STAR WARS RECAPS AND COMMENTARY. (THE FUN KIND.)

Obi-Wan Kenobi, Season 1, Episode 5: I Only Have Eyes For You

Obi-Wan Kenobi, Season 1, Episode 5: Part V

If you’ve been a reader here for a while, then you know that I have sent a lot of love in Star Wars’ direction over the years. This whole blog, from its inception, has been an attempt on my part to put into words the happiness that this very silly, very weird franchise has brought to my life. The characters, the ridiculous plots, the Tragic Backstory and, of course, the Recurring Themes are all things that I just adore, and I was tired of everything in this fandom devolving into people competing to see who could be the most angry or disappointed all the time. Criticism has its place, of course (and God knows I’ve by no means loved every Star Wars thing ever), but sometimes you just want to watch an old hobo be sad for a few hours and not have to nitpick it, for example.

I don’t know/can’t know if anyone involved with creating Star Wars has ever seen this site. This particular series — especially in light of the fact that it is a show I lobbied ceaselessly for for years, and is about my absolute favorite character — being the specific way that it is, however, is making it incredibly difficult not to be at least a LITTLE suspicious. Regardless of whether or not the powers that be knew how much this show would speak to my heart, I want them to know that I am feeling some of that love I’ve pushed towards Star Wars over the years reflected back at me.

Before we get any further, let’s do a quick review: when we last left Obsessed Old Men With Trauma: The Series, Obi-Wan had recovered from being set aflame by Anakin in the previous episode by sharing a Shirtless Bacta Nightmare with him, a very normal and not at all insane thing that happened. He and Tala had managed to get into the HQ of the Inquisitors, which given that I don’t think there’s even supposed to be that many Inquisitors is actually like, UNREASONABLY huge. Maybe it’s one of those things where like, they only use SOME of the floors and the rest of the building is leased out to an accounting firm and an insurance company and there’s a food court in the middle. (Imagine working for one of the OTHER places if this were true. “Oh yeah, I work for the law firm over on 26. There’s a Charles Schwab office right below us. Corporate offices for Space Wal-Mart on 20. Oh, and there’s a bunch of Nazis and Dark Wizards from 15 on down to the sub-basement, where they keep the bodies of people they murdered.”)

MOVING ON: they managed to rescue Leia from her captors, Leia was thrilled that Obi-Wan wasn’t dead, and they’d escaped the Inquisitors and flown off — unaware that Lola, Leia’s droid, was now tracking them and sending information back to Reva.

Anakin had handled the news of Obi-Wan’s escape with the usual level-headed chill he handles everything, but Reva had managed to persuade him to not kill her by promising that this tracking information would lead them not only to the network assisting Jedi and other Force-sensitives, but also directly to Obi-Wan.

That brings us to today’s episode, which…look. I have said “this episode is something” before about many things I have covered over the years, but I may not have ever meant it as MUCH as I mean it right now. Would you like to join me and dig in? (I hope so, because presumably that’s why you’re here.)

If I Could Turn Back Time

So, first things first: this was shown before the beginning of this episode:

I cannot even begin to deal with the fact that I MADE A JOKE ABOUT THEM NEEDING TO DO THIS two recaps ago, and THEN THERE THIS WAS. YES, Star Wars: “certain” scenes might be upsetting. For example, all of them.

I was then filled with terror because, you know, if they didn’t think I needed this warning earlier, then what fresh hell awaited me this time?!

All right, so, onto the actual episode. From literally the very first frame, I knew what was coming (and not just because I’d read some leaked plot details a while back), and I immediately felt unsafe. We open on a bright and sunny Coruscant day:

Yes, there’s no war and no one’s gone on any killing sprees (ANAKIN), and the Jedi Temple hasn’t been turned into an Applebee’s yet. It’s just another Happy Happy Day.

You wanna know who’s taking in this lovely view? Hmmm? Would you like to see him?

AHHHHHHH. I mean this with my whole heart: I have NEVER been happier to see that cursed Jedi Trainee Hair IN MY LIFE. Padawan Anakin, you beautiful, painfully awkward hot mess. You’re back! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH. I would like to pause for a moment to give a very enthusiastic middle finger to absolutely everyone who was an asshole about or to Hayden during the PT Era, and every loser that said they’d “never” bring him back for anything because “everyone” hated him in this role. SURE LOOKS LIKE THEY BROUGHT HIM BACK, DOESN’T IT???? (Am I smug, and petty, about this? Yes. Yes I am.)

Yes, Anakin’s standing around on this very very fancy patio, and it turns out it’s because he’s got a Hot Date! Aaaaaand since he hasn’t yet reconnected with Padme, well, we all know there’s only one other person he could be waiting for.

