TCW, Season 2, Episode 17: Farm Aid

The Clone Wars, Season 2, Episode 17: Bounty Hunters

Hello there, dear readers! It’s one of my favorite kind of days over here on Snark Wars — a Clone Wars Day! I figured I better keep making progress towards recapping more of these episodes before Disney swings by and dumps another pile of them on my lap and they’re all full of angst and pain and Wistful Staring and those moments where you just wanna grab Obi-Wan and Anakin and literally knock their heads together because if those two would just STOP BEING THIS WAY FOR FIFTEEN FUCKING SECONDS MAYBE YOU GUYS COULD COMBINE YOUR SIX COLLECTIVE BRAIN CELLS TOGETHER AND FIGURE OUT THE DARK SECRET ABOUT PALPATINE BUT NO, NO: YOU GUYS ARE JUST GONNA SIT THERE, SWOOSHING YOUR HAIR AROUND AND ANAKIN’S GONNA KEEP ON NOT TALKING ABOUT HIS FEELINGS AND WE’RE ALL DOOMED SO JUST THANKS A LOT, GUYS. THANKS. (I’m sorry, Obi-Wan. I shouldn’t have yelled at you; it’s not your fault, nothing is or ever will be, you keep being you, sweetheart.) (*scowls at Anakin and mouths “how could you?“*)

Oh good, it’s one of those recaps where I am somehow already off track despite not having even actually started talking about the thing I am ostensibly here to talk about. Fun! All right, all right: as it happens, today’s episode does, in fact, contain the two aforementioned handsome idiots. It also contains Ahsoka, who clearly deserves to be on currency in the GFFA for putting up with…you know, basically everything she’s ever had to put up with. The genocide, the betrayals, goddamn undead Darth Maul, traveling through a wormhole in the universe to avoid getting murdered, and, of course, Putting Up With Obi-Wan and Anakin for Extended Periods of Time. This girl has been through some stuff.

This episode ALSO contains some bad guys! But not Sith bad guys, or eeeeevil space miners, so you know what that means: it MUST be bounty hunters or pirates! And in this case, by golly, it’s both: a Star Wars buy-one-get-one deal! Hooray. OK, let’s hand things off to Voiceover Recap Guy for the setup. How are things looking over there, buddy?

Recurring Theme: The Jedi Order, Deserved a Company Vacation

…oh! Great. So same shit, different day, I guess.

Yes, just in case we’d all forgotten, the Jedi Order is REALLY FUCKING BUSY OK GUYS? All day, every day, just nonstop badassery and yelling and showing off their glorious manes in the wind and so on. It’s tiring, and to make sure we recall just HOW tiring, they make sure to throw in a shot of Obes from that Geonosis episode where he almost dies like 127 times but refuses to stop fighting even though his legs don’t work and his major organs are all failing and Anakin eventually has to help walk him back to their ship and also gently hold his hand while doing so for what were definitely Safety-Related Reasons.

AHEM. Yes, the Jedi are tired and they get hurt a lot and they are busy and also now some bullshit is happening near Felucia, a pretty and weird quasi-Pandora-esque planet where Aayla Secura’s gonna get murdered by some Clones in a few years. So that’s fun, yeah? The Order is sending over the best they’ve got to investigate the current situation, which is that some medical station near Felucia has gone incommunicado, and unfortunately for the Order their best is Obi-Wan and Anakin. (LOL, I am sorry, but for whatever reason I am REALLY in a mood to drag them today. It’s how I show my love.) With that, it’s off to Felucia with the Space Family!

Recurring Theme: Space Family Road Trip

Anakin’s in the driver’s seat and I am .1 second into this episode and already laughing at this whole situation for reasons I can’t even fully explain. Look at Obi-Wan back there! Is he hanging back so that Anakin and his Padawan can Learn and Grow or whatever? Or did he and Anakin have a fight immediately after they pulled out of the Temple parking garage and now Ahsoka’s banished him to the backseat, where he’s sitting there and pouting with his arms crossed? (GOOD GOD, I can already tell THIS RECAP IS GOING TO TAKE ME FOREVER.)

