Revenge of the Sith, Part IV: So Close and Yet So Far

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Revenge of the Sith by Matthew Stover (Legends) (Part 4)

Welcome to yet another edition of A Middle-Aged Fangirl Talks About Star Wars: The Blog! We’re back today with a new (quite long!) installment from the Revenge of the Sith novelization, a very low-key and not at all dramatic piece of Star Wars content.

Last time, Anakin had finished murdering one Sith and was getting egged on by another one, and Obi-Wan had managed to squeeze in some time in between having a concussion and fighting for his life to gaze at Anakin’s ass for awhile, as one does. At the conclusion of the last entry, Anakin had been all excited because he’s got his best lightsider friend AND his best darksider friend kindly old man friend who only wants what’s best for him AND he was TOTALLY sure he was on his way to Win the Clone Wars, as if that’s a thing that was even feasible (unless your name is Sheev Palpatine, I guess).

All right, so the boys and Definitely Not Evil Uncle Palpatine are off to face down Grievous, and everything’s gonna be fiiiiine

Recurring Theme: I’m One With The Force and The Force Is With Me

As we open Chapter 7, our friend Obes is having a total Zen Force Moment — Stover literally goes on for PAGES about how Obi-Wan feels the Force through him, with him, in him, in the unity of the Holy Force Spirit, etc. He IS the Force; he’s Obi-Wan, he’s Grievous, he’s even the battle droids. And he’s already well on his way to becoming that Super Mystical Old Force Dude from the Desert we see later on in Rebels, it seems:

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Grievous seems decidedly unimpressed by Obi-Wan’s Moment of Zen here and is like “look what I’ve got here: Anakin’s lightsaber! Obi-Wan’s lightsaber! These’ll get me a SERIOUS chunk of change on the GFFA Antiques Roadshow!”

Obi-Wan is like “whatever”:

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Finally Obi-Wan, all cool-like, informs Grievous that he’ll accept his surrender. Grievous is like LOL OMG does this bullshit ever work on like, anybody, Kenobi?

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Obi-Wan is like “by the way, by “people”, I mean you.” Damn!

Recurring Theme: The Force Can Do That

So then Obi-Wan does this whole big thing where he’s One with everything in the room and causes Artoo to create a diversion, allowing him to pry open Grievous’ fingers while he’s distracted:

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…I’m loving that Anakin is evidently just sort of standing there with Sheev while Obi-Wan has this enormous Force Moment. The Chosen One, ladies and gentlemen!

Oh hey! Turns out Anakin wasn’t doing nothing after all: he was busy tuning into Obi-Wan’s Force Frequency because, of course, they’re Two Halves of the Same Whole United Forever in Force Matrimony or whatever happened earlier in this book:

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Before I continue, please let me tell you that the screengrab below almost cut off at a most awkward place in the paragraph, and as I generally try to keep this blog approximately PG-13-rated (with probably more f-words than would generally be permitted), I’m not going to go into specifics — just know that I laughed really loudly about it, and after I explained myself my husband was like “just another day recapping Star Wars, eh?”

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Recurring Theme: The Supernerds

All right, my immaturity aside, Obi-Wan is like “last chance, Greevs”, and Grievous rips a console out from the bridge of his ship and hurls it at the boys and then all hell breaks loose.

Did you know that Obi-Wan and Anakin are FUCKING BADASSES? Because they are, and Grievous is like “holy shit, how is ANAKIN the scary one when Obi-Wan is this much of an ass-kicker?!”:

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Hahahahahaha I love that this book takes a moment to acknowledge that Anakin has tricked out Artoo with all sorts of shit he bought on GFFA eBay.

Recurring Theme: You’ll Never Recognize Me With My Hood On

There’s a whole bunch more yelling and fighting and at one point Sheev ducks under a console because he’s too important to fight or run or do anything other than just enjoy the fuck out of all of this, and Grievous is like “oh shit, I guess I’m downgrading my objective to just surviving this encounter” and then the ship starts breaking up and flipping in all directions.

