Obi-Wan Kenobi, Season 1, Episode 1: Part I (Recap 2 of 2)
…it still feels insane to be recapping this show. I truly can’t believe it’s here! And OH MY WORD, I love it so so much. And now I’m gonna yell at you about it! That’s how we do things around here.
So, in our last installment, we learned that a group of Inquisitors had gotten wind of a Jedi named Nari hanging out on Tatooine. That explains why the Darksiders are here, but left unexplained is why Nari’s here in the first place. Finn can say what he wants about everyone wanting to go to Jakku, but the OG Desert Planet’s Siren Call is apparently even stronger.
We also met up with our titular character, and he is Very Very Very Sad. And not that it was any great stretch, but I called this way back in a recap I wrote in 2016:
Yep, I’m over here trying to cope with Star Wars giving me everything I asked for, even when I had years to prepare. He’s just…so sad.
What I could NEVER have prepared for is the fact that they have Obi-Wan living in a DAMN CAVE, not even his Very Sad Hermit Hut of Sadness. He lives alone in a cave, works at a meatpacking plant, and spends his meager earnings on toys for Baby Luke. Every single one of these things is something I will never be able to fully process.
Ah well! No matter — I may have permanent emotional damage now, but just like Obi-Wan, I’m gonna keep on forging ahead, despite my increasingly fragile mental state!
See It While You Can
Now at the midpoint of this jumbo-sized premiere episode, we leave the desert for somewhere much more posh:
Alderaan! I’d read every spoiler so I knew it was coming for months, but I still watched this entire bit with a giant foolish grin on my face.
Next up is a montage of a little girl being fussed over and put in a fancy outfit, and of course we are all supposed to be losing our minds because It’s Baby Leia, right?
Breha (BREHA!!!!) breezes into the room to collect her child. She explains that her sister’s whole family is coming to whatever this big to-do they’re attending is, and warns…
LOL. I now want Leia bullying Vader even more than I already did. We already know Anakin cries about everything, and she would absolutely eviscerate him.
Breha gets halfway through her lecturing before sensing something is amiss, and pulling back the child’s hood, revealing that Leia is most certainly not in the room:
Breha is exasperated, and starts sending people to look for her missing child: she’s either in the kitchen, the cellar…
Obi-Wan should have started a support group for people who love anyone with Anakin’s DNA. I feel like Breha could have used a place to vent.
Baby Leia BABY LEIA!
Our girl is, in fact, in the woods, and she’s climbing trees to watch spaceships come in with her pet droid L0-LA. Look at this cute baby bean!!!
This girl is cute as hell and I love her in this. My ONLY comment is that this? Does not look like a 10-year-old to me. That’s OK, though, because I can buy that the Skytwins would be little peanuts. They’re both lil shrimps as adults, too.
Breha appears, and orders Leia down from her tree perch. She laments under her breath:
Honestly, it’s a good thing Anakin isn’t in Leia’s life. Even if he wasn’t evil, I feel like those two would cause property damage the likes of which the galaxy has never seen.
Recurring Theme: Leia Organa, Problem-Solver
Breha tells Leia that she’s not to play with her droid for the rest of the day. Replace “L0-LA” with “Switch” and I have BEEN THERE, Breha. Been there.
I have also seen this Kid Face more than once:
They head off to get ready for their Fancy Shindig (which Leia is dreading), and Leia pulls the SASSIEST BRAT MOVE EVER, first sweetly apologizing…
…then using that as an excuse to hug Breha and try to weasel her droid back:
One of my kids is basically in love with Leia now because of this scene alone. He thinks she is the greatest. (Yes, he is a handful, why do you ask?)
As they make their way inside, we see a Mysterious Person lurking in the shadows.
Uh oh!! Who could it be? What peril awaits Baby Leia????
Recurring Theme: Infinite Sadness
Before we can answer that, we get booted back to Obi-Wan, who is wrapping up another wonderful work day in his wonderful life.
