The Clone Wars, Season 6 [The Lost Missions], Episode 5: An Old Friend
This is the first episode recapped from this arc.
I owe you all an apology, Snark Wars fans and/or people who are just looking for something to read when they’re supposed to be working, parenting, or writing papers for school (yeah, I know my audience BECAUSE I AM ONE OF YOU so don’t even try to pretend with me.) I have so many open arcs from TCW already, and I should really finish one of them before I move on to cracking open another. But what can I say? I get easily sidetracked, and sometimes I just have to go with whichever episode gets me ranting.
Also: I was really, really going to continue the Season 5 Ahsoka Arc this week, but then…well, then I read the new Ahsoka book. People, if you enjoy having Star Wars make you laugh, make you happy and hopeful, and also BURN YOUR HEART TO DUST WITH PERIODIC SADNESS, this is the book for you. I will spoil nothing for you, readers, but I will say that I have been kicked in the Space Family Feels enough for one week.
So, instead of focusing on Ahsoka being tragically separated from her Two Dads and Big Brother Rex for this week’s TCW installment, let’s step back a few paces and spend some time with Anakin Skywalker’s Enormous and Obvious Rage Boner, which sounds a LOT funnier than it actually is. Remember how much fun we had in the last Clovis episode? Yeah. It’s not going to be even close to that much fun.
Recurring Theme: For Neutrality’s Sake!
Our story begins with our girl Padme Amidala, who is on her way to Scipio, a Banking Planet (this is a thing for some Neutral Star Wars Political Reason I am too exhausted to get into,) to beg for a loan for humanitarian aid that hasn’t been sent over. Palpatine has sent her to get the scoop on what the hell the holdup is, not because he doesn’t know, but because that guy has a TRULY SHITTY PLAN in the works in this arc. Apparently, he’s getting tired of waiting for Anakin to go insane all on his own, so he’s going to start basically pushing him off the cliff.
Anyways, off Padme goes to find out what the deal is because she wants to get this money to help people. Do you ever get the impression that in a different world, Obi-Wan and Anakin would have totally been Satine and Padme’s political trophy husbands? Like, dudes they trot out at important luncheons because they’re pretty and charming and can help fund-raise? Especially when Anakin makes eye contact with people and talks emotionally about How Much I Love Being a Dad and I Grew Up In Tragic Circumstances and Won’t You Help Us Make a Better Tomorrow For the Children? And Obi-Wan just flirts HARDCORE with everything with a wallet until they’re like “oh here’s 100,000 credits you’re right I totally love pacifism thanks for letting me be in the same room as your hair” and then he and Satine high-five? And then the rest of the time Anakin and Obi-Wan just drink coconut waters and go to SoulCycle and get their hair done?
Sorry. That random alternate universe has nothing to do with anything, except that now I’m kinda into it.
Recurring Theme: Most of the GFFA is Bounty Hunters
Anyways! Padme shows up and she is immediately locked on to from the shadows by a bounty hunter and his dog:
Once inside the Vault of Neutrality, the Banking Clan is like “hey sure, Amidala, we’ll give you the money, just uh…work with our guy Clovis on this”:
Padme, with what I am going to claim is a furor partially inspired by her desire to keep the Loud, Yelling, Justice-Hungry Spirit of Satine Kryze alive in this post-Mauldalore universe, is like WTF LOL NO I AM NOT WORKING WITH THIS JACKASS. They’re like, nah girl, our dude Clovis is legit, we swear! Padme is not having it, given that she almost died last time she saw this guy. She storms off and I salute her.
Recurring Theme: An Old Friend Who Almost Caused My Death
Later, in her room, Padme is chatting with Teckla, her assistant who’s accompanied her, and Clovis sneaks in through the balcony. Padme pulls a blaster on him and Goes Skywalker with the pointing and yelling routine. I am sorry, but I have no patience for all these internet randoms who are like BUT LUKE AND LEIA ARE NOTHING LIKE THEIR PARENTS. What the actual fuck. No: Luke and Leia, Brave Rebellious Shouting Hotheads Who Are Staunchly In Favor of Drama and Justice ARE EXACTLY THEIR PARENTS’ CHILDREN. Have these people even watched Star Wars? FFS.
Padme points out that she’s not inclined to trust him because, hello, she got fucking poisoned last time she saw him…
Clovis insists that he’s here to help her — he’s got inside info that indicates that the bank vaults here are empty (gasp!), suggesting that someone (who is definitely not Palpatine) has been skimming money out of the accounts (and totally not spending it on black robes and pre-ordering those red imperial guard costumes for after the Big Reveal because he wants his crew to look on point.) He asks for a moment to explain himself further. Teckla warns her away from it, but Padme acquiesces:
Recurring Theme: The War is a Sham
They step out onto the balcony, and Padme warily listens to what Clovis has to say.
