The Clone Wars, Season 3, Episode 9: Hunt for Ziro
Ohhhkay, so, this episode. I…I’m not even sure how to frame this one up. It is so spectacularly crazy — EVEN BY CLONE WARS STANDARDS — that it almost defies explanation. First off, the moral/tagline is “love comes in all shapes and sizes” and I would like to point out right damn now that a HUTT figures prominently in this one. I mean, I’m all for every creature finding love, even if they are a gigantic slimy slug, but let’s be real here: the Hutts suck for a lot of reasons that have nothing to do with their shape or size so I don’t typically feel inclined to see them in a romantic light.
This episode has a lot of things that make it…let’s say “unique”. Among them (all of these are 100% actually in this):
- A Hutt In Love
- A musical number
- Obi-Wan and Quinlan Vos in a room with a disco ball
- a for-real record scratch
- space fanboats
- a mummy
And here you thought Anakin’s hissy fit over a fruitcake in the last episode was the best TCW could do. See now the error of your ways.
ANYWAYS, let’s get going: A Great Escape! says Voiceover Recap Guy. Cad Bane and his posse of bounty hunters have sprung Ziro the Hutt out of a Republic prison, just like Cad Bane said he would in the last episode! They took the Senate hostage to do it! Now the Jedi have to go get Ziro back and bring Cad Bane to justice! They’re gonna send Obi-Wan to do it because they send him on almost every mission they have even though there are thousands of Jedi! They’re gonna make him take Quinlan Vos with him because Vos is good at tracking stuff AND because those two just really wanted to spend some time together! Anakin’s probably mad about this! The Jedi don’t know it but Ziro is on Nal Hutta with the rest of the Hutts! He’s talking to the Hutt Council! Let’s go see what happens!
Hutt Family Meeting
Ziro the Hutt, in case you guys did not already know this, is pretty much the most ridiculous character we’ve ever been given in Star Wars, and before I proceed I just want you to take a moment to consider, really, what that means. If you are coming off as ridiculous in this galaxy, you are REALLY on top of your game.
So Ziro’s laying it all out for the Hutt Council: he knows they’re mad at him, but he’s got dirt on them, and if they try to kill him or mistreat him while holding him prisoner, he’s going to have all their crimes laid out on the steps of the Senate. But if they play nice, everything will be fine. Blackmail! Hijinks! Etc.
Obi-Wan and Cody are hanging out, waiting to leave, and Cody asks Obi-Wan why he looks troubled. AS IF ANYONE EVEN NEEDS TO ASK. Obi-Wan has like 7 trillion reasons to look troubled at any given time in this series. Poor peanut.
I can’t think of anything that could possibly be bothering you!
Quinlan Vos: Badass Among Badasses
Anyhow, this time he’s upset about being sent on a mission with Quinlan Vos, a Jedi who back in Ye Olde Expanded Universe was characterized as like, the Sluttiest and Most Renegade Jedi, who was also friends with Obi-Wan since they were roughly the same age and grew up together. I like that every single damn friend Obi-Wan has is some hot mess loudly-opinionated disaster that doesn’t follow rules to one degree or another. Are they attracted to him, or is he attracted to them, or it kind of a two-way street here? They do give him things to roll his eyes at and we all know how much he loves that.
Also, in the New-Canon Expanded Universe, Quinlan Vos has an absolutely insane storyline with Asajj Ventress that involves him hooking up with her and briefly Going Darksider. This is in a book that will be infamous to me from now until the end of time for the scene they made me endure where Obi-Wan coaches Vos on “leering” at Ventress and I yelled out loud at said book because A) WHAT and B) WHY. ANYWAYS. I really didn’t need to include all this information. Vos = kind of a loose cannon. That’s all you really need to know.
Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi Hates That He’s Into It, But He Is
Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi Will Flirt With Absolutely Anyone
Before continuing, I would very much like to take this opportunity to point out that, generally speaking, the more annoyed with someone Obi-Wan claims to be, the more he appears to want to get in their pants, so…I’m just saying. There is a lil bit of sass-flirting going on in this one. Poor Kenobi: this hopeless man cannot stop hitting on every last goddamn person in the universe even if he doesn’t want to flirt with them ([stage whisper] he does).
OK OK I’m sorry for the digression, but HONESTLY. That man is a menace to society. Turn off the charm ray for like 14 seconds for once in your life, Kenobi, some of us are trying to live.
He’s a Rebel and He’ll Never Ever Be Any Good
As they await his arrival, Cody and Obi-Wan have a really delightful exchange about how Vos is insane:
…and then Quinlan Vos makes his Outrageous Entrance by jumping out of his ship instead of waiting for it to land, and Obi-Wan has the nerve to act like he doesn’t know ANYONE who does this and also certainly HE’S never jumped out of anything dramatically.
