Obi-Wan Kenobi, Season 1, Episode 2: Part II
The scariest thing about this series is that with every episode, I’ve been like “oh NO this is THE SADDEST THING EVER I’M SO UPSET FOR OBI-WAN OH GOD HOW AM I GONNA RECAP THIS???” and then, somehow, the next episode is EVEN WORSE. Star Wars really outdid themselves this time, and I’m honestly trying very hard not to jump to conclusions about who from Lucasfilm spent time reading my blog, and then just turned its contents into a to-do list. I feel seen, and terrified.
I’m not going to be the only one who’s scared in today’s installment, either: this time, we’ll follow Sad Desert Hobo Obi-Wan (Hobi-Wan? I was going to say I’m surprised I haven’t seen that one more lately, but then I realized it sounds the same as Ho-bi-wan, a name I have ABSOLUTELY seen applied to Obi-Wan many times.😅 What can I say? Our slutty hobo contains multitudes.)
OK! Last time, on Somebody For The Love of God Get Obi-Wan Some Zoloft, wee tiny Princess Leia got kidnapped as part of Inquisitor Reva’s plan to lure Obi-Wan out of the shadows. She is doing this specifically in an effort to get on Anakin’s good side, which in true Star Wars fashion is both heartbreaking and objectively hilarious. These two old men are so insane about each other, it’s unreal.
Bail had reached out to Obi-Wan to basically bully him into agreeing to rescue Leia from her captors, and Obi-Wan had reacted by looking like he was going to cry, making excuses, and then looking like he was so frightened that he was going to barf. Obi-Wan…is not quite at his Clone Wars Peak, let’s just put it that way. It’s almost like the love of his life ripped his heart out and stomped on it and shredded it to pieces in front of him or something. Hmm.
Obi-Wan had ultimately acquiesced, and this prompted him to make a journey out to the middle of the desert to exhume a grave — his own grave, as it turned out, which he also shared with Anakin, because he had BURIED THEIR LIGHTSABERS TOGETHER IN THE DESERT. I can think of few things that are less OK than this, but rest assured all of them are in this series. I am genuinely afraid of what the next few weeks hold for us all.
All right then: we good? We ready to suffer? You know it! Watch your head and step as you enter, and pull down on the lap bar in front of you. Here we go!
Obi-Wan Kenobi, Unparented
Obi-Wan arrives on Daiyu, and he’s wandering around the spaceport like a confused old grandpa. He approaches someone to ask about the location of the ship he’s been tracking:
The guy scoffs, telling him that here on Daiyu, no tracking info gets in or out.
So, with no leads to go on, Obi-Wan just starts walking and observing things, and then he asks someone else for help:
Qui-Gon unsurprisingly continues to be a dick by not showing up. Come on, Qui. Stop being a deadbeat dead dad and HELP HIM.
Just Pile It On, Star Wars
Instead of Qui-Gon piping up from the Great Beyond, someone else decides to traumatize Obi-Wan by asking for spare change:
Yes, it’s a…familiar face all right:
TEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aggghhhhhhhh, this is so upsetting. One sec, I’m just gonna add this to the list of things that will be included in the forthcoming class action lawsuit against the actors, writers, director, caterers, robe seamstresses, prop guys, Star Wars Hair wranglers, producers, The Volume, Jon Favreau and Dave Filoni even though they didn’t work on this because I feel like they’re guilty by association, interns, all other crew involved with this show, Walt Disney’s frozen head, Kathleen Kennedy AND George Lucas that I will be filing as soon as this series is done airing. You guys can get in on it if you want to. I feel like our suffering needs to be compensated for.
The clone vet prompts Obi-Wan:
Obi-Wan is just as fine with all of this as I am:
He looks like he’s SEEN A GHOST, which he kind of has. God. Kill me.
Without a word, Obi-Wan tosses some credits his way, then walks off before he can have a full-blown nervous breakdown (again, still.)
Recurring Theme: It’s a Family Affair
Obes makes his way through the crowd, and runs into Ewan’s actual daughter, who becomes the third member of her family to appear in Star Wars and also tries to sell her dad some drugs.
