Star Wars: Episode III, Part VI: Until We Meet Again

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Star Wars, Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, Part VI

At long last, we’re bringing this one in for a landing, gang! I debated trying to sew up the final 30-ish minutes of this film into one entry (given that my last recap was huge and only covered a whopping SEVENTEEN MINUTES,) but I am pleased to report I have emerged victorious and only slightly more emotionally compromised than I was when I began.

Last time, on Anakin Skywalker Presents: A Master Class in Overreactions, Padme had a Very Bad Feeling about a lot of things and failed as Anakin’s Interventionist, Obi-Wan got an even bigger dose of the usual punch in the balls Star Wars is always delivering to him, and Palpatine taught us all an important lesson about how if you really try hard and believe in yourself and follow your dreams, you’ll find yourself with everything you ever wanted.

In this final installment, Yoda watches it all fall apart, Anakin gets a new uniform to go with that new title, and Obi-Wan finds himself with an unexpected nanny gig after the boys go through a really traumatic breakup. Oh, and the Mother of the Rebellion gets maybe killed by Ancient Evil. This movie’s so lighthearted. Onward!

I Don’t Deserve This
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Having come to the conclusion that they weren’t going to be able to just Hug It Out, Team Handsome has sprung into action and are fighting each other. It’s the absolute worst thing ever and none of us deserved this treatment and how DARE YOU MAKE ME WATCH THIS GEORGE. HOW DARE YOU. Nevertheless, it features some seriously fancy footwork from our guys, and the Drama is ramped up a zillion percent, and John Williams is bringing it in the soundtrack department, so even though I hate this I also love it.
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Master Yoda, Last-Ditch-Effort-Maker
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While the worst thing ever happens on Mustafar, another worst thing is going on over on Coruscant, where Yoda has arrived to pay our friend Darth Sidious a visit. He shows up to an office (is this the THIRD room with a desk we’ve seen Palpatine sitting at SINCE THIS MOVIE STARTED? How many desks does this guy need?) and when he gets there Sidious is just sitting there staring into space. Well, I guess once you’ve hit all your project milestones ahead of schedule you’re entitled to a little break time.

Anyways, obviously one of my favorite parts of this scene is Yoda’s grand entrance, where he shoves the Imperial Guards out of the way with the Force like he’s swatting flies:
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Even better: Sidious like, doesn’t even have a reaction to any of this.
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The Boy Is Mine

Yoda steps in and is like “OH HEY, DARTH SIDIOUS YEAH THAT’S RIGHT I KNOW YOUR DUMB SITH NAME, I hear you have a new apprentice. WELL GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ONE, SIDS, BECAUSE THAT BOY IS A CHALLENGE” (OK, he doesn’t say that last part but we ALL KNOW HE’S THINKING IT.)
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Sidious says “…you survived” in this annoyed, slightly disgusted voice and dear friends, let me tell you: I would pay Ian McDiarmid ONE THOUSAND AMERICAN DOLLARS to say some of his lines from this movie, or Return of the Jedi, to me. I’m not even sure I am exaggerating here. Like, I would hand him a stack of cash and be like “say “not from a Jedi” please please please please please please please please OMG I WILL DOUBLE IT IF YOU SAY QUITE OPERATIONAL” and he’d be like “…SECURITY!” and that would end up being the story of how I got banned from Star Wars Conventions.
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Anyways, Yoda is like “surprised to see me?” and seriously: the Jedi and the Sith should really stop with all of this “can you believe that I, your mortal enemy, am still alive?!” These morons have been warring against each other for THOUSANDS OF YEARS. The Jedi are never really wiped out, the Sith are never really gone (regardless of whatever you say, Sequel Trilogy — like I’m gonna buy that some Sith hasn’t figured out time travel or left a clone of themselves in a bacta tank somewhere) so everyone should just stop acting so surprised about it.

