TCW, Season 5, Episode 1: A Pirate’s Life for Maul

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The Clone Wars, Season 5, Episode 1: Revival

It’s a Clone Wars kind of day here at Snark Wars, and oh BOY does this episode deliver in so many ways. It’s got a lot to offer: sass and pirates and Robo-Maul and some of Obi-Wan Kenobi’s Fanciest Footwork ever. I’m excited!

Our pal Voiceover Recap Guy kicks things off lightheartedly by yelling “DEATH AND DESTRUCTION!” at us. Yes, Goddamn Maul and his brother Savage are wreaking havoc near and far and are en route to the Outer Rim. Word’s been getting around the galaxy that they’ve been on a murder (and other crime) spree lately. Whatever will they get up to next?

Recurring Theme: The Eternal Obe-Session
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The episode gets moving with a bunch of security droids at a space station getting their butts thoroughly kicked by the Murder Brothers:
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Savage heads over to a vault, and is delighted at what he’s found: they’re in the money!
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I laugh for several years, because despite having just violenced his way into vast riches, Maul’s got only one thing on his mind. Can you possibly GUESS what it could be?!
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Hahahahaha. Oh, Maul’s life was a very sad and violent one, overall, but I guess I’m glad he eventually died in the arms of literally the only person he ever thought about, ever.

Furthermore, Maul notes, even with all this scratch, they still need a survival plan. The Jedi, those attractive and brave and very nerdy bastards, are after them!

Savage isn’t too worried: he figures they’ll just kick the Jedi’s asses when the time comes, but Maul counters that there are too many of them.

Recurring Theme: The Sith Have a Very Short Org Chart

Savage offers to Maul that there need not be any animosity between the two of them: they can be equals and share their strength! Aww. Poor Savage, he didn’t read the “About Us” section of the Sith’s website before he took this job, did he?

Maul is like “nah, we’re not gonna be doing that”:

Savage figures this means it’s Throwdown Time, but gets his ass handed to him swiftly:

Savage marvels that Maul’s gotten so powerful! LOL, you’re right, Savage: and also he’s gotten taller and about 6000% more hilarious, too, buddy. Maul informs Savage that he’ll “complete his training” — with Maul as his Master. OK: every single goddamn person in this entire universe — STILL, NOW, EVEN IN THE SEQUELS — is CONSTANTLY saying this. Has ANYONE ever actually finished training? What happens in a Sith Situation when the apprentice actually does finish their training? If there can only be one Master and one Apprentice, why the fuck would a Sith EVER fully finish training their second in command? You’d think they’d just conveniently never get around to it.

Aaaaand I’ve officially put too much thought into that, so let’s move on.  As the scene ends, Savage looks chastened.
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Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Underpaid Employee

Oh, WHAT A SURPRISE: guess who’s on Maul’s trail? Poor Obi-Wan. I know there was some kind of discussion about why It Had To Be Him Who Goes After Maul in one of the other Welcome Back, Maul episodes, but still. The Jedi really had no one else they could assign to this? Obi-Wan couldn’t have pitched in anywhere else right now? Sigh. OK.

Obes and Adi Gallia are headed towards where the last Maul Attack happened, and Obi-Wan’s spidey senses are tingling:

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They get a tour of the carnage left behind by the brothers, and this dude explains that wherever they are now, they are flush with cash. I am including the following screen shots because I managed to catch our friend Obi-Wan looking directly at me, pleading with me to not make him go through yet another Maul Recap:

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I’M SORRY OBI-WAN. I really am. Please don’t be mad at me. In contrition, I promise to talk about how handsome and brave you are for the entire rest of this entry and any other entry you ever appear in. (Also, I am dying at the dude describing Maul and Savage as “crabby”. THAT IS PUTTING IT VERY MILDLY.)