Ewan hinted at doing a scene with a family member last summer when they were filming, and it amused me ENDLESSLY that him saying something along the lines of “getting to be in a scene with someone important to me” immediately prompted a bunch of internet nerds to be like “he must mean SATINE! QUI-GON! ANAKIN!!!” as though Ewan would be referring to imaginary people who are important to OBI-WAN in his regular life. I mean, the guy’s committed to the role, I know, but still. Chill, people.
Obi-Wan declines the opportunity to get high (though honestly I feel like if anyone needs to get blitzed out of his mind right now, it’s Obi-Wan), and says he’d rather get some information: he’s looking for his, uh, daughter:
She replies that if his daughter’s here, he’s never gonna see her again — nobody leaves this place!
I guess Obi-Wan’s given up his anti-drug campaign from the Attack of the Clones days, since he makes no effort to mind-trick her into rethinking her life.
Recurring Theme: The Swindlers of Star Wars
She leaves, and Obi-Wan is summoned by a voice behind him:
Ah, yes, a Totally Legit Jedi is on this planet! And this kid can take Obi-Wan to him…
With that, we cut to Kumail Nanjiani, who plays a con man named Haja. His scheme? Fake Jedi-for-Hire.
He’s currently using his “powers” to assist a woman and her Force-sensitive son in getting off-planet, while Obi-Wan creeps on them:
He goes through this whole ridiculous routine, and the mom buys it hook, line, and sinker.
He “humbly” accepts their payment for his selfless kind act of Totally Providing Jedi Assistance that will help them leave this place:
I don’t have proof (yet), but I am one million percent sure this scam was started by Hondo Ohnaka.
The family leaves, and Obi-Wan moves in on this guy, hiding his pissed-offedness at this abuse of the Jedi name:
Haja gets back into character:
Haja explains that he can help Obi-Wan find the girl he’s looking for — all he asks is a small amount of compensation. The light is unforgiving, you see, so it’ll be 500 to locate her, and 300 to take Obi-Wan to her.
Obes is slowly but surely reawakening his sass:
Haja, still unaware he’s been caught, insists that this is actually the deal of the century.
This guy just keeps on digging his own grave, hahaha. He asks Obi-Wan what he knows of the Force, and instead of answering with the correct answer (“that the Force seems to enjoy hurting me, personally, for unclear reasons”), Obi-Wan counters that he knows that this whole dog and pony show is just a lot of magnets and remotes.
Haja protests that he knows how this must look, as Obi-Wan pulls a gun on him —
If this guy isn’t in a Discord server or group text with Hondo, I will eat my hat.
If Obi-Wan Kenobi was ever this disappointed in me, I would simply die on the spot.
Haja promises Obi-Wan that he’ll help him find who he’s looking for, and swears that he can be trusted. He tells Obi-Wan that if he’s REALLY looking to find the seamiest of the seamy underbelly of Daiyu, he’s gonna need to go to a particular place…
So: who had “Obi-Wan Kenobi sneaking into a meth lab” on their Star Wars 2022 Bingo Card? Hmm? Yes, that’s what’s happening now. Obi-Wan follows one of the, er, scientists? from this place, and presumably off-screen kills or otherwise neutralizes this guy and steals his outfit.
The things we do for love, man. Anakin better be on his BEST DAMN BEHAVIOR as a Force Ghost. He owes this man SO MUCH.
Obi-Wan mills around for a bit, and eventually draws suspicion. He’s confronted, and asked what he’s doing here:
Don’t worry, Obes. I bet you’ll find it. 🥺 I love him so much.
Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Takes a Beating
Then, suddenly, it’s like the Clone Wars all over again, because Obi-Wan’s brawling and getting the snot beat out of him:
Now we just need Anakin to get over here and be repeatedly electrocuted and this will well and truly be just like Old Times.