Grievous, sensing that he’s out of time here, takes the easy way out, saying a delightful Bad Guy Line on his way out:

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As Grievous flies away, he’s all disappointed that he doesn’t have a live feed onto the ship so that he can watch Team Handsome get fried to a crisp. He’s also like “oh, crap: I wasn’t supposed to let Palpatine die. Whoopsie daisy!”:

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Hahahaha. I just…really? Is the story for real that Grievous has seen Palpatine and Sidious a bunch of times and it’s never occurred to him that they’re the same guy?

Anakin Skywalker, Stating the Obvious

Blah blah blah, you all know the next bit: the ship breaks up, Anakin has to pilot half a ship, and at one point he for-real informs us all of this fact:

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…you’re telling me, Skywalker! LOL. Good grief, this book.

So the boys and Uncle Palpatine attempt the daring Happy Landing, and future-Captain Needa is watching this all go down while basically having a panic attack because not even Skywalker could land that thing. The book goes on for a bit about how this is So Very Daring, and every second they stay in this thing brings them closer to death, and also it’s sad because this whole mission was to save the Chancellor and now it looks like he’s gonna die. (I still laugh every time when I consider that, really, if Anakin had just plummeted this thing into the ground and killed all three of them, everything probably would have worked out a lot better overall. Although I guess since Padme’s already pregnant by now there’d still be the outside chance that Kylo Ren would eventually end up existing anyways and ruin everything no matter what. Sigh.)

Moving on! Anakin is about to pull off his piloting magnum opus:

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This makes Anakin seem like a much more optimistic person than he is, really.

Recurring Theme: Anakin/Spaceship

Anakin begins this Daring Descent by more or less sexually caressing his ship:

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I mean, I guess it had been a few minutes since someone had a Moment with another person or object in this book.

This chapter concludes with Anakin determined to land the ship and save his friends because he’s just GONNA, OK???? BECAUSE HE IS THE CHOSEN ONE AND HE SAID SO.

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Oh, this absolutely does not sound like a recipe for disaster. Nope! I’ve got a REALLY good feeling about where this is headed.

Recurring Theme: This Book is a Gift

We now move into the next section of the book, which is entertainingly entitled thusly:

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YES OK FINE: it’s about Anakin’s seduction to the Dark Side, but also as you all know from everything I’ve recapped so far, it could also easily be his seduction of, or by, literally anyone else in the Star Wars universe but especially Padme or Obi-Wan.

This section begins with a little prelude about how the Darkness is an asshole, which, y’know, I was already pretty clear on. But thanks for the reminder, Star Wars!

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Aaanyways, on that happy note, we cut to Mace Windu, who’s looking at the smoking heap that just landed on a platform in front of him, some Clones gathered around spraying it down with fire-suppression foam, and he’s like “…welp, Skywalker’s crazy ass has done it again, because of course he has, because who the hell else could have?”

Anakin Skywalker, Increasingly Evil Heartthrob

One of those inflatable slides they show in the What To Do In Case of An Emergency Landing That Looks Fun But Almost Definitely Would Not Be If You Ever Had to Actually Do It booklets in the seatback pocket of a plane is used to get the boys and Sheev off the ship, and Mace takes in the sight of them: Sheev is leaning on Anakin because he’s Oh So Frail, and Obi-Wan has a scalp wound and is bleeding (my poor baby.)

What’s more, as Mace looks Anakin over, he’s like DAMN: that guy is looking NICE — he almost seems taller than when Mace saw him last, he’s Bringing It and his hair looks great and he’s all but stopping to autograph photos of his shirtless nightmares for some fangirls.

