Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, Part III: Set Your Weapons to Pun

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (Part III)

With my latest saga movie recaps done, and me again swearing off trying to do multiple movie recaps at once (until the next time I inevitably do it anyways,) it is time once again to revisit Rogue One, the happy, sunny, lighthearted story of How The Death Star Plans Were Won.

Previously, unhappy camper Jyn Erso and her Rebellion-approved babysitter Cassian Andor and his Robot Who Gives No Fucks K-2SO had arrived on Jedha, an imperial-occupied moon that used to be a Jedi Order Regional Distribution Center. Sadly, however, since the end of the Crazy Clone Wars it’s been stripped of its kyber crystal stockpile (and, I suppose, probably about 650,000 spare gigantic robes) by the Evil Empire, who are using said crystals to build the first in the long line of Ridiculous Superweapons of Star Wars. (Now that I’m thinking about it, it’s not only possible, but probable, that Death Star I wasn’t the first superweapon in Star Wars, given that they’ve averaged out to about one every decade in the original trilogy and beyond. And now all I want for nerd Christmas is a TV series where the Olde Republic Jedi Order foil the Sithly Superweapon of the Week in every episode.)

Once on Jedha, they’d connected up with Mr. and Mr. Imwe-Malbus, two Guardians of the Whills who don’t have much to do other than lovingly bicker with each other now that their temple’s been raided and ruined. The group of them ended up over at Saw Gerrera’s House of Instability, which incidentally is also where Bodhi Rook, Cargo Pilot and Recent Escapee from the Sheevangelical Church, is being held prisoner and also got his brain scrambled by a giant space monster that Saw keeps on hand here for some reason. (I know I’ve said this before, but trying to explain what happened in even one 20-minute segment of any of these movies in just a few sentences almost always makes me laugh out loud.)

At the close of the last recap, Jyn had reunited with Saw, who’d raised her for part of her life before leaving her on her own when he’d deemed it too dangerous to the Cause to keep her around. He’d been unsure about why she was showing up here (and also Saw is, uh, not exactly in the best place mindwise by this point in our Star Wars Journey,) but ultimately decided that he wanted her to see something that maybe will make her de-sour on this whole Rebellion thing.

Also, I don’t want to oversell it or anything, but before this recap is out we’ll have covered a few of the best, funniest, most ridiculous minutes of Star Wars Content that have ever existed. Not to, like, make a big deal about it or anything though. Right — here we go!

Recurring Theme: Orson Krennic, Can’t Get No Respect

We begin by returning to Bad Guy HQ, where we see the Death Star floating ominously (how else would it, really?) over Jedha while Tarkin and Krennic have a quick chat. Tarkin informs Krennic that the Emperor is anxiously awaiting his report about all of this, and I laugh and laugh picturing the PowerPoint slide deck or dashboard report that’s going over to that asshole’s ridiculous throne room about all this.


Krennic, looking a little put out, is like “you know, this whole Death Star project is a pretty big fucking deal, you’d think that Vader and Sheev could have dragged themselves over here for this.” Aww, don’t take it personally, Krennic: I have a feeling Anakin skips as many Imperial meetings as he did Jedi Order meetings.

Amusingly, Tarkin is like “nah, I didn’t even include them on the meeting invite, just in case you fuck up this whole demo today”, and Krennic shoots back that that wasn’t necessary, and Tarkin is like OH IF ONLY:


So…these guys definitely had a whirlwind romance and bad breakup, yes? This is why you don’t mix romance and the workplace, guys!

The (Slightly Less) Death Star

Krennic gets all pouty and I can’t stop myself from cracking up at his COSTUME HERE GOD BLESS STAR WARS SERIOUSLY and announces that Empire’s fully cleared out of Jedha now and he could TOTALLY BLOW THIS MOON TO SMITHEREENS RIGHT NOW LOOK LOOK MY GUN IS THE BIGGEST ONE.