Sidious is like “whatever, I was bored anyways, so here: taste the Powah of the Dahhhk Side!” and blasts Yoda with Force Lightning, throwing him to the ground.
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Let’s Dance

The boys are still fighting. And that’s about all I can really say other than that they’ve taken things into that room where Anakin murdered a bunch of people before, and they’re doing a good job with their Stage Fighting and they both still look nice.

Back in Sidious’ office, the Delightful Dark Lord is cackling. CACKLING! Oh my God, the scenery-chewing. I am so in love with Star Wars villains, you have no idea (OK fine, regular readers of this site have SOME idea). They’re MORE cartoonish than some ACTUAL CARTOONS.
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So he’s marching over to Yoda’s incapacitated little body and just really savoring this all because really: he’s worked so HARD for this day, you know? Mas Amedda, who has hilariously been standing there the entire time, takes his leave. Sidious does some patented Oh-how-I’ve-waited-for-this-momenting in the Grand Tradition of every single person in this stupid series ever, and Yoda cracks an eye open and rises to his feet:
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Sidious pronounces the Jedi to be No More, and Yoda is like NUH UH and Force Pushes Sidious, sending him HYSTERICALLY flying backwards in an extremely undignified way.

Darth Sidious, Mean Boss

So, Yoda’s like LET’S DO THIS, and Sidious…TRIES TO RUN AWAY? Like, he Force-flips himself towards the doorway, and Yoda actually blocks him and is like “GOING SOMEWHERE?” WHERE WAS SIDIOUS GOING? Was he actually fleeing the scene? To…what? Go get Vaderkin and be like “you do it; I’m too important to fight”? Or was he just like…trying to make Yoda chase him because he wants to really draw this out? I love it. This is too funny.
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Sidious smirks: you can’t stop me! Darth Vader will become more POWAHFUL than EITHER of us! Is…is this a good thing? He shouldn’t want this, right? Because then his apprentice might be able to murder him in his sleep? Or whatever, I guess the Sith are all about that Powah bullshit so maybe he does want this.

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I don’t even honestly know if he cares all that much about how much physical or even Force strength Anakin has, because he probably feels pretty confident that Anakin won’t ever try to take him down. If Vader ever thinks about it, Sidious can always be like “…hey remember how you KILLED YOUR WIFE AND BETRAYED YOUR HUSBAND? Here, go spend some time around sand” (both of these are things that he pretty much actually says to him, in canon, in the books/comics,) and then Vader will just slump off to go cry in his Lava Castle WHICH SIDIOUS MADE HIM BUILD. I’m laughing at all of this but also sobbing. God, this guy devoted SO MUCH TIME to just ruining Anakin’s life. It’s unreal.

ANYWAYS: Yoda tells him not to get too confident about that Anakin Skywalker kid, and they two of them start dueling:

Love Hurts

Back with The Team, things are getting, uh, painful as Obi-Wan becomes the latest recipient of Anakin’s chokehold:
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Obi-Wan, bent over backwards, manages to free himself at the last second by literally kicking Anakin in the ass, which amuses me greatly. They move to hand-to-hand combat briefly before Anakin finds himself pinned down on his back and you know what? Describing this fight in words is coming off WAY more sexual than I intend for it to, but I swear I am literally just relaying to you all what is on the screen:

In the Senate, Sidious and Yoda are fighting it out IN that Chancellor Senate Pod, which is rising up into the now-empty Senate chambers. They are literally fighting for the heart of the Republic IN the heart of the Republic.

Recurring Theme: Opposites Repel

The Handsomes keep, uh, going at it, eventually reaching the point where they do the legally-mandated Force-Push-Against-Each-Other until they both fly backwards:
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…then they take it outside, the music takes a turn and UH OH EVERYONE WATCH OUT because it’s Duel of the Fates time, something that should clue Obi-Wan in to the fact that Nothing Good awaits him. (Though he obviously already assumed that much.)