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Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Will Just Go Ahead and Ignore This Crippling Emotional and/or Physical Pain

Mace asks Sheev if he’s OK, and he assures Mace he is. Anakin is all like I FEEL GREAT YEEEEEEAAAAAHH!! and seems to genuinely mean it, and I would like to point out that this is probably the last time Anakin will ever actually feel good again ever in his entire life. Mace asks Obi-Wan if he needs anything and he’s like no no, I’m fine, I’m just dying but whatever it’s fine save the medical help for someone who deserves it:

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*sniffle*

Palpatine touches Mace’s arm and is like “THANKS, Mace, GOD you’re just of SUCH great VALUE to me for normal reasons that do not involve my overarching evil diabolical plan HA HA HA”, and Mace replies, with a slight emphasis at the end, that the Jedi are HAPPY to serve the SENATE. LOL, oh the shade. I want an AU where Palpatine isn’t evil but Mace still kinda hates him and then they end up becoming grumpy best friends who vacation together and talk about how much everyone else annoys them.

Obi-Wan Kenobi, Doesn’t Even Know What Sleep Is

Mace is like “so?? How did it go? What about Grievous?” and Anakin is like “Uh, well, Dooku was there, ha ha, but then funny story some stuff that was absolutely not questionable in its legality or Jediness happened and now he’s dead.”

At this, Mace is stunned: he’s dead?! Dooku?! You guys killed DOOKU?! And Obi-Wan says this:

19OK, I know he was making an attempt at humor here, but also I feel like being knocked out cold is probably the only way Obi-Wan HAS taken a nap in the last 5-plus years of his life. For all I know, that’s what Obi-Wan thinks a nap IS.

Recurring Theme: This Is The Happiest Moment Of My Life, And Quite Probably The Last Happy Moment I’ll Ever Have

Mace cannot even believe what he’s hearing: without Dooku…it’s gonna be all over! Even with Grievous, there’s no way the Seppies can hang on much longer! They’ll be done for within weeks! Within…days!

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Well, savor this moment while it lasts, Windu my friend. *sobs*

Mace, as giddy as he’s ever been in his life, is like OMG DETAILS SKYWALKER HOW DID YOU DO IT? and at this, Anakin gets all awkward and is like “whatever I dunno however it happened it wasn’t that I lopped off his head when I could have easily taken him prisoner because I was high on Evil or anything.” As Anakin refuses to make eye contact with him, Mace — because he is one of the smarter people in this galaxy, not that that’s hard to pull off — starts to make the Philip Fry Meme Face:

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And Sheev. SHEEEEEV. HE SUCKS SO MUCH HERE. He cuts in and is like “lemme tell you, Windu, it was FUCKING AMAZING. Anakin was incredible. You’d have cried actual tears, he was a beautiful creature of the Force and Dooku must have…well, just gotten a little overconfident. Perhaps because he’d just kicked Obi-Wan’s ass so easily and thoroughly without even trying!

Obi-Wan flushes at this and Anakin is super embarrassed and I am very upset. Palps goes on:

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OH FUCK YOU, YOU WICKED OLD RAISIN. I hope you had a canker sore every day of your reign of terror. By the way Anakin, allow me to once again inform you that you are the best AND worst at choosing friends.

Mace Windu, Basically Me

22Mace Windu has my exact reaction to this series of statements, which is, more or less: DO NOT LIKE. He reflects on how absolutely NO ONE in the Order likes that Anakin is BFFs with Palpatine, probably because Anakin is a youthful idiot, and Sheev is an obviously evil creep who is also like 40 years older than Anakin. Apparently this discomfort dates all the way back to when Anakin was a kid and they’d had multiple conversations with Obi-Wan about it. Oh, don’t worry guys! It’s TOTALLY normal for an old man to be like “hey let me borrow your 12-year-old and take him to a bar and then swear him to secrecy about everything we discuss while there and oh by the way you have to let me take him because I own your asses”. Nothing I’d lose sleep over! I’m sure it’s no big deal.

Windu is also distinctly un-OK with the fact that Palpatine keeps speaking for Anakin, who just stands there looking uncomfortable. UGH. Look, I love Sidious as a villain because he is, without even trying, one of the top 3 most ridiculous people in this entire stupid story (WHICH IS REALLY SAYING SOMETHING), but also he is SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON.

