The Clone Wars, Season 2, Episode 1: Holocron Heist
This is the first installment of this arc.
A new day, a new arc! Today we’re stopping by Season 2 of The Clone Wars to see what wackiness our Jedi friends — and that infamous bounty hunter Chad Something — can get up to this time.
The moral for this installment is “a lesson learned is a lesson earned,” which I initially misread as “a lesson learned is a lesson learned,” and I was like “uh…yes? I guess? Were you guys drunk when you wrote this?” Nope. Apparently I was just drunk when I read it.
Recap Voiceover Guy is here and he’s got a new story to tell us: Team Handsome is trapped! On Felucia! They and some of the clone troopers are surrounded by droids! They can only hope that the Republic sends in help soon! Plo Koon and a whole bunch of Republic ships are trying to help them!
Recurring Theme: Jedi Gymnastics
Obi-Wan notes that it looks like help is on the way, and they should prepare to evacuate. He and Anakin do some cute little dance moves as they retreat. Rex calls out to the troops to start moving out, and Anakin wonders why Ahsoka’s not back from her jungle patrol yet.
Obi-Wan calls her and LOL, she’s basically in the middle of doing a floor routine atop a tank because she’s awesome when he calls her.
Recurring Theme: We Come From A Long Line of Reckless Hotheads
Ahsoka and her troops have broken through, and have the droids on the run. Obi-Wan tells her there’s no point, the Republic’s here to give them a ride home, they’re outnumbered: get your ass home. Ahsoka is upset about this: she’s making progress, and ANAKIN always told her not to give up when she’s got the bad guys where she wants ’em!
Obi-Wan tells her that they’re only retreating to go meet up with the bigger group of droids and there’s no chance she’ll ultimately be successful. You are GETTING on this gunship when we arrive, young lady, or there’ll be no Snapchat or the MTV or hanging out in the mall food court or whatever the hell you young people like these days for you!
Recurring Theme: The Kenobi-Skywalkers, Co-Parenting
Anakin asks Obi-Wan where their kid is, and Obi-Wan’s like “LISTENING TO YOUR DUMB ADVICE AND ACTING LIKE AN IMPULSIVE DOOFUS,” and Anakin’s like, oh:
Obi-Wan says she is, for now, but that’s not going to last. They head off to go pick her up.
Ahsoka is furious when they arrive and refuses to relent until Anakin has to lay down the law and put on his best dad voice to order her onto the ship. Immediately afterwards, the tank she was standing on gets blown to smithereens, and she looks chastised.
Recurring Theme: Let’s All Face It, The Jedi Temple Has No Electricity
The Space Family is now back on Coruscant, in the Council room at the Jedi Temple, and I’m sorry: I know I said a few recaps ago that I would stop pointing this out, but WHY ARE THEY IN THE DARK HERE?! WHY. I want someone to flip the lights on just to prove that it can even be done, because right now my working theory is that that Sith temple that’s buried underneath the Jedi temple (which, by the way, is absolutely HYSTERICAL to me and I’m still so sad we didn’t get to explore this more in this series,) is siphoning their electricity and probably their Wi-Fi.
Anyhow. Ahsoka’s reckless behavior has just been ratted out to the council by Obi-Wan, and Anakin’s there to accompany her to her group reprimand:
Ahsoka owns up to her bad behavior, and ultimately gets put on Jedi Archives Security as penance. She stupidly asks:
For how long? Windu is like:
Oops.
Ahsoka Tano, Chosen One’s Apprentice/Weekend Librarian
So next we see Ahsoka getting dropped off for guard duty at the libary, and I hope everything here is on electronic screens because this is the least-lit location in the Temple yet. Jocasta Nu is showing her around, and Ahsoka throws out there:
Madame Nu says that yes, there’s lots of top-secret stuff in here, like the holocrons that only Jedi Masters can get into. Guarding this stuff is serious business.
Recurring Theme: Ultimate Evil Has a Lot of Irons in the Fire
In ANOTHER room with no lighting, Cad Bane is wistfully staring out the window while Darth Sidious bitches out orders at him. You know, it’s kind of insane how at any given time Sidious is working other angles BESIDES just “corrupt the government and take over the universe.” He is way more motivated than I am. I’d be like “well, another successful day of swindling the Jedi into thinking I’m not evil…time for some reruns of The Simpsons and an early bedtime.”
And world domination. Is that so much to ask!?
This time, he needs a Jedi Holocron for Reasons we will learn about later, and I love that all the bad guys in Star Wars refer to the bounty hunters AS “BOUNTY HUNTER”. WTF. He’s a person, and his name is Chad Something, damn it.
Cad Bane is like “OK, well, uh, getting a holocron is kind of a tall order, I’d have to actually break into the Jedi Temple to do that,” and Sidious is like “OH I’M SORRY, I THOUGHT I WAS TALKING TO A CAREER CRIMINAL,” and Cad Bane’s like “JFC, OK, FINE, I’LL DO IT. But I want a sweet ride. And a shitton of money.”