Recurring Theme: When You Do What You Love, You Won’t Work a Day In Your Life

Sidious has now switched tactics and, laughing maniacally and having the goddamn time of his LIFE, is HURLING SENATE PODS AT YODA. Oh my God. Bless this movie.

The two of them flings pods at each other, finally reaching their own push-back sequence, except that they’re like, Better Force Guys than the Handsome Twins so they’re using fancy Lightning instead of just looking like they want to hold hands:
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They both go flying backwards after this, and Yoda loses his grip as he falls and I would like to point this part out because I SO vividly remember seeing his little nail marks here in the theater, and being like WOW COOL:
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Yoda looks up with dismay (while Sidious flails around hilariously,) and sees his little Jedi robe billowing down without him in it. I LOVE THIS TOUCH, because of course we famously will see yet another Hollow Jedi Robe in the NEXT saga film, but next time it’s going to be when things are moving their way back up.

Anakin Skywalker, Basically a Preschooler

Back on Mustafar (“Where Evil Dreams Come True!“), Vader and Obi-Wan are dancing their way out onto a very unstable little bridge suspended over lava. I know this is kind of the point, but I love that Obi-Wan is mostly on the defensive in this fight and is sort of taking the approach of “Well, he’ll tire himself out eventually”, like Anakin is 3 years old and having a tantrum. Not that this is THAT far from the truth. Just don’t pay him attention and he’ll wear himself out. 

Obi-Wan finds them some more stable ground to continue wailing on each other on, and I don’t LIKE THIS.
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Bail Organa, Emergency Lyft Driver

While Obi-Wan and Anakin pick up their commemorative photos from Volcanoes National Park, Yoda is making his retreat out of the Senate by crawling through what appears to be some sort of tunnel where all of the Republic’s ethernet cables are run through. I love that these people have all sorts of crazy technology and Space Wizards are a real thing and you can travel through space at lightspeed, but at the end of the day they’ve still gotta run a ton of cabling through the building to the Galactic Data Center just like the rest of us.
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Yoda comms over to Bail, who is driving towards the Senate, and tells him to come get him.

Darth Sidious, Not Taking a Big Leap Here

Mas Amedda is back with Sidious now and they’re hanging out in his Senate pod again, when the clones arrive to tell him that they haven’t found Yoda. Amedda scowls: then he must not be dead. Sidious instructs them to keep looking, and as they leave, he tells Amedda to summon a ride for him: he senses that things might be taking a turn for the worse for our Confused Trainwreck friend Darth Vader, which…you know, it’s not exactly a stretch to think this could be the case for Anakin on any given day. Poor Obi-Wan must have sensed it pretty much constantly for decades.

Nothing Can Come Between Us

Well, he’s holding his own for now, at least! The boys make their way across yet another bridge and suddenly a huge wall of lava descends on them, splitting them up to take shelter on either side of a post and remember how at the beginning of this movie they fought together back-to-back? I’m fine with everything that’s happening right now.
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After the lava wave recedes, they tear off and end up climbing up a giant post over a raging inferno. Again: I totally assumed this is what happened when I first saw those two old men in Episode 4. LOL.

Yoda climbs out of the tube he was crawling through and lands in Bail’s speeder. He sorrowfully says he’s failed, and he’ll have to go into exile. Well, that’s one way to react to all of this. I love that this is the Way of the Jedi: blow it, and then haul ass the hell out of there to somewhere no one can find you. LUKE.
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What’s His Secret?

The boys continue their climb and keep hashing at each other periodically as they go. I would like to point out that, once again, Anakin’s hair has seen decidedly less sweaty/stringy days, while Obi-Wan appears to still be mostly bringing it. Is this like a Dark Side rage thing? Your hair is the first thing to suffer? What a shame.