Obi-Wan, posing handsomely for absolutely no reason aside from the fact that Star Wars loves me, asks to confirm that they were alone:
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The guy is like “Yeah — and by the way, what were they? They had red lightsabers…”:
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Obi-Wan quickly tells him they’re not Jedi. Hahahahaha, right, DON’T BE SILLY, no Jedi ever go rogue and end up with red lightsabers ha ha ha ha ha OH GOD THE PAIN.

Recurring Theme: Avast, Ye Mateys!

The guy tells them that one of the droids that survived the attack said they heard the brothers mention something about where they might be headed next: something…
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Adi asks Obi-Wan: you know what’s over there? Obi-Wan replies that Florrum is located in that sector. Oh, Florrum? What can they expect to find there?
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Oh yes, my friends: it’s true. There will be some absolutely superb Hondo Content in this one. (Watch your wallets.)

The Jedi Order Really Needs a PR Firm

Sure enough, the shuttle Maul and Savage stole is headed for Florrum. Some pirates pick up on their ship’s presence, and ascertain that it’s in rough shape.

The pirates are quite pleased about this, and decide:

So they board the ship, and find a whoooole bunch of arms and spice and are like JACKPOT:

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Right, because you guys weren’t already planning on that.

Just then, Maul and Savage, posing dramatically, appear. I love how everyone in Star Wars is dramatic as hell, but no one is even close to giving the Force users a run for their money. It’s like midi-chlorians are attracted to cliffs with stiff breezes and prefer theatrical lighting and music.

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*cue the choir*

One of the pirates gasps: it’s a Jedi attack! MAN: the Jedi Order needs to GET ON THIS. This isn’t even the first time someone’s mistaken a Sith who’s about to kill everybody for one of them. I know they’re trying to keep that whole “the Sith are back” thing on the down-low, but I feel like this isn’t going to help their cause in the long run. (Spoiler alert: I am right.)

Recurring Theme: Hondo Ohnaka, A Goddamn Delight

Maul offers the pirates an ultimatum: join up with him, and he’ll cut them in on their serious cash and also as a bonus, he and Savage won’t murder them.

The pirates are mostly pretty game for this, but are wondering what sort of Jedi these guys are, since usually the Jedi are more focused on law and order and moderate to severe property destruction as opposed to murder and mayhem. Maul gives this entertaining reply:

Eventually the pirates, convinced that Maul can offer them a better deal than Hondo, agree to fall in with him. Except for one, who hedges a little bit. He wants to see what Hondo’s gonna say about this!

So Maul gets on the holo-Skype with Hondo, who’s back at his pirate base. Maul informs him that three of his lieutenants have allied themselves with him. Hondo gets right down to reminding us all that pretty much everything in Star Wars is funnier when he’s there by announcing that they’re traitors! Scum! And he’s so PROUD (LOL!)…
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Maul then rewards the pirate that was unsure of his compliance by giving him The Maul Treatment:
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I love that Hondo is like “OH SHIT, I thought we were just doing the Funny Banter Part! JFC!” as he gapes at all of this.

Hondo then earns my eternal affection by being like LOOK PAL, THIS AIN’T MY FIRST INSANE FORCE-USER RODEO, MMKAY?

Ha! The ARM GESTURES. He is a treasure.

Recurring Theme: Hondo and Obi-Wan, BFFs

Oh, Hondo gets some great lines in this episode. OK, so Obi-Wan and Adi Gallia are arriving on Florrum now, and Obi-Wan takes note of the scene below:
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Obi-Wan hems and haws: he doesn’t think Hondo’s likely to ally himself with the Murder Brothers. Adi is like Oh? You know this Hondo Ohnaka guy?
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Hahahaha. Oh WHATEVER Obi-Wan, as usual I know your secret fondness for everyone you claim to be annoyed with. I am POSITIVE you accepted Hondo’s friend request on Facebook.

