Star Wars #6 (Marvel, 2015)
Oh, what a joy this issue was! You know, I’m all in favor of finding harmless happiness where you can get it, even when you are an adult woman who should probably not be deriving this much joy from a Space Wizard comic book. No matter: Star Wars once again delivered and I’m not going to apologize for smiling at it.
When we last checked in with our friends in Marvel’s Star Wars series, Han and Leia had won the Original Trilogy Era’s Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker Most Annoying Couple Award after spending the Star Wars equivalent of an entire car ride obnoxiously needling each other because they want to make out. Or maybe murder each other. Honestly, we all know in this universe it can always go either way.
Meanwhile, Boba Fett had gotten down to business checking out this Death-Star-destroying kid that Vader had sent him to look into. Theoretically, it’s because Vader has Suspicions and thinks this kid could be useful to him, but in reality we all know it’s because he’s jealous that Obi-Wan apparently made at least one friend that wasn’t him while in exile (something he is probably especially vexed about since Vader has surely made zero new friends since Revenge of the Sith and is always lonely). (Yes, I made myself feel sad, too.) We capped all of this off with Luke rifling through Obi-Wan’s old house and belongings, essentially because he Felt Lost and like He Wasn’t The Jedi He Should Be and he figured that stealing a dead man’s stuff might hold the key to helping him learn more about the Force or whatever.
…and so it did! Among the rubble at Obi-Wan’s house, Luke had found a box that Obi-Wan had been keeping, labeled “FOR LUKE”. Luke will soon discover that it contains a journal, filled with stories about all those times Obi-Wan spied on Luke as a child and the many various and sundry ways he felt sad about Anakin, or about shit that Anakin did, during his years as a hermit. I sincerely love that Obi-Wan left Luke a journal detailing the emotional pain that he went through, like, way to subtly throw one final FUCK YOU LOOK WHAT I WENT THROUGH FOR YOU PEOPLE to the Skywalker clan on your way out the door, Kenobes. I see you.
JUST as Luke had uncovered this box, however, Boba Fett had arrived on the scene, looking to take Luke into custody. And that’s where we pick things up in today’s issue — an issue where Han Solo gets a Dramatic Backstory Reveal AND gets wine thrown in his face (for real), Leia is angry and stays angry (what an icon), Luke gets Force-ified and hurls some Kenobi Sads at me, and Vader? Well, this issue’s a really significant one for our wayward doofus friend Anakin Skywalker, even though the only thing Boba Fett delivers to him…is a name. Join me, won’t you?
Star Wars: An Appreciation
Boba kicks things off by trying to snare Luke, and Luke springs into action with his lightsaber, and the two get into a full-fledged fight. It is at this time that I would like to take a moment for all of us to really let the actual STORY OF STAR WARS sink in a bit.
What we have here is Boba Fett, who is genetically identical to our friends the Clonetroopers, fighting Luke Skywalker, the secret son of a guy the Clones fought alongside during (and, uh, after) the war. Like, I just can’t get over that this guy is basically Rex’s BROTHER, and Luke’s Anakin’s kid, and this guy was sent BY ANAKIN to go find Luke at the house that Obi-Wan — another guy that the Clones worked closely with but then tried to murder later — lived in after he went into exile. On the planet where Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon once crash-landed with a Gungan and a Teenage Warrior Queen, and then discovered the pint-sized One Jedi To Rule Them All, who then BECAME DARTH VADER after KNOCKING UP THE AFOREMENTIONED WARRIOR QUEEN WITH TWINS. One of whom, again, is fighting Boba Fett right now.
I…love this. I love alllllll this goofy folding-in-on-itself, everything-is-connected, the-universe-really-only-involves-twelve-or-so-people thing Star Wars has going on.
Also worth appreciating: in order to not complicate things by having to explain why Luke seems utterly underwhelmed with re-encountering Boba Fett LATER in the saga, they wrote in Boba throwing a flash grenade, which leaves Luke blind for this entire fight. LOL. Boba uses this as a reason to try and get him to just give up: you can’t fight without sight! What do you think you are, some kind of Jedi?
Luke retorts: NO, but I knew a Jedi one time! And he was THE BEST PERSON WHO HAS EVER LIVED AND YOU SHOULD GET THE FUCK OUTTA HIS HOUSE RIGHT NOW, OK PAL?? I am a SKYWALKER and no one is allowed to be near any of Obi-Wan’s stuff but ME!