But, as is often the case, Obes rallies and starts kicking some ass:
He gets in this guy’s ear:
I appreciate that this isn’t NOT sexual. Obi-Wan really is getting back to his old self. Soon enough he’ll be winking and flirting with his adversaries again. I’m sure Anakin, now a bad guy himself, will hate that. 🙄
Recurring Theme: Brawler-Wan
AHHHHHHHH. Obi-Wan now makes his way into a cell, and crouches down at what he thinks is Leia, but turns out to be a fake-out. Immediately after he realizes this, Leia’s kidnappers advance on him. “Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers Dupes Obi-Wan Kenobi” is also something I did not have on my list of expectations for this Star Wars Content Year.
I love that Reva figured Obi-Wan out but Vader didn’t. Oh Anakin. So pretty. So evil. So dumb sometimes. I guess Obi-Wan got custody of their single shared brain cell in the divorce.
Obi-Wan asks him where Leia is, and he’s like pfft! Doesn’t matter! Reva’s gonna be here soon and then you’ll be dead!
EVERYONE PLEASE STOP BULLYING MY DEPRESSED ELDERLY BOYFRIEND. He is sad and unshowered and I love him.
Obi-Wan concedes that “everybody bleeds”, and then busts open a chemical powder/Space Meth of some sort all over the room, donning a face mask (how thoughtful for these Pandemic Times) and immobilizing the kidnappers:
Recurring Theme: The Same As Your Father
Obes walks over to a different cell, and places his hand on the door for a moment. Since obviously nobody told him where Leia was, does this imply he was seeking her in the Force? Oh no. 😭
Yes, it’s time: Obi-Wan and Leia, together for the first time since he was the first person to ever hold her when she was born. Gonna be heartwarming! Emotional! Touching and sweet!
LOL. Yes, the first thing she does is sock him, hard, right in the gut. This is very very VERY on-brand, AND almost certainly provided the extra assurance to Obi-Wan that he had indeed found the right cell. Of course the first thing Anakin’s child is gonna do is punch him. Of course.
He attempts to calm her down, and just how the hell am I supposed to be OK after this? Look at them! OBI-WAN AND LEIA ARE GONNA HAVE AN ADVENTURE TOGETHER. I’ve always felt bad for her because she seemed to have the same Kenobi Madness as the rest of her blood relations, but she never got to spend any time with him before he let Anakin murder him as a courtesy. But she did! She’s gonna get some primo Uncle Time with him. I love it. I LOVE it. I LOVE IT. (This also makes the fact that she named her son Ben something I can actually like, and not feel pure white hot Nerd Rage over instead. Anything that can make me find things to enjoy about The Force Awakens, my least favorite Star War, is always welcome.)
LOOK AT HIS FACE. He’s definitely cool with being face-to-face with her. Look how normal he is about it. Me too, Obes.
Leia is dubious about Obi-Wan’s whole rescue story, but he takes her hand and she doesn’t stop him and this is ALSO going in my class action lawsuit.
They flee the meth lab and head out into the city. Reva arrives, and she’s pissed when she takes in the scene:
Recurring Theme: I Saw Your Laser Sword
Obi-Wan pulls off his cloak and tells Leia they both need to change.
Leia pulls a move straight from Baby Anakin’s playbook, and realizes the old weirdo in her midst is a Jedi when she spots his lightsaber:
He doesn’t confirm or deny, just tells her to be quiet. LOL. He really IS getting back into the swing of things, and he’s only been near Skywalker DNA for 4 minutes.
Recurring Theme: Hilarity Thy Name Is Star Wars
Leia IS THE FUNNIEST PERSON EVER:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. OK, look: I know I was just saying that everyone should stop bullying him, but I think Leia should be allowed to. I make the rules around here. LEIA HOW COULD YOU. 😂 He’s “beat up” because your nightmare of a family HAS PUT HIM THROUGH THE WRINGER.
In response, Obi-Wan rolls his eyes and sort of looks like he’s calling on the Force to sustain him, but also? Don’t lie, Obi-Wan. We all know you love it when they’re giant brats. HA HA, YOU LOVE THEM. How embarrassing for you.
He tells Leia they need to make their way to a spaceport, and she makes to head off with confidence, before almost running into a space monster and stopping in her tracks. Obi-Wan lectures:
Yeah, Leia! He had to put on a different shirt (not to be confused with a “CLEAN shirt”) and everything! He had coupons to clip! Crying to do! Daytime TV shows to watch! You’re making him miss his soaps, Leia!