Tarkin is like “whoooooa-kay there, buddy, no need to go Full Alderaan here: we just need to sort of dip our toe in the Needless Cruel Destruction of Life waters here.”:

Krennic pouts some more and is like FINE, and starts yelling out a bunch of orders while the room full of Very Modern Technology Yes Indeed lights up:

Take Me To The Pilot

Back in Saw Jail, Chirrut inquires about who’s in the cell next to them. Baze goes and takes a look and sees Bodhi and, recognizing him as an Imperial pilot, flips the fuck out and is like LEMME AT HIM I’LL KILL HIM. So, were the Guardians of the Whills where you landed if you went to Jedi school but were slightly too hot-headed? Maybe Anakin should have been sent over there. He and Baze could have bonded about how mad they get when anyone threatens their Force husbands, for one thing.

ANYWAYS. Cassian is like PILOT?!!!!! and shoves Baze out of the way:


Bodhi, still kinda out of it what with the fact that a tentacled monster maybe ate part of his brain a half-hour ago, is like “…huh?”:


Cassian tries to get him talking by being like PSSST HEY I’m hip to the whole Galen Erso scene. You dig? With that, Bodhi is sort of coming to…


…as the Bad Guys press a few more buttons:

Recurring Theme: If You’re Watching This, Get Ready to Feel Sad

Back with Jyn, Saw is pressing buttons himself:

Oh good: a well-timed holo-message from someone that’s just going to make us all feel things again. (See also: “Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi” from A New Hope, Obi-Wan’s “Everyone Just Stay The Fuck Away from the Jedi Temple for the Next Couple of Decades Trust Me On This One” from Star Wars: Rebels, “Help Me Obi-Wan Kenobi (Reprise)” from The Last Jedi, and Bail Organa’s “Just In Case I Die Before We Get a Chance To Cover This, You Should Probably Know Your Biological Father Was Darth Vader” from Bloodline, among others.)

So, as the Death Star gears up for its first big ka-boom, a message from Galen Erso plays, telling Saw that he wants to explain himself, and that he has Emotional Things to Say to Jyn if she’s ever found:

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At least 80% of everything that happens in Star Wars is driven by someone’s need for Revenge, and I love how often it’s the sort of thing where one guy’s plan stretches out for DECADES.

Recurring Theme: Star Wars, Home of the Most Convenient Timing Ever

Galen warns them that the day is coming when the Death Star’s going to be “unleashed”, and so of course naturally AS he says this in the recording, the Death Star is, in fact, unleashed:

Galen dumps some more Feelings on Jyn…

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…and then directs a message to Saw: the Fatal Flaw he’s placed in the Death Star as his final fuck-you to Krennic is in the reactor. If they know of any poncho-wearing farmboy doofuses with an impressive piloting pedigree and a half-day of Jedi training who can make a one-in-a-million-shot, the whole station will be destroyed. The key is that they’ve gotta get the blueprints for the Death Star so that they know where to aim — and that’s gonna be found at the Citadel tower in Scarif, which is apparently the only data center the Empire has and also there’s zero online access to these files so evidently the Rebellion can’t just hack (sorry, “slice”, LOL) into this info remotely or anything (OK, fine, maybe this isn’t the case, but tell me you don’t think it’s at least likely that things in Star Wars really would be this stupid.)

As his message wraps up, the sound and video start cutting out, and Saw looks Mighty Troubled.

Yeah, that whole Death Star thing is seeming a lot more plausible now!

Saw Gerrera, Really Giving Everyone Else in Star Wars a Run For Their Money Here

The boys bust out of jail as the hideout starts to break apart. Cassian phones up K-2, who’s like “um, so here’s the thing: the world is ending?”:

Cassian yells at the Space Husbands to go get Bodhi, while he scrambles to get Jyn:

Saw. SAW. OK, so you know how like every single person in Star Wars who dies (or “dies” as the case may be, YOU ALL KNOW WHO YOU ARE), have tended to go out in truly spectacular fashion? It’s always an Incredible Plummet While Yelling (ex: Sheev, Mace), or features a Tearful Message to Obi-Wan That’s About The Chosen One (ex: Qui-Gon, Padme, Maul), or involves quite literally disappearing into the Force after doing and/or saying something Surprising (ex: Obi-Wan, Yoda, Luke.) And yet, even with THIS kind of competition Saw Gerrera manages to somehow pull off maybe one of the most dramatic death scenes in Star Wars: standing his ground while being blasted by the destruction wrought by the Death Star, and delivering these very Extra lines in a very very desperately dramatic fashion:

Bravo, Saw. Bravo. Most Over the Top Death is a REALLY competitive category around here, so way to get in there and give it your all.