WOLFMAN KENOBI, YOU HANDSOME BASTARD LOOOOK AT YOOOOOU. New Live Action Wolfman Kenobi Content in TWO THOUSAND AND TWENTY-TWO. My word. I can’t cope. I can’t!

Obes is like “Ah! There’s my guy”, and Anakin replies:

Man, no wonder Vader is so unhinged by the point in the timeline that this series is set. Knowing Obi-Wan, he was probably like 3 minutes EARLY for this meeting and Anakin was already like “I thought you weren’t coming 🥺 Why would you abandon me, Obi-Wan??? 🥺🥺🥺 I almost had to go on a killing spree 🥺” And now Vader’s had to go TEN YEARS without seeing him save for a few minutes of burning him alive, AND then he finds out he JUST narrowly missed him at the Inquisitor’s Hangout? Damn.

Obi-Wan smirks and says this is good: maybe that means he’ll stand more of a chance this time. LOL. OK, I take it back: maybe Obi-Wan WAS late, on purpose, because he knew Anakin would be unmoored and spiraling by the time he arrived. Unsportsmanlike, Kenobi!

What exactly are the boys meeting up for?

I love them SO MUCH. I know, I know, you all know and I have said it a LOT, but also? I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.

Look at my boys! They’re gonna have a sassy playfight! My heart is so full right now. Of course, regrettably they did not give me Ass-Slapping Sparring like Wild Space did, but I will very very happily accept this. Also JUST LOOK AT THEM. Look at their outfits! THEY’RE SMILING AT EACH OTHER. They are happy and only like .05% of the bad stuff that’s gonna happen to them has happened!! Anakin might be getting full nights of sleep! Obi-Wan’s not even a Jedi Master yet which means other than hanging out with Anakin, the only other thing on his plate for today was probably filing some paperwork and vacuuming his apartment and eating lunch with Quinlan! I am making myself very upset!

I would like to call out that I have only recapped the first 21 seconds of this episode, and I have written THIS MUCH ALREADY. We are in for a wild and very long-winded ride, folks. Maybe make sure you’ve got water and you’ve taken a pee break recently.

The boys get down to business:

I am DIGGING this prequelled-out room! The Order must be spending a ton on floor wax, holy shit. Seems unsafe for a surface that’s used to practice armed combat on, but hey, that’s just me. I appreciate that they acknowledged that they were never going to put light fixtures in this room so they just cut to the chase and left it open-air.

I’m feeling ALL kinds of ways about the fact that you know Anakin had to fill out a little sign-up sheet for this space and everything. He probably picked the best room whenever he was gonna meet with Obi-Wan. 😭 GOD THESE TWO MAKE ME SO EMOTIONAL. Look at them! LOOK AT THEM. I really want to make sure you’ve looked at them. Have you?

They start off, still smiling at each other. That’s cool, thanks Star Wars. I won’t be thinking about that for the next several decades. We see them prowl around one another for a moment, and then as their blades meet, we get booted away from the Smiley Happy Handsome Past, and back to this miserable asshole:

YOU HAD THAT, ANAKIN. You had THAT and you lost it. Not even LOST it: you actively REJECTED IT! How. Why. Oh, you stupid doofus.

Recurring Theme: Dark Side Promo

Some guy tells Vader that Reva’s here, and she walks in and thanks him for inviting her. He instantly is like “yeah this weather amirite have a fun weekend nevermind I don’t care about literally any of that“:

Anakin 1000% was the kind of kid who was like “where’d you go???? Obi-Wan???? OBI-WAN????????” and Obi-Wan was like “…for Force’s sake I’m just in the bathroom, Anakin!!!”

Reva tells him that the tracker worked, and Obi-Wan is on Jabiim. He’s pleased, and gives her a promotion for her trouble: she’s Grand Inquisitor now!

I love that this ridiculous pseudo-knighting ceremony is going on and only like 3 people in this room seem to notice or care. Maybe Vader’s constantly doing this. Maybe this is the 18th Grand Inquisitor they’ve had in as many weeks.

Vader’s not willing to wait one moment longer: they’re off to Jabiim!

The General Is In

Currently arriving on Jabiim are Obi-Wan and company. As they disembark, they see a large group of refugees/escapees — including the mom and son from Daiyu, and Haja as well. Obi-Wan is surprised to see him, and he explains:

Ha! He says that now he gets to really live the Jedi Experience. And…yeah, as we all well know, being a Jedi for the last 13-ish years or so has really sucked. Haja throws in there that at least this place is good for business, and Obi-Wan is exasperated.