Sidious says that’s no big. He can scrounge up the funds.
I’ll just cut the Jedi’s allocation from the Republic budget again. They can use off-brand pens in their conference rooms.
Cad Bane is on board:
Recurring Theme: When Force Pain Strikes
Back at the Jedi Temple, Anakin and Obi-Wan are fretting over what their setback at Felucia means for the galaxy and the war and Yoda suddenly makes an indigestion noise. Anakin asks:
Yoda says he felt something in the Force, and that:
Obi-Wan and Anakin exchance Meaningful Glances and the scene ends.
Back at Cad Bane’s Evil Lair, he’s packing up Todo, his handy helper droid, and he’s also awaiting the arrival of Evil Backup, in the form of this bounty hunter named Cato.
Bane tells them the instructions, and let’s just say Cato is dubious. You can’t just steal a holocron! Only Jedi can get those.
Bane’s like I KNOW, I KNOW, but get this: we have a Sith in our back pocket, and we’re gonna use one of the Jedi to our advantage. Oh, and also we have a dead Jedi that we’re gonna have you impersonate because you’re a changeling:
Cato is now game, and turns into the fallen Jedi, and Bane hands Cato an ear comlink for them to stay in touch as they set about on their Nefarious Plan.
Recurring Theme: It’s Always These Two
The Kenobi-Skywalkers are strutting down the hallway in their little Jedi skirts (I love, love, LOVE their outfits in this series, mostly because I find them humorous but ALSO because they are handsome, although honestly these two are going to be able to work just about any look, even when it’s a hilarious Space Knight getup, so, whatever,) discussing what it is that the intruder that Yoda foresaw could be after. The Jedi Temple plans? Their troop orders? The Jedi’s top-secret award-winning chili recipe? Nude photos of Obi-Wan that got uploaded to the Jedi Archives totally not by Anakin? They speculate that the baddies could be after:
They decide to each monitor different areas of the temple to help fend off these intruders. Did anyone even ASK these guys to get involved here? In any case, when they break in separate directions to monitor different parts of the Temple, they both BOLT OUT of the room like they’re on their way to fight a fire.
Cab Bane and Todo arrive at the outside of the Temple, and Cato is still masquerading as a Jedi — and is now inside the library, where Ahsoka’s on Librarian Duty.
Ahsoka practically begs this person who she thinks is a Jedi to give her something to do, but is rebuffed.
Well, Anakin definitely covered the Self-Pity portion of your training.
Recurring Theme: I DON’T UNDERSTAND
Cato beams the coordinates of a weakness in the shields of the Jedi Temple library to Todo and jams the security system or whatever the fuck so that he can sneak himself and Cad Bane through (WHY. Why is there ALWAYS A WEAKNESS IN THE SHIELD JUST MAKE THE SHIELD A FULL SHIELD FOR FUCK’S SAKE STAR WARS WHY I DON’T EVEN GET IT WHY WOULD YOU HAVE A WEAKNESS IN THE SHIELD ARE THEY RUNNING OUT OF SHIELD WHY WOULD YOU NOT FULLY SHIELD THE ENTIRE FUCKING THING WHATEVER IT IS?!!!!!!??!?!?!)
Ahem. OK, so then after this happens Obi-Wan and Anakin are like “HUH, the internet just went down for a second; I couldn’t connect to my email for a moment there, my holo-Skype call got dropped, wonder what that was all about.”
For the First Time In Forever
Yoda rolls up and is like “Yep, the bad guys totally broke in, I can tell,” and eventually they determine that someone or something is in the ventilation shaft because someone ALWAYS IS IN THIS SERIES. I really do, however, need to pause for a moment to give credit where credit is due: even though they still mostly have no idea what’s going on, this is the most On Top Of Things the Jedi have EVER BEEN in Star Wars, maybe ever. Usually they don’t even know anything’s going on until one of their souls gets claimed by Ancient Evil and even then they’re still like “Wait, WHAT? WHO COULD HAVE DONE THIS?!” for a while until it sinks in.
So there’s some silliness where Cad Bane and Todo have to climb through the ventilation system and try not to get shredded up by the fans in said vents, which I am including a screen shot of purely because I finally got a good shot of Cad Bane’s hilarious jet boots:
Jocasta Nu starts catching on to the imposter in her midst, and Cato ends up knocking her out to avoid detection, and shape-shifts into her form instead. Cato, now posing as Madame Nu, continues to coach Bane and Todo through their heist, with Obi-Wan and Anakin are hot on their trail. I love that those two are sneeeeeeaaaking as best they can, and meanwhile Cad Bane knows it’s the Jedi following him the entire time. Smooth, guys.
I can hear their stifled giggles.