Finally Mace is like “Well: I guess we’ll just have to get the FULL story from YOU, ANAKIN,” and at this Anakin maybe slightly pees his pants:

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Mace Windu, Force Psychic Extraordinaire

Obi-Wan informs Mace that Grievous got away again, and Mace is like “yeah but he wasn’t as important as Dooku…we could End This War!” and as he says this, he reflects on all three of these losers in front of him: the book tells us that Mace has always been good at seeing how people fit together in the Grand Scheme of Things. He could see what Qui-Gon was rambling about when it came to Anakin, he was one of the people who decided it’d be OK to stick Obi-Wan and Anakin together (MIXED BAG, WINDU), and for some weird reason, he’d always sort of thought there was something about that Palpatine guy. In fact, they ALL seem pretty important, cosmically-speaking:

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…YEP. All outcomes are possible! The universe might be about to end horribly with everyone dead or Infinitely Sad! Or maybe Obi-Wan and Anakin will just kill Sheev and go drink mai tais naked on a beach somewhere so that Padme can give birth in peace without Anakin freaking the fuck out around her! OH IF ONLY.

You Keep At It, Kenobi

Palpatine is like NOT SO FAST: Grievous is an unstoppable killing machine! Dooku was the only thing holding him back, if anything! This war’s not going to get better — it’s only going to get worse!

Obi-Wan interjects: also? What about the Sith, you guys??

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HAHAHAHAHA. I love that the idea that Dooku might not be the Main Sith was STILL up in the air this far into the story. And I am sorry, you all know I love Obi-Wan more than absolutely every single person in this universe without question (and it’s not even CLOSE), but also I AM DYING OF LAUGHTER BECAUSE JUST IMAGINE HOW MUCH THIS DELIGHTS SIDIOUS. HE’S STANDING RIGHT THERE YOU GUYS AND OBI-WAN IS ALL “Uhhhhhhhhhhh but the Dark Side is still here??? I’m SO confused!!!”

Mace is like “yeah yeah who can say, those Sith are weird like that I guess if one’s still out there he’ll show up eventually” and all but stomps on Obi-Wan’s foot to get him to shut the hell up about this in front of Palpatine because he doesn’t want him to have all the details about their ongoing, ill-fated Sith Investigation. he just doesn’t fully trust that guy WHO CAN SAY WHY. MACE. MY GUY. YOU ARE SO CLOSE. SO. CLOSE. AGGGHHHHH.

After some more back and forth, Palpatine insists that they have to get Grievous to unconditionally surrender, and Mace is like FINE, OK, we’re on it, and Sidious closes things out by being an asshole again:

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…good one, Sids. *sigh*

Anakin Skywalker, Least Subtle Person Ever

Now we’re on to the part where the boys are outrageously handsome and flirt with each other outside for a while (as opposed to in an elevator, in a cave, or any of the ten billion other places this has occurred during the Clone Wars.) The gang takes a shuttle over to the Senate building, and Anakin is staring out the window like an overeager dog, and Obi-Wan is basically like “oh BROTHER” because Obi-Wan is not a total idiot and therefore knows he’s looking for Padme. The book points out that Anakin is so excited about seeing Padme the Force is practically blaring a full-throated rendition of “I’ve Got The World On a String” around him right now.

Obi-Wan has a reaction that I am certain was supposed to be a long-suffering “what a doofus, he’s going to get himself in trouble” type thing but totally comes off with a whiff of jealousy because I am a person who has been paying attention, Star Wars. 

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Windu gives Obi-Wan a look/gesture combination that evidently meant “stay behind”, and so when Anakin leaves the shuttle he’s all “…Other Love of my Life? Aren’t you coming?”

This Should Have Been in the Movie

Obi-Wan does the whole “I’m not brave enough for politics, blahblahblah poster boy” thing from the movie, except in the book, Anakin says THIS in response:

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Hahahahahahaha, oh, Skywalker. Sure. If you say so.

