Snark Wars Special Edition: Love During Wartime

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Hello there!
Everyone enjoying the end of the summer? (Unless you are in a part of the world where it is not, in fact, summer at the moment?) At any rate, is everyone taking Anakin’s advice and keeping their distance from sand in general, regardless of season?

I return today from my brief end-of-summer Snark Wars Hiatus to bring you all something that I can really only describe as being “completely up this site’s alley”, which is of course to say that it’s full of Sadness, Hot Jedi Hair Action, and Obi-Wan and Anakin being basically very happily married until they are very much decidedly not.

Wait! you say: we already read your recaps of Revenge of the Sith! You made us relive it all beat-by-beat, blow-by-blow, sweaty-elevator-moment-by-sweaty-elevator-moment! Ah, yes, yes I did, my friends — but did you know that there is EVEN MORE OF THIS ANGST AND PAIN OUT THERE THAT WE DID NOT EXPERIENCE TOGETHER YET?

That’s why today, as my Very Special Gift to you all, we’re going to dive into some of the bits and pieces of one of my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE Star Wars movies that, due to runtime or consistency issues or because it was George Lucas’ movie and he just plain old didn’t feel like including it, got cut from the final version, making this content Really Technically Not Canon But Really, Really Close To Having Been Canon. Bust out your box of wine, surround yourself with a good support system and let’s see what our boys are up to this time.

Recurring Theme: Elevator Bromance

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LOL, the deleted scenes for this film REALLY DO INDEED START WITH A SEGMENT CALLED “Elevator Antics”. Yes, tragically, the very first thing on our “didn’t make the cut” list was EVEN MORE FOOTAGE of these two dorks flirting in an elevator. Perhaps Lucas realized that no matter what Elevator Content he included, it would never be able to convey what Matthew Stover did in the infamous “Anakin’s Butt” sequence of the Revenge of the Sith novelization.
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OK, so there’s Team Handsome and they are strutting — yes, LITERALLY THEY ARE STRUTTING LIKE MODELS DOWN A CATWALK — while the Not-Really-Real Soundtrack gets Hijinks-y.

Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, Extremely Huge Nerd

OH MY GOD, I had half-forgotten about this part until just now. So the boys approach the elevator on Greivous’ ship where the Poor Chancellor Has Definitely Not Faked His Own Kidnapping For Like The 45th Time During The Clone Wars, and Anakin comms over to Artoo about which way they should go, and receives only beeps back in response with no text translation.
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Fortunately for them, but especially for us, Anakin is THE BIGGEST DWEEB IN THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF EVER AND YES I KNOW THIS ENTIRE SERIES IS ABOUT DORKS SO PLEASE UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY HERE WHEN I SAY THIS, and initially Anakin asks Obi-Wan if he can understand what Artoo’s trying to tell them.
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Obi-Wan, making the face of a man who’s clearly thinking “one of us is getting dumber but I’m no longer sure which one”, is like “Uh…I am not a robot, Anakin? Remember?” Ha! Yes, Obes is really more on the “turning people INTO robots” side of things. (Sorry.)

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ANAKIN. ANAKIN ANAKIN ANAKIN. Obi-Wan is giving him this face like “what the hell is wrong with you?” and Anakin’s just earnestly plowing ahead into his own interpretation of what he thinks Artoo is saying, COMPLETE WITH BEEP SOUNDS. Jesus Christ, this movie is THE BEST THING EVER EVEN THE PARTS THAT GOT CANNED.

This next screengrab I got by accident kind of says it all:
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Obi-Wan continues: he senses Count Dooku above them, possibly because he can sense Grandfatherly Disappointment on a subatomic level despite not yet being a Betrayed Old Man himself yet.