Back on the planet surface, Hondo is informed that Obes is calling for him on the holo-Skype now:

I do try not to just throw endless screenshots at you guys when I write these things, but sometimes a conversation MUST BE SHOWN IN FULL, and this is one of those times:

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HAHAHAHA. There is literally nothing about this I don’t love. NOTHING. Especially the end:
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HORNY-HEADED MANIACS. I’ve said it before, I will say it again: Hondo would be great at writing for this website. He continues:
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…oh, right, because there’s such a thing as a normal Jedi.

Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Doesn’t Even Know The Half of It Yet

Obi-Wan tells Hondo that they’re not Jedi, they’re Sith: and he can tell from his vantage point on the ship that they’re heading in Hondo’s direction with some of Hondo’s men.

Hondo is like WELL? YOU GONNA SAVE ME, YOU SWOOSHY-HAIRED SUPERHERO?
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Obi-Wan tells him that they can’t do anything about Hondo’s men…
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And after he says this, Obi-Wan briefly makes a pissed-off little sass face because GOD those fucking Sith have been SUCH A PAIN IN HIS ASS, and I’m just like…my poor baby. He doesn’t have ANY IDEA how much more of this Sith bullshit he has left to deal with.

Hondo’s like “Fine, deal: I’ll deal with my men…”
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I’m not even a little bit joking: I want Hondo, old as dirt, to show up in the sequel trilogy. I bet he and Maz would have a ball.

The holo-Skype call concludes, and Hondo watches as the traitors approach. He declares them no longer his men, and a pirate battle ensues.

Just Another Day in the GFFA
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Meanwhile, Maul and Savage take note that the Jedi are here. Maul whines that it’s too soon because his PLAN’s not FINISHED yet damn it!

Obes and Adi Gallia approach them, and naturally without hesitation Obi-Wan deems it necessary to make a snarky comment at a dude who’s trying to kill him:

The four of them get into a fight, and for real, people: just…the Jedi and the Sith are supposed to have been around to varying degrees for like, forever. I am dying that “oh yeah that’s just the light wizards and the dark wizards fighting each other with glow sticks again, pay them no mind” is practically routine for this galaxy. In the Old Republic, weren’t there supposed to be a whole bunch of Sith crawling around at one point? Were these types of fights just breaking out all over the galaxy for centuries?
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Recurring Theme: Another Thing For Obi-Wan To Discuss With His Therapist

This fight goes on and on…

…and eventually Savage kills Adi Gallia, because Obi-Wan needed to be present for yet another Jedi’s death, and how nice that it was at the hands of a guy who might not have even been there if fucking Maul hadn’t survived. OBI-WAN WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH YOUR LIFE.

So then Obi-Wan has to fight both of the Evil Brothers, and he’s kiiiinda getting his ass kicked, as are Hondo and his pirate pals. Hondo yells over to Obi-Wan to run over to him, and Obi-Wan FLINGS himself in that direction via a HUGE Force Jump. I love when he’s extra superhero-y. He’s amazing. And also he’s really handsome. (See Obes? I told you I would make it up to you.)

Obi-Wan gets inside the structure Hondo had been calling him to, where he finds a small group of pirates:

Hondo asks him where the other Jedi is, and my heart breaks for my little ginger space peanut:

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HUGS FOR OBI-WAN 2KINFINITY

I’ve Gotta Use This Line Myself

Hondo is incensed: they were too powerful for YOU GUYS?
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Ha! I know the feeling, Hondo.

Obi-Wan starts heading down the hallway, and explains that he’ll be the bait to lure the Sith away from them:
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LOOK HOW SAD HIS POSTURE IS. I’ve seen that look before a time or two:

Oh my God, I hate Star Wars. WHY.

Hondo is like WELL IF YOU INSIST:
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Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Fucking Glorious Space Wizard

So the traitor pirates chase Hondo and co down one part of the hallway, eventually getting cornered and, per Hondo’s plan, end up staring down the end of a cannon.
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Maul and Savage, of course, can’t help but chase after Obi-Wan, who heads in a different direction. Once they come to a dead end, Maul offers up an option:
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And Obi-Wan? GOD, he’s AMAZING:
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And THEN he ignites Adi Gallia’s lightsaber, too, and that means it’s Duel-Wielding Kenobi Time! One of my favorite Kenobi Flavors.

