Obi-Wan and Anakin #2 (Issue 2 of 5. To start at the first issue, go here.)
Hooo boy. Ready for today’s installment from the Obi-Wan and Anakin series? In Issue #2, we’ll find that Creep-in-Chief Sheev Palpatine is pretty much just as bad or maybe even slightly worse than we always thought considering that he’s preying on the mind of a traumatized tween here, we’ll learn that Obi-Wan is possibly an actual god (which we maybe already suspected), and we’ll confirm yet again that Anakin Skywalker was absolutely the founding member of Obi-Wan’s official fan club.
So here we are, about 3 years after The Phantom Menace, and Pissy Pubescent Padawan Anakin Skywalker, age 12, and winner of this year’s Sexiest Jedi Dad Obi-Wan Kenobi have crash-landed onto a war-torn garbage planet with an average wind gust of 500 miles per hour. In the last issue, we also were shown a flashback from just prior to this mission, where we learned that A) Anakin Loves Obi-Wan, and B) Palpatine’s Got Big Plans for Anakin. Both of which we already knew, but you know how Star Wars is. They really, REALLY want to make sure you didn’t miss these very subtle things. They never cover these concepts anywhere except for constantly in the films, the cartoon series, the comics and the books.
As the last issue concluded, Team Doomed By Fate found themselves confronted with two women, one of whom pulled some guns on them and demanded to know if they were “open” or “closed”. Gasp! What craziness awaits our boys in the next chapter? Let’s find out together.
Things pick up where we left off, with Anakin still unsuccessfully trying to talk his way out of this situation by pointing out that, again: THEY ARE JEDI AND THEY DON’T GO HERE. Mother Pran, still aiming her weapons at them, is not taking “I don’t have any fricking idea what you’re talking about” as an answer:
Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Warper of Minds
Anakin’s starting to freak out: things are not going so well, Master! WHAT ARE WE GONNA DOOOOOO? And Obi-Wan is like “chill out, Anakin” and GOSH WHAT A NEW DYNAMIC THIS IS FOR THESE TWO. Obi-Wan’s not worried, you see, because he’s got a little trick up his sleeve that we may have seen him bust out a time or twelve:
Yes, it’s time once again for a Jedi Mind Trick. I get the impression that this guy was especially adept at this maneuver largely because hello, it’s Obi-Wan. I mean, I’m not sure that Special Powers are required here, Kenobi. Just make a lot of meaningful eye contact and I think you’ll usually get what you want anyways. (I might be projecting.)
Mother Pran is dropping her weapons, because she’s not about to disagree with the Amazing Ginger Wolfman, but just then an enemy ship starts blasting them with an air gun and they all have to duck for cover.
Recurring Theme: Ahsoka Tano Was Not Wrong About These Two
So as the two women are seeking shelter, they hopefully speculate that maybe they weren’t spotted by their enemies, “the Closed”, who are surely the ones operating the guns. Of course, seconds later they are joined in their hiding spot by Obi-Wan and Anakin, who make the least inconspicuous arrival ever.
I’ll pause here to remind everyone that in the recently-released Ahsoka book (which I will still not spoil for people,) Ahsoka at one point tries to think through how to make an escape. She tries to think of what her dads would do, and comes to the conclusion that A) Anakin would cause a gigantic commotion, and B) Obi-Wan would attempt to flirt his way out of it, then end up causing a gigantic commotion anyways. So, yeah. She had their number, as does everyone else. Subtlety is not their strong suit. GUYS, just a thought: the way to avoid detection here PROBABLY does not involve wearing a robe that is the size of a parachute and then Force-jumping dramatically.
Recurring Theme: Seriously, Anakin Loves Obi-Wan You Guys
Remember how back in the last recap from this series, I mentioned that Anakin is the BIGGEST Obi-Wan Kenobi Fanboy in the entire galaxy in this series (and let’s be real, he always pretty much is, even when he’s literally Darth Vader, since he NEVER EVER STOPS TALKING ABOUT OBI-WAN EVEN AFTER HE’S BEEN DEAD FOR ACTUAL YEARS)? Well, allow me to reconfirm this: Anakin loves Obi-Wan, like, a LOT.
Here, Obi-Wan decides to take matters into his own hands by jumping over to this “closed” ship that Mother Pran and Kolara are flipping their shit about, and he does it by deploying an Amazingly Huge Force Jump, as is his way. The ladies are overwhelmed:
…and Anakin’s all “yep, that’s my hero; he’s so amazing” while taking pictures for his Obi-Wan fanblog, telling them simply that he went…
The ladies are horrified: what the hell is Kenobi thinking going up there? That handsome idiot’s going to get himself killed!