Obi-Wan finds Roken and tells him that they need to get Leia out of there and back home. Roken says that all of these people need to get out; that some have been waiting for months. Now they have only a few hours to get them evacuated before their way out is not available anymore. Obi-Wan looks around and takes in all the desperate people, and says:

Look at him, all being a Jedi and helpful and handsome.

Roken tells everyone to get ready to head out, and then we cut back to Vader, and…OK. He is in hyperspace, and just standing there staring out the window DOING NOTHING. Like…it’s hyperspace. There isn’t even anything to LOOK AT, Anakin. Could you at least go ruminate about your ruined life WHILE you send some emails or hit up the vending machines for a snack or SOMETHING??

Reva tells Vader that they’re getting close to Jabiim. Vader tells her to lock down the facility, and Reva replies that if they do that, they could hold out in there for days. If they can’t break them —

Look, Anakin: He set you on fire; you set him on fire and murdered his whole family, destroyed his culture, and broke his heart so badly that he didn’t shower or sleep on a real bed for ten years. I think A) you already broke him, and B) you can AT LEAST call it “even”. But sure, you just keep at this Murder Quest.

While Vader gets back to thinking up sick puns to drop on Obi-Wan (I assume), we see Evil Lola on the prowl:

Oh no! We see her poking around some wires. That can’t be good.

Recurring Theme: We Cannot Live Together, We Cannot Live Apart

Obi-Wan takes a moment to think about his Tragic Backstory again, looking at still more of the Fleeing Jedi Yearbook signatures on the wall here…

Gonna go ahead and assume that at least one of these is filthy graffiti about Obi-Wan. And that Quinlan left it. He reads:

I am so emotional about all of this. He then looks over and sees lightsabers, presumably discarded by fleeing Jedi or taken from ones that didn’t make it. This entire show is just Ewan looking upset at things, which is EXACTLY what I asked for and I don’t know what to do with that.

He also picks up a discarded robe, but in fairness there’s like a 90% chance it’s just one of the roughly 6,000 he himself left laying around during the Clone Wars.

We see Evil Lola messing with some wires, and then Obi-Wan’s informed that the Imps are here: Reva must have tracked them!

Obi-Wan, of course, knows it’s not Reva, because his Other Half of a Single Warrior Alarm Bells are ringing:

Star Wars, stop MAKING ME hear him say “Vader”. I know; I know: he doesn’t wanna give away that they’re the same person AND it’s too painful to say his name. But still: he is “Anakin”, unless Obi-Wan’s being pettily bitchy, in which case he’s “Darth”.

Recurring Theme: I Raised That Little Shit Myself, I Know He Can’t Be Reasoned With

Everyone’s concerned that Vader’s gonna try to force a surrender, but Obi-Wan knows better, because he has years of experience with Anakin and also they have some kind of tragic brain thing linking them together.

LOL. You know, YES of course this is known to him because Obi-Wan and Vader have a deep connection, but also why in God’s name would ANYBODY who knows ANYTHING about Vader think he WOULD have patience for a siege? That guy chokes people to death for asking him to sign a coworker’s birthday card.

Buuuuut of course this is but a Prelude to a Flashback! Roken asks Obi-Wan how he knows this and, well, He Knows:

Yes, we’re back in the “Things Technically Had a Slight Chance of Not Being Horrible” part of the timeline, and Obi-Wan is back on his futile attempts to get Anakin to stop trying to murder everything with brute force. Well, obviously he failed in this regard, but also look at his hair. Soothes my soul.

Obi-Wan reminds Anakin that a Jedi’s job isn’t to kill people, and Anakin’s like “uhhh right but also anyways”:

Why are they making me see this? The back-to-back bit, again? Have I NOT suffered enough, Star Wars??

Anakin tells Obi-Wan that this is why Obi-Wan is going to lose, and then we’re sent back into The Darkest Timeline:

Staring out a window, AGAIN. Does Vader even actually HAVE a job? Is all the yelling and murdering he does just a thing he’d have done regardless? For fuck’s sake. I hope Sheev’s not paying him well.

Recurring Theme: Bossy-Wan

Obi-Wan clinks his glass and is like ATTENTION EVERYONE I AM IN CHARGE HERE I HAVE A PHD IN ANAKIN SKYWALKER: we can’t win against the Empire, but we CAN hold them off. If they can seal down the entrances and prepare accordingly:

Recurring Theme: They’ve Gone Up The Ventilation Shaft

So the Empire shows up, and blahblahblah they need to open the retractable ceiling here to get out, but it’s not working! SHOCKER.