But first: Hondo informs his former men that Maul and Savage aren’t interested in helping them — they’re only interested in the only thing ANYONE but especially Maul (and Anakin) is interested in in this galaxy:

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I know the feeling.

And seriously: HOLY. BALLS. You guys. YOU GUYS. Obi-Wan is just…incredible here. He’s flipping around and kicking and making that angry little muffin face he makes when someone’s REALLY pissing him off and it’s just…it’s a thing of beauty. BEAUTY I SAY.

Recurring Theme: Hondo Ohnaka, Party Host

So the dudes that betrayed Hondo now beg him to take them back and also not kill them, and Hondo is like WHO ME? KILL YOU?
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In fact, he’s feeling…celebratory. And that ship that Maul and Savage showed up in is FULL of awesome shit — let’s go!

Recurring Theme: Separation of Arm and Owner

Ladies and gentlemen, I have written…so many recaps. So, so many. And I have covered so, so many dismemberments. And this is at least the fourth time I’ve covered one that involves Obi-Wan.

Obi-Wan, still just being an absolute sight to behold here, ends up hacking off one of Savage’s arms at one point. Maul, pissed, comes at him and I swear to you, Obi-Wan crouches down and makes this face like YEAH YOU WANT SOME OF THAT TOO BUDDY? AGAIN????! and I’m just…why did I wait so long to cover this episode. I want an oil painting of Obi-Wan from these scenes to hang over my fireplace.

Obes gets chucked into a wall after this, and before he can collect himself, Maul grabs Savage and is like “let’s get the hell out of here”:

Recurring Theme: Your Author’s Continuing Love Affair With Star Wars Dialogue

Maul and Savage bust out of the Pirate Bunker, and from the opposite direction come Hondo and his newly-reestablished crew.

Maul announces to the men that it’s time to head out, and Hondo is like HA HA, NOT SO FAST: they’re not going anywhere with you. And then he rubs some salt in the wound by being pointing out that these two aren’t so great — look at them! They’re running away from Kenobi! Um, I know what Hondo’s doing here and all, but also? If you’d seen him in that last scene you’d understand why.

Maul throws back a wonderfully-villainous Star Wars Bad Guy Line:
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And, in response, Hondo volleys back with this gem:
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I want to enjoy life even half as much as Hondo does. He gives his men the green light: Open Fire!

The brothers tear off under a barrage of blaster fire, and Maul gets one of his robo-legs damaged, causing the two Sith to limp together towards their shuttle.

Recurring Theme: No One’s Ever Really Gone

The shuttle gets damaged as Maul and Savage flee the planet surface, and on board, Maul tells Savage they need to get to the escape pod, which they do:

Hondo, Obi-Wan, and the rest of the pirates watch the rest of the ship crash in a giant fiery explosion. Hondo, delighted, proposes that he and Obes go check it out:
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Hondo and Obi-Wan: A Summary

It should be noted that despite his attempts to appear Fully Annoyed by all of this, Obi-Wan can’t help himself as he agrees to go check things out, allowing a small smile to sneak out:
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When they arrive to the wreckage, though, one of the men notes that he doesn’t see any sign of the Sith. Hondo’s like HEY NICE, looks like that takes care of those dudes for ya, eh Kenobes?
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Obi-Wan, speaking directly to me while I laugh, is like EHHH I WOULDN’T BET ON IT:
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Hondo is like “cool story bro”:
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I am dying that Obi-Wan dropped this bit of backstory on him, and Hondo doesn’t even seem REMOTELY interested in this story. I know he’s distracted by the jackpot that has fallen into his lap right now, but WHAT THINGS HAS HONDO SEEN IN HIS DAYS THAT THIS INFORMATION WOULDN’T WARRANT A FOLLOW UP QUESTION? “Oh, you cut a guy in half and he lived? Neat! What’s for dinner?” God, I love Hondo.