Recurring Theme: The Jedi Order’s House Gets Trashed

And so we’re now treated to at least the third time in canon that we’ve had to watch some asshole destroy the Jedi Order’s property while also killing a lot of people. WHY MUST I BE MADE TO SUFFER LIKE THIS. Guys, I get it: they’re kind of nerds, and they don’t believe in surrendering to their every emotion, and turns out they weren’t able to force Anakin Skywalker to talk about his feelings OR keep Kylo Ren from becoming a thing, but THEY DIDN’T DESERVE ALL THAT, OK? They just wanted to help settle trade disputes and maybe grow some succulents and swoosh their hilariously huge robes around while gossiping about each other! Seriously. LET THEM LIVE IN PEACE.

Sigh. Krennic is all but moved to happy tears by this:

As chaos reigns down on Jedha, K-2 arrives in the nick of time (of course) to spirit our friends away:

And, finally, Saw gets his Last Big Moment:

With that, Cassian steps on the gas and they jet out into hyperspace through the Giant Cloud of Broken Jedi Statues:

Wilhuff Tarkin, Credit-Taker

Ha HA, oh the sweet sound of Imperials being jerks to each other. So everyone back at Doofensheev Evil Incorporated are taking in the sight of Jedha getting blown to bits, and Krennic walks past Tarkin in a huff. After a pause, Tarkin is all “WELL, I guess you actually DID know what you were doing for the first time ever”:

Krennic, at first, seems to be in mild disbelief at this sudden appreciation of his gifts, and asks if this means he’s going to get a gold star on his quarterly review and a hug from the Emperor? Tarkin is like “oh I’ll be informing him all right…” to which Krennic makes sure to note that they were totally half-assing this just now. It can kill WAY more people than that!

Then, naturally, Tarkin’s like “yeah, I’m gonna have a great time running this project now and stealing all the credit and also being the one that gets to throw the happy hour celebrating this project”. Uh oh!

Krennic, like all Imperials, takes this unexpected bad news with calm grace and dignity:


Tarkin is like “look, you’re the one that let that pilot get away, and what’s more, Galen Erso was totally involved!”:

Krennic marches off after saying this, and me laughing:

Recurring Theme: The Unbearable Sadness of Everyone

Back on Yavin, the rebels are getting word that things are not so rosy over on Jedha:

…and that they know to go to Eadu to look for Galen Erso. Shall they proceed?

As Cassian gets these orders relayed to him, on board their U-wing Chirrut is asking Baze to tell him the bad news:

Awww. Look at Bodhi HE’S SO SAD AND TRAUMATIZED. He needs a hug.

Cassian tells K-2 to head for Eadu, and Jyn is all IS THAT WHERE MY DAD IS???

Bodhi looks up and asks Jyn if she’s Galen’s daughter, and then relays this very sad snippet about how Galen inspired him to Go Rogue:

I really liked everyone in this movie, but I think Riz did an especially lovely job in some of these scenes. Or maybe it’s just that I’ve always got a weakness for whoever is the saddest character in the room/most in need of a nap and blanket. Either way. I love him.

Jyn explains to the gang that it’s not too late, and Baze is not buying it:

LOL. She continues: she saw a message from her dad, and he totally rigged the Death Star! They can destroy it!

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Yet Another Reason to Back Your Files Up to the Cloud

Cassian is…not an enthusiastic supporter of this story, and she’s like BUT I SAW IT! He inquires:

Whoopsie daisy! Well, that’s going to be a little bit of a snag for our girl Jyn here.

Chirrut pipes up that he believes Jyn, and Cassian is like THANKS FOR CONTRIBUTING HERE CHIRRUT, and Baze asks for more details about this trap Jyn claims her dad placed:

Jyn and Cassian have a bit of a standoff after this, because she wants him to tell the Rebellion to go to Scarif, and he’s like I can’t DO that, and then she’s like “FINE. We’ll go to Eadu, pick up my dad, you absolutely will not try to assassinate him, and then we’ll bring him back to Yavin and he can tell the damn Rebellion himself“, to which Cassian is like “yeah OK sure I guess that will be the plan, and I definitely mean that.”