Guys, he’s already bossing her in that particular tone of voice. Old Ben can complain all he wants, but I know he is having the TIME of his LIFE right now. Bossing a Skywalker around and pretending to be very put out by it is his all-time favorite hobby! Anakin is gonna be so jealous of Leia he’s gonna die. Leia nods her understanding and Obi-Wan takes her hand again. 🥺
Recurring Theme: Evil Team Meeting
The Grand Inquisitor is here, and he is Not Happy:
Reva gives zero fucks:
In the time-honored Bad Guys of Star Wars Tradition, he decides he’s going take credit for Reva’s work. She’s a loose cannon! She’s off the case!
Reva, once again, is like “…’k. Fuck around and find out”, looking unimpressed as he leaves.
Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, World’s Handsomest Fugutive
Undeterred, Reva continues to insist that her bounty hunters pursue Obi-Wan, pushing out a wanted poster of sorts:
They used his old Jedi ID photo! God, this is back when he still had access to shampoo and the will to live. My poor baby. I hope this series ends with him taking a full week at a spa on Alderaan before he heads back to the desert.
Reva instructs them to send out a push notification to all of Daiyu containing this BOLO alert for Obi-Wan. Back on the streets of Daiyu, Obi-Wan looks like he’s got a bad feeling about this, and with good cause, because he’s Daiyu’s top trending Twitter topic (hashtagged, I assume, #FindTheDILF):
He sees his face popping up everywhere, and slumps as though somehow he’s found a way for MORE of his spirit to be physically leaving his body. He ushers Leia over to a clothing vendor so they can switch into a New Look.
Recurring Theme: Anything For You
Leia immediately locks on to the most sparkly, ostentatious outfit available, because OF COURSE SHE DOES, and I die:
I am LIVING for the fact that she locked onto something that looks extremely reminiscent of traditional Polish embroidered clothing:
We need more of it in Star Wars.
Obi-Wan rebuffs her, because the last thing he needs is Leia wearing some bedazzled ensemble while they’re trying to be stealth. He motions towards a dark green cape, and tells her to put it on, and this leads into what is maybe my favorite thing that has EVER HAPPENED in Star Wars, and that is SAYING SOMETHING.
Obi-Wan, a SUCKER, goes to pay:
Leia continues shopping, picking up a pair of gloves. Obi-Wan chides:
I need you to understand that what makes what happens next SO much funnier is that Leia does not even REMOTELY acknowledge Obi-Wan here. She just tra-la-laaaaas, continuing to put the gloves on with only the briefest of glances in his direction. It’s like on some subatomic level she KNOWS this man has a compulsion to spoil her, and she is not even going to waste time pretending otherwise. The Force was probably sending her the equivalent of “LOL don’t sweat it girl, you’ve already got this man permanently wrapped around your pinky finger.”
Obi-Wan, SECONDS later, turns back to the merchant:
YOU HOPELESS HOPELESS MAN. Obi-Wan, you have a problem. I get it. I love Anakin, too. Man, in an alternate universe where Anakin kept his shit together, Obi-Wan would have had to get a second job, because I’m guessing being a Jedi wouldn’t have paid well enough to sustain the RIDICULOUS amount of spoiling he would have done for Luke and Leia. (“Well, you don’t understand, exactly,” he says sheepishly to a skeptical Padme as he brings the latest haul in with a wheelbarrow. “They even said please and they were well-behaved this time. Mostly.”)
Recurring Theme: Stop, Leia, He’s Already Dead
Good grief, this part. OK, so Obi-Wan gives her their cover story for this clandestine operation:
Leia mutters under her breath:
LEIA ORGANA. He is only, what? 38 years older than you?? I am dying. Obi-Wan is like “excuse??????”
LEIA. He only looks the way he does because of YOU PEOPLE AND YOUR PROBLEMS. Look at her FACE. She is such a little shit and I am SO HERE FOR IT.
Leia, even though she was still a hostage like 15 minutes ago, is unfazed and super excited to be out and about, taking in the bustling activity on Daiyu. She smells some food from a street vendor and asks Obi-Wan if he smells it too, leading to Obi-Wan’s hilarious reply:
You KNOW that if they’d been in anything less than a life-threatening situation, he would have bought her all the street snacks.