Quinlan is all smarmy and opens with telling Obi-Wan the Big Fat Lie that he doesn’t look that good as if anyone in the entire history of ever is going to believe that. He asks him how Temple Life’s going and really, why ask Obi-Wan this? That guy’s been “home” for like 5 days in the last 2 years and virtually all of that time has been spent in the stupid council room. “Poorly lit” is about all he’d be able to tell you, Vos.
They’re about to head out to Nal Hutta to tell the Hutts what the Hutts already know, which is that Ziro’s escaped from prison and see if they know more than they’re letting on. Obi-Wan gives us another “previously, on Star Wars…” in the form of reminding us about Jabba in the Clone Wars movie:
Obi-Wan asks Quinlan if they can both please just stay focused on the task at hand, and in response to this exchange, you know what? I’m not even going to say anything suggestive here. I’m going to let you, reader, do so on your own.
Recurring Theme: Hutt House Party
Over on Nal Hutta, a fantastically silly Twi’lek dance number is taking place:
I’d like you all to know that this episode has been on for like 5 total minutes and it’s nearly rendered me incapable of snark already. Like, this episode might be the one that breaks me. OK. Bear with me here, people: Sy Snootles sings a cabaret song, and then is informed after her performance that Ziro the Hutt is on-premises and locked up.
And if you’ll excuse me, Star Wars, I need another glass of wine in order to continue here.
She excuses herself, easily gets past the guards in the detention area, and finds Ziro’s cell, where they — and I am not exaggerating, lying, or in any way making this up right now — proceed to repeatedly profess their undying love for each other. Yes. This is the (sort of) love story of today’s episode. Sy also asks him why he didn’t come back for her like he promised and blahblahblah. This scene goes on for what is easily 400% longer than it needs to and I can honestly FEEL the glee the writers felt while writing this absolutely RIDICULOUS dialogue. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say I think alcohol might have been involved, at least in the initial-pitch part of making this episode.
At any rate, Ziro says they can never be together so long as he’s in his cell, and Sy insists that Love Will Find a Way and they kiss and then Sy says she means it:
THIS WAS UNCALLED FOR, STAR WARS.
OK. So Obi-Wan and Quinlan are here now. They walk into the party room and holy Lord, what a goldmine: first, please enjoy Star Wars giving us OBI-WAN in a party room with a mirror ball. He looks so at ease:
…and that when everyone notices the Jedi are there, there is a LITERAL RECORD SCRATCH:
Law and Order: Nal Hutta
Gardulla the Hutt (who, incidentally, was the original Hutt who owned Anakin and his mother as slaves, because Star Wars just loves to tinge everything — even the STUPIDEST THINGS EVER — with that little bit of Crushing Sadness for the principal characters,) asks them how the war’s going. Obi-Wan tells them that Ziro’s escaped with Cad Bane’s help, and Gardulla is like Yep, Genius, I already know that.
Quinlan’s like Yeah, and I bet I know WHY you already know, and then Obi-Wan is like Quinlan SHUT UP the Hutts are our allies Good Cop/Bad Cop stuff. Quinlan picks up a glass Ziro threw on the floor before and has a Force Vision of Ziro holding it, which reminds me that I should call out here that Quinlan Vos is supposed to be a virtuoso of using something called psychometry: he can touch stuff and see things from an object’s past.
Quinlan relays this information to Obi-Wan as they walk away from the party and Cad Bane watches them from the shadows:
Now confident that Ziro is or was being held there, they head to the detention cell area and see that the guards are knocked out and Ziro’s escaped and the acting in this scene is SUPER earnest and it makes me giggle. They’re off to track him down!
This is The Part With the Space Fanboat
We then see Ziro the Hutt on a SPACE FANBOAT making his great escape with Sy Snootles. That was the most amazing sentence I have ever typed in my life and I feel that further elaboration on this scene is not needed.
Cad Bane tells the Hutts that the Jedi weren’t the ones who freed Ziro — he was long gone before they arrived. So who could be behind this daring escape? He says he could help, but…y’know…if they don’t WANT him to, he doesn’t have to…are they still in business or what? OK, Bane: deal.
Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Major Complainer
Obi-Wan and Vos are tracking Ziro across Nal Hutta, making sure to factor in a couple of cute, gigantic Force-jumps, and Obi-Wan is bitch-bitch-bitching about how it makes no sense for Ziro to still be on the planet, that it’s illogical, blahblahblah. Just then, his complaining is interrupted by a sudden attack by an enormous space snake.
…this episode just really went for it, you know? Star Wars is always such a grab bag: one day our heroes are signing treaties and baking politically important fruitcakes for their coworkers, and the next day one of them is being crushed by a space snake while pursuing Ziro the Hutt’s space fanboat.
Obi-Wan easily dispatches the Space Snake, Quinlan gets in a jab about Obi-Wan wasting time, and the two continue their hunt. So, was this bit with the Space Snake needed? Like, at all? We just wanted to see Obi-Wan be a badass again and make sure this whole thing was just that much sillier? I mean, I’m OK with that. I was just wondering.