Padme’s like well that doesn’t sound good, but what do you want me to do about it?
Padme is…not exactly into this plan.
Recurring Theme: They’re After Me
Just then, the bounty hunter takes aim at them:
Clovis is like SEE?! They want me dead! I must be on to something!
Padme needs to think about this. She decides she needs to get some good advice from a trusted resource. Someone who had never steered her wrong and who has only her and her husband’s best interests at heart.
Recurring Theme: Sheev Palpatine, Just Wants What’s Worst For You Both
Yes, Padme decides to seek the wise counsel of Evil Uncle Palpatine for this. Terrific! That guy always has good ideas for the Skywalkers and, you know, pretty much everyone else in his orbit. He wants her to trust Clovis for TOTALLY NORMAL REASONS, so he’s all in:
Not No Way, Not No How
Padme, making the patented Skywalker Sass Face, then heads back to the Banking Clan’s hilarious, ridiculous room where they all talk to people via the same communication method as The Great and Powerful Oz.
She informs the group that she’s decided that she will work with Clovis on this, even though she kind of hates his guts for being a dumb Separatist:
…but on one condition: she wants to be able to go in the vault herself.
The Banking Clan is like WHOA WHOA WAIT HOLD UP THERE, and tells her so via their weirdass Jumbotron:
She’s like well, my Evil Uncle Palpatine sent me here, and it would sure look shady as hell if you won’t let me see what’s going on back there. Are you guys hiding something, or…?
The BC Crew gets all discombobulated by this and backtracks: OK OK FINE, you can come into the vault tomorrow WE GUESS. GEEZ. Padme and Clovis share a Moment:
Clovis then escorts Padme and Teckla to his prrrriiiiivate residence (oooooooh!) so that they can plan out their next steps:
While here, in front of a Saucy Star Wars Fireplace of Possible Romantic Involvement, they hatch a plan: Padme’s going to go into the vault and then, once inside, they’ll set off a device that will cut the power to the vault. Once that happens, she can download the information on the true state of the accounts onto a Galactic iPad and then she and Clovis can Bring the Truth to Light and also maybe get married.
Padme frowns: she’s exposed people as being War Profiteers before.
…and this just serves to make her look even MORE concerned and hopeless. With that, she bids him goodnight, and Clovis sits in his lonely room looking dejected.
Recurring Theme: Fancy Glowing Vault
The next day, Clovis and Padme show up as planned at the vault. Please enjoy this amazing goofy shot of the Banking Clan in all their Muun-ly glory, as though they are about to perform a musical number (sadly, they are not):
They escort Padme in, leaving Clovis and Teckla behind. Clovis tries to make a break for it so that he can set off the Electricity-Killing Device, but he’s stopped by one of the Muuns — they want him to stay until Padme gets back. Drat! Fortunately, Teckla’s got it covered and Clovis slips her the device instead.
Recurring Theme: The Plan Works Except For the Part Where Someone Died
Teckla gingerly makes her way over the spot where she needs to place the device, and activates it. Unfortunately, it’s at this moment that she’s spotted — and targeted — the bounty hunter from before. She fulfills her mission, but she gets shot and killed before she can escape.
The device goes off, and the power in the vault is indeed cut as planned:
With the Muuns in the dark, Padme sneaks over and grabs the data she needs. As the power resumes, she puts on a big show of being All Offended That She Got Trapped inside:
Debriefed and Deluded
Padme and Clovis, now back in Padme’s room, are reviewing what they’ve discovered, and whaddya know — Clovis was right!
Padme’s first thought is that:
…yeah, I’m sure Palpatine has absolutely no idea about any of this! You should totally fill him in, Padme. SIGH.
Suddenly, the Muuns bust in and they’ve got some bad news for Padme:
Yes, Padme’s spy antics have not gone unnoticed, and she’s under arrest. As she’s being taken away, she sasses to the Muuns that she’s got Powerful Friends. In this regard, Amidala, you are absolutely not wrong. Clovis looks on with concern as the scene ends.
One of These Days These Boots Are Gonna Walk All Over You
Oh hey, speaking of Padme’s Powerful Friends, here comes the Most Powerful of those…er, “Friends” right now. I love how they set up this scene, since initially all we get to see is Anakin’s boots striding bossily over there. This guy: you just really watch all the spring in his step die over the course of this series and it’s so painful. Sigh.
R2-D2, Audience Member Who’s Been Paying Attention
Also I need to note that Artoo watches Anakin leave and he seems…well, kinda worried for Anakin here, somehow? Guys, I think Artoo was one of the first characters to really clue in that something Really Not OK was happening with Anakin. And this makes me so sad I think I am going to cry.