Recurring Theme: The Call Is Coming From Inside the House
Yoda tells the Gang that he thinks the intruders are getting help from the inside, and WOW, I really wasn’t kidding: The Jedi are ON TOP of things this time. He comms into Ahsoka and tells her the intruder might be getting help from an insider, and I love that she just rolls with it even though as far as we’ve been shown Ahsoka has zero previous knowledge about any intruder plot. She goes off to find Jocasta Nu.
Ahsoka creeps up on “Jocasta” just in time to discover that, indeed, she is feeding information to whoever’s trying to break in. She confronts this person (who she immediately knows must not be the “real” Jocasta Nu):
…and they get into a brief lightsaber battle that ends thusly:
They’ve Gone Up The Ventilation Shaft
Ahsoka tells Obi-Wan and Anakin that she’s found the imposter and discovered they’re after a holocron. Obi-Wan is like WTF, why would they want a holocron: 
Anakin suggests that they must be trying to get to the communications center through the holocron vault, and damn it I could really use a copy of that map right now because I have no idea where anything is in relation to anything else here.
Cad Bane tries to contact Cato, who’s not responding for obvious reasons, and he senses something’s gone wrong. He tells Todo to go to for the communications center, Todo’s all worried because it’s going to be full of Jedi, but he makes him go anyways. Then Bane appears to set some kind of bomb timer in the ventilation shaft and leaves.
The Handsome Twins are creeping handsomely through the vents when the bomb goes off, and they drop down into the communications center, where the think the intruder is headed…
…only to have Bane stick around to reap the benefits of the bomb-blasted wall, which now gives him access to the holocron library. He grabs the one he’s after and is smugly pleased.
Who. Designs. These rooms.
Todo crash-lands into the communications center, which is maybe the best-lit room I’ve seen in the Jedi Temple though that isn’t saying much.
Hello there!
He has a bomb strapped to his back, which Mace Windu et al discover just in time to shove him back into the ventilation shaft, where Obi-Wan and Anakin are standing. They beat a hasty retreat and Todo, sadly, explodes (but is evidently OK? Or replaced by a similar model? Since he comes back in later arcs?)
Recurring Theme: You’ll Never Recognize Me With This Robe On
Ahsoka is taking Cato on a perp walk through the library as the real Jocastu Nu comes to. Cad Bane, wearing a robe in the style of a Franziskaner monk as all Jedi do (note: I literally went to link that to a stock image of a Franciscan, and the fourth or fifth result was an actual headshot of Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan Kenobi, so, yeah,) is able to sneak past them undetected because, again, a hooded robe is the absolute best disguise ever in this universe.
What Would Anyone Want With Our Crappy Stuff?
In the aftermath, Yoda, Mace, Ahsoka, Obi-Wan and Anakin are now realizing that no one was ever after their stupid communications room: it was all about the holocron archive after all. Obi-Wan wonders, again, what the hell anyone wants with their stupid holocrons, and I’m just going to say, again, that I reeeeeaaaally wanna know what’s on most of these things: rankings of hottest Jedi? Anakin’s shitty poems? Maybe it really IS nude photos of Obi-Wan, but then I’d presume they’re getting theft attempts on a regular basis and would already have a drill in place for this sort of thing.
Anyways, the changeling they have in custody spills the deets: Bane is after…
…Anakin asks:
As it turns out, he’s the keeper of the Kyber crystal, and a holocron can read the data on it. What’s on it, you ask? Why, a list of every….
Yes, our friends the Jedi keep a master list of those kids they are totally not going to kidnap from their families and force to live as repressed Space Monks. The entire future of the Jedi Order is on that list! (LOL, joke’s on them: thanks to The Chosen One over there, the Jedi Order HAS NO FUTURE WOMP WOMP oh…I made myself sad again.)
Recurring Theme: The Jedi Order Needs a Re-Org
Obi-Wan says they’ve got to warn this guy about The Plot! Windu says this will be hard: he’s out of contact range on some distant planet.
So, let me get this straight: this dude has information that comprises THE FUTURE OF THE JEDI ORDER in his possession, and YODA AND MACE WINDU couldn’t easily get in touch with him at all times? For the LOVE OF GOD WHAT KIND OF OPERATION ARE YOU PEOPLE RUNNING HERE? Jesus, the Jedi really needed to bring in an outside firm to help streamline operations a LONG ASS TIME AGO. These people don’t know what the hell they’re doing.
Finally, Anakin says he and Ahsoka will try to go find this guy, and Obi-Wan says he’ll go try to find Cad Bane here on Coruscant. Yoda looks pessimistic about all of their chances, and I guess I can’t blame him. The iris-wipe arrives to usher us out of this round of craziness, but there’s more to come: will they rescue the Force-Sensitive kids so that Anakin can murder them in a few years? Will Obi-Wan find Cad Bane and try on his hat? Only time will tell! Stay tuned!