Look: I can’t say I know how bacteria works in the GFFA, and I didn’t EXPECT Tatooine to adhere strictly to public health codes, but the fact that they have an OPEN-AIR meatpacking plant where everyone A) cleans their work tools by just wiping them down with a dirty rag, and B) LEAVES RAW MEAT OUT IN THE OPEN IN THE DAMN DESERT POSSIBLY OVERNIGHT (???) is gross. GROSS. I am NOT eating sushi from this place.
I digress. Sad Obes is clocks out for the day sadly, then sadly rides a sad space bus back to his sad “home”.
I like how he isn’t even doing anything that should be remotely distressing right now and he STILL looks traumatized.
Recurring Theme: Owen vs. Obi-Wan
OH WHY STAR WARS. So Obi-Wan goes to pick up his eopie, and as he’s petting her and feeding her, something gets chucked at his feet.
Nooooo it’s the toy he left for Baby Luke!! WHY.
Yep, Owen is here, and he’s pissed:
OWEN HE’S ALREADY SO SAD, MUST YOU HURT HIM LIKE THIS??? I know you’re just trying to do the right thing for your family and you love Luke and all that good stuff but LOOK AT HIM, OWEN.
It gets better/worse. Owen says that they don’t need anything from Old Ben, and Obi-Wan sweetly says:
HE JUST WANTED LUKE TO HAVE A TOY SPACESHIP BECAUSE HE KNOWS LUKE WANTS TO FLY AND HE LOVES LUKE BECAUSE HE LOVES ANAKIN OH EVERYTHING HURTS.
Owen is like “it’s more than just a toy and you know damn well it is”, and Obi-Wan, getting testy, retorts that Luke needs to see there’s more to the galaxy than just Owen’s crappy farm.
Owen makes to leave, and before he can go, Obi-Wan stabs me in the heart with this:
Well, Luke might be okay, BUT I SURE AS HELL AM NOT, OBI-WAN. STOP BEING LIKE THIS. Stop being sad, stop being kind, stop being handsome, stop talking, stop wearing that outfit (but for the love of God before you take that the wrong way please do wear SOMETHING, I am trying to live here), stop standing there, stop DOING ANYTHING. Just. Stop.
Owen is unimpressed, declaring that he knows Obi-Wan doesn’t give a fuck if Luke is all right, he just cares if he’s exhibiting any signs of Jedi Force Madness.
LOL. This isn’t funny, but I’m cracking up just because Luke ends up with the jankiest, most scattershot Jedi Training EVER. He gets in-person instruction from Obi-Wan for like 45 minutes one day, then he gets a couple homework assignments from a dead man, and then he goes and lives in a swamp with a Muppet for a few weeks or months. I love Luke, so I’m not really trying to drag him here, but also this MIGHT have contributed to how well the Resurrection of the Jedi Order ultimately went under Luke’s care.
Anyway! Obi-Wan wants to train Luke “when the time comes”, which considering that Jedi are really supposed to be trained from toddlerhood SEEMS like they may have already missed the boat here, but whatever. I’m sure training a Skywalker who’s too old to start his training will go extremely fine for Obi-Wan.
Recurring Theme: The Unbearable Sadness of Obi-Wan
Owen goes for the jugular:
Obi-Wan’s reaction to this is SOMETHING. He looks…well, yes, SAD, of course, but he also looks like he’s maybe trying to physically teleport himself away from these emotions; like the mere CONCEPT of Anakin is too much for him to deal with and he can’t look directly at it.
Yes, it’s a real tragedy that Anakin is dead, which he absolutely definitely is. Because how could he not be? Obi-Wan saw him on fire and everything!
Recurring Theme: Separation of Arm and Owner
Owen walks away to leave Obi-Wan to deal with this latest emotional blow, but no sooner has he stepped away when the Inquisitors show up again. Obi-Wan ducks further back into the stable and watches cautiously.
They’re trying to shake people down for leads on their missing Jedi, and Reva is not here for promises of rewards for information — only punishments for noncompliance.
And to prove she isn’t bluffing, the next person who mouths off at her experiences just that:
Reva starts wandering around the crowd of townspeople, and locks on to one person in particular:
She starts grilling Owen about his family life, and he rebuffs her, saying it’s none of her business. She counters that it might be!