Recurring Theme: Tight Squeeze

Guess who else is off to Eadu? Ah yes, it’s our be-caped friend Krennic, who looks none too happy about this bullshit week he’s having at work:

Speaking of Eadu, we’ve arrived, and weather conditions could be better:

Naturally they have to fly treacherously low through a canyon, because otherwise this film would not have been given Final Canon Approval:

…and eventually we have Another Happy Landing:

Back at Rebel HQ (“Proudly Using Glowy Blue Lines on Clear Plastic Panels For Everything Since 1977“), the team tries to determine what’s happened to the Rogue Crew:

Unable to reach them, this culminates in the Rebellion getting orders to “target Eadu”. Oh good!

Recurring Theme: And Now, A Word From the Force

Cassian takes a look outside their ship and starts asking Bodhi for details:

As Cassian keeps prepping to go outside, he comes up with a flimsy excuse for why Jyn has to stay behind, and Chirrut sits and takes in the Force around him which as we’ll learn in a few minutes is giving off some Serious Murder Vibes:

LOL. I know, I know: the Dark Side was obscuring everything and whatnot, but I’m giggling at the idea that Anakin was probably walking around with a Giant Murder Cloud around him most of the time.

As Jyn is like “oh shit”, K-2 piles on:

Recurring Theme: Let’s All Go Get Killed Together

So Cassian and Bodhi are off to stalk Galen Erso, and Jyn’s going after her dad, and then, for kicks, Chirrut follows her and this, of course, causes Baze to go after Chirrut, after they have an exchange from the Kenobi-Skywalker Collection that includes Baze being like WELL GOOD LUCK NOT GETTING KILLED, and Chirrut replying thusly:

K-2 ends up being the only one left on the ship, and makes the following announcement:

Hahahahaha. I love him.

Jyn starts climbing her way towards the research facility, and Cassian and Bodhi take a peek at some figures walking out of it:

Just as they determine that Galen is indeed over there, Krennic’s shuttle arrives for one final bitch-off, and Cassian tells Bodhi to go back to the ship:

Yep. Nothing shifty going on here!

Recurring Theme: Traitor!

Krennic, his RAINPROOF CAPE flapping in the breeze, struts out of his shuttle, and is all smarmy as he greets Galen. The Death Star! It’s done!

He tells Galen to round up his engineers. He’s got a special announcement: one of them…

GASP! He threatens to kill them all, and obviously this is Krennic’s way of getting Galen to own up to it, which he does in dramatic fashion:

Cassian, watching all of this from his little sniper perch, is like “???” as Jyn makes her way up to the platform. Comm-ing over to K-2, he’s also told that they’ve got Company:

Orson Krennic, Ripping My Heart Out

Krennic’s men end up killing all the engineers anyways, and then he slaps Galen to the ground: he’s got a heartwarming story for him (and me):

LOOK I ALREADY SAID I’D HAD ENOUGH OF THIS JEDI-RELATED PAIN, KRENNIC. Also your hat looks dorky, so there. Also, claiming that Jedha was “the last reminder of the Jedi” is the biggest lie in this series since that time that Anakin told Padme he didn’t want to hear any more about Obi-Wan. In addition to Planet Ireland’s Sacred Tree Full of Ancient Jedi Odes About The Jedi Disasters of Olde, we all know Vader’s got an entire room full of Kenobi Memorabilia in that lava castle WHICH WE’RE TOTALLY GOING TO GET TO SOON GOD I CAN’T WAIT BUT NOW I’VE SAID TOO MUCH.

Galen recycles some dialogue and tells Krennic he’ll never win, and Krennic is all hey! a Callback! Thanks:

K-2 phones up the Rebellion and is like “Um guys? We’re still alive over here so could you not with the X-wings?” and everyone is like WHOOPS:

Recurring Theme: Dangle Over The Abyss

So then there’s a big ol’ battle scene and shit’s getting blown up all over the place and Cassian is all worried about Jyn. She, however, is still alive (for now!) and yells out to Galen just as a bomb hits the platform and everyone goes flying:

Krennic gets pulled to his feet and told they have to evacuate so that he can make a stop over at THE MOST ENTERTAINING AND UPSETTING AND HILARIOUS PLACE I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE FANDOM LIFE, and the blast from his departing ship shoves Jyn nearly over a ledge into nothingness since we all know that’s another one of those things that just sort of has to happen in a Star Wars movie. This movie really did its homework:

Recurring Theme: I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight

She pulls herself back from the brink and stumbles over to a gravely wounded Galen so that he can die tragically in her arms and Gareth Edwards can check YET ANOTHER box off of the Star Wars Movie Master Checklist (from a book by George Lucas, probably entitled So You’ve Decided To Tempt Fate and Make a New Star Wars Movie: Don’t Say I Didn’t Warn You.) 