Recurring Theme: Leia Organa, Has Your Number
Leia is Very Interested in knowing more about Obi-Wan, which is extremely relatable. She asks:
Oh, I dunno, Leia, maybe because the last time he used it it was to CUT OFF YOU BIOLOGICAL FATHER’S ARM AND LEGS??? Maybe because it’s spent possibly a decade buried in the desert and it needs a LOT of recalibration? Maybe because he is SAD and can’t HANDLE it because his LIFE is the WORST????
Obi-Wan just looks upset for the billionth time, and she goes on:
I love that Leia is just really going for the kill here. LEIA YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE HIM CRY AND I LOVE YOU FOR IT.
Obi-Wan says absolutely nothing in response to any of this. I hope he gets to knee Qui-Gon in the balls when he gets to the afterlife, just once, as a treat.
Leia has a request:
Obi-Wan is like “????” and she smiles, twirling: she wants to float! OBI-WAN MAKE HER FLOAT YOU KNOW YOU WANNA.
He tells her no, and she sasses back: pfft, because you can’t, loser. LOL. Obi-Wan is not amused:
Recurring Theme: An Obes By Any Other Name
Leia notes that Obi-Wan hasn’t even told her his name yet, and he says his name is Ben, which leads to this reaction:
IT SURE ISN’T, which is why your loser son who ruined everything AGAIN eventually got this name, I guess, LEIA. Hmph. (YES I KNOW he “redeems” himself later, but if I can drag Anakin — whom I love with my whole heart — all the livelong day, I’m absolutely also gonna drag Kylo’s ass.)
Obi-Wan snaps back: WELL, that’s my name, so deal with it. He tells her she’ll need to learn to trust him, and she? Is not having it. How can she trust him, when she knows he’s hiding something? Ooooooooh she’s got your number Uncle Obi-Wan!!
She tells him that he thinks the less he says, the less he reveals about himself:
Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Owed Many Thousands of Credits for Babysitting
Obi-Wan is exasperated, and wonders how this little peanut is just reading into his damn soul:
I know this was a rhetorical question, but also? You know exactly how damn old she is, Obes, because you were there on the day she was born. 😭
He tells her that she doesn’t sound like a ten year old, and she is thrilled about this, and thanks him. Aww. I love.
Back in Haja’s…office? I guess?, he’s getting the news about the high-value target that had just walked into his office not that long ago:
Heee. I love the idea of everyone on this planet walking around with pictures of Obi-Wan on their smartphones. It’s exactly what being at Star Wars Celebration with my friends was like.
Haja is like “oh no, that’s embarrassing! Whoops.” With the understanding that half the planet is after Obi-Wan now, Haja takes action, grabbing a blaster:
Recurring Theme: Not Who You Think I Am
Leia and Obi-Wan are heading down a dark alleyway, when a guy with Obi-Wan’s wanted poster comes around the corner. Obi-Wan springs into action, slugging the crap out of this dude. Leia looks shocked but also kind of dazzled, and, y’know, she IS related to Anakin, so.
SAME, girl, same. I relate to this face.
Meanwhile, the Inquisitors are discussing their next moves:
They decide to “extinguish him”, which, honestly that is a BAD idea. Reva knows what she’s doing in this whole cat and mouse game, because apparently unlike these guys, she knows how batshit bananas Anakin is about Obi-Wan. Nobody gets to kill Obi-Wan but him!
The Grand Inquisitor is subsequently shown Obi-Wan’s wanted poster, confirming that Reva is still working on Find Obi-Wan 2K22, and he’s pissed.
I Can Only Give You Love That Lasts Forever; And a Promise To Be Near Each Time You Call
Reva is surveying the city, and I’ve gotta say: I’m no film buff nor do I have any kind of expertise on this sort of thing, but I am loving Deborah Chow’s direction. So many excellent shots.