Haja then MAKES MY DAY and terrifies me by asking:

Of fucking COURSE we have to go in the vents, because I JUST made this joke. HOW IS THIS HAPPENING. I can’t even quantify how many messages I’ve gotten from people being like “I THOUGHT OF YOU AS SOON AS HE SAID THE WORD “VENTS”” which is so touching and makes me laugh. Also, guys, I PROMISE I do not write for Star Wars. I have no experience in the entertainment industry whatsoever. My formal education is in practically the OPPOSITE of anything remotely close to writing for Hollywood. But now I am almost to the point where I’m like “should I start looking into this line of work, though?? They seem to like my angle on things…” WHAT IS GOING ON HERE.

So everyone starts bickering about how they can’t fit in the vents (which, OK, first time in Star Wars History that a full grown adult man HASN’T immediately hurled himself into a vent but all right), and that’s Leia’s cue to be like “bitches, get me a ladder, I’m going in.” Roken is not amused, but Obi-Wan — really, apparently, getting back into the swing of things — is like “nah let’s let Skywalker do something ridiculous because probably they know what they’re doing, maybe, I think”:

I want a high-quality action figure of every single New Obi-Wan Outfit we’ve gotten in this series. For real. Also THIS IS SO CUTE. He trusts her! Awww.

So Obi-Wan is like “shut up and get my girl a damn ladder!” LOL. He has refused her absolutely NOTHING in this show: hand-holding, material goods, he fixed her droid for her, and now he’s like “if she says she needs a ladder to go into a vent, then SHE IS GOING UP THAT LADDER DID I STUTTER???” This MAN and this FAMILY, I swear to GOD.

Roken relents, and Leia looks like she means business. Obi-Wan tells her to be careful, and she gives him a serious little nod followed by a brief, very affectionate smile and I am deceased.

Obi-Wan asks Haja to keep an eye on her, and he protests that he’s not a babysitter. I…don’t think anyone in this entire galaxy has ever WILLINGLY supervised a child, come to think of it. They pretty much always have it foisted upon them. Obi-Wan’s comm beeps, and he’s like “welp, too bad, because I’ve gotta run, buddy”.

Recurring Theme: Bail Organa, Best Person Ever

While Leia gets to work on the wires up in the vent (which are just a gigantic messy tangle), Obi-Wan goes to listen to his holo-voicemail. It’s from Bail! He says that Obi-Wan’s silence is concerning. He says that if Anakin has somehow managed to cobble together the ability to figure something out and has found Obi-Wan and discovered the truth about Luke and Leia…

So, basically, if Obi-Wan and Leia had been found out and/or killed, this man was prepared to leave Alderaan and head to the fucking desert to help Owen and Beru keep Luke safe. He was ready to do this even if his own DAUGHTER had just been murdered. I can’t. He’s such a good guy! I am just going to pretend that he wasn’t actually on Alderaan the day it blew up. Yep. He’s fine.

Obi-Wan looks moved and upset by this, as well he should.

Tala walks in and is like “dude, everything good?” and Obi-Wan replies that it will be, and then pretty much grimaces. She looks at him considerately, and then relates a story: she was Just Following Orders back in her Imperial days, and ended up being party to the deaths of several Force-sensitive families:

Because she couldn’t save those people, she says, now she does this. She can’t fix what happened, but she keeps a tally of all the people she’s helped find safety. She tells Obi-Wan he was right: there are some things you can’t forget…

Yeah, Obes! Get back on that horse! Who knows WHAT emotional damage you’re missing out on by sitting on the sidelines!

Obi-Wan looks Thoughtful, but his therapy session is cut short by Roken saying that they’re in trouble: the Empire is blasting away at one of the doors, and it may not hold.

Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Negotiator

Everyone’s scrambling to figure out their next move, and Obi-Wan decides it’s time to dust off the old tactics:

He says he’ll try to buy them as much time as he can.

Reva is informed that Obi-Wan is looking for an audience with her, and she has this expression of like, “of fucking course he wants to negotiate”. Reva, you see, knows a lot more about our friends than we initially thought!

She approaches the door, and Obi-Wan stands on the other side. He reaches out with the Force, and she tells him that if he’s stalling for time, it won’t work. She adds that “Lord Vader will have [him] at any cost”, and I am not touching that one, but yes: I am sure Anakin is very committed to having him.