Hi Mom, Can I Borrow The Car?
Next we see Sy and Ziro arriving at a house — a house Ziro says he knows Gardulla will never come looking for them in, and just…oh my God. OK. This is Ziro’s mom’s house, and this scene is goofy as hell, but the upshot is that Ziro begs a starship off his mom so that he can escape the planet. I…the less said about this scene, the better.
Meanwhile, Cad Bane and Todo are in hot pursuit in a fanboat of their own.
Obi-Wan and Vos both see that Cad Bane’s also after Ziro, and realize they’d better get moving to try and catch up to him.
Jedi Calling
Next, the Jedi boys arrive at Ziro’s mom’s house. Obi-Wan goes to ring the doorbell, and Vos has other ideas about getting access to the house. LOL.
Obi-Done Kenobi
He goes charging in.
Hilarity, Thy Name is Star Wars
OK: OK. You guys, I might never be able to finish this recap. It’s…it’s too much. Ziro’s Mom throws something at Vos for breaking into her home, and Obi-Wan apologizes for Vos’ inability to properly operate a door. The dialogue after this…oh God. I think this’ll work better as bullet points. Yes, let’s try bullet points:
- Ziro’s Mom literally CALLS OBI-WAN “MR. FANCY PANTS”. Mister. Fancy. Pants. I mean, SOMEONE in Star Wars was bound to say it eventually, but who expected it to be an enormous swamp-dwelling Hutt?!
- She tells them that Ziro took her ship, and that some bounty hunter got this information out of her already.
- Quinlan Vos asks if said bounty hunter had a “big hat.”
- She says yes, and SHE CALLS CAD BANE “CHAD SOMETHING”. CHAD. SOMETHING. The only thing I want in this world now is for this series to be alternately titled “The Adventures of Chad Something and Mr. Fancy Pants”. Please, Dave Filoni: hear my prayer.
- She tells them Ziro was headed for Teth.
- Vos, in response, really weirdly says “We’ve got to get to that jungle planet!” Why in the world would he go out of his way to specify the planet’s ecosystem to Obi-Wan? Is he giving Kenobi a heads-up so he can be sure to change into his tropical explorer outfit, or what?
- Ziro’s Mom asks who’s going to pay for her door as they leave.
Recurring Theme: Always Hurt the Ones You Love
Ziro and Sy are on Teth in search of this stupid holo-diary of Dirty Hutt Secrets that Ziro has. They arrive at a tomb — Ziro’s dad’s grave — and he opens it to reveal A HUTT MUMMY, holding the diary tucked under a mummy arm:
Sy snatches the diary and then — gasp! — she turns on Ziro and shoots him dead! Well, as we all know, no love story in this galaxy’s gonna have a happy ending, so, it’s not all that surprising, but still: tough luck, Ziro.
Cad Bane and Todo discover Ziro’s body and find the diary gone as well. Cad Bane is Not Pleased:
Obi-Wan and Vos arrive and get another force-jump in for good measure and OK GUYS, we get: you are good at jumping. We’re all very proud.
One Last Dance Before We Call It A Night
Cad Bane discloses to them that he wasn’t the one who killed Ziro, and maybe we should all get on with our lives and pretend nothing happened. Obi-Wan is like “OK, uh, NO, because you DID take the Senate hostage in order to free Ziro in the first place, so, you still kinda have to go to jail.” Bane, in response, is like “OH HEY KENOBI, I JUST REMEMBERED: I can get a million bucks for killing you. Isn’t THAT INTERESTING?!”
So a battle commences, there’s some blaster fire, some lightsabering, etc. Quinlan kinda gets the crap kicked out of him at one point and loses his lightsaber. Obi-Wan is, as ever, a total and complete badass: at one point he force-pushes Cad Bane off a cliff and then kicks Bane’s blaster aside like it is a total piece of garbage without even breaking a sweat. He looks BORED. Then he goes flying through the air holding both his lightsaber AND Vos’s and Cad Bane’s Jetboots make a repeat appearance.
Eventually Obi-Wan gets electrocuted and for God’s sake, sadness and solitude notwithstanding, I feel like this guy did sort of earn that relatively quiet, electrocution-free “retirement” he got on Tattooine. Damn.
Anyhow, ultimately Cad Bane gets away, obviously, and Obi-Wan and Vos watch him flee as they dangle from a ledge.
Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Maker of Dad Jokes
Obi-Wan then says this:
And Vos does this:
Damnit, Vos, don’t encourage the flirting. Or do, I guess, I mean, it’s your call.
You Have Done Well
Back at Jabba’s Palace, Sy Snootles hands off the holo-diary to Jabba and gets a reward and a thank you for her betrayal, and with that, we’re iris-wiping our way out of this especially crazy episode! I thank you all for sticking with me through this one. And I mean that. From the bottom of my fluid sac (sorry).
‘Til next time!