Anakin Skywalker, Posting Your Bail
OK, so Anakin is here to pick up Padme from her jail cell, and the Star Wars staff would like to take this opportunity to remind you that Anakin Skywalker is Darth Vader just in case you forgot for five whole seconds, and so please be sure to appreciate the fact that he:
A) first appears here only as a menacing shadow, and
B) is cloaked in darkness for this entire scene.
At first, he’s super jokey and like “oh look who got into trouble and for the first time ever it was not me somehow”:
Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, Man of Many Talents
BONUS Recurring Theme: This Show Keeps Baiting Me
Padme is thrilled to see him, which leads Anakin to say this and PLEASE, Show, I didn’t set out to write bawdy commentary (sort of) but you cannot set me up like this:
Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, Yeller of Things
Anyhow, Padme fills him in on what’s going on. Things are going OK, until the very instant the word “Clovis” drops into this conversation, when Anakin completely flips the fuck out. He rants and raves at her about how could she POSSIBLY trust that guy?!
Recurring Theme: Your Dark Side is Showing
I will stop here to point out that a lot of people kind of hate this arc because they view Anakin’s behavior in it as too Darksidey/Just Plain Evil and Abusive for this point in the timeline. I understand this point of view, but I’m not sure, myself. We’re not very far off from Revenge of the Sith now — Ahsoka just left, the war is wearing him down, and Anakin has a very long history of brief, intense periods of rage, jealousy, and possessiveness stretching back to Episode 2, for one thing. Also, he is just about to become Actual Darth Vader — a guy who blows up planets, enslaves people, tortures his own daughter and maims his own son while trying to recruit him for Total Darkness. So, you know…there’s that. He is supposed to have this hidden reserve of fear and anger and Bad Things dwelling deep within him dating back to his Anakin Days.
I’ve always believed that the angle the showrunners were going for in these later TCW episodes is that, because of his own inner turmoil/ultimate destiny/whatever, and the outside circumstances that just keep chip-chip-chipping away at him, Anakin’s continually losing ground in fighting off his Evil. It stands to reason that more and more of his inner demon is going to come out as we move forward.
…I digress, as that is WAY too Real Discoursey for this blog and I pretty much have 0% interest in getting too deep here in a blog that literally began as a vehicle for me to talk about Obi-Wan’s hair and how Satine totally hit that. If it helps, on a much more lighthearted note, aside from being Actually An Asshole in this episode arc, Anakin is also almost hysterically petty and gets in some truly cringeworthy shit-talking. We will get SOME laughs out of this all yet, so bear with me.
Recurring Theme: Padme Amidala Loves The Republic and Democracy, and She’s Not Even Being Evilly Ironic About It
Padme points out that she worked with Clovis not because she likes him, but because he was right, and what they uncovered was important.
Anakin Skywalker, Just Barely Holding It Together
Anakin now gets super bitchy. First, he plays the Oh I See How It Is card:
…then he maturely threatens to just leave Padme in jail to teach her a lesson, like she’s his college-aged kid who got busted for drinking. He caps this off with a little Vader Posing, AGAIN: JUST IN CASE YOU ALL FORGOT THAT ANAKIN SKYWALKER IS DARTH VADER.
This is pretty much an empty threat, since he’s kind of stuck with her because she’s been released into his custody. I mean, what’s he going to do? Go back to Coruscant and be like “yeah I left her there because she was hanging out with her ex-boyfriend which I care about for reasons that are 100% not that I am secretly married to her”? He bitterly tells her to get going:
Padme Amidala, Suffering From Kenobi Delayed Realization Syndrome
Poor Padme. She leaves with him, and in the grand tradition of everyone in this series but especially Obi-Wan, she pushes past the fact that Anakin is obviously being a huge asshole right now and is like CAN WE PLEASE JUST FOCUS. She insists to him that Clovis was telling the truth, and that this is really, really important! Listen to me, Anakin!
Finally Anakin is like ALL RIGHT: if I were this important information of Clovis’, where would I be?
Anakin, looking thrilled, pointlessly goes out of his way to say he’ll do it:
And just, LOL, OK Skywalker: it’s not like she ASKED you to do it for Clovis. I’m pretty sure she knows you hate his guts. Oh Anakin.
Anakin Skywalker, Petty and Small and Full of Fear
They arrive at Clovis’ house and Anakin begins a running commentary that completely puts his insecurity and fear on display. Hey guys, did you know that Anakin sometimes masks his crippling fear with being an angry jerk? It’s almost like fear…leads to something. Or whatever. First, he snots that Clovis’ house sucks:
…and Padme suggests that the place has been ransacked because people know he has the Disc of Truth. That must be why he’s missing!