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OH WHY STAR WARS. Jyn nearly gets gunned down by some stormtroopers that she is too traumatized to take notice of, but between Cassian and the rest of her ragtag bunch of rebels, she’s spared. Cassian grabs her and insists that it’s time for her to leave:

Bodhi and K-2 pick everyone up, and they hightail it off of Eadu as it the Imperial facility burns up behind them.

Recurring Theme: Just Because I Tried To Kill Someone You Love Doesn’t Mean We Can’t Still Be Friends

Back on board the ship, Jyn is like HEY LISTEN UP ANDOR: I KNOW what you tried to do to my dad. Cassian tries to give her the brush-off:

She goes on that everyone on the ship totally knows what he was going to do, and he counters that HEY: he had a chance to kill Galen and he didn’t, and then SHE spits back that in the end it was Alliance bombs that killed him SO THERE! SAME THING!

Cassian explains that he had ORDERS, and she’s like FUCK YOUR ORDERS and then sniffs that he might as well be a stormtrooper if he’s just some sort of emotionless killbot, and he? IS NOT GOING TO ACCEPT THIS, and is like MY tragic childhood was more tragic than YOURS, and guys, really: here in Star Wars, can’t we just all agree that everyone’s life has been terrible, each in their own special ways? It doesn’t have to be a contest!

She’s unimpressed, and he’s like “see if I care”:

This very tense discussion then amusingly ends with Cassian being like ANYONE ELSE WANNA DANCE?! HMMM?

Recurring Theme: Evil Loves Lava

Ladies and gentlemen: this blog is a joy to write, and it’s never more fun than when I hit moments like this, my friends: moments in the Star Wars canon where I’m just like “this. This is why I created this blog. This is why I’m here.” I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS.

We see Krennic’s shuttle approaching a place. A place that looks…familiar, perhaps, and I’m just going to come right out and say that I’m confused that this planet did not get a label. Like, are we so allergic to the prequels that even seeing its name written out would have caused a mass exodus of 40-year-old dudebros from theaters everywhere? Would the average Star Wars moviegoer even know the significance? It’s weird, is all I’m saying. I guess maybe they felt like this level of dramatic bullshit truly needs no introduction, and I suppose that’s fair.

…yes, kids, here we are back on Mustafar (“90% Lava; 10% Kenobi Tears”). WHY are we back at the site of the universe’s most traumatic breakup, you ask? SURELY no one would ever want to come back here of all places! WHOEVER COULD WE POSSIBLY BE PAYING A VISIT TO ON THIS PLANET MARRED BY HEARTBREAK AND FAILURE AND TERRIBLE TRAGEDY?????? Let’s see if we can make an educated guess once we see the building Krennic’s headed for, shall we?

Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, The Most Ridiculous Person Who Has Ever Lived

GOOD FUCKING GRIEF WHAT THE HELL IS THAT. You guys. YOU GUYS. I laughed SO HARD AT THIS PART WHEN I FIRST SAW IT. I was getting messages from people FOR WEEKS ABOUT THIS THING AFTER THIS MOVIE CAME OUT. Total strangers wrote to me to be like “I immediately thought of you when I saw the castle.”

So, yes: here is Anakin Skywalker’s Summer Home, a terrifying edgelord castle that is built on top of the river where Obi-Wan owned Anakin’s Sith Lord ass and he lost all his remaining limbs and yelling and crying and lightsaber theft occurred. It is easily 7000% larger than it needs to be, and IT HAS A LAVA WATERFALL COMING OUT OF IT. I…this scene felt like a personal gift to me. I just love when the dweebs making this stuff and I are really on the same wavelength, and my goodness, was this ever one of those times.