Anakin tries the whole “this whole thing was your idea” and Obi-Wan’s like “nah dude this was all you” and then he’s all “go spend your day with, uh, POLITICIANS. Like, in a non-sexual way, as I and the entire Jedi Order totally believe you will.”

Eventually Anakin relents, and the shuttle takes off.

The Grown-Ups Are Talking

On the shuttle, once Anakin’s out of their hair/bald scalp, Mace is like “I? Do not like how close Palpatine and Anakin are.” LOL, well good thing you just left them alone with a bunch of Senators, then, guys!

Obi-Wan is like “we’ve discussed this before, Mace”, and Mace replies that things between Anakin and Palpatine seem somehow more sinister than usual lately. Obi-Wan says that he trusts Anakin with his life (aww!) and Mace, heartbreakingly, kindly acknowledges that Obi-Wan feels that way — his concern is less about Anakin being trustworthy and more about Palpatine:

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*sobs* GO GET YOUR STUPID DOOFUS YOU GUYS HE IS IN SERIOUSLY SO MUCH TROUBLE. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS, WINDU.

Obi-Wan points out that Palpatine dotes on Anakin “like a kindly old uncle with his favorite nephew”. Well, I can see why Anakin’s into that, since no one else in the entire universe has ever shown love or concern for him except for all those people all those times. I mean really: what choice did Anakin have? Obi-Wan only cut up HALF of his pancakes for him this morning, and Padme once had to go to a meeting instead of making out with him for hours while pledging her eternal love to him. HIS HAND WAS FORCED, YOU GUYS.

That Was Yesterday, and Yesterday’s Gone

Mace is all in with his Palpatine Distrust — he says the Chancellor loves power, and from where he’s sitting, he’s into absolutely nothing else. Obi-Wan, somewhat surprised by all of this, is like “uhhh, I thought you kinda liked him?” Windu frowns: things change, my swooshy-haired friend. Things change.

Obi-Wan asks: OK, so you don’t trust him. What the hell do you want me to do about it? Windu says he needs Obes to keep his eye on Anakin (moreso, I guess, if such a thing is possible.) Anakin and Palpatine together could be a dangerous combination. Obi-Wan is uncomfortable: but but but Anakin is the CHOSEN ONE! Mace, ACCURATELY, points out that this actually makes them an even WORSE pairing — and what’s more, they’ve traced this Sidious guy, whoever he is, to Palpatine’s inner circle. OUCH. 

Obi-Wan almost has a heart attack about this, because Obi-Wan has been too busy flirting with everyone and trying not to die the last few years to have paid attention to Sheev’s soundtrack music or, you know, a lot of the things he says and does.

Mace goes on: they were SO CLOSE to tracking down Sidious when all this Palpatine Kidnapping bullshit started up again! They’d followed the trail all the way to Five Hundred Republica, the very fancy place where very fancy people, including Palpatine, live! The book points out that the only thing Obi-Wan has to say to this is “Oh.” LOL.

Recurring Theme: Swing and a Miss!

Mace says that maybe it’s time to presume that Dooku wasn’t full of shit in Attack of the Clones after all — that the Senate is, in fact, under the influence of a Sith Lord! GASP!

Obi-Wan asks if they have any suspects in mind, and Mace gives the following Very Wrong Guesses:

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SO CLOSE. SO. CLOSE. I just…OK. So is the idea that they think Palpatine is a total asshole and evil and they don’t trust him, AND coincidentally there’s ALSO a Sith Lord who is bipedal and humanoid in his inner circle, but NO ONE’S even willing to put forth the IDEA that Palpatine MIGHT be the Sith Lord himself? This is SUCH a leap to make in a galaxy where something completely batshit happens roughly every 45 seconds? Actually maybe I’ve answered my own question: they assumed it couldn’t be Palpatine because that would MAKE TOO MUCH SENSE.

Recurring Theme: I Laughed Out Loud For Real While I Wrote This

Mace is like “no matter what, Palpatine’s never gonna let us interrogate his own inner circle. I don’t even think he buys that the Sith are a thing.” LOL.