Anakin, briefly taking a pause from texting a set of pictures of Obi-Wan being heroic to Quinlan Vos and Duchess Satine, reassures them that Obi-Wan will be fine, and he does this by saying the SWEETEST, CUTEST, MOST TOUCHING THING EVER AND I AM NOW DEAD:
“There is no one better.” I’m going to need a minute. Everyone: Anakin idolized him so much. SO MUCH. And then Anakin grew up and still loved him and they became the B-est of BFFs and then they raised a badass Padawan together and THEN ANAKIN WENT INSANE AND TRIED TO KILL HIM. And then Obi-Wan gravely injured him AND THEN OBI-WAN CRIED AND TOLD HIM HE LOVED HIM. Seriously: Star Wars, HOW DARE YOU. WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT.
Before we move on, please take a moment to really look at Kenobi here, everyone. Behold his hair, for one thing. This is a damned beautiful man, and if I wasn’t already recapping this from beyond the grave because Anakin killed me with his fangirling, this image alone would have done me in. You are not wrong here, Skywalker: there really is no one better. 💗 God, these two are destroying me in this series for so many reasons.
Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Ultimate Badass
Obi-Wan puts a stop to the airship that was firing on everyone before by aiming a Saber Throw at it, slicing it open and causing a huge explosion. He then walks away from this blazing inferno he’s caused with not one single scratch on him, detachedly strutting away while holding out his hand and retrieving his lightsaber. OH MY GOD. THIS MAN.
(Side note: I cannot be the only person who immediately thought of Angela Bassett and the torched car.)
Sometimes I just have to laugh at Kenobi getting the business from Smug Smuggler Han Solo in Episode 4, with his whole “whatever Old Dude check out my fast ride you decrepit fossil, the Force is for pussies” routine. Fine: I’m sure Han had some wild adventures in his day and clearly the man ends up being a hero in his own right (and hey! He also gets treated to having his son betray him, too), but nevertheless BITCH, PLEASE: you have nothing on Obi-Wan Goddamned Kenobi, Solo. Nothing. This man just singlehandedly leapt up into the air, hurled a cauterizing weapon at a moving airship, blew it up, and walked away without even blinking and retrieved his weapon using only the fucking Force AND maintained an impeccable hair game while doing so. And this event would not even make a list of Top 100 Amazing Things this guy has done or will do, possibly even in this week. And he’s doing it while parenting the 12-year-old Jedi Messiah. Take a seat, Han Solo and pretty much everyone else in the entire Star Wars universe.
Just knowing Obi-Wan’s backstory makes that subtly amused face he makes at Luke and Han — this sort of “LOL oh you sweet naive children” look — even better.
Anakin Skywalker, My Enabler
YES, I KNOW I AM SPENDING A LOT OF TIME TALKING ABOUT OBI-WAN IN THIS RECAP. If this is your first visit to Snark Wars, I apologize if I’ve blindsided you. If this isn’t your first visit, well, then you can’t really claim to be surprised. I…I think I’m somehow becoming a MORE committed Kenobi Fangirl here as I write this? Was that even possible? I would have previously sworn it couldn’t be done, but here we are (and, fittingly, it’s in part because ANAKIN SKYWALKER is repeatedly pointing out how fantastic Obi-Wan is and I’m like “…you’re right Anakin! He is so beautiful and amazing!”)
Aaaanyways, Anakin and I will go write him some fan mail together later. For now, Anakin helps a man who jumped from the ship that Obi-Wan just blew up by pulling him to safety.
Mother Pran and Kolara are horrified: NOOOOO you idiot, that’s some guy named Grecker! He’s a Closed and he’s awful and the worst! Don’t save him! Kill that asshole!!
Anakin, wanting us all to feel pain again, is like “sorry lady, Anakin Skywalker doesn’t shamelessly murder people — who the fuck do you think I am? Darth Vader?!!”
Mother Pran pulls out her weapons again to do the dirty work herself, and so does this Grecker guy. Soon Anakin finds himself smooshed between the two opposing sides, and that’s when he gets the Go-Ahead from on high.
