the universe on his shoulders, and he does.

Recurring Theme: Nobody Loves You As Much As Your Wicked Uncle

This next scene cracks me up because, if memory serves, there’s supposed to be more dialogue at the beginning that got cut, and so the intro is just HYSTERICALLY AWKWARD, because it makes it look like Anakin and Palpatine are first just wordlessly walking around Palpatine’s office:

…and then they are just sort of staring silently before Palpatine finally says something. I don’t even care if this is a byproduct of editing, I’m going to declare it canon that they literally were just awkwardly saying nothing to each other for whole minutes.


These two are sure having a good time together, aren’t they? This is one for the scrapbook.

Aaaaanyways, Palpatine is like “Oh ANAKIN I need your help can I rely on yooooou?” and Anakin of course says yes, and that’s when Palpatine, smirking, announces that he’s going to appoint Anakin to be his own personal representative on the Jedi Council.
Anakin is like HOLY SHIT! NICE. Thanks, Evil Dad! I don’t think my Non-Evil Dads are going to go for this though! Palpatine is pretty much like “oh, I think they’ll have to GET OK with this…” and well, this all seems like a great idea.

Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, Yeller of Things

At last! I finally get to recap Live-Action Council Room, but sadly it’s daytime so I can’t make fun of it for having no electricity. Man, this scene is something. Anakin’s standing in front of the council, in the Center Of The Room That They Use For Judging People, and everyone’s like “So. Palpatine putting you on this council is Some Bullshit.”

Anakin initially halfassedly attempts to be humble and understanding here and that’s when Mace Windu drops the bomb: sure, kid, you can be on the Council. But you don’t get promoted to Jedi Master and we’re not upgrading your parking space or letting you eat in the executive dining room and you will continue to bill at the same hourly rate as before.”
rots-part2-43Oh my God, ANAKIN. He launches into a whiny snit about how THIS IS AN OUTRAGE HOW VERY DARE YOU ALL I’M SO MUCH BETTER THAN EVERY FUCKING PERSON HERE, and the best part of this scene is EASILY Obi-Wan Kenobi and Mace Windu. Mace is like “…this fucking kid”:
rots-part2-41…and Obi-Wan at first looks like an embarrassed parent who is trying to wordlessly warn their kid against having a meltdown in public:
rots-part2-42…and then, as Anakin finally takes a seat, Obi-Wan SHAKES HIS HEAD AT HIM like he’s going to DOCK ANAKIN’S ALLOWANCE.
GOOD GRIEF this scene is glorious. Everyone looks uneasy, then they have a brief conversation about sending Yoda to Kashyyk (Ooh! I hope it’s almost Life Day!) as they call it a day.

One More Step Away

The bitching does not cease simply because the meeting’s over, though, as Anakin continues to rant and rave at Obi-Wan after they leave. He complains that not getting promo’d to Jedi Master is an INSULT!!! and Obi-Wan all but tells him to shove it: Anakin is the youngest person they’ve ever had on the Council and he should be happy that they even let him do THAT.

Anakin goes and stands by a window, because this is an important scene so he was required by law to do so. That’s when Obi-Wan reveals that the Council has a Super Secret Assignment for Anakin — one they didn’t want on the books. They want Anakin to spy on the Chancellor for them, because they think this guy is up to some shady stuff. (JUST NOW? FINALLY? GUYS. Too little, WAY too late.)


The sun is setting ON THEIR LOVE :'(

Anakin is appalled: but My Pal Palpatine is SO NICE WHY DO THEY WANT TO SPY ON HIM? Obi-Wan, looking pained, explains that the Jedi serve the Senate and not the Chancellor — who he points out has way overstayed his term. Anakin, in response is like “that wasn’t his fault! Everyone demanded he stay longer he’s not shady and has no Secret Evil Plans!!” Oh Anakin. You are dumb. I love you, but…sometimes.
rots-part2-53Finally Anakin is like “THIS IS BOGUS MAN HOW CAN YOU ASK ME TO DO THIS OBI-WAN I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME” and Obi-Wan, now looking like he’s either going to cry, be sick, or binge-drink (or all of the above), tells him solemnly that it’s not something Obi-Wan is asking him to do: it’s something the Council is asking him to do.


Yet another wonderful moment in Obi-Wan’s life.