Anakin, ignoring the fact that Obi-Wan is SO NOT INTO HIS LITTLE BEEPING SPIEL HERE, is like OH YEAH! You’re right: he WAS trying to tell us to go up, now that you mention it, and JUST LOOK AT THIS GUY’S FACE OH MY GOD:

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LEARN TO READ THE ROOM, SKYGUY

Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Long-Suffering Spouse

Obi-Wan MAKES THIS AMAZING FACE in response to Anakin’s absolute and total nerdery, and just…how can I even recap this scene properly? This scene was probably cut because IT CANNOT BE SNARK WARSED. It has done that itself.
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A bunch of destroyer droids show up behind them now and they sort of spring into action but to be honest they’re both sort of drowning in their ENORMOUSLY GIANT ROBES as usual so they’re really mostly standing there deflecting shots, kinda.
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Obi-Wan then presses the elevator button again, lamenting that “there’s never an elevator when you need one”, which given the amount of insinuation I’ve done about these two and elevators really seems extremely suggestive. Keep it in your pants, Kenobes!

Recurring Theme: The Kenobi-Skywalkers, Galaxy’s Worst Comedians

So then the two do finally get that, uh, elevator they’ve been waiting for, and we’re treated to an unfinished scene with the battle droids that pop up behind them.
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Both of them look at each other like “welp here’s some of this bullshit again” and mow down the droids with ease. And immediately after doing so, Obi-Wan tosses out a snarky “Roger…” as Anakin completes this “joke” with his own “…Roger!” AND JUST LOOK AT THESE FUCKING NERDS OH MY GOD HELP:
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I love that they both make these SUPER LAME QUIPS ALL THE TIME. I mean, I know everyone in Star Wars does but I love that they’re two of the worst offenders AND that at least they seem to make each OTHER laugh. That’s important in a marriage.

Recurring Theme: We Couldn’t Decide How To Kill This Character
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So that about wraps it up for THAT edition of Love In An Elevator, Star Wars-Style, and we move on to yet another thing Star Wars does a lot: killing and re-killing the same person. This time the, uh, lucky character is Shaak Ti. It seems that Star Wars has indeed finally decided that Anakin’s the one who actually kills her during his Temple Visit at the end of this movie, but at one point apparently Grievous was gonna give her the ax and make sure Obi-Wan had to be there to watch because of COURSE that was the plan at one point.

The Boys ONCE AGAIN go sauntering around the ship’s hallways like I LOVE THAT EVEN IN THE FINAL CUT THEY ARE CONSTANTLY DOING THIS. They might as well be walking to the break room for some shitty coffee and to gossip about people they don’t like for all the urgency they keep demonstrating.

Anyways they get midway down the hall and Anakin’s like “…hey that’s Shaak Ti”:
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Shaak Ti immediately apologizes, solemnly, TO OBI-WAN SPECFICALLY because she’s about to die and I guess she’s just read or been around for enough of Obi-Wan’s horrible life (or she’s read ahead in the script by now) and she feels especially bad for him that he’s gonna have to watch yet another person die.

Grievous ALSO only addresses Obi-Wan, like…is Anakin a ghost that only Obi-Wan can see? Normally I give Anakin shit for complaining that no one’s paying attention to him but this time it’s actually true! Grievous goes ahead and backwards-Mauls Shaak Ti:
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Cause of Death: These Two

The boys get surrounded by droids as Shaak Ti dies, and Anakin is like AWWWW SHIT IT’S ON NOW, GRIEVOUS, and Obi-Wan finishes his sentence while also looking like he’s gonna fuck shit up, and that is when this scene becomes ACTUAL GOLD, because — and I am not in any way fabricating any of this — they proceed to communicate wordlessly via their own sort of DOPEY PERSONAL BASEBALL SIGNALS to determine how best to get out of this.
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DO YOU PEOPLE UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH TIME THEY WOULD HAVE HAD TO PUT INTO THIS? HOW MANY TIMES ANAKIN PROBABLY FORGOT WHICH SIGNAL WAS WHICH AND THEY ENDED UP BLOWING SHIT UP BY ACCIDENT? HOW FUCKING SICK OF THIS CUTE BOYFRIEND NONSENSE THE 212TH AND 501ST MUST HAVE BEEN? (“Sirs, please, can you just TELL US WHAT THE HELL YOU WANT US TO DO NO ONE UNDERSTANDS YOUR LITTLE HAND GESTURE GAME,” pleads a disheveled and Very Tired Commander Cody.) I LOVE THIS MOVIE AND THESE TWO SO MUCH THAT EVEN THIS BLOG CANNOT EFFECTIVELY CONVEY IT.