Leia and Obi-Wan have stopped in an alcove or something, and Obi-Wan says they’ll stop there for now. Leia takes out Lola, and he admonishes her not to let her droid make any noise. Leia morosely replies:
Obi-Wan immediately snips back that that’s good, but then he sees Leia’s little heartbroken face:
Her little braids. She’s so sweet. OBI-WAN GO COMFORT YOUR BABY.
Obi-Wan stares at her for a moment, then faces away from her for a moment, sighing, with the resignation of a man who knows he is helpless against the affection that’s bubbling here below the surface. Do it, Leia. Remind him why he’s here. Bring Obi-Wan Kenobi back!!
🥺 AHHHHH. Anakin you fucking IDIOT. These kids NEED THEIR UNCLE. HE LOVES THEM SO MUCH. Leia, appropriately dramatically, explains:
Leia says Lola will be fine, though, because she’s strong. Oh. Oh!
Obi-Wan tells her that he’s told Bail and Breha that Leia is safe and she’ll be back to the palace and back to normal by nightfall, which considering that they are not remotely out of the woods yet feels a little bit premature “Mission Accomplished” here, but OK Obes. Leia is not thrilled:
Look, I know Leia loves her parents enormously, as well she should because they’re wonderful, but it is EXTREMELY funny to me that Leia seems to PREFER getting kidnapped and cheating death and sassing at and annoying Obi-Wan over her regular, posh life where she is not being repeatedly pursued by bounty hunters and Sith/Sith-adjacent people. I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE’S ANAKIN AND PADME’S KID IT’S TOTALLY SO SHOCKING. Vader is gonna be LIVID when he finds out that she got a whole love-filled adventure with Obi-Wan where he protected her and lectured her and bought her stuff, and all he got was ultimately losing (AGAIN) and Obi-Wan being even more disappointed in him.
OK BUT LEIA: he would probably have called you “princess” NO MATTER WHAT. Even if Anakin had taken a damn nap and nothing bad had happened and you’d grown up on Coruscant or Naboo. It’s probably reflexive on some level, and not even related to your royal title. Aaaaaand now I’m crying again.
The commlink on the bounty hunter Obi-Wan decked earlier starts beeping, and Obi-Wan excuses himself to go turn it off before Leia can see his face as a wanted fugitive. He’s not fast enough, though, and she is NOT HAPPY:
She spirals: THIS is why obi-Wan was hiding and lying to her!
Well, I mean, yes, but it’s less because Obi-Wan is a hardened criminal and more because your bio-dad has a completely heterosexual and also not psychotic obsession with him, to be fair. Buuuut I feel like Obi-Wan isn’t quite ready to get into all of that right this minute.
He stammers as Leia starts backing away from him, demanding to know:
Recurring Theme: Anakin No!
Predictably, this leads to Leia making a break for it:
This man is SO TIRED. My gosh.
He literally yells out “Leia! No!” and I’m a little bit surprised he didn’t just yell out “Anakin! No!” out of muscle memory, like that thing parents do where you’re trying to reprimand one kid and you call them by one of your other kids’ names. You know, like that bit on The Simpsons:
So a chase ensues, and Leia ends up running into trouble:
Before anything else can happen, Obi-Wan shoots the guy in the back, and Leia is once again shocked. Obes gets back to brawling:
Leia isn’t persuaded to stop her escape, and so as soon as Obi-Wan’s knocked this guy out, she starts sprinting away again, eventually climbing up onto a rooftop with Obi-Wan right behind her:
I know we have three episodes left to air, so I’m just gonna say that I REALLY hope they have to crawl through a vent at some point. Y’know, for old times’ sake.
Obi-Wan is trailing behind her, which is kind of hilarious because she’s SO little and he’s a superhero and like, I know he’s out of the game BUT COME ON, KENOBES. Use some of that Force Dash.
A bounty hunter spots them, and Leia ducks behind someone’s laundry line while Obi-Wan narrowly avoids getting shot. Reva, from a distant roof, sees the blaster fire and knows she’s about to move in on her target:
While Obi-Wan continues to dodge the bullets, Reva parkours her way on over.