Obi-Wan Kenobi, Green-Light-Giver
Obi-Wan, standing majestically (of course) above them all, tells Anakin to proceed to disarm them all by unleashing his inner badass:
…naturally, Anakin is not about to let Obi-Wan down (uh, this time,) and so he busts out his lightsaber and slices their blasters to pieces:
The two sides are furious: well! If Skywalker’s going to take their guns away from them, by golly, they’ll just have to get into a knife fight instead! They pull out blades and are advancing on each other when suddenly their knives are ripped from their hands, too — but not by Anakin!
Obi-Wan Kenobi, Fucking Glorious Space Wizard
LOOK AT OBI-WAN. LOOK AT HIM. I know, I know — I said I was going to try and dial it back but this COMIC, YOU GUYS.
They’re A Team
Obi-Wan, having grabbed the knives, introduces The Team to the group thusly:
He asks why these two groups are so intent on killing each other and they get into a “The Closed started it!” “no The Open started it!” back-and-forth and at this, Obi-Wan goes into lecture-y teacher mode and is like “Well THERE. Now you all have no implements to murder each other with, so have fun working out your problems nonviolently on your crap planet while Anakin and I leave you forever.”
So…is this what the Jedi USED to do pre-Clone Wars, mostly? Show up, steal people’s weapons, then ride off on their sanctimonious high horse of Peacefulness after lecturing people? No wonder Satine Kryze was so into this guy, and why she was so pissed at him later for being a key part of an actual army of the damned.
Anyways, as Obi-Wan tries to start walking away, Grecker is like uhhh hold up there random Wizard who just stole all our stuff? I hate to break it to you, Skygift — their term for anyone or thing who dropped down from the sky — but without weapons we’re all pretty much gonna die trying to find out way home. It’s super dangerous and there are monsters all over the place that will kill us.
Anakin is troubled — gee whiz, Obi-Wan, we’re not really gonna just leave them to die are we you wouldn’t let that happen will you pleeeeeeeease let us stay and help? Obi-Wan, his hand forced, is like OK FINE UGH.
So the group sets off — Anakin proposes that they cobble together a working ship from the wreckage of the two airships that were just shooting at each other. They all agree to this, if somewhat grudgingly, and Anakin and Obi-Wan note that once they get everyone to relative safety, they’ll leave these guys behind in order to discover the source of the Ancient Mystery Distress Signal that brought them here in the first place. Kolara is like “I still don’t get how ANYONE here could have called for you guys, we lost the Jedi’s 1-800 number like a LONG time ago…”
Then, Grecker is like “uhhh we better get moving because something ACTUALLY called the CORPSE-LEECHES are on to us” and YIKES:
Recurring Theme: OK, So There May Have Been a Hint or Two
Ha, OK, this part. So, Obi-Wan and Anakin are facing down these horrifying monsters, and Obi-Wan tells Anakin to relax: he can sense that these are simple creatures who just want to LIVE, damn it, just like all of us and sometimes I forget that Obi-Wan is also supposed to be good with animals and for God’s sake why is he the best person ever. He tells Anakin to use the Force to influence them to get lost.
Anakin is all nervous because Anakin knows full well that he’s never going to have the patience to pull this off. He tries to peacefully send the creatures on their way, calling them friends and trying his best to stay calm…
…but inevitably they advance on him, and he ends up going berserker and slicing off all of their heads. Uh…don’t worry about it, Anakin! Who among us hasn’t slaughtered large groups of sentient beings with a laser sword? It’s practically a rite of passage for most 12-year-olds. [nervous laughter] This definitely isn’t a bad omen in any way, shape or form so don’t sweat it, Skyguy!
Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, Wants to Be a Good Jedi
With this in mind, we flash back now to the Jedi Temple again, before Obi-Wan and Anakin’s current mission. Obi-Wan is attempting to teach Anakin to soothe yet another Savage Beast using the Force:
…uh, where the hell in the Temple are they supposed to be? Does the Temple literally have a room full of scary animals? Is this a side business they run: Terrifying Petting Zoo? The more I learn about the Jedi Order, the more amused I am, and the more I’m like “WELL NO WONDER YOU ALL TURNED OUT WEIRD.”
Anyways, Anakin is really struggling here. He keeps trying to calm the creature, but laments: all he can feel is the beast’s rage and anger. Well then. Hmm. I’m sure that’s not significant.