OK: so naturally Anakin’s first suggestion is apparently to burn shit to the ground, because Obi-Wan’s immediate reaction is “rescue, Anakin, not mayhem,” before dismissing the next suggestion as well.
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Obi-Wan tosses out his own idea, which he conveys through a SAUCY TWIRL OF HIS MUSTACHE and GOD ALMIGHTY DO I EVER WANNA KNOW WTF THESE SIGNALS MEANT. Anakin rejects this idea as they’re too outnumbered, before pouting and brushing over his brow, a suggestion that Obi-Wan seems to take to in, uh, several ways:
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ANYHOW: Anakin’s brilliant plan was to saw a hole through the floor. Subtlety, thy name is Skywalker.
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Recurring Theme: If You Insist, Star Wars

They drop through the hole in the floor and land in a sewer-ish sort of thing and I’m just going to assume that this is because Star Wars felt like we deserved a new and exciting location for these two to bitch-flirt at each other in, as Obi-Wan immediately starts in with his whole GAHD ANAKIN YOU ARE SO VERY RECKLESS THIS DOES NOT SEEM SAFE TO ME BUT YES I WILL CONTINUE TO WREAK HAVOC WITH YOU FOREVER BFFS FOR LIFE:
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Also I should probably note that this Whole Situation was supposed to be a part of this scene, and there’s really nothing else I can say to you all about this except that once again Anakin is making one of those faces where I’m just like DO YOU NEED TO BE DOING THIS?
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Life Imitates Art

OK OK: Team Space Spouse end up having to crawl through some more tunnels in an effort to escape a bunch of droids…
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…and after they emerge Anakin uses his lightsaber to seal the tunnel shut. Obi-Wan is like TSK TSK ANAKIN THAT’LL NEVER HOLD YOU ARE WRONG I AM RIGHT and Anakin preeeeetttty much just makes the same face at Obi-Wan that I made at my husband last time we were at an airport and he swore he knew where the shuttle bus pickup was when I KNEW HE WAS OH SO VERY WRONG:
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…and, just like me being ultimately proven correct about where the bus stop for the Park and Fly was, Anakin too is vindicated — and Obi-Wan, much like my husband, is left to be like “HUH WELL UH NEVERMIND THEN”:
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Recurring Theme: Bonding Time With My Evil Son

We now switch over to Coruscant, where the next few cut scenes involve Palpatine Being Evil, while Padme and Mon Mothma and Bail start the GFFA’s first #Resist movement.

First, Anakin is informed by Sidious that the Dear Ol’ Chancellor is just about to be given direct control over the Jedi Council, and I tell you all: I LOVE that Anakin spends like 80% of this movie looking SO UTTERLY CONFUSED:
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Palpatine tells him that this way the war will come to a swift end, and I mean, he wasn’t LYING, I guess. Anakin, sounding like he has no idea what is going on, is like YEAH SURE I AGREE WITH WHATEVER YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT JUST NOW. He…just really should not have been let out of the house unsupervised, ever.

Anakin is like “uh I don’t think the Jedi Order’s gonna like that” and Sids is basically like LOL SEE IF I CARE:
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He then does a little fatherly walk-and-talk and I just have to stop right here to tell you all that I met both of these guys this year in actual life, they were both lovely and kind, and I can sleep easier at night now knowing that I got to tell them to their faces that the two of them together were one of the biggest highlights of this series for me. I meant it then, I mean it now.
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OK! So Palps is like OH POOR ANAKIN why WON’T they make you a Jedi MASTER?! And Anakin, as if he’s in on the joke himself, is like “uh well I guess I have to be older and…wiser to get there and we ALL KNOW THAT’S NOT ME RIGHT NOW”:
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Palpatine is like OH PISH POSH: age doesn’t mean shit. I think they’re AFRAID of you, Anakin! They see your future! WELL YEAH, NO SHIT. This then segues into the rest of this scene where Palpatine appoints Anakin to be his “personal representative”, which was left in the final cut.