So they see Felucia, but Ahsoka says that she can’t find the medical center that they were coming here to pay a visit to. And she’s not getting any readings and blahblahblah and then naturally before anything else can be Uncovered, a bunch of vulture droids show up and start attacking them:

IMMEDIATELY, Obi-Wan, from his spot in the kid’s row of the car, is throwing out sarcastic observations:

…and Anakin’s being a smirky little shit:

Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, Best Starpilot in the Galaxy According to Totally Unbiased Source

Their ship gets hit, and I love that Obi-Wan just seems like, DEEPLY IRRITATED by all of this. You know, Kenobi, no one’s making you stay in the Order. You could leave this all behind and be a hair model tomorrow if you wanted to. I’m just SAYING.

And of course, this results in Anakin “Best Pilot” Skywalker bringing YET ANOTHER SHIP in for a crash landing. As they all put on their oxygen masks, I love that Obi-Wan closes his eyes in what I think they meant to be him steeling himself, but mostly just comes off as him wondering why his life is like this (I don’t KNOW, Obi-Wan. I don’t know.)

Ahsoka, taking the words out of my mouth, demands to know:

LOL! The best part here is that — you’ll never believe it, guys — it turns out that Anakin’s take on the situation absolves him of all blame! WHAT A SURPRISE.

I love them all so much.

Recurring Theme: Anakin Loves Obi-Wan

So they eject from their crashing ship in these gigantic bouncy ball things, and go boing-boing-boing all the way down to the planet surface.

Their pods open up once they’ve settled, and Anakin immediately sets about making sure that Obi-Wan is OK because if he isn’t then Anakin is probably going to have to murder everyone and then blow up a planet or something:

I love that he is all gentle and concerned here about Obi-Wan’s well-being, and Obi-Wan reacts with mild annoyance like this is something Anakin asks him every 10 minutes (I mean, do any of us think he doesn’t?) AND Anakin doesn’t ask about the welfare OF THE ACTUAL CHILD IN HIS CARE WHO ALSO JUST EJECTED FROM A FLAMING CRASHING SHIP. ANAKIN. Oh my God.

Recurring Theme: They Always Fight on Vacation

They hear some suspicious noises, and try to stay still as rancors walk past them:

The giant monsters aren’t even COMPLETELY GONE YET when Obi-Wan starts complaining again:

LOL. Right; like I believe these two haven’t already spent half the war “wandering aimlessly”. Obi-Wan says they need a plan, and Anakin gets suuuper pissy about this because FUCK YOU I DON’T MAKE PLANS AND THAT’S YOUR FAULT, AND MY SUPERSKILLZ ARE TELLING ME TO WANDER IN THIS RANDOM DIRECTION:

This whole entire conversation then just completely steers into Twenty Years of Marriage Territory after this, and it is delightful and I AM AHSOKA:

You know, most of the time when discussing These Two and Their Way I’m like “OK OK, I’m seriously just kidding I know Star Wars wasn’t Going There for many reasons, I am a joke maker, I make jokes, they are clearly just Bros Being Buds” but then Star Wars goes and does shit like THIS, or, say, the entire novelization of Revenge of the Sith, and I’m just over here throwing my hands up in defeat, because what the hell other conclusions am I to draw, Star Wars? Like, Ahsoka could have just screamed OH MY GOD KISS ALREADY and it would have made total sense in this conversation.

Ahsoka decides to stay in-canon here and not indulge me (FINE, but I’m just saying I think Padme might have appreciated splitting the gigantic workload that was Romancing Anakin Skywalker with a second person, OK?! She had a ton of shit on her plate to deal with besides Anakin, and let’s be real: it’s not like Obi-Wan and Anakin hooking up could have made things go any worse), and is like um hey, if you two dumbasses are done talking, I think I know which way to go:

I love that Anakin just shrugs at all of this, and Obi-Wan’s got nothing to say. Maybe you guys should be thanking her for evidently being the sole competent adult on this trip.

Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Human Wikipedia

So they follow Ahsoka’s hunch, and wind up finding a cute little village. Anakin slyly comments:

LOL. ANAKIN YOU ARE A JEDI, PLEASE DO NOT STEAL FROM INNOCENT VILLAGERS. Or at least try not to just announce that you’re going to do this right in front of your STUDENT. God.

Ahsoka takes note of some healing herbs that the villagers are growing, and so OF COURSE Obi-Wan has to show off the fact that he knows AN ABSOLUTE FUCKTON OF RANDOM FACTOIDS, YET AGAIN:

I just…every. Other. Freaking. Episode. This guy. And his little Did You Know…? Moments. WE GET IT OBES, YOU ARE VERY SMART. Also I feel so sad for him, because he spent all those years in the desert alone and he probably knew the names of every weird plant that grew out there and what its lifespan was and how much moisture it needed to survive and what its average market price was and he didn’t even have anyone he could show off this knowledge to other than his pet banthas. Hey! What do you know; I’m making myself sad about Hermit Obi-Wan again, and this time it came on just because he knew the name of a plant. I probably have some kind of diagnosable problem, but let’s not dwell on that.

So the Space Fam stands around for a bit, and Ahsoka is all confused: this place looks deserted! Obi-Wan isn’t buying it though:

Well, there are definitely some tools hanging around in this episode, Obi-Wan, that’s for sure. Har! (I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right; I am hilarious.)

Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, Criminal

Anakin proclaims that he knows where they need to go to get the information they seek:

I…OK. Did Anakin really spend a lot of time lurking around farmers’ properties as a child on Tatooine? Why? How? When? ANAKIN THAT IS PRIVATE PROPERTY. Just so we’re clear, Anakin has advocated for both the space equivalent of grand theft auto, and criminal trespassing in this episode. So far. And this is like, the fourth minute of the show.

Anakin flings open the door to the barn (so, add “breaking and entering” to that list, I guess), revealing a giant ship. Obi-Wan is like “huh! That’s a weird ship to find in a barn; maybe it’s here to pick up the space herb that I knew about” and also now I’m cracking myself up because is this stuff like space weed? If so, then I absolutely know why Obi-Wan knows so much about it. There is no way that guy has gotten through his entire life so far without chemical assistance of one sort or another. He had to take care of TEENAGE ANAKIN, you guys.)

Ahsoka is still confused: what’s really going on here in this galactic ghost town? She and Anakin follow this up by just STRAIGHT UP WALKING INTO A STRANGER’S HOUSE. So, MORE breaking and entering. Ahsoka’s really getting the best and most wholesome education the Republic can buy, isn’t she?

Anakin wanders around the house for a bit, then crouches down to investigate a hatch door in the floor:

Gasp! There’s some scared little creatures in there!

Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Smug Jackass

Ahsoka tries to calm them, and that’s when someone pulls a gun on her from behind! DUN DUN DUUUUN!

Ah, it’s the episode’s titular bounty hunters! That one dude that I always say kinda reminds me of how Yoshimitsu looked in Tekken 2 (because I am both old AND a nerd), a murder robot, and two others whose names I’ve forgotten because my brain has reached the point where I’m not sure it can retain any more Star Wars Names and I am too lazy to go look them up but I probably will have to before this entry is over.

Anakin, just to mix it up and do something different for a change I guess, is like “hey now let’s not all fly off the handle”. The bounty hunters declare themselves to have the proverbial high ground, since four on one is no easy feat, even for a Jedi. Ahsoka takes offense to this, because excuse YOU, four on one?

Obi-Wan uses this moment to saunter up the stairs (so, was he just off by himself breaking into other peoples’ homes? Or pocketing himself some space cannabis? LOL) and he says this:

This fucking guy. Honestly. What the hell am I even going to do with him. I love him.