So, while these two keep fighting, we cut to the Solos, who are on a bitching-filled field trip.
Han Solo, Own Biggest Fan
Han and Leia are on the surface of this planet (or whatever the hell it is) they crash-landed onto last time, and Leia remarks that it’s much prettier than she expected it to be. Ooooooooh waterfalls and grass and they’re like pretty much on a real Star Wars Date now, guys! (Hopefully no one will ruin the mood this time by blathering on about how maybe what this galaxy really needs is a totalitarian regime, ANAKIN.) Han is helpfully providing Leia with endless ammunition against him by talking himself up and making that Smug Asshole Face that he makes all the damn time as he explains how he managed to find this place as Leia breaks the fourth wall to beg us all to come save her:
Leia begins to think aloud: this place would be a good base for the Rebellion! As they make their way into this cave sort of thing, she asks Han if anyone else knows about it, setting him up for this ridiculous moment where he pulls out a bottle of wine he had stashed away:
REALLY, SOLO? Really. Oh my God.
Sana Starros, On The Trail
Above the planet, the Imperials are telling themselves that Han and Leia must be dead so whatever it’s not a big deal that they can’t cross through to the surface of the planet and let’s not bother checking into this further, just like the Empire tells itself about ANYTHING they don’t feel like following up on. Also in this Greatest Hits Collection:
- Surely Obi-Wan Kenobi Must Be Dead By Now Based On No Actual Evidence To Suggest This –Also The Last Time He Saw Darth Vader He Completely Handed Him His Own Ass But Why Even Really Make a Major Effort To Track Him Down
- Oh Hey That Escape Pod Is Mysteriously Fleeing But No Big I’m Sure There’s Nothing Important Going On Since There’s No Lifeforms On Board Even Though Droids Are Constantly Helping to Foil Our Plans
As they’re talking back and forth about why they don’t need to do real work, a ship cuts in and they demand identification:
DUN DUN DUUUUUN!
Recurring Theme: Luke Skywalker, Kenobi Fanboy
Luke is struggling in his fight with Boba, who goads him to just give up already! Luke summons his strength and says that Ben wouldn’t just give up! And really, Luke does not even know ONE-EIGHTEENTH OF HOW TRUE THIS IS.
Boba taunts him: Kenobi is dead, you stupid farmboy! He can’t help you now! Luke is like “Here, Lady Who Writes Snark Wars: you seem like you’d appreciate this bit of my Skywalker-Mandatory Kenobi Love”:
Oh LUKE. You are one of my favorites, and your eternal hero worship of Obi-Wan (even when you’re ANGRY at the guy,) is not hurting things.
Boba continues to kick his ass, but Luke summons The Powah of the Light Side and, muttering to himself the words that Obi-Wan told him about “feeling the Force flow through you, and also if you ever see Darth Vader again tell him I still have the high ground he’ll know what it means and it’ll be hilarious”, he manages to block some blaster fire heading towards him:
Boba Fett, The Best Bounty Hunter In The Galaxy According To One Guy Who Is Always Confused About Everything and Known For Making Horrible Choices But OK Star Wars Whatever You Say
Luke’s little Force Move here causes both of them to get flung around the room, and in the midst of the chaos, Obi-Wan’s Box o’ Force gets tossed around, too. The fight intensifies as both Luke and Boba reach for Luke’s lightsaber, and eventually Luke ends up pinned down and inches away from getting his own saber sliced through his face. Artoo, caught up in the mess, takes note of The Mystery Box, and it appears to be…moving?
…and then all of sudden the box goes FLYING across the room and whacks Boba upside the head, and knocks him completely unconscious:
Luke, still barely able to see, is like WHAT THE FORCE-FILLED FUCK WAS THAT??! as he reaches for whatever is next to him…
He stumbles to his feet with Artoo’s help (awww), and is like WELP OK that was Weird, but let’s get the HELL outta here while we can and we’ll figure all of this out later. He grabs the box and the two of them head out, leaving Boba to awaken to yet another job he botched. Just sayin’.