Obi-Wan hurts me:

Turns out this isn’t JUST Obi-Wan looking for an excuse to do his favorite thing ever and say Anakin’s name, but also an effort to figure out what Reva’s deal is. He points out that she knows Vader and Anakin are the same person, but HOW did she know that? Vader’s not gonna be out there broadcasting this information, and Reva’s too young to have known him in the pre-Vader days. Unless…

Obi-Wan’s eyes widen as he realizes:

Recurring Theme: Tragic Backstory

Reva is like LA LA LA LA I DON’T WANNA TALK ABOUT THIS, and honestly? Same, Reva. MUST WE DISCUSS ORDER 66 AGAIN?? She snaps: it doesn’t matter where she was! Obi-Wan continues: the night of Order 66, she was a youngling! She saw Anakin murder the others! Reva starts yelling at him to stop. YEAH OBI-WAN: she doesn’t wanna wallow in her Tragic Backstory! SOME people dusted themselves off, buried their trauma and went on a mission of murderous vengeance instead of crying in a cave for a decade.

It’s no use, though, because this triggers a flashback of sorts, and OH GOOD, we get to watch Anakin murder children AGAIN:

It had been entire HOURS of content since we were last made to relive this, so I suppose we were due. ANAKIN NO.

Reva tells Obi-Wan that they thought Anakin had been coming to help them. She tried to help the others, but she couldn’t. She survived by playing dead, lying next to her dead friends. THIS IS SO AWFUL; I HATE IT. Anakin HOW COULD YOU???

Obi-Wan looks like he’s in physical pain at having to hear this story, and honestly? Same.

At this very upsetting trip down Memory Lane, Obi-Wan has a revelation: Reva’s not SERVING Anakin…

Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Loves Anakin

Obi-Wan makes her an offer: let him help her, then! She snarls: why would she ever trust him? Obi-Wan is like “uhhh because we’re both after the same thing?” and BOY OH BOY does Reva have this guy’s number, because in response she’s like OH REALLY, DO WE THOUGH???

Obi-Wan…well, let us just say that he doesn’t exactly give her an immediate, enthusiastic “yes” here. He looks pretty upset:

I mean, you already thought you killed him once, Obes, why not do it a second time?

Reva then berates him: where the fuck WERE you?! When Anakin was murdering people, what the hell were YOU doing? He was YOUR Padawan! I love this because it is Upsetting and Sad and Emotional BUT also because Anakin was a grown man who had not been a Padawan for years by the time Order 66 happened, and Reva is making it sound like Obi-Wan was still supposed to be keeping an eye on him. I’ve joked for years that this is what happens when Obi-Wan leaves for 3 hours, and it seems that Reva agrees with me. WAY TO GO OBI-WAN. You didn’t spring for a sitter when you left for Utapau and now it’s all this.

LEAVE HIM ALONE HE HAS TO LIVE IN A CAVE, REVA.

She tells him to piss off: she doesn’t need his help, or anyone’s. He counters that she can’t take him alone. She spits back that he has no idea what she’s managed alone, and then shoves the blade of her saber through the door to dismantle the bar holding it shut. The doors open, and she makes to charge in, but Obi-Wan Force-pushes her straight back. From there, all hell breaks loose:

Recurring Theme: Leia Organa, Sick of You

The families get pushed further back into their hideout as they try to fight, and then flee, the Imperials. Haja tells Leia that they need to get a move on, and she has about as much time for this guy as she ever has for anybody:

While Leia tries to get things repaired, everyone else is running for their lives. And, unfortunately, things don’t end well for Tala or NED-B. They both get seriously wounded, and Tala realizes it’s over — so she yells at Obi-Wan to go (giving Ewan the chance to give us a “NOOOOO!” once more), and she busts out a thermal detonator, forcing the Imps to retreat in the other direction as she sets it off:

Everyone else scrambles to (relative) safety, and Obi-Wan looks like he’s either going to barf or have a Force Attack again. Which almost certainly means he’s thinking about Anakin. And wouldn’t you know? Looks like sooooooomebody’s got him on the brain, too! SHOCKING.

Vader is told that they’ve breached the first wall, and that they’ll have Obi-Wan soon. Vader’s like “this one’s mine”:

The guy is like “excuse me??” and Vader smugly says that Obi-Wan is already theirs. Sure dude. Lemme know how that works out.

You’re The Only One Who Really Knew Me At All

This, of course, triggers a return to Sassy Playfight Time, where the boys are still going at it.

I am SO unable to cope with having these images available to me now. HOW IS THIS REAL. They made this show? And there are flashbacks?? And sadness?? And wistful pining?? I’ve liked a lot of things post-Disney buyout (and been meh on or disliked some other things), but this is like…everything I’ve asked for, INCLUDING the stuff I asked for IN JEST because I NEVER thought they’d do it. And of all the shows to choose to give me everything I could have wanted in! THE OBI-WAN SHOW. My gosh. I’m overwhelmed.