So there’s a bunch more Dramatics (and oh my God the MUSIC you guys it could literally NOT be more drama-filled AT ALL,) and the two of them do a bunch of the same shit they did in like every episode of TCW: jumping around and swinging on stuff and doing improbable leaps, and ultimately they each land on a tiny little platform, riding down the lava rapids.
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Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, Doofus
BONUS Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Bad Day-Haver

Face-to-face now, Obi-Wan takes a long look at Anakin and declares that he’s failed him as a mentor. Anakin, immediately, announces that he SHOULD HAVE KNOWN the Jedi were plotting to take over. LOL. OK, sure Skywalker. You totally have so much evidence to base this on that did not come from a SITH LORD. Obi-Wan, in reply, yells at him that CHANCELLOR PALPATINE IS EVIL! Thank you, Obi-Wan, for once again speaking the words in my heart.
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Anakin, looking like an absolute fucking MESS, is like NUH UH I think the JEDI are evil, and Obi-Wan tells him that he really, truly, must be an idiot. OK, fine, I guess the word he uses is “lost”. Obi-Wan is classier than I am.

They hang ten a little bit more down the river,  and Anakin makes a very inaccurate pronouncement about how this is the End for Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan spies an out, and flings himself up to The Infamous High Ground.
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The Long and Winding Road
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I can’t do this sequence justice in a smartass recap. All I can say is that Obi-Wan likely realizes that he has one slim chance of emerging victorious here, and that’s by basically appealing to the snotty, arrogant nature of the Sith, and that subconsciously he still has a lot of other feelings going on that manifest themselves in what he ends up saying to Anakin in the final moments of their duel.
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As he’s standing on the banks of the river, elevated just above Anakin, he tells Anakin that he’s won, Anakin can’t possibly win now, and that he shouldn’t try anything stupid. This whole thing can be read two ways and both of them probably ultimately have the effect of just pissing Anakin off even more: one, here’s fucking Obi-Wan telling him what not to do, again – that smug pompous jackass always thinks he knows everything — and two, if he’s right that jumping over there is indeed a bad idea that is likely to get Anakin killed, it means that Obi-Wan is, somehow, unbelievably still trying to give Anakin an out. Don’t do it. Don’t seal your fate. 

Anyway, You’ll Never Know The Many Ways I’ve Tried

Naturally, Anakin makes the wrong (or “preordained by the Force”, who clearly hates us all,) choice and jumps over there, and it’s grim and gory and awful as Obi-Wan cuts off both his legs, his remaining non-robotic arm, and his whole body rolls a foot or so from the open lava. These two! My heart breaks; it’s just horrible.

I’ve noted many times before how almost hilariously composed Obi-Wan stays in the face of the total insanity that happens to him (like the MULTIPLE returns of Darth Maul, or even the stuff he just saw back at the Jedi Temple,) but here is where we finally get to see that even this guy has a breaking point, and it’s now. His posture is defeated, he looks utterly heartbroken and he just lets fly at Anakin, screaming out a tear-streaked how-could-you-do-this speech that is one of the most memorable in the saga:
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OBI-WAN: (continuing) . . . You were the Chosen One! It was said that you would destroy the Sith, not join them! Bring balance to the Force, not leave it in Darkness!

Because There Wasn’t Any Reason Left to Keep It All Inside

Importantly and sadly, Obi-Wan grabs Anakin’s lightsaber as he begins to walk away:
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And then this part happens, which nearly always makes me teary, because I love these guys and their stupid story. Even though I’ve always known it was coming to this, it’s like I want to will it away every time I watch:
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ANAKIN: I hate you!

OBI-WAN: You were my brother, Anakin. I loved you.

Ultimately Obi-Wan can’t/doesn’t deliver a final blow, leaving the flames to do this for him (or so he thinks, possibly), and walks away, horrified.

When It Will Be Right, I Don’t Know

Obi-Wan miserably makes his way back to Padme’s ship, where Artoo meets him at the platform. I love that Artoo is like FUCK NO I’m not staying here and becoming property of EvilCo! and just immediately goes with Obi-Wan. He walks up the ramp into the ship, where Threepio is flipping out about Padme’s condition. Obi-Wan PUTS HIS HAND REASSURINGLY on Threepio’s shoulder as he enters, and I have died every single time I see this. SOMEONE HUG OBI-WAN FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST.