NOT EVEN THAT HANDSOME SAD ONE 20 FEET AWAY??? Owen. He’s so sad. And handsome. HE NEEDS LOVE.
He says the Jedi are vermin, and he kills vermin on his farm. Reva coolly praises him for protecting his family, then adds:
I? Love her. She is creepy as heck. And in a workplace that contains both Anakin and Sheev, you really do have to work to stand out. Good for her.
She grandstands: the Jedi are cowards! Don’t protect them; they wouldn’t do the same for you! No one speaks up, so she pulls her saber on Owen — who, I should note, seems resigned to die rather than give up the dude he was just shitting on 5 minutes previous.
Reva gets reined in once again by the Fifth Brother, and she’s none too happy about it, and Owen lives to see another binary sunset.
Recurring Theme: Kenobi Derangement Syndrome
Away from the crowd, Reva gets a scolding again:
Reva spits back: she’s tired of wasting time! This place is beneath them! The Fifth Brother’s on to her, though:
Well YEAH, I mean, who wouldn’t? With that hair and those eyes and that voice and — oh, you mean like…she wants to murder him. Right. Of course. I knew that. Ahem.
He goes on to tell her that she won’t find him: he’s gone, and they’ve spent a decade looking for him. God. Ten YEARS of Vader calling you every few hours asking if you’ve found him yet. Ten YEARS of him rage-crying and Force-choking your coworkers when you don’t find him. Having to proofread his E-rated Vaderwan fanfic. Yikes.
He asks her what she hopes to gain by finding Obi-Wan, to which she ominously replies: “what I’m owed”. Ooooh.
They leave town in their Evil Guy Ship, and the crowd watches them leave. Obi-Wan takes a moment:
Yeah, thank goodness Obes gets to live through yet another great day. Half shocked he didn’t just Force-grab Reva’s lightsaber and do the job himself, to be honest.
Owen scoffs at this and, walking away, says that he didn’t do it for Obi-Wan. Aww. Somewhere, deep down, Owen wants Luke to have his depressed hobo uncle in his life.
Recurring Theme: Bail Organa, Stanning for Justice
Back on Alderaan, we are PREQUELLING and I am SO HERE FOR IT. Check this CG goodness:
And then BAIL’S HERE! God, I love this man. He asks Leia about which ships she saw today, and adds his speculation about what they were up to:
WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS PRECIOUS BEAN. I LOVE HER SO MUCH. Also her little outfit is KILLING ME. I love everyone in this Godforsaken saga HELP.
They greet Breha’s sister’s family, and after a motorcade, they’re off to a Swanky Cocktail Hour:
Ugh, except it’s the bad kind of swanky cocktail hour, with like, the GFFA version of horrible lobbyists.
Bail replies to this gross guy by saying there are still some things they need to fix in this universe:
I hope a year gets added to George Lucas’ life every time the word “taxation” is uttered in Star Wars post-buyout. I know it makes my heart swell. Obi-Wan says the words “trade route” in the third episode and it brought me a frankly unreasonable amount of joy. SUCK IT NERDS, THE PREQUELS ARE HAVING A RENAISSANCE AND WE’RE GONNA BRING BACK EVERY ACTOR AND MAKE THEM TALK ABOUT FEELINGS AND BORING POLITICS AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. Take the L and die mad about it.
This jerk is like “hey now, none of that democracy shit, thanks — I didn’t come here to free slaves…”
He tells Bail to “save his bleeding heart for the Senate”, and before Bail can deck this bitch, Breha intervenes:
Ha! I love her. And him. And them.
Recurring Theme: Leia Organa vs The Idiots In Her Midst
Leia is sitting with one of her cousins, who is a pain in the ass. A droid comes over and brings Leia some food, and Leia thanks the droid.
Leia replies that it’s just good manners, and he counters that you don’t need manners when talking to “lower life forms”, and honestly, this kid ain’t bright because he should KNOW you can’t set her up like that:
Leia Organa has been straight-up BARBECUING dumbasses since she was at LEAST 10 years old, and I am 0% surprised.