Leia runs up to a ledge, and makes a face as she realizes how big the gap between buildings is, and how very far down it is:
Recurring Theme: Catch Me When I Fall
We see Haja walking onto the scene as Reva gets closer, and Obi-Wan implores Leia not to try and jump. I regret to inform you that she does not listen any better than Anakin. (Sorry.)
Yes, Leia tries to make the jump, forcing Obi-Wan to lean over the edge and rescue her:
She loses her grip, and as she’s falling, Obi-Wan is forced to use, the, uh, Force:
And hey! Leia got her wish after all, as she floats gently down to safety:
Leia is dazed as Obi-Wan meets her down at ground level:
HE SURE IS, sweetheart. He sure is.
They head for the spaceport, only to find that all travel is being blocked. Leia asks who the Inquisitors are, and Obi-Wan explains:
I’m sad Leia didn’t blurt out something like “wow anybody who does that must be the biggest idiot in the galaxy!” Ah well.
Leia is perplexed: this is all for you?
LOL. The best part about this is that someone having a gigantic rage boner for Obi-Wan to the point that they construct an elaborate scheme to find him is something that has happened to Obi-Wan WAY more than just today. He just really seems to evoke extreme emotions out of everybody. People either want to jump him, murder him, or, occasionally, both.
Recurring Theme: About-Face
Haja arrives, and Obi-Wan assumes he’s there to take Obi-Wan in himself for the bounty. Haja pulls the “U-turn” card out of the Star Wars deck, and tells Obi-Wan:
He directs Obi-Wan to a cargo port he can use to flee.
He tells Obi-Wan that this will get them to Mapuzo, where help will be waiting for them. Obi-Wan is extremely skeptical: Haja’s a criminal! Why should he trust him?
He starts to ramble, and Obi-Wan interrupts him by saying his name. Haja is thrilled, which is a very very valid reaction:
Yes, it turns out Haja is actually a HUGE Jedi Fanboy, and he start to explain that if he’d only known what Obi-Wan was —
Obi-Wan is still VERY unconvinced, and muses that it could still be a trap. Haja is like “dude, you’re out of options, so, uh, go now or get your ass thrown in Empire Jail”:
I am FINE. This is fine. OBI-WAN LISTEN TO HIM.
Recurring Theme: Villain Infighting
We cut back to the Grand Inquisitor, who’s gotten ahold of Flea (OK OK FINE, his character name is Vect) and is unhappy with the lack of info he’s getting:
…and then he takes a helicoptering lightsaber to the face. Flea, we hardly knew ye.
Haja attempts to buy Obi-Wan and Leia some time by annoying the fuck out of Reva:
Reva doesn’t buy this for a minute, but she correctly sees that Haja might have what she needs: he knows where Obi-Wan is, and she’s gonna take that information whether Haja likes it or not:
Presumably, she gets what she needs, and heads off as Haja slumps forward, calming himself after the mind invasion.
Recurring Theme: The Same Eyes
Obi-Wan and Leia arrive at the cargo port, and Obi-Wan is still concerned this could be a setup. Leia is confused:
YEAH, OBI-WAN. I like how he was one of the galaxy’s Most Beloved People for years and now he assumes everyone hates him because he is upset with his own self. OH WHY STAR WARS.
Leia gets bossy, rambling off all the crazy shit that’s happened to her since she was “rescued” by this sad old man, and tells him bluntly that if they have someone offering help, they should take it. She then starts confidently marching away, instructing him to follow her:
I love that she barely knows this guy, knows he’s weirdly powerful, and yet also knows immediately that A) he will buy her stuff she doesn’t need and B) will let her boss him around and backtalk at him.
And you know what? Obi-Wan loves it too. He stares at her with a sort of wistful fondness, and when she’s like “UGH, what now?!” he replies:
AGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH. I am loving the love for Padme here, and also dying at the unspoken “and Anakin too”, because we all know Obi-Wan is not ready to engage with the dumpster fire of feelings that man evokes in him.
Leia asks if his friend was a Jedi too, and my heart breaks. Obi-Wan pauses and stares in a traumatized stupor for a moment, and then says:
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE NORMAL ABOUT THIS, STAR WARS??? My God I am really not OK with them giving me everything I have obnoxiously demanded for years. HE’S SMILING SWEETLY AND SADLY AT HER WHILE TALKING ABOUT PADME???? HOW DARE THEY. How does this not make it into the content warnings? How does this show not contain one of these before each episode?