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Because Obi-Wan was having such a great day to begin with, he now approaches Padme, who’s not doing super great even though her makeup and hair is still super on point all things considered:

Padme comes to briefly and asks if Anakin is all right, and I’ll just let Obi-Wan’s face speak for itself because I am really starting to regret putting myself through the act of recapping this:
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The ship takes off and Obi-Wan teeters on the verge of a breakdown.

Recurring Theme: I Was Too Angry To Die
BONUS Recurring Theme: I Get By With a Little Help From My Wicked Friends

On Mustafar, Vader is clawing his way up the banks of the river with his one remaining limb, which is his robotic arm:
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Sidious’ ship arrives and he heads down to the river and is relieved to see Vader’s still alive. He sends the clones to get a medical pod, and kneels next to Vader and does some sort of Dark Side Touch to his forehead.
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Yoda, meanwhile, is wrapping up a conversation with Qui-Gon’s Force Ghost but we don’t get to see that part because it got cut so really in the final version he’s just doing some generic meditation. It’s at that point that Bail arrives with the good (“good”) news: Obi-Wan is still alive and he’s made contact.

ER: Star Wars Edition

So now we get the Mirroring Treatment in the form of Padme and Anakin’s respective Fights for Life. On Coruscant, Vader is rushed to the Evil ER by Sidious and co, and I love that his “medical pod” or whatever IS OPEN TO THE ELEMENTS, AND IT’S RAINING. That seems…unsafe? (Wait. WAIT: I just realized something! I said back in this recap that I didn’t think we’d ever seen it rain on Coruscant! I KNEW I HAD TO BE WRONG! Oh, I love when this stuff happens. Oh, and OF COURSE we see it rain there in the final Ahsoka arc of TCW. Well played, Star Wars. WELL PLAYED.)

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On Polis Massa, Obi-Wan, Yoda and Bail are getting all KINDS of bad news. First off, Padme’s dying for Reasons Not Explained By Medical Science. OK, I am not going to get TOO far into this because God knows it’s been analyzed to pieces elsewhere, but I’ll just say that I don’t get too worked up about the fact that this is the story. I am aware that many, MANY other people do.

Maybe Sidious drained her life force and redirected it to Vader. Maybe she just had understandably had enough of this shit. Maybe this is a stupid, silly movie series about made-up nonsense and I just don’t take it seriously enough. I mean, I have said my piece before about how it’s getting a little old that the girls keep having to take one for the team so that some Jedi Dude can Feel Ways About Things, but whatever. I feel like if we’re really gonna start ticking off the many ways in which Star Wars is nonsensical or the times when something goofy or improbable happens WE ARE GOING TO BE HERE FOR A WHILE. I just go along for the ride. Your mileage, of course, may vary. That’s OK. But it is what it is.
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Secondly, they find out that she’s going to be leaving not one, but TWO babies behind: because Surprise! It’s Twins. Yoda and Obi-Wan’s faces, omg:
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Damnit, Anakin.

You Wanna Talk About Unrealistic, People?
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While Vader gets his new robo-parts, Padme delivers the twins. And let me tell you all something: you guys wanna talk about something in this movie that’s unacceptably unrealistic? It’s THIS PART: not because Padme is dying, but because SHE LOOKS LIKE THIS WHILE DYING AND GIVING BIRTH TO TWINS:

Look here: I have seen people who’ve just given birth. I have BEEN someone who just gave birth, and in my case I fortunately was never in immediate danger of death. Allow me, if you will, to provide a perspective on this in a way that only a certain segment of this fandom can. When I had my first baby, I was so anemic and exhausted after he was born that I A) almost fainted the first time I stood up and had to spend the next hour hoping I wouldn’t puke, and B) every photograph of me from that day looks like the role of me was being played by my actual ghost instead of a living person. Fortunately I did not have to watch myself give birth, but I am pretty sure I did not look this glam while it was happening, either. So I call bullshit on Pretty Padme having TWO BABIES AND ACTIVELY DYING while looking like this. OBI-WAN practically looks like he’s in worse shape than she is, AND HE DIDN’T JUST PUSH A GIANT LIVING PERSON OUT OF A SMALL HOLE IN HIS BODY. I mean, I’m not suggesting he’s had a day at the beach here either, but come on.