So they continue to spar, and Anakin is doing his usual Rage Mode and wailing on Obi-Wan.

The choreography for this whole thing is so, so fun. They really went back and paid attention to how these characters moved in the previous content and it’s just…that’s them! Looks like them, moves like them, breaks my heart like them. Bless.

We snap out of this bit and back to Obi-Wan, who looks traumatized:

Look, Obi-Wan, if it’s THAT upsetting to think about Anakin then maybe STOP DOING IT ALL DAY EVERY DAY. The next time you feel the urge to remember his face, just chew a stick of gum or something.

Roken is like “Ohhhhkay, what the hell is wrong with you NOW?” and Obi-Wan says that’s it’s over: he’s going back! Roken is flabbergasted and tells him he can’t just up and quit: they’ve all worked so hard, and if he leaves then Tala died for nothing! Obi-Wan insists that Vader just wants him, which, no argument here, Kenobes. You are correct.

Haja is like “so what, you’re gonna fight him?” Obi-Wan explains that Vader expects him to surrender, because Vader knows that Obi-Wan is good and caring and not a murderous cyborg, so he’ll do anything he can to protect these innocent people. Haja is like “OK well, if you go to fight him, you’ll be on your own”, to which Obi-Wan replies that he won’t be (awww!), and hands Haja his weapons and his comm.

Roken is like “OK exactly how much head trauma DID you experience in the Clone Wars?”:

Ah, but Roken, you forget! Obi-Wan has the only weapon he needs: his sexuality!

I mean, you can’t tell me he’s not at LEAST keeping that option ON THE TABLE. You never know. Vader would probably never see it coming and be powerless against it. (Sorry.) Yes yes: Obi-Wan’s gonna try to weasel his way out of this one through other means.

Recurring Theme: Anakin Loves Obi-Wan

He turns himself over to the baddies, and Reva does some Smug Grandstanding: ah ha! Everyone go tell Vader the good news: Kenobi is ours! Soon Vader’ll be here, and Obi-Wan’ll be dead. Huzzah!

Obi-Wan pulls out the trick he’s got up his voluminous sleeve:

Reva sizes him up, and gets closer as Obi-Wan explains: there are families back there, with children! Is Reva gonna just stand back and let Anakin do it again? (OH WHY STAR WARS.)

Well this sure is a fun lil twist on the whole Join Me Recruitment Speech! And for once it’s in service of STOPPING a murderous rampage.

Reva is unconvinced: what makes Obi-Wan so sure Anakin won’t see it coming? And DEAR LORD, Obi-Wan’s reply is AMAZING:

AHHHHHHHHHH. Wow. Just. Wow! Wow. I have no words.

Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, Trying to Make The Honor Roll

Reva looks at him thoughtfully, and then walks away without a word. Obi-Wan is carried off by some troopers, and then we’re right back into Flashback Territory.

The sparring continues, and eventually Anakin manages to knock the weapon right out of Obi-Wan’s hand. He is feeling PRET-TY good about himself: he’s like TA DA!!! Your weapon is gone!!! Looks like I am the winner and also the cutest!!! And just. Guys. He’s so smiley????

Well this is pretty much the complete inverse of the LAST time I had to watch these two fight, so. I guess I know they had at least one fun afternoon one time.

Obi-Wan is like “not so fast”:

OK, look Kenobes: you’re right, AND I know your job is to teach him. BUT LOOK AT HIM. He wants a gold star sticker and an “A” SO BADLY. JUST TELL HIM HE’S GOOD.

Anakin’s face completely falls at this. OBI-WAN. SAD PUPPY DOG FACE. HOW CAN YOU RESIST IT.

Recurring Theme: The Skywalkers, Experts In Droid Repair

With that, we’re sent back to the present day, with Vader stalking up to Reva and demanding:

She tells him that she’s got him secured in the back, and Vader is all “gimme gimme gimme, I’ll go get him myself”. At the same time, we see Obi-Wan making a break for it, and Leia still hard at work at fixing the whole escape situation. Evil Lola makes her presence known, and she and Leia have a brief tussle before Leia spies what’s making Lola go nuts: a restraining bolt, which Leia removes:

Man, if only it were this easy to de-evilize everyone in this series. Obi-Wan could just stick a paper clip into a port on Vader’s chest and do a hard reset and the galaxy would be saved.

Vader discovers a pile of dead troopers and no Obi-Wan, and he marches off with purpose while Reva watches warily from outside.