Recurring Theme: Time Cast a Spell On You, But You Won’t Forget Me
They hear a door clank behind them, and Obi-Wan ushers Leia behind some crates. Reva is here!
Obi-Wan panics a bit, and hands Leia the token Haja gave him, urging her to leave without him if it comes to that:
Leia runs off, and Reva continues to stalk Obi-Wan. He looks down at the object in his hands hesitantly:
Reva then decides to just go right and murder me. Oh my GOD like…I knew we were going to get this moment, but I had NO IDEA HOW MUCH IT WOULD HURT.
God, she is fantastic. Also having seen her fairly up close last weekend, she is also unreasonably pretty in person. This entire cast was a LOT to deal with.
Reva gets to the heart of what she’s here to dump onto Obi-Wan, and I love that you can see that he is TERRIFIED of where this is going from the moment she says this:
WHO OH WHO COULD REVA BE TALKING ABOUT? Obi-Wan, would YOU like to guess? No?
Obi-Wan is stunned:
He does this…like, slight bodily LURCH at this. Like his soul is being ripped out through his stomach. AHHHHHH.
Reva pauses, thoughtfully taking in the Force around her, and realizes:
Yep, Obes has been doing as badly as he’s been doing when he thought Anakin was DEAD this whole time. Now just imagine how he feels now!
I mean, I dunno, he looks like he’s handling it OK. He doesn’t look like a man utterly haunted who is sensing something he either couldn’t or wouldn’t look at for a decade:
Wow! What do you know? Apparently you CAN still say the words “Anakin Skywalker” out loud in live-action! You actually CAN say the name of the MAIN CHARACTER of huge chunks of the story! Huh. I guess JJ Abrams’ and Rian Johnson’s keyboards just were malfunctioning for 5 years. That has to be the reason, because not mentioning him ever by name for 3 entire movies would have just been pathetic. Weird!
ANYWAYS. Ahem. Excuse me. Obi-Wan stands there trembling and looking absolutely horrified. Reva goes on:
Recurring Theme: Someone Gets Mauled
The Grand Inquisitor arrives on the scene and is like “Reva, this shit stops NOW”:
You know what? Shout out to the writers, because this is exactly how pompous and dorky the bad guys should sound. It’s giving me life.
They get into a back and forth about who should get to capture Obi-Wan, and it culminates in Reva Mauling the Grand Inquisitor:
Obi-Wan uses this brief interlude to make a break for the cargo ship that Leia is on, and Reva gives chase as they manage to escape:
Look, Reva I’m just gonna stop you there, because HE KNOWS. He knew he couldn’t escape him when he thought Anakin WAS DEAD, OK??
The cargo ship takes off, leaving Reva to do the requisite villain “I’ll get you NEXT TIME” villain handshake.
Recurring Theme: The Long and Winding Road
With these very dramatic revelations having taken place, how is our boy doing?
Yeah, he’s not okay. He’s going Full Mustafar on us:
It’s been ten years and he’s not even remotely less sad. ANAKIN. HOW COULD YOU. If anything, he’s WORSE NOW:
Leia is trying to talk to him, but her voice feels a mile away, as she asks him if he’s OK. He is NOT, Leia. He’s not.
And WHY is he not OK? As always:
And speak of the devil, it appears we’ve got ourselves a Force Bond Moment, because over in a bacta tank in Dramatic Bullshit Manor (!!!!!!! Lucasfilm, whoever of you are reading this blog PLEASE just send me an email. I just want to tell you I love you), there’s our wayward boy:
You didn’t NEED to say it was dramatic, Star Wars. None of us are new here.
And THAT is where Deb Chow and Co. leave us! GOD, WHAT A WHIRLWIND. I am emotionally compromised for life, and I know it’s only gonna get worse from here. I am completely obsessed with this show and I sincerely cannot believe THIS is what they gave me after all these years.
So: join me next time, when things are gonna get a little…fiery, again. Thank you so much for reading, and I’ll see you again soon!