Obi-Wan Kenobi, Midwife
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ANYWAYS. I am sorry. I just feel like I needed to speak for all of us who didn’t look photoshoot-ready after giving birth, OK? (Yes, I know those women do exist. Sigh.) So Obi-Wan helps deliver the twins and everything is fine it’s not touching or anything that he’s the first person to hold them and that he smiles at Baby Luke or whatever. NOPE. I’m fine.
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At the same time that all of this is happening, Vader’s getting to the end of this round of Extreme Makeover: Sith Edition. WHY DID THEY HAVE ALL THIS CRAP READY TO GO SO FAST? LOL HE ALREADY HAS AN OUTFIT AND A CAPE. JFC this is RI-DIC-U-LOUS. I love Star Wars so much.

This Is One Of The Best Bits In The Entire Saga, Don’t Argue With Me

The pièce de résistance, of course, is The Mask, which goes on now. This is irrefutably one of the best shots in all of Star Wars. Oh my WORD.
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We get a side-shot of Vader’s head, and the mask slides on, clicks into place and then ALL OF MY LOVE FOREVER TO BEN BURTT OR WHOEVER ADDED the teeeeeeeensy, tiny little mechanical whirr as Vader’s Robo-Suit comes online for the first time. AHHHH. It’s so good.

Padme Amidala, Delivering Babies and Spoilers on Her Way Out The Door
Recurring Theme: Dark Side Bait and Switch
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Padme is fading fast now, and in her last breaths, she weakly tells Obi-Wan that she knows — she knows! — there’s still good in Anakin. Obi-Wan looks destroyed and confused as he helplessly watches her die (you’d think he’d be a pro at that by now,) and Yoda hangs his head in sorrow from the hallway.

Vader’s all set and the mechanics hang a little pine tree air freshener around his neck as he makes his Grand Debut:
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So naturally since all of this *waves hands around* was because of stupid Anakin’s stupid Shirtless Nightmares, the first thing he asks Sidious is if Padme’s OK.
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Sidious, because he is an asshole, tells him that, uh…well, actually? YOU killed her, Vader. Whoopsie daisy! HOW DOES SIDIOUS KNOW SHE’S DEAD. This is a check mark in the “he totally killed her” column if there ever was one.
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Vader completely flips out, breaking from his holds Frankenstein’s Monster-style and yelling while Sidious SMIRKS. Oh my God, this guy. Vader then lets loose with a SPECTACULARLY amazing NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, the likes of which I sincerely doubt anyone will ever be able to top, and I say that in full awareness of every great NOOOOOOOOOO that has come before or since.
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We’ll Leave the Light on For You