He gets offended and tries to retaliate, saying that he hears that her parents never let her leave the planet, because they don’t want anyone to know about her, because she’s not a “real” Organa. Leia steels herself and replies that she knows he’s scared of his own father:
Needless to say, this doesn’t go over well, and soon Leia’s being reprimanded by her parents. Breha tells her she has to rise above it and apologize to her cousin. Leia is less than enthusiastic:
Is she Little Padme? Sure. But that sassy backtalking mouth is 10000% Anakin, and I feel pretty confident that one particular character in this series is gonna HARD agree with me on that one before this show is done. BUT I’M GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF.
I can’t waaaaaaaait.
Recurring Theme: Heartwarming Dad Moment
Breha, exhausted, leaves, and Bail goes in for a heart-to-heart. He tells Leia he once wanted to run around chasing purrgil, living a life of adventure, but then his plans changed:
He gestures towards the planet in front of them, and tells her this is her future (except it won’t be, GOD DAMNIT ANAKIN).
“Junior Senate” has me cackling. What goes on there? Why is Star Wars ruled by like 50% children??
Leia is not excited about the Senate:
She doesn’t wanna be a Senator!
Leia frowns and says she’s not even a “real Organa”, and Bail is having NONE of that:
He throws in a few inspirational lines about leadership, then reminds her that it’ll be sweet to see the look on her bratty cousin’s face…
She agrees to apologize for now, and they pinky-shake on it and I pass away:
BAIL ORGANA DESERVED BETTER. What a great guy. I’m GONNA CRY.
No sooner has Bail left when Leia smirks to herself, and takes off AGAIN. What a little shit! My son, again, WAS OVERCOME WITH LOVE. I’m going to end up with a daughter-in-law someday who is 100% Pure Sass.
Bail informs Breha about this latest jailbreak:
Bail’s like “yeah but you know full well our kid is nuts, you know what she’s like”, and Breha replies:
Recurring Theme: Babynapping
We cut to Leia tearing through the woods, and oh wouldn’t you know: it’s time for one of the Star Wars Recurring Theme Hall of Fame Honorees: Babynapping! Huttlets, humans, Rodians, whatever the hell Grogu is…kids in the GFFA are always getting themselves kidnapped. It might be time for the galaxy to look into microchipping.
Amidst the trees, Leia encounters Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers, a phrase I never in one million years would have guessed I would need to type someday, but here we are.
She asks him what he’s doing here, and he says he’s been waiting for her, and advances on her. She finds herself surrounded:
She tries to make a run for it, but is unsuccessful. An Alderaanian guard attempts to intervene and is killed. The next thing Leia knows, a bag is being pulled over her head. NOOOOOO!
Recurring Theme: Enough of That Old Trauma Let’s Start Experiencing Some New Trauma
We hear a beeping sound. And hey! We’re back in Obi-Wan’s cave where he is obviously doing Fine. I didn’t really need a screengrab for this part but also LOOK AT HIM, how could I not?
Ugh. What a babe. I hate him.
Obes looks entirely freaked out about this, and goes to open the crate where the beeping is coming from. It’s a call! From who????
Whoever it is, Obi-Wan is NOT OK ABOUT IT:
He answers the call.
It’s Bail and Breha! Their baby is missing!
AGGGGGGHHHH. Oh this hurts. It hurts.
Obi-Wan is not exactly jumping out of his skin to sign up for YET ANOTHER round of saving a Skywalker. He asks why they can’t use the Senate, or a bounty hunter, or literally anyone who is not him. Bail explains that it’s too risky to let news of this spread, and only Obi-Wan knows how important she is. Honestly, they should have called up Yoda instead. That dude was DYING to train Leia and they would have been absolute CHAOS together. And now I’m sad again.
He goes on to say that his duty is to Luke, to which Bail is like “yeah??? And what the fuck is Leia, then, hmm? Chopped liver???? She’s just as important as he is!!” You’re right and you should say it, Bail.
Obi-Wan looks like he’s going to burst into tears (still crossing my fingers for that), and says:
I remain forever entertained that Ewan is this smiley, ridiculous human being with a loud crazy person laugh who somehow SELLS THE HELL out of looking Utterly Devastated in every other thing he’s in. It’s like he saves every sad emotion for the screen, and I thank him for it.