Attachment and Electricity Are Forbidden
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Next up we have a scene that’s just a different spin on a lot of lines that were kept in the final version, except it’s Yoda, Mace and Obi-Wan saying them all inside that Closet With the Mini-Blinds And No Lights that Yoda has. Mace throws out the line that if Palpatine doesn’t give up his powers after they finally ice Grievous, he should be removed from office and Obi-Wan, looking handsome, is like “ARRESTED?! HOLY SHITBALLS”:
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The Justice League

In Bail’s apartment, our favorite Dad from Alderaan is expounding on some insane and worrying moves that Palpatine has posted just since that morning (!), and let me tell you: I FEEL YOU GUYS SO HARD, TEAM BAIL.
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Bail is like “GUYS: Democracy! We all love that, right? I mean I don’t wanna sound like a Separatist…but we can’t let this tool get away with this shit!” Mon Mothma chimes in that they’re loyalists, looking to preserve the Republic.
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Padme, looking troubled, is like “but it’s so WEIRD because, like, Palpatine is my Old Buddy from Naboo and it’s NOT odd that he’s taken such a creeptastic interest in both me and my secret husband all these years even going back to our actual childhoods or anything! WHO WOULD HAVE SEEN EVIL COMING FROM THAT GUY?” Padme? I like you, a lot, but you and Anakin were kind of made for each other and not JUST because of the more admirable qualities you two share.

LOL that the whole room is like “Oh Padme, no my friend” as she talks:
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Recurring Theme: Padme Amidala, Doesn’t Wanna Know About How Bad It’s Gotten

Bail continues: he and Mon Mothma have started putting together a seeeecret society that will Fight For Democracy, and Padme is like OOOOOhhhhhhkay, Bail, that’s enough, we probably don’t need to say any more of this out loud you feel me?

Bail agrees, and says that from now on they all need to make a pact to only speak about this within their little team huddle here. Mon, looking pointedly and amusingly at Padme, is like YEAH AND YOU CAN’T TELL ANYONE ELSE ABOUT THIS EVEN YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS OR SOME HOT SHIRTLESS GUY YOU’RE SEXING, AMIDALA. Padme reluctantly says “…agreed,” looking vaguely like she’s going to be ill. Why the long face, girl? Anakin seems like he takes the idea of being left out of things SUPER well.

Rebellion, Take Two

There’s another flavor of this scene, sort of, after this, this time at Padme’s apartment. Padme is all worried about them starting another war with their Secret Rebel Plans, and Mon Mothma assures her they’re only looking to contain the Chancellor’s power.
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Padme, wearing a VELVET HOODED MATERNITY GOWN WITH THE HOOD ON INDOORS FOR SOME REASON, is like mmkay well soooo I know we said to keep this under wraps but like….what if I just talked this over real quick with a Jedi that I know under non-sexual circumstances? and then I DIE BECAUSE EVERYONE LOOKS SO UNCOMFORTABLE:
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The group shoots Padme’s suggestion down, opting to present a Strongly Worded Letter to Ultimate Evil asking him to nicely back the fuck down first before consulting any Jedi. Padme looks Mighty Worried, and the scene concludes.

Confront Your Spouse At Work Day

We then see their plan play out in Sidious’ Den of Absolutely Not Anything Evil, as Padme’s Clique of Cool Senators Who Love Democracy face off against the Future Emperor:
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…why is Anakin here? Did Palps phone him up just beforehand to be like “hey I think your wife’s about to come here and try to foil my plans and I want you to see”? I mean, this is Anakin we’re talking about so it might have literally been worded to him that way and he’d still have shown up if Obi-Wan wasn’t home to be like “Anakin, No.”