And oh, IT GETS SO MUCH BETTER: Obi-Wan is all stunned that Sheev doesn’t believe in the Sith, and Mace expands that well, can you blame him? All we had to go on was Dooku’s word, and he was a dick and also is dead now.

AND THEN OBI-WAN, OF COURSE, SAYS: BUT WHAT ABOUT GODDAMN MAUL? and, in part because this book was written before TCW came out, and in part because you know Star Wars would have done this anyways because it loves me and hates Obi-Wan, does this:

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YEAH OBI-WAN. AS YOU KNOW. OBVIOUSLY MAUL IS DEAD HOW COULD HE BE ANYTHING ELSE HE DEFINITELY DIDN’T COME BACK ON ROBOT LEGS AND MURDER YOUR GIRLFRIEND A YEAR AGO. It’s so much better that the now-canon version of events means that Obi-Wan LITERALLY JUST CAME FROM MANDALORE BEFORE GOING TO “SAVE” THE CHANCELLOR, where he left Ahsoka and Rex to try and KILL MAUL.

Recurring Theme: NO COLLUSION!

Obi-Wan stutters: OK, but even if he doesn’t believe in the Sith, he doesn’t have the authority to interfere with a Jedi investigation! Does he???

Mace frowns and says things have gotten really, really bad — in fact…

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I’d laugh bitterly here right now at how uncomfortably real things in Star Wars are getting sometimes, except that I’m too numb at this point to even crack a joke about how at least Darth Sidious knows how to run a government.

Obi-Wan is all “well look on the bright side: if Anakin is pals with Sheev, that can only be a good thing! We can learn stuff about what he’s up to I’ll go tell Anakin right now!!” Mace is like NOOOOO, basically no one knows about this but you, me and Yoda, you cannot tell Anakin we think Sheev is involved with the Sith.”

Obi-Wan immediately reacts with concern for what this means for his marriage vows:

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LOL. RIGHT. Because Anakin never keeps ANY secrets from you, Obi-Wan. 🙁

Recurring Theme: When There’s Just a Touch of Satan In Your Heart

Mace grips his own hands together until his knuckles crack, and says this about how Anakin is a Disaster in progress/waiting to happen:

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Obi-Wan realizes he’s got no good comeback for this, and is like “OK I guess I better not tell Anakin”. Mace says he senses the dark side around both Anakin and Palpatine and Obi-Wan is all but EVERYONE gets a little Dark Side sometimes, y’know? Mace gets all Haunted and Stares Out Into The Distance Meaningfully as he, I dunno, reflects on his own Dark Side Temptations or whatever.

Mace gets REAL here and says that there’s a chance they may have to take action against Palpatine, and Obi-Wan is in utter disbelief: surely it’s not gotten THAT bad?! Mace is all “you haven’t BEEN HERE, man, you’ve been off fighting the war”, and kinda goes off into a rant about how everything is the worst now on Coruscant. Obi-Wan kindly tries to talk him down:

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Mace is like “it’s probably too late already”, and Obi-Wan quotes Mace at his own self:

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Mace manages a ghost of a smile at this, and thanks Obi-Wan for reminding him. AWWW.

Anakin Skywalker, Totally Able to Handle Anything

MEANWHILE, back at the Senate, Anakin is like WHERE IS PADME OMFG, and, I shit you not, because he cannot find her in the first 4 seconds that he’s on site, he assumes she’s dead.

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Yeah, make no mistake: Anakin’s got a complete handle on life. He catastrophizes further: she’s been injured, she’s probably trapped under debris right now, screaming for him to help her…and then he snaps himself out of it. No, he tells himself, she’s probably fine. But if she’s fine, and she’s not here, then obviously she must have decided that she doesn’t love him anymore.

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JESUS TAPDANCING CHRIST, ANAKIN. You’re making MY anxiety worse just by having to read your thoughts. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Obi-Wan should not be leaving him alone, ever.