Ah, Sweet Star Wars Romance
Back on Planet Whatever, Leia is as charmed as ever by her One True Love Han Solo:
She goes stomping off and Han, convincing absolutely no one, complains in her wake that OF COURSE he wasn’t hitting on her how DARE she, he wouldn’t ever be interested in her in That Way Eww GROSS! She then throws back at him that it’s HIS cowardice that ended them up here in the FIRST place and just as they’re about to keep on arguing for the rest of eternity, a ship appears — but it’s not one of the TIE fighters that was chasing them before. And Han? Is like OH SHIT WE NEED TO RUN:
Sana Starros, Making an Entrance
Leia is like WHAT WHY WHO HOW, trying to figure out what exactly is after them NOW, when this mysterious ship lands and a woman appears — one who has apparently read the Star Wars Handbook on Making Your Grand Entrance:
I repeat: DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUN! Uh oh! This sure seems like some more fun for our friend Han. Leia looks aghast at this bit of Hot Solo Gossip, and Han looks like he maybe wishes Greedo hadn’t missed and/or been shot first.
By The Time You Read This Your Dad Will Have Finally Finished The Job of Killing Me
Luke is back on his X-wing now, and his vision is back. He tells Artoo to get them ready to get out of there because being around this much sand is upsetting him. Noting that it looks like they got what they came here for, he holds up his new reading material:
Obi-Wan Never Told You What Happened To Your Son
Boba Fett, evidently having recovered from his concussion enough to pilot himself off of Tatooine, heads to an Imperial Star Destroyer to meet up with Vader and give him the bad and life-altering news.
He tells Vader, bluntly, that he lost the kid. Vader says this is “disappointing”, and Boba waves it off as Luke having just gotten “lucky”. Is there a reason why Vader is not kicking this guy’s ass for failing him? He does that to everyone else in the Empire when like, someone messes up the morning COFFEE ORDER, for God’s sake. And here he sends Boba Fett on what will turn out to be one of the more significant assignments Vader’s ever sent anyone on, and he blows it almost completely, and Vader is like “Oh. Bummer.”???? WHY?
Vader’s like “OK, so you fucked it up. Did you bring me ANYTHING I might care about, or did you just drop by to tell me you suck at your job?” Fett says flatly: not much. Just this kid’s name.
Vader does not move or say ANYTHING. He just stands there like a complete weirdo, facing away from Fett. Eventually Boba, either because he’s bored or scared or just tired of being on his feet after the Force hurled that box filled with Obi-Wan’s Ghost at his head a few hours ago, is like “…k, well, I’m just gonna…go…now. Bye.” Vader says nothing as he leaves, and continues to do so for a bit:
IMAGINE THE THINGS GOING THROUGH THIS IDIOT’S HEAD RIGHT NOW.
- So Obi-Wan really did go to Tatooine
- I hate Tatooine
- I hate it more now because of this
- That kid was also there
- He was there because he is MY KID OMFG MY KID WAS ALIVE THIS WHOLE TIME AND OBI-WAN HAD HIM AND KNEW WHERE HE WAS
- OBI-WAN DIDN’T EVEN CHANGE THE KID’S FRICKING NAME HOW STUPID AM I JFC
Vader is…let’s say “angry” about this. “Angry” seems like a fair description. He does a Patented Vader Fist-Clench and then does that thing where his own rage makes stuff shatter:
Um…dude? You are on a spaceship. It’s probably in your best interest to not shatter the glass of the window of a spaceship. I mean, I know you kind of have a death wish anyways, but still. Think it through, OK?
So on this Very Special Cliffhanger note, the issue concludes. How will Leia inflict pain on Han for hiding his Potentially Super Secret Past? How many Shirtless Nightmares is Vader going to have about all the Father’s Days he’s missed now that he knows The (Partial) Truth? How far into Obi-Wan’s diary is Luke going to get before he is too depressed to continue reading? We’ll just have to find out another day! Thanks for joining me, and I’ll see you next time!
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Han and Leia bitch at each other so much that it puts Obi-Wan and Anakin to shame; Luke is so intent on his Personal Destiny Quest that he’s even willing to be exposed to sand.
Vader gets his marching orders; Leia gets the bad news; Luke’s off to meet his destiny for like the 12th time this year alone.
Obi-Wan receives Inside Information; Sidious has yet another great day at the office; Anakin eats some berries and complains a lot.