Anakin’s like GOOD I HOPE CLOVIS IS DEAD HE SUCKS AND IS DUMB AND HE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE HOT HAIR OR A HOT BEST FRIEND I BET:
Padme Amidala, Looking For a Diplomatic Solution
Padme tells Anakin to shut his face, basically:
She again reiterates how important this information is: it’ll expose the corruption of the Bad Guys! Sort of! Except still not really but whatever!
Clovis, as it turns out, is actually home, and he goes running over to Padme in relief:
He goes to embrace her and she gives him this like “ha ha OK please don’t do that I am already so sick of Anakin’s bitching already”:
Clovis, remembering Anakin from their last goofy adventure, is like YOU AGAIN? That angry limo driver?!
If This Doesn’t Make You Laugh A Little I’m Worried About You
Now, Reader: you can hate this show (I don’t, of course, but I can’t stop you. You will do what you must.) You can hate this arc for what are undoubtedly your own, well-thought-out reasons. You can hate any number of things about what’s going on here with good cause, but know this, friends: this episode includes a moment where Darth Vader — The Man In Black, Clencher of Fists, Yeller of Things, Ultimate Powah-Wielder, Arm-Cutter-Offer — says the following line for real:
DARTH VADER. DARTH. VADER. Just sassily called someone “LOVER BOY” in an attempt to be threatening. Please excuse me for a moment. I have to go light another candle in front of my TCW Shrine for bringing these things into my life. I just…sometimes I feel like if you can’t get ANY enjoyment out of this show, you might be taking Star Wars like WAY TOO FUCKING SERIOUSLY. Because come on. Darth Vader called someone Lover Boy and it’s ACTUAL CANON THAT THIS HAPPENED. Bless.
Anakin Skywalker, Finger-Pointer
Clovis is like “WTF? Lover Boy? Who the fuck ARE you, anyways? I’m not about to take this kind of sass from Padme’s limo driver!”
I’m sorry, I don’t even really have material for this. Anakin’s face is cracking me up.
Recurring Theme: Are We Fighting Or Flirting?
Clovis is like “oh, RIGHT: I’m gonna give you the file. So that you can leave me to almost get murdered just like last time?” Anakin replies with the following:
…and, honestly, now I’m starting to get confused as to whether Anakin is arguing with this guy or just hitting on him. Which, in fairness, is pretty much how Anakin was raised to deal with bad guys by the Ultimate Grand Master of Sexually-Charged Trash Talk, Obi-Wan Kenobi. I’m not sure Anakin or Obi-Wan have ANY control over this. It’s like a reflex. I’m fairly certain there was a 50% chance the Mustafar duel could have easily ended with them making out instead.
Padme is finally like “everyone put a sock in it”:
Anakin Skywalker, Has The Force On Speed-Dial
Suddenly, while they’re standing there, Anakin has a Force Moment as he senses that someone’s taking aim at them.
He jumps to save Padme, and ends up saving all of them. Clovis, who I’m really starting to warm up to only because Anakin is being such a dick here, thanks him for rescuing them. Anakin, unable to LET THIS FUCKING GO FOR EVEN A MILLISECOND, goes out of his way to be all IT WASN’T ABOUT YOU, CLOVIS:
Padme AGAIN tells Anakin to stop bitching and start doing some more day-saving, and the three of them make a break for it, while being tailed by the bounty hunter.
Hit the Slopes
The escape scene in this episode is, to use a word I use far too often around here, ridiculous. Their little speeder pod thing gets shot down, and essentially becomes a toboggan, and the bounty hunter TAKES HIS GOOFY-ASS HAT AND STARTS SNOWBOARDING WITH IT to chase them down. Oh Star Wars. Here, enjoy:
Artoo comes through at the last moment, collecting them just as they’re about to go over a cliff. Let no one say Artoo did not share everyone’s flair for the dramatic, and of course Anakin appreciates this:
Their pursuer watches them make their getaway, and his dog hilariously brings him his Snowboard Hat like it’s a Frisbee:
It’s All According To Plan
He holo-Skypes to Darth Sidious now, to let him know they’ve gotten away. Oh no! Won’t he be angry about this!?
Oh, shocker: this was all part of another of Sidious’ multi-hundred-step-plans! So, what’s next, Boss?
DUN DUN DUUUUUN! Well, that sounds like a blast. And, with that, the episode concludes as our friends make their way back to Coruscant.
Next time, on TCW Presents Anakin Skywalker’s Anger Issues: Sidious wants Padme and Clovis to get REAL close, and Obi-Wan and Anakin have one of the most depressing and unproductive conversations they will ever have (and you KNOW that that’s saying something.) Until then, dear readers!
You’re at the start of this recap series.
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The gang fails to escape the weirdness of Mortis; Ahsoka gives Anakin a chance to see what it’s like to be the one without Crazy Eyes.
Obi-Wan is at Peak Sass; Hondo tries to make a deal; the boys totally get drunk with some pirates.