Recurring Theme: The Thing We Staked It All On Might Not Pan Out

Obi-Wan is now en route to dropping Yoda off on his next assignment, and Mace Windu’s along with them as well. The three of them, of course, are gossiping about Anakin and the Chancellor. Mace is super unimpressed and flat-out says he doesn’t trust either of them. Obi-Wan, looking all earnest and hopeful is like “but isn’t Anakin The Chosen One?”


Mace is like “pfft according to Qui-Gon’s crazy ass, I guess” and Yoda plainly states that maybe this whole prophecy thing was misinterpreted in the first place.


Ouch! Obi-Wan looks mildly crushed by this because A) Anakin is his little buddy and he loves him and B) please recall that Obi-Wan has tethered his life to Anakin because his own Space Dad made him vow to Train the Chosen One with his dying breath.

Obi-Wan swallows his sadness here and tells them that Anakin will not let him down — he never has. Well, thanks George. Thanks a lot. I didn’t need a heart anyways.

I’m Just Going Through Some Things Right Now

Anakin and Padme are chatting in Padme’s apartment again, and I feel robbed, because I’m pretty sure this scene was supposed to have some lines about them speculating if their baby would be a boy or a girl and Anakin was supposed to get kicked hard by “the baby” and declare that it had to be a girl. (OH WHY STAR WARS. Also I love the idea of Leia already trying to kick Anakin’s ass FROM THE WOMB, which she totally would.) George Lucas is lucky I wasn’t his primary consultant for this film because I would not only have advised him not to cut anything, I also would have told him to add an additional 1200 scenes, and this movie would literally have ended up being 17 hours long.

Anyways, Anakin’s all cranky and Padme’s all concerned and she throws out there that she’s kiiiinda worried that the Republic have actually become the bad guys here. Anakin is NOT COOL with this, accuses her of sounding like a Separatist, and then flips his shit when she asks him to talk to Palpatine about letting diplomacy resume. Padme talks him down, kind of, but he looks Troubled as the scene ends.

Recurring Theme: Bonding Time With My Evil Son

OH MY GOD. People, I know I’ve said this a lot already about many parts of this movie, but I LOVE THIS SCENE. Ohhh my Lord. It’s great. So great.

Anakin is seen tearing up the staircase of the Galaxies Opera House, where he’s off to meet up with Palpatine, who’s watching a crazy-looking show from his private box. Palpatine starts things off by telling Anakin that he’s got a Hot Tip for him: General Grievous is in the Utapau system! Anakin is thrilled: YES! We can go get him! And end the war! I like how there’s no urgency on Anakin’s part to, oh, run off and TELL EVERYONE and go get Grievous immediately. Nah. Not when there’s a Journey to the Dark Side that needs to happen!

The two of them keep talking and Palpatine shoos away the rest of his crew so that he can poison Anakin’s mind in private. He pries and eventually gets what he’s looking for: Anakin admits that he’s feeling a loss of trust in the Council, who have asked him to spy on him, and Palpatine is all tongue-clickingly “what a shame, you know, it’s almost like the Jedi aren’t any better than anyone else who wants Powah in this universe.” Anakin, nervously, retorts that the Jedi are selfless and good and they have the best hair and how could anyone as handsome as Obi-Wan be involved in something evil?

Palpatine takes this deep breath now and I am DYING because this guy is totally steeling himself for launching into Phase 450 of his YEARS LONG PLAN TO SWINDLE ANAKIN here. He asks Anakin a question: has he ever heard The Tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise?

OK, everyone: please take a moment to appreciate the fact that Palpatine for-real regales Anakin with a SITH LEGEND THAT HE KNOWS FOR SOME REASON. One of the things I love about both the unedited script and the novelization of this movie is that while Anakin is spectacularly slow on the uptake in the actual film, it is SO MUCH BETTER in the extended versions. Like, this is a barely-exaggerated synopsis:

Palpatine: I know lots of stuff about the Sith.

Anakin: Oh really?

Palpatine: I know how to use the Dark Side.

Anakin: You know how to use the Dark Side?

Palpatine: Yes, the Dark Side. I know how to use it. And I know stuff about the Sith.

Anakin: You know stuff about the Sith. Huh. [furrows his brows]

Palpatine: I am a Sith Lord, Anakin.

Anakin: Wait. You know the Dark Side?

Palpatine: Yes. I just told you I’m a Sith Lord.

Anakin: A Sith Lord?!

Palpatine: A Sith Lord — I…you know what? Hang on. [writes “Palpatine = Sith Lord” on a piece of paper and pins the note to Anakin’s shirt]

Anakin: [holding it, reading it] Wait: YOU’RE THE SITH LORD?!