Krennic’s shuttle lands and we get a few more choice shots of this craziness:

Anakin Skywalker, Suspended in Bacta

We then see a butler/servant-type guy walking along a hallway which appears to be suspended possibly over a giant abyss without railings (AGAIN,) and he opens the door to a Mysterious Room:

OK OK OK. So as soon as this guy finishes talking, it’s almost as though the lighting IN THE BACTA TANK seems to change so that we can see Anakin better? Is he controlling this? Also, I am GREATLY amused that he’s kept to the Jedi Aesthetic of Extreme Low Lighting, even in a MEDICAL TREATMENT SETTING.

I have an endless amount of questions here, including but not limited to:

  • Does Anakin float in this thing a lot? Does he have to? Is his body falling apart constantly, or is this just…”me time” for him, like sitting in a hot tub and unwinding at the end of a hard day?
  • How long has he been sitting in there? Does he have to take time off to go fly here and soak in his bacta tank? That’s gotta put a cramp in Sheev’s plans on occasion.
  • It…almost sort of looks like he’s WEARING UNDERPANTS IN THERE? Is that part of the treatment? Is such modesty necessary when he’s just floating in there alone? (And, uh, is this an indication that Anakin’s still got something there that he’d want to cover up? If he does, wouldn’t that rather delicate area that has been SCORCHED BY LAVA also require exposure to the bacta? Look, I’M JUST ASKING BECAUSE I AM CURIOUS OK. We don’t have to go into this further.)

Anakin or someone pulls out the stopper on the bacta tank and it starts draining, giving us a chance to all cry again about the loss of Anakin’s glorious golden curly mane:

Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, Entrance-Maker

Krennic is waiting for Vader to finish picking out a cape and settling on which shitty puns he wants to use, and let’s just say that Vader’s not really cultivating a light, airy, welcoming vibe here:

GOD WHAT A GIFT THIS WHOLE SCENE IS. A doorway that is WAY needlessly huge starts opening, and our first glimpse of Suited Vader here appears as an absolutely unbelievably giant shadow…



I was going to rattle off all the times he shows up in a smoke cloud, but as I started to think of them I was actually having a harder time remembering times WHEN HE HASN’T SHOWN UP IN A CLOUD OF SMOKE.

So he plays his Scary Theme Song and struts over to a nervous Krennic. Please remember that this scene is, basically, Mid-Level Project Manager Orson Krennic going to talk to his company’s VP to talk about some challenges on his recent assignment. It’s just that instead of going up a couple floors to the executive offices, he’s had to meet this guy AT HIS LAVA CASTLE BUILT ON THE SITE OF HIS GREATEST HEARTBREAK, which is a thing that happens in this universe.

Recurring Theme: The Galactic Senate Is Dumb

Vader’s all “Heeeeey Krennic, you seem unsettled, whatever for???” and honest to God, you can almost hear this SMIRK in his voice because he KNOWS he is scary as HELL.



Krennic is like “no, just super busy”, and LOOK AT THE VIEW FROM HERE. I wonder if Vader goes for strolls out by the lava sometimes when he wants to bask in his anger and/or hate himself more.

Vader’s like “this is some bullshit, Krennic”, and Krennic is like “the Emperor got exactly what I promised, blahblahblah”, and Vader’s like “yeah, it’s got potential. Potential to be a pain in the ass that I maybe still have!”

Krennic tries to blame everything on Tarkin, which I can’t blame him for because that guy is an asshole, and Vader’s like “look: we covered our asses this time and told the Senate that Jedha was destroyed in a mining disaster.”

I have been laughing about this part since this movie came out. PLEASE RECALL WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO JEDHA CITY. I know the Empire was mining the hell out of Jedha, but ALSO? COME ON, SENATE. If they actually bought this, they kind of deserved to be disbanded. Oh my God. Also I love that Vader thinks this is a good cover story. He would, because Anakin Skywalker is a very gullible man and probably was like, “I know, we’ll tell them it was a mining disaster! Hey, I’d believe it! Nailed that one, guys!” while Sidious just sighed defeatedly and facepalmed.

Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, Maker of Dad Jokes

Vader gives Krennic his orders:

And Krennic, delighted, is like “you mean I still get to be the captain of Team Death Star???”