Recurring Theme: Nothing To See Here

Obi-Wan’s back on Coruscant now, sitting in Chancellor Palpatine’s Den Of Poorly-Cloaked Evil with Yoda, Mace, and Anakin, and wouldn’t you know? Palps is like “HUH WELL GOOD THING THE SITH ARE GONE FOREVER NOW and we NEVER need to go look for them EVER AGAIN”:

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Obi-Wan, sitting weirdly far away from Anakin on a giant sofa, is Oh So Tired and also Not In Agreement here:

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*pets his hair* LET HIM REST.

He explains: you can’t just assume they’re dead! The one thing he’s learned in his whole terrible, sad, traumatic life…

Ain’t THAT the truth.

Sidious, the worst, is like “I get that you feel that way or whatever? But this is your PERSONAL problem, not the Republic’s”.

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LOL. WHAT. Yeah, sure, a dude who’s been on a killing spree across the galaxy and robbing people and tried to build a pirate army and has killed at least two Jedi (who, you know, work for the Republic) is MIA and based on all evidence up to this point is almost DEFINITELY still alive but, eh, why would we go look for THAT guy? Seems like a waste of time, maybe Obi-Wan should just go on a long vacation and leave Anakin in Sheev’s custody or whatever.

Obi-Wan sits there with his arms crossed, clearly disliking this guy so much and I just wanna grab him by the shoulders and be like YOU BEAUTIFUL DOPE I AM SO SORRY EVERYONE IS SO STUPID IN THIS GALAXY. He persists:
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Palpatine, totally for normal reasons that have nothing to do with him having any sort of Dark Secret or anything, is like “so what?”:

Man, you know you’re acting suspicious when even ANAKIN seems put off by you. Too bad it’s not going to make a difference! Ha ha ha I’m fine.

It’s Only a Matter of Time

Sidious then retreats to his inner evil sanctum, and the Jedi stand around for a post-conference review. Obi-Wan is like but but but the criminal underworld really IS flourishing! And Maul is really bad and DEFINITELY NOT DEAD.

Yoda nods and is like “well, peanut, you might be right, but the President of the Universe says we can’t. Also? This IS personal for you…”

I mean, I guess he’s not wrong. You murder someone’s dad in front of their face, they’re probably gonna remember that and maybe harbor some residual bad feelings about it, no matter how many hours of meditating to New Age music and sass-flirting with the galaxy they do.

Yoda tells him that if Maul’s still out there, eventually he’s gonna turn up again, like black mold or bedbugs or giant hogweed. And just…Maul is going to be alive FOR ANOTHER QUARTER-CENTURY after this, you guys. God. I cannot believe Lucas brought him back. IT IS THE FUNNIEST THING and it’s such a testament to his work and the quality of this show and my own deep love for this craziness that I don’t even really think about how RIDICULOUSLY SILLY this is anymore.

SO! With that, the Jedi huddle breaks, and just…before we go, please look at how ANGRY Anakin is:
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What is he even so mad about? Is he upset because they won’t just give him free reign to go chop Maul into a thousand tiny pieces because he made Obi-Wan sad all those times? Is he pissed off that this meeting required him to miss one of his soap operas? Or is Anakin just having another one of his passing Dark Side Attacks? Who can say. It is most likely a combination of all three. I love that Mace is staring at him all “I’m ONTO YOU, Skywalker”.

As the gang takes their leave, the camera zooms in on the guy seated at his desk in the background. And OH look what FUN this evil bastard is having:
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It is then that the iris-wipe sweeps us out of this episode. Well! I sure am glad that that’s the end of Maul’s reign of terror. It’s not like the next time we run into him he’s going to be allied with the goddamn Death Watch or anything. Why, then I’d start to suspect that the writers had it in for Obi-Wan or something!

Thanks for joining me for this edition of Snark Wars, dear readers! See you next time!