Padme, rocking yet another insane maternity getup, asks Palpatine to commit to no further amendments to the Constitution, only to be given the same Condescending Old White Guy routine about how oh he TOTALLY just wants her safety and he HATES all of this just as much as SHE does but REALLY he’s just TRYING to do what’s best for everyone. Uh huh.
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Palpatine eventually ends up showing a few cracks in the facade here, cutting people off and just generally being a dick, and Padme? Is NOT INTO IT as she icily thanks him for his time:
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She also makes sure to get in some Anakin Side-Eye while she’s at it. Good for you, Padme.

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Someone’s sleeping on the open-air patio tonight. 

Recurring Theme: ANAKIN COME ON

The Senators are NOT EVEN FULLY OUT OF THE ROOM YET when Palpatine turns to Anakin and is all “oh bless their hearts, their request is so sweet, but also? Don’t you think maybe they are hatching some kind of secret plot?” and Anakin, dopily, looks at Palpatine like he does not follow what this guy is laying down even .2% of the way. OBI-WAN KENOBI, PLEASE COME COLLECT YOUR HUSBAND.

Sidious puts it bluntly: they’re not to be trusted, and Anakin is like WAIT NOW I CAN’T TRUST THE SENATORS EITHER?! WTF:
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Anakin is like but wait wait wait what about PADME. I can trust HER! Sidious is like “eeeeehh, some people try to make their move for Powah during unstable times NOT THAT I WOULD KNOW FIRSTHAND OR ANYTHING, also I can totally tell she’s hiding something.” Well, we sure as hell know it’s not her pregnancy or secret marriage, both of which she’s done a terrible job of hiding. Anakin is like NUH UH NOT PADME, and Sidious is just…amazingly evil here and smoothly remarks that he’s really surprised that Anakin, what with being a superhero and all, can’t sense her betrayal. He knows there’s Much Conflict in Anakin, and Anakin makes this face like “DAMN IT, WHY DID I TELL HIM ALL THAT PERSONAL STUFF AND GIVE HIM THE PASSWORD TO MY PRIVATE BLOG”:
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Recurring Theme: I Didn’t Ask For This, Star Wars

We now jump way ahead to After All The Really Bad Things Start, and Obi-Wan and Yoda’s arrival at the Jedi Temple. This scene, which was largely to be CGI’d, gave us the “gift” of having to watch Obi-Wan mow down a bunch of Anakin’s 501st guys, who are masquerading at the Temple as Jedi:
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Yeah. Thanks a lot, Star Wars. I really wanted to have to think about how Obi-Wan probably knew every one of these guys.

Recurring Theme: An Old Friend Has Learned the Path to Immortality, And He’s Here To Mess With Your Head
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One of the last scenes we get is the extended version of Yoda’s meditation after he reconnects up with Bail. And this time, we get to see what he was doing during that meditation: he was just having a little ghostly chit chat with Qui-Gon! Qui-Gon pretty much just makes an appearance here (with an unfinished, non-Liam-Neeson audio track) to recap for Yoda that Being a Force Ghost is a Thing, and that he’s going to teach Yoda how to do it, and that when you do become a ghost, you become More Powerful Than You Can Possibly Imagine. Ah! Thanks for the reminder, Master Jinn!

Master Yoda Will Return In: Eccentric Swamp Muppet Stealing Luke Skywalker’s Food
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And finally, we round things out with a quick, wordless series of shots of Yoda arriving into his exile on Dagobah. Good times, uh, I guess, except for the end of the universe and destruction of everything the Jedi held dear and whatever.

…that’s all I’ve got for you today, my dear readers! I hope you enjoyed this little bonus peek back at this wonderful, beautiful, tragic and delightfully weird movie. See you next time, and thanks for reading!