Then Anakin runs into Threepio and he’s like THANK GOD, because this is his Buddy Droid who also works for Padme now. He asks him where Padme is, and Threepio tells him that officially, she’s very busy preparing for a meeting, and Anakin, because he is dumb, is like GOD FUCKING DAMNIT THE FUCKING SENATE:

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I’m not even joking — he gets so wrapped up in his little Senate Hatred Reverie that he’s thought it all the way through to just going over there and mowing the place down before the truth finally dawns on him. (As an aside, I like to think that Vader was thrilled when they disbanded the Senate in/around Episode 4. I hope he showed up and slashed up the Senate pods himself while yelling about how that place was always cockblocking him.)

ANYWAYS: yes, Anakin is like “waaaaaait…officially she’s busy? And, uh, unofficially…?”

Oh, Threepio replies: unofficially, she’s waiting in the hallway.

Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, Has More Feelings Than All Of You

At this news, Anakin has a totally chill, completely not over-the-top reaction in keeping with his usual Regular Person way of dealing with things:

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LOL. GOOD LORD. I wouldn’t want Anakin’s life, but I kind of want to live in his brain for a few minutes. I am a very dramatic, feelings-filled person myself and even I’ve never felt this way.

Then Threepio literally says this, and I cackle aloud:

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WHAT. OK, Star Wars. Wow! The best part is that Anakin effectively clutches his pearls and is like OH MY STARS THREEPIO WHY I NEVER and, the book tells us FOR REAL, ALMOST GIGGLES OUT LOUD. ANAKIN SKYWALKER, YOU GUYS. Yes, The Hero With No Fear just went from nearly having a panic attack because he couldn’t find Padme for a split second, to almost murdering the Senate, to laughing at a robot’s insinuation about his sex life within the span of 5 minutes. I AM DEAD.

He asks Threepio WTF he’s insinuating, and mercifully Threepio is like “hell if I know; Padme just told me to say that.” Thank GOD she didn’t give him any further information or Anakin AND I would have to leave and never return to these recaps.

Anyways, Anakin is all “you’re the BEST, Threepio,” and Threeps is all “aww shucks, Master, all credit goes to my creator” and I DIDN’T NEED MORE FEELINGS ABOUT ALL OF THESE CHARACTERS, STAR WARS. THANKS.

Recurring Theme: Sheev Palpatine, Mood-Ruiner

Anakin’s all happy and full of life for once and so naturally Palpatine recognizes the need to put a stop to all that. Threepio and Artoo head off, and as Anakin watches them go, Sheev shows up by his side and is all “…something WRONG, Anakin? Let’s spend way too much time dissecting everything that’s bothering you and blow it all way out of proportion!”

Anakin says this, and I tell you all, my eyes could NOT be rolling back into my head MORE:

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I’m just gonna say it: I love Anakin? BUT HE IS SUCH A SPOILED BRAT HERE. Everyone on the Council is kinda old! (Sorry Obes.) For the 40th time: OBI-WAN WASN’T EVEN A KNIGHT AT ANAKIN’S AGE. Anakin got KNIGHTED early. HE’S TWENTY. THREE. YEARS. OLD. I get that Anakin’s been busting his ass the last few years, but SO HAS EVERY JEDI. CALM THE FUCK DOWN, DUDE.

Obviously Palpatine disagrees with me, and is like “oh, well, lucky you: I think I can be of service here!” Anakin, of course, is like “Huh?”

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great. (By the way, Sheev, I think you and I both know Anakin has never noticed anything in his life.) Well, at least someone’s FINALLY recognizing Anakin’s talents, the poor baby who no one has ever paid enough attention to. And with that, we’ve hit the end of what is surely one of the longest recaps I’ve ever written. I hope you enjoyed this edition of Anakin Skywalker, Obviously Underappreciated Genius. Join me next time, when Anakin handles his reunion with Padme about as smoothly as he’s ever handled any interaction with her, and then later has a Shirtless Nightmare. Thanks for reading!

Previously

Revenge of the Sith, Part III: Rear View

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