Obi-Wan is so super understanding and patient with him here and hang on I have something in my eye. He tells Anakin he’ll get it: he just needs practice. Anakin, sweetly, is like “I’ll do anything, Master! I’ll stay up all night and I’ll drink 18 cups of coffee to stay awake if I have to, and I’ll just keep practicing this from now until the sun burns out! I won’t fail you and I never will and are all of you getting this, Audience?!”
Obi-Wan replies that he knows that Anakin totally would keep practicing this until his midi-chlorians literally burst into flame or whatever, but he isn’t going to have time to practice right now…Anakin, you see, has an appointment.
Anakin is perplexed:
…awww. Anakin, your self esteem is not great, is it?
I Need To Borrow Your Kid
Wanna guess who Anakin’s Big Appointment is with? Hmm? Do you?
So, let’s be real: PLENTY of people own at least a piece of the blame for what ends up happening to the Jedi Order and the Universe — the Council, for spending too much time focusing on the wrong things and sitting in the dark (literally AND figuratively!) for years on end, Obi-Wan, Padme, the Senate, the Separatists, many other key players, and obviously Anakin and his dumb doofus brain and glorious head of hair, of course.
But that said, let us not forget about Sheev Palpatine: Kindly Old Man by Day, Secret Sith Lord by Night, who is not going to make it easy for things to have gone any other way here. You might even say that even though his apprentice ultimately ends up murdering him (ah, irony,) he’s the most professionally successful character in all of Star Wars, and honestly? I think he probably has more fun than pretty much EVERYONE. This guy is evil and he is savoring it.
So there the boys are in Palps’ office, and he’s like HEY: I have to run an errand, Kenobi — I’m gonna need to borrow your padawan.
Obi-Wan, in reply, is like “uhh…OK, but here’s the thing: Anakin is TWELVE. If you need a Jedi for an errand how about you take, oh, say, ME and we’ll let the ACTUAL CHILD stay behind? You know, because sending a child on a mission WITH THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNIVERSE seems ill-advised? He still has much to learn, Chancellor.”
Palpatine won’t be dissuaded, of course, because if he’d just been like “You’re right, nevermind then,” the rest of the saga wouldn’t have happened. Instead he’s like “Oh relax, Kenobi, I’ll have him back in one piece (this time! Har!)”
Recurring Theme: Bonding Time With My Evil Son
BONUS Recurring Theme: You’ll Never Recognize Me With My Hood On
So, where are Palpatine and Anakin off to on their little mission of Laying the Evil Foundation? Why, the perfect place to take a child: a nightclub in the underworld!
Palpatine, who for-real describes himself as being “in disguise” for simply wearing a hooded cloak (because this is, of course, a classic Recurring Theme of Star Wars,) has taken Anakin to Level 2685 of Coruscant. He explains this as being part of his, like, benevolent outreach to the citizenry that don’t have as much as the surface-dwellers of the planet. He cares SO MUCH about the less-fortunate, you guys. This Palpatine dude seems totally great. He’s so much better than the previous Chancellor, and he understands that it’s so important to bring light to the darkness and just COME ON, STAR WARS.
So they enter a bar, and Palpatine explains to Anakin that he comes down to these places periodically…to try and do some good. Sure.
Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi Is Wrong About Something
So now we flash-forward, leaving the Story of Anakin’s Big Night Out With Uncle Palpatine for another time, and we’re back on Carnelion IV with Obi-Wan and Anakin and their Open and Closed travelling partners. They’re in the airship they’ve cobbled together, and Obi-Wan and Anakin are chatting about how they’re glad that, for whatever reason, they’ve all agreed to work together for now.
Anakin says that their fighting reminds him of “us”, which Obi-Wan misinterprets:
LOL. I love that he assumed Anakin meant their yelling at each other. Anakin’s like “no no, Master, I didn’t mean you and me — we’re totally going to be BFFs someday and nothing will ever come between us — I meant the Jedi and the Sith.”
Obi-Wan wraps things up for this issue by saying that they’re all just gonna have to trust in the Force (yeah, sure, because the Force never fucks anything up for anyone,) and that even though things are still uncertain right now, he believes that for the first time since they landed, they’re safe. Of course, as he says this, their airship flies over what appears to be an army of Halloween decorations, so things are maybe going to get worse before they get better:
So with that, it’s To Be Continued! Will the boys help usher in a new era of peace between the Open and the Closed? Will Palpatine let Anakin buy a Shirley Temple at the bar? Will Anakin find new things to admire about Obi-Wan that he can add to his blog? We’ll have to wait and see! Until then, friends — thanks for joining me!