Recurring Theme: Yo Ho, Yo Ho, Pirates Are Coming to Kill Us

As this episode is dedicated to the memory of Akira Kurosawa (to whom we all owe a great debt of gratitude for inspiring George Lucas and thereby indirectly inflicting this ridiculous franchise on us all), we start to veer into one of those Showdowns that Star Wars (and every martial arts movie ever made) lives for where the camera zooms in on each person’s face so that we know that Shit Is About To Go Down. Except this time, the shit…stays where it is, I guess, because the action pauses and one of the Felucian Turtle Pot Farmers that lives here intervenes: these are Jedi! They can help us!

Ahsoka wants details:

DUN DUN DUUUUN!

Night falls, and entertainingly as the gang sits around a dinner table, the Farmer Dude is JUST NOW FINALLY getting around to explaining what the fuck the pirates want from them. So like, he dramatically said “…PIRATES!” three hours ago, and then apparently was like “OK, so, to be continued. I’ve gotta start dinner.” I also like that Obi-Wan and Ahsoka are sitting at the table with this guy like POLITE GUESTS while Anakin leans against the wall, pouting and probably ruminating on his encroaching darkness or whatever.

This guy goes on about how there’s not much scratch to be had in this here farming game, and I am confused because didn’t Obi-Wan say that this space weed is like the most expensive crop in the galaxy earlier? Was Obi-Wan (gasp) wrong??

Anyways this guy is like “it’s cheaper to pay these bounty hunters to keep us safe than it is to deal with the pirates”, and then Anakin amusingly suggests that this elderly Space Turtle and his fellow Felucians just fight the pirates themselves like LOL NOT EVERYONE IS A SUPERHERO ANAKIN FFS ARE YOU LOOKING AT THIS GUY? Anakin, I love you, and I guess technically you’re eventually going to be proven correct here, but even so: you are like the dumbest genius in the entire history of time.

Recurring Theme: We Need a Ship

So then they start talking about how the Jedi need a ship, because the Jedi’s primary job is to crash onto some poor person’s planet, marginally assist them after causing moderate property damage, then fly away. Anakin Vaderishly is like “that one in the barn’ll do”:

I’m starting to realize that, even though it would be stupid, I really wish there’d been a TCW episode where, on a mission, for whatever reason Anakin had to temporarily pilot the Millennium Falcon, and had spent the entire time complaining about how it was the worst thing he’d ever flown and what a piece of crap this ship is and that he’d die of shock if it remained roadworthy for another 6 months.

But I digress: the bounty hunters aren’t buying this deal:

Recurring Theme: I Don’t Have to Stand Here and Listen to These Reasonable Explanations, Damn It

And furthermore: it’s not like the Jedi really seem all that keen to help these poor farmers! Obi-Wan explains that they can’t help: not even if they wanted to.

Ahsoka is PISSED about this, and makes her dads come talk to her outside so that Mean Bummer Dad Obi-Wan can explain himself:

I love that Ahsoka’s two primary caregivers are a guy who’s over there providing rational explanations and blathering on about their Proper Duty and Jurisdiction, and a guy whose main contributions to this day have been destroying an expensive piece of Republic property and committing petty crime.

Team Handsome doesn’t get a chance to talk about this amongst themselves (which is fine because God knows it would probably have just devolved into another round of childish bickering, which when you really think about it is the funniest thing ever because THESE TWO ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE BEST SUPERHEROES IN HISTORY), because a child comes running over flailing their arms and yelling about how THE PIRATES ARE BACK!!!!!!!!11!!

Recurring Theme: I Love Hondo Ohnaka

…is it bad that my first reaction to “the pirates are back” being yelled by a terrified child was “YAAAAS”? That’s right, bitches: it’s Hondo Time!