Not From a Jedi

So here we have Palpatine telling Anakin the story about the dude who definitely did not train him, who knew how to use midi-chlorians to create life. Ohhhkay, so, that opens up some interesting possibilities for this saga, all of which are insane and hilarious. Plagueis, he says, also knew how to save people from dying! Anakin makes a face that’s like “whoa, weird: that is super relevant to my interests!”

Palpatine then also tells Anakin that Plagueis ended up getting double-crossed by his own apprentice, who killed him in his sleep. PALPATINE’S FACE HERE IS AMAZING:

He savors this part of the story: he could save others from death, but not himself. Man, I’m right there with you, Palpatine: the ironic drama in this series is my favorite, too. Personally, I am getting one hell of a kick out of the fact that he’s telling this story about The Evil Apprentice Who Killed His Master to his evil apprentice who is going to kill him. Oh Star Wars.

Anakin, very very very slowly thinking things through is like “so…if someone wanted to learn how to save people from dying, could they?”:


…and Palpatine, throwing down one of my FAVORITE THINGS ANYONE IN STAR WARS HAS EVER SAID, turns to Anakin and says, smugly and darkly: “Not from a Jedi.”
DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN! Whatever could he be getting at here?! One thing’s for sure: we’ll figure it out before Anakin does.

With that, we’re done here for today! Next time, on Why Are You Doing This To Me, Star Wars?: Palpatine spells it out for Anakin (again), Anakin has yet another shit fit in the Council room, and the Kenobi-Skywalkers have one last bromantic moment before everything turns sideways. Bring your tissues for next time, and thanks for joining me!

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Ahsoka Tano Anakin Is The Worst Employee I Swear to God Anakin Loves Ahsoka Anakin Loves Obi-Wan Anakin Loves Padme Anakin Loves Palpatine Anakin Skywalker - Human Lightning Rod Anakin Skywalker and His Life of Bad Choices Asajj Ventress Bad Ideas of the Jedi Bail Loves Obi-Wan Bail Organa Beru Whitesun Bo-Katan Kryze Boba Fett Bounty Hunters Cad Bane Carnelion IV Chewbacca Count Dooku Crappy Destiny Crystal Quest Dagobah Darksaber Dark Side Foreshadow Darth Sidious Darth Sidious Makes a Guest Appearance as Himself Darth Vader Darth Vader Screws Himself Over Electrocution Enough of That Old Trauma Let's Start Experiencing Some New Trauma Faked Death Force Vision Quest General Grievous Geonosis Han Loves Leia Han Solo Holocrons with the Jedi Order's Famous Chili Recipe Hondo Ohnaka I'm More Powerful Than All of You I'm No Jedi I'm Suing This Show For Pain and Suffering I Am a Jedi Jabba the Hutt Jedi Kids Kolara Leia Organa Luke Loves Obi-Wan Luke Skywalker Luke Skywalker's Neverending Personal Destiny Quests Mace Windu Mandalore Martini Drinking Maul More Bummers Brought to You By Anakin Skywalker Mother Pran Mustafar My Ridiculously Circuitous Plan is One-Quarter Complete No One Can See Me With My Hood On Obi-Wan's Life is the Worst Obi-Wan and Anakin Need Marriage Counseling Obi-Wan Brings People Together Obi-Wan Earns That Paycheck Obi-Wan Loves Anakin Obi-Wan Loves Luke Obi-Wan McSassypants and the Angry One Oblivious to the Obvious One More Thing For Obi-Wan To Discuss with His Therapist Ostentaciousness Is Our Speciality Owen Lars Padme Amidala Padme Loves Anakin Palpatine Strikes Again Pre Vizsla Qui-Gon Jinn Revenge of Revenge of the Sith Rex Ridiculous Complexity Sana Starros Satine Kryze Savage Oppress Secret History Reveal Sithtacular Sithtacular Tarkin Tatooine The Beginning of the End Again The Dark Side Stole My Boyfriend The Dark Times The Death Watch Is Not A Shitty Band The Jedi Council's Greatest Hits The Unbearable Sadness of Obi-Wan This Show Is Insane Tragic Backstory Tuskens Undercover Why Are You Doing This To Me Filoni Haven't I Suffered Enough Why Knock When You Can Just Badass Your Way In Wistful Sunset Gazing Yoda You Can Kill Pretty Much Anyone Except Maul

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