Bail, Obi-Wan and Yoda, looking worse for the wear (especially Obi-Wan, who is still wearing clothes with char marks on them, *sob*) try to decide what the hell they are going to do with the twins. They decide that for safety, they should be split up.
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Bail says that he and his wife can take the girl — they’ve always talked about adopting one. She’ll get to live a posh princess life on Alderaan, and grow up to carry on the legacy of her hothead father’s sassy back-talking mouth (and then give birth to Ultimate Evil Round 2, but I am not ready to talk about that yet even a little bit because I am still getting over it and the implications thereof. Oh, Leia. They screwed you over so bad.)
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Obi-Wan asks about the boy. Yoda tells him their best bet is to leave him on Tattooine with Anakin’s stepbrother. I like how they just assume these people who have never met Obi-Wan or Yoda or Bail before will take Luke, and boy do I wish George had shown us how THAT conversation was approached.
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In any case, I feel it’s worth noting that at no point does anyone tell Obi-Wan to stay with Luke – he offers to hermit himself out there in the desert of his own volition. There’s not any explicit reason stated why Obi-Wan needs to go specifically there to hide, or why Luke needs a Jedi Overseer but Leia doesn’t. If anything you’d think they’d want to keep the Jedi that Vader most wants to murder (…) as far away from Luke or Leia as possible, but OK. I mention this all not because I really think it’s a plot hole – I mention it because I think it is incredibly sweet and speaks to how much Obi-Wan is going to throw himself into salvaging whatever he can of Anakin’s and his own legacy. What the two of them did is not going to be worth nothing, and if that means he has to hide out in the fucking desert for two decades fighting people with big sticks and complaining about his back pain, well, no one is ever going to accuse Obi-Wan Kenobi of not being dedicated.

Recurring Theme: An Old Friend Has Learned The Path To Immortality, And He’s Here To Mess With Your Head
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Bail leaves, and Yoda holds Obi-Wan back a moment: he’s got News. Turns out you can come back from the dead! He wasn’t just full of shit back when he went on that insane Force Quest last year! And someone they both know is the one who’s cracked the code. Obi-Wan’s old master…
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I die a little bit each time I see his face light up here. Yoda nods sagely: he will teach Obi-Wan how to commune with Qui-Gon, and then they’ll ALL learn to transcend death and we’ll get to have ourselves the BEST EWOK PARTY EVER in about 25 years!!

Recurring Theme: The Wrap-Up

The next several shots tie up a handful of loose ends, as we first learn that Threepio’s in for a mind-wipe (which Artoo LAUGHS AT and my soul is restored):

…we see Padme’s funeral procession on Naboo, which features some Deeply Sad Choices in Jewelry:

Back at Evil HQ, we see Tarkin, Sidious and Vader — in what is SADLY the only live action shot of all three of them! (WHY WAS SIDIOUS NOT IN ROGUE ONE? Honest to God. I loved the absolute HELL out of that movie, but I will never fully be OK with the lack of Emperor hilarity. How can you deny me, Star Wars?) I love that Tarkin looks at Vader and Sidious and makes a face like “…I’ll leave you two alone…” as he walks away. Anyways, they gaze lovingly out at the skeleton of Death Star I.

On Alderaan, which is seriously gorgeous, Bail delivers Baby Leia to Queen Breha, and John Williams stabs me through the heart with Leia’s Theme:

A Long Time Ago…
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…and finally, on Tatooine, we see a Sad, Broken Man deliver a sweet, sleeping, teeny baby Luke Skywalker to the Lars homestead, into the loving arms of a smiling Beru:

The Force Theme plays, and Obi-Wan watches as Beru, Owen, and Luke pose for a postcard shot of the Twin Suns. The new family stares wistfully out onto the Horizon of Destiny, and my heart explodes and the iris-wipe arrives to save me from myself.
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And that’s it: we’re done! I actually recapped an entire saga movie! (Phew!) Our friends are gonna hunker down into their respective places, and eventually a ragtag team of heroes are going to Sacrifice It All to move everyone into position for the next trilogy. (Oh and somewhere in there Obi-Wan is going to have to fight fucking MAUL AGAIN, because Star Wars hates him.)

In conclusion: I love, LOVE this movie. Maybe you don’t, and you just liked reading some snarky commentary (or who knows? Maybe it did give you something you found to appreciate about it, even if it’s just that you’re happy that *I* like it so much. A girl can dream.) And…maybe you don’t hate this movie. Maybe you love it, too. If you do, I hope coming along for this Journey of Drama and Pain made you feel more understood. Come back and scream with me about it all any time — and thanks for reading!