The gang rolls up on space motorcycles, and we have ourselves a brief little pirate/bounty hunter standoff:

Then the man himself joins the fray:

I love that almost every time Hondo appears, the first thing he does is laugh. (Also, I want the entire world to know that Disney MADE A GODDAMN FULL-SIZE HONDO OHNAKA AUDIO-ANIMATRONIC for Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge and A) I am never going to stop being delighted by this because WHAT A WORLD THIS IS WHERE HONDO ROBOTS ARE REAL, and B) I might sincerely have to write an entire blog post about my trip to visit him later this year. I can’t wait, and there is a nonzero chance I will either never return, or will be banned from Disney Parks for trying to take the Hondo Robot out for a beer.)

ANYWAYS. Hondo is thrilled to see his Very Good Friends But Probably Especially Obi-Wan Because Everyone Loves Him Because Just Look At Him OK:

This entire exchange is wonderful, and Hondo’s body language is one of my favorite things about this entire series WHY IS HE SO FUNNY AND WHY DO I LOVE THIS DUMBASS SHOW SO MUCH.

Hondo tries to get the bounty hunters to back off, promising to pay them more than what they’re making protecting the farmers, but they don’t want to back out of their deal, and then Obes tries to intervene and Hondo’s all like “what’s YOUR angle, Kenobi? The hell are you even getting involved for?”

HAHAHAHA well of course the payment would be handsome! As if I believe Obi-Wan would do anything NOT handsomely. (Sorry Team Star Wars; you can’t set me up like that and not expect me to take the bait.)

Obi-Wan promises that he can pay Hondo twice what he’d make shaking down these innocent farmers, but Hondo is not persuaded: you see, Obes would be paying him in Republic credits, and as we all know, Republic credits are apparently like the Discover card or cryptocurrency of the GFFA, in that like only half the merchants in existence will accept it.

So ultimately, Hondo doesn’t take the deal, everyone is annoyed, and the farmers get a death threat as Hondo takes his leave.

Recurring Theme: The Anakin Skywalker Rebellious Uprising Training Program

Back at one of the farmer’s homes (which fortunately they have been actually invited into this time, ANAKIN,) Obes is trying to help the bounty hunters develop a strategy to fight the pirates. Anakin is not impressed with this plan, and neither is everyone else for the most part. There’s too many pirates, and not enough bounty hunters! Anakin proclaims that the bounty hunters are “in way over [their] heads” and I laugh for three-thousand years, because YOU WOULD KNOW about that, wouldn’t you, Skywalker?

Hilariously, this old chestnut gets tossed around yet again:

And Obi-Wan’s retort basically boils down to “well maybe if the REST OF THE GODDAMN GALAXY WOULD GET OFF ITS ASS AND STOP LETTING THE FUCKING SEPARATISTS TAKE OVER AND STOP MAKING ME GO FIX THINGS FOR THEM EVERY OTHER GODDAMN DAY, THIS WAR WOULD ALREADY BE OVER AND I WOULD MAYBE GET SOME FUCKING SLEEP FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 18 YEARS AND ALSO I COULD SPEND SOME TIME READING IN A QUIET ROOM AND ANAKIN COULD WORK ON WHATEVER HIS DEAL IS BECAUSE YOU KNOW SOMETHING BAD IS HAPPENING IN THAT STUPID BRAIN OF HIS BUT NOPE, WE ALL KNOW THE GALAXY AND THE WRITERS WON’T EVER LET THAT HAPPEN, WHY WOULD YOU CREATE ME JUST TO TORTURE ME GEORGE, WHY”.

Anakin, however, has a lightbulb moment, which is, uh, the exact same suggestion he made two hours ago, which is that the farmers should join the uprising! And they’ll teach them how to fight! I love that this is at least the second time in this series that Anakin trains a rebel army. I guess we know why his kids were so good at it.