Vader, in response, does THIS:

…and then SAYS THIS:

And look, I don’t wanna put words in the Star Wars Canon’s mouth or anything here, but I am going to go ahead and PROMISE YOU ALL that at this exact moment, somewhere on Tatooine, Old Ben Kenobi just bolted upright in his sleep, felt the space where his long-shattered Force Bond with Anakin once was fill with warmth, and was like “…all right, yes Anakin, in spite of everything…that was pretty solid. Well done.” Like, what a tribute! I bet they used to compare stupid shit they said to their enemies all the time and you KNOW they both thought they were Very Funny (“…so then I said, “I like your new legs. They make you look taller!” “You did NOT say that!” “I did! I swear!” “Oh my God, that’s hilarious, you are SO funny, Master!” Meanwhile, Ahsoka’s trapped in the backseat wondering why it was apparently her destiny to have the universe’s two biggest dorks for dads.)

With that, Vader stalks away with his cape swooshing majestically behind him, and Krennic, catching his breath…raises an eyebrow and smirks? He, uh, doesn’t seem all that opposed to having been nearly choked to death by Vader here, and maybe the less said about this, the better.

…and that is a wrap for today! THIS RECAP WAS SO LONG, but I think you all know that when I realized how close I was to being able to recap Dramatic Bullshit Manor, I had no choice but to power through this one. Thanks for joining me for another edition of Snark Wars — until next time, dear readers!

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Recurring Themes and More

Ahsoka Tano Anakin Is The Worst Employee I Swear to God Anakin Loves Ahsoka Anakin Loves Obi-Wan Anakin Loves Padme Anakin Loves Palpatine Anakin Skywalker - Human Lightning Rod Anakin Skywalker and His Life of Bad Choices Asajj Ventress Bad Ideas of the Jedi Bail Loves Obi-Wan Bail Organa Beru Whitesun Bo-Katan Kryze Boba Fett Bounty Hunters Cad Bane Carnelion IV Chewbacca Count Dooku Crappy Destiny Crystal Quest Dagobah Darksaber Dark Side Foreshadow Darth Sidious Darth Sidious Makes a Guest Appearance as Himself Darth Vader Darth Vader Screws Himself Over Electrocution Enough of That Old Trauma Let's Start Experiencing Some New Trauma Faked Death Force Vision Quest General Grievous Geonosis Han Loves Leia Han Solo Holocrons with the Jedi Order's Famous Chili Recipe Hondo Ohnaka I'm More Powerful Than All of You I'm No Jedi I'm Suing This Show For Pain and Suffering I Am a Jedi Jabba the Hutt Jedi Kids Kolara Leia Organa Luke Loves Obi-Wan Luke Skywalker Luke Skywalker's Neverending Personal Destiny Quests Mace Windu Mandalore Martini Drinking Maul More Bummers Brought to You By Anakin Skywalker Mother Pran Mustafar My Ridiculously Circuitous Plan is One-Quarter Complete No One Can See Me With My Hood On Obi-Wan's Life is the Worst Obi-Wan and Anakin Need Marriage Counseling Obi-Wan Brings People Together Obi-Wan Earns That Paycheck Obi-Wan Loves Anakin Obi-Wan Loves Luke Obi-Wan McSassypants and the Angry One Oblivious to the Obvious One More Thing For Obi-Wan To Discuss with His Therapist Ostentaciousness Is Our Speciality Owen Lars Padme Amidala Padme Loves Anakin Palpatine Strikes Again Pre Vizsla Qui-Gon Jinn Revenge of Revenge of the Sith Rex Ridiculous Complexity Sana Starros Satine Kryze Savage Oppress Secret History Reveal Sithtacular Sithtacular Tarkin Tatooine The Beginning of the End Again The Dark Side Stole My Boyfriend The Dark Times The Death Watch Is Not A Shitty Band The Jedi Council's Greatest Hits The Unbearable Sadness of Obi-Wan This Show Is Insane Tragic Backstory Tuskens Undercover Why Are You Doing This To Me Filoni Haven't I Suffered Enough Why Knock When You Can Just Badass Your Way In Wistful Sunset Gazing Yoda You Can Kill Pretty Much Anyone Except Maul

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