Leia fixes the retractable dome, making it possible for them all to escape now. Good going, girl!

It Finally Happened

So many THINGS are in this EPISODE MY GOD. So everyone’s hustling to flee, and Obi-Wan makes his way back to the group. Roken tells him everything’s all set, and Obes? He’s got someone to go see:

OBI-WAN GOT A HUG. I have waited MORE THAN 30 YEARS FOR HIM TO GET A HUG AND HE GOT ONE. AND IT WAS FROM BABY LEIA!! Oh my WORD.

Also, Obi-Wan told her she did a good job, so, take THAT, Anakin. This makes it even BETTER.

He gives her the bad news about Tala, and we see Haja drop Obi-Wan’s comm in the rush to get everyone out.

Everyone boards the transport, and as they’re pulling away, Vader shows up. THIS IS SO FUNNY:

Yes, the Extra Bastard is pulling a ship down with the Force. He grounds it, and starts tearing it apart, only to find it empty…and just in time to watch the ACTUAL getaway vehicle fly off:

Hahahahahahaha. Oh, Anakin. He got you GOOD.

Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Loves Anakin

Tiiiiime for more flashbackery! Obi-Wan fights Anakin without a weapon, and then waits until the right moment to Force-snatch Anakin’s lightsaber away. Submitted for your approval, Anakin’s Butt:

So Obi-Wan is like YOINK, and Anakin looks Bummed. But his day is about to get slightly better, because here comes Obi-Wan with his face and niceness and That One Chunk of His Hair:

Oh he’ll get RIGHT ON fixing THAT, Kenobi, don’t you worry.

He tells Anakin that until he can get a handle on this, he’ll remain a Padawan. Anakin is Sad:

…but Obi-Wan loves him and is proud!

He pats him on the shoulder, Anakin looks thoughtful, and they presumably hit the showers. Ahem. (What?)

Recurring Theme: Somebody Gets Mauled

Back in the present, Vader just stands there fuming. LOL. Good.

Reva creeps up behind him, ready to strike, but unfortunately Vader for the first time ever has figured something out (he WAS due, I suppose), and he’s on to her.

Again: nearly every single thing he says about Obi-Wan IS STILL A COMPLIMENT. This isn’t even the first time he’s called him “wise” AS VADER, IN CANON.

She attempts to attack him, but he just swats her away with ease, before grabbing her lightsaber. Hey, that’s a cool move! Wonder where he got that one from! He snaps it in half, and throws one half to her.

Now now, Anakin. I’m sure Obi-Wan ALSO taught you that it’s not polite to play with your food like this.

He bests her easily, and as she has flashbacks to Order 66 (AGAIN, WHY), she becomes the latest person to get Mauled:

Recurring Theme: I Was Too Angry To Die

He takes some time to taunt her:

Well SOR-RY, Skywalker, maybe it’s just that she was basing her assumptions off of how COLOSSALLY CLUELESS you have been at various points in the past. It took you 13 years to figure out Palpatine was a Sith Lord despite hanging out with him all the damn time and him TELLING YOU A SITH LEGEND.

You’ll never guess who shows up to this party next:

LOL. Yes, you didn’t REALLY think a dead person would be dead just because they died, did you? That’s not how we do things in Star Wars.

Boy oh boy don’t we know it. TWO separate people, canonically, have managed to cling to life long enough to be revived JUST by being angry enough at Obi-Wan to power through, despite small issues like being bisected and falling a great distance or being limbless and on actual fire.

So yes: the Grand Inquisitor is here to gloat, and he tells Reva they’re going to leave her in the gutter, just like where they found her.

AND THEN — with Reva still not entirely dead — THEY JUST WALK AWAY. ANAKIN. ANAKIN YOU KNOW HOW THIS SONG AND DANCE GOES WHY ARE YOU LEAVING?? GRAND INQUISITOR YOU LITERALLY JUST SAID REVENGE IS GOOD FOR THE WILL TO LIVE. Oh my God. STAR WARS WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS.

Recurring Theme: Of Course It Fucking Is

We cut to the escape transport, and Roken sits down next to Obi-Wan and gives him an update on the state of their ship. You will be completely shocked and astounded to hear that a certain part of their ship isn’t functioning properly. Anyone wanna place a bet?

Does ANYBODY in the entire godforsaken UNIVERSE own a reliable hyperdrive???? MY GOD. Someone needs to look into the manufacturers of these things. This is like, class action lawsuit time here, people. THIS SHOULD NOT BE HAPPENING SO OFTEN.

Roken tells Obi-Wan that the Imperials are behind them, and Obi-Wan makes a very very very tired face of “well, shit”.