Soooo Anakin starts to train these guys and it’s a Big Mess because they are tiny turtle farmers who have rakes for weapons, and Anakin uses this as a chance to showboat because what else is new:

Meanwhile, Obes has a Discussion with Sugi (see? I did look it up!) about the bounty hunters’ strategy that baaaaasically ends with him seeming definitely not NOT interested in her, because Obi-Wan has ended fully 98% of every conversation he has ever had with anyone seeming at least mildly interested in seducing them (I was going to do a “see also” listing after this, but yeah. Really. Pretty much everybody.)

This entry is GETTING VERY LONG, so let’s do a Training Montage:

…also Ahsoka finds out that Seripas is not a murder-bot, but a cute little dude in a suit!

More training! Some farmers don’t like this plan! Obi-Wan looks Concerned!

Finally, a scout from Hondo’s camp spies on them, and Embo chases after him and snaps the guy’s neck. Anakin is impressed, but Obi-Wan is here to be his usual Wet Blanket self about it:

…and with his scout having not returned, Hondo knows it’s Showtime!

Recurring Theme: Ragtag Group of Heroes

The Battle for the Felucian Weed Harvest has begun!

The bad guys are there! The good guys end up in trouble! Embo gets injured!

Hondo, HOW DARE YOU:

Gee, for people who have REPEATEDLY been talking about how they aren’t going to help with the fight, the Jedi sure seem to be fighting a lot! WHAT A SURPRISE BECAUSE THAT SURE NEVER HAPPENS.

A bunch more people get hurt! Anakin and Hondo are dueling!

Hondo Ohnaka then somehow delivers THE MOST ACCURATE STATEMENT IN STAR WARS HISTORY:

AIN’T THAT THE TRUTH.

Anakin also gets into it with Hondo’s monkey lizard, and he seems extremely annoyed by it, which made me recall that he also fucking hated Salacious Crumb and threatened to kill him when he went on that trip to see Jabba the Hutt and they went and mowed down Obi-Wan’s bantha family:

Recurring Theme: Hondo Ohnaka’s Lucky Day

Hondo eventually ends up dangling over a ledge, and everyone is like YAAAAY the day is saved we won we won! I love that Obi-Wan is taking this all in like “OK Anakin, now don’t do it don’t kill someone”.

Easy…easy…

Anakin, naturally, is being glorious and threatening, towering over Hondo as he begs for mercy:

Luckily for Hondo, Anakin’s only like maaaybe 37% evil at this point, so instead of dropping a shitty pun on him and then choking him to death, he helps Hondo up:

…and then Hondo tries to kill him, sending him careening down back to where Obi-Wan et al are standing. DAMN, HONDO. You are lucky Vader had too much other shit going on to come back and get his revenge for this years later, because this feels like the sort of thing Anakin probably never forgot. He does you the favor of suppressing his murderous rage for fifteen minutes and this is how you repay him?

To my great delight, Hondo then flees, from the edge of a cliff, thusly:

LOL. Truly: this wretched, mirthless fandom did not, and never will, deserve this series.

Recurring Theme: The Wrap-Up

So having saved the day yet again after inflicting massive property damage (seriously, there’s like, smoking heaps of rubble everywhere,) Team Handsome, their daughter, and the remaining bounty hunters are being thanked by the farmers. Hooray! The markets shall remain well-stocked with Felucian CBD Oil after all.

After all this, Sugi throws out there that she’s got room on her ship, y’know: still need that, uh, ride back to a Republic outpost?

…so there’s basically no chance they’re not going to have sex on this journey, is there? LOL! I mean, by all means, Sugi: get it if it’s on offer. I not only don’t judge, I’m actively jealous. I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW HE IS LIKE THIS WITH EVERYONE OH MY GOD. (Also Anakin is gonna be PISSED, and that final leg of the trip back to the Temple is going to be the WORST and I already feel bad for Ahsoka. Maybe this time she can make Obi-Wan sit in the cargo hold or something.)

THAT IS A WRAP, friends! I hope you enjoyed today’s adventure, because GOD I know I did. Thank you for reading, and I will see you next time, for whatever Star Wars Craziness awaits us then!