Back on Jabiim, we’re in for yet another Totally Not At All Surprising Thing. Guess who isn’t dead yet?

Yes, of course Reva’s not dead. Anakin, once again: you are the laziest. She spots the comm that Haja dropped, and as she does, Obi-Wan senses Something Bad on the horizon.

Reva crawls over to the comm, which has gotten trampled but works well enough for her to hear Bail’s voice mention something about children and Tatooine. Way to not delete your voicemails, Obes! She looks intrigued:

She hears a snippet of the word “Owen”, and her face shows recognition. Uh oh. Well, this seems…bad.

Somehow I’ve Always Known

Obi-Wan looks TERRIFIED. He also looks totally exhausted. THIS POOR MAN. He looks over at Leia, panic setting in:

Leia looks at him like she’s unknowingly trying to pick up on whatever he’s putting out into the Force, and seems concerned. Now is a good time for me to remind myself that Leia and Luke lived long, happy lives in peace and prosperity and nobody got Space Divorced or Mauled By Their Evil Son or Killed While Skyping Themselves Across Space. Nope. Not at all.

Obi-Wan tries to brush it all off:

He stares ahead for a long while longer, deeply concerned. Then, finally, the last thing we see in this episode is the Lars Homestead on Tatooine, and this wee little peanut tucked safely in his bed:

NOOOOOOO everyone keep your mitts off Baby Luke!!!

And so on that very foreboding note, that is a wrap on this installment of Well At Least Someone Gave Obi-Wan a Hug. We’ve nearly reached the conclusion of this series, and I am absolutely not ready for the finale, but also have never been MORE ready for anything in my life. I am gleefully anticipating what is sure to be an emotional gut-punch of a final boss battle. I’ll see you all back here for the conclusion! Thanks for joining me!

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Recurring Themes and More

Ahsoka Tano Anakin Is The Worst Employee I Swear to God Anakin Loves Ahsoka Anakin Loves Obi-Wan Anakin Loves Padme Anakin Loves Palpatine Anakin Skywalker - Human Lightning Rod Anakin Skywalker and His Life of Bad Choices Asajj Ventress Bad Ideas of the Jedi Bail Loves Obi-Wan Bail Organa Beru Whitesun Bo-Katan Kryze Boba Fett Bounty Hunters Cad Bane Carnelion IV Chewbacca Count Dooku Crappy Destiny Crystal Quest Dagobah Darksaber Dark Side Foreshadow Darth Sidious Darth Sidious Makes a Guest Appearance as Himself Darth Vader Darth Vader Screws Himself Over Electrocution Enough of That Old Trauma Let's Start Experiencing Some New Trauma Faked Death Force Vision Quest General Grievous Geonosis Han Loves Leia Han Solo Holocrons with the Jedi Order's Famous Chili Recipe Hondo Ohnaka I'm More Powerful Than All of You I'm No Jedi I'm Suing This Show For Pain and Suffering I Am a Jedi Jabba the Hutt Jedi Kids Kolara Leia Organa Luke Loves Obi-Wan Luke Skywalker Luke Skywalker's Neverending Personal Destiny Quests Mace Windu Mandalore Martini Drinking Maul More Bummers Brought to You By Anakin Skywalker Mother Pran Mustafar My Ridiculously Circuitous Plan is One-Quarter Complete No One Can See Me With My Hood On Obi-Wan's Life is the Worst Obi-Wan and Anakin Need Marriage Counseling Obi-Wan Brings People Together Obi-Wan Earns That Paycheck Obi-Wan Loves Anakin Obi-Wan Loves Luke Obi-Wan McSassypants and the Angry One Oblivious to the Obvious One More Thing For Obi-Wan To Discuss with His Therapist Ostentaciousness Is Our Speciality Owen Lars Padme Amidala Padme Loves Anakin Palpatine Strikes Again Pre Vizsla Qui-Gon Jinn Revenge of Revenge of the Sith Rex Ridiculous Complexity Sana Starros Satine Kryze Savage Oppress Secret History Reveal Sithtacular Sithtacular Tarkin Tatooine The Beginning of the End Again The Dark Side Stole My Boyfriend The Dark Times The Death Watch Is Not A Shitty Band The Jedi Council's Greatest Hits The Unbearable Sadness of Obi-Wan This Show Is Insane Tragic Backstory Tuskens Undercover Why Are You Doing This To Me Filoni Haven't I Suffered Enough Why Knock When You Can Just Badass Your Way In Wistful Sunset Gazing Yoda You Can Kill Pretty Much Anyone Except Maul

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