Presumably they end their holo-Skype there, and next we see some footage of Leia being held captive on a ship somewhere. And then before we know it, we’re back at the Questionably Safe for Consumption Meat Co, where Obi-Wan is ONCE AGAIN leaving for the day, looking even sadder than usual somehow. Who even knew it could be possible?
He rides the space bus into town, where a scene is transpiring. It appears the Inquisitors got their man after all:
Obi-Wan takes this all in, looking disturbed, and heads back to his Depression Cave. When he arrives, a droid near the entrance alerts him that someone’s in the cave already…
Obi-Wan cautiously enters, and wouldn’t you know? He does have company, presumably for the first time ever!
Bail tells him that he’s managed to ascertain that Leia’s headed for Daiyu. Obi-Wan is resistant:
Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Loves Anakin
Obi-Wan protests that he’s not the man he used to be, and Bail is like well then GET THERE, because I’m not taking no for an answer! Obi-Wan stammers that he can’t leave Luke, and Bail rejects this:
Oof. Bail just cutting right to the heart of the matter, huh? Good for him.
Oh yeah, Obi-Wan Kenobi is gonna just “move on” and “be done” with Anakin Skywalker. Sure. He’ll get right on that. I hope you are a patient man, Organa.
Obi-Wan does that thing again where someone says Anakin’s name and he looks like he’s going to yeet himself into another dimension to flee from his feelings:
Bail tells Obi-Wan that he can, however, save Leia.
BAIL ORGANA YOU ARE THE NICEST MAN EVER AND I AM NEVER GONNA BE OVER THIS. Thank you for being nice to Obi-Wan. You are one of the only people NOT making him feel worse about himself.
Obi-Wan looks completely terrified, but like he’s maybe coming around.
Recurring Theme: Hostage Situation
We see Leia attempt to use Lola to escape her kidnappers, but she’s caught in the act.
Flea smashes Lola in response, and Leia is upset.
I mean, sure. He might be sending a hobo with severe PTSD to do it, but he’ll rescue you.
She’s told that no one’s coming for her, and she is a Sad Baby. 😭
Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan REALLY Loves Anakin
OH GOD NO. This pain is TOO MUCH PAIN. So anyways, Anakin shows up and it turns out he’s not maimed or evil and the whole thing was just one big silly misunderstanding and then Obi-Wan bridal-carries him back to his cave and they live happily ever after. I know: I didn’t see it coming either! Amazing that they made Obikin canon and that the entire story up to this point was just a bad dream! I’m as surprised as you are.
SIGH. All right, so Obi-Wan rides his eopie out into the middle of the desert, to a particular spot. And then he starts digging.
I’m not OK I’m NOT OK.
After a very brief interlude where Leia’s kidnappers question the logic of kidnapping children, we see what Obi-Wan was digging up:
Well hey! It’s just a box. A normal plain box. I don’t know what I was so worried about!
Oh! Well sure, I mean, it’d be kind of weird to bury an EMPTY box, right? I guess Obi-Wan just really wanted to keep this fabric safe!
What’s that? There’s something wrapped IN the fabric?? Huh! Well we should probably get going, I’m sure whatever it is is boring and not important and I will have no emotions about it whatsoever. It’s probably just Obi-Wan’s passport or the warranty card for his vaporator or something.
WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT. THE FUCK. NO. He BURIED their LIGHTSABERS TOGETHER. RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER. HE BURIED HIMSELF NEXT TO ANAKIN. This is a very very platonic thing to do and also not at all devastating and I AM FINE ABOUT IT.
Here, have some additional pain courtesy of the Original Obikin Angst Monster, Matt Stover:
Whoops! Not THAT passage, sorry! I, uh, don’t know how that got in there.
HE THOUGHT THEY WOULD DIE TOGETHER AND THEN THEY DID AND HE BURIED THEM. Oh Obi-Wan. I didn’t think I could be sadder for you BUT NOW HERE WE ARE. Oh my God.
I really wanna lay down and die and bury myself in the desert right about now, but I’m very nearly through this episode, so forward I go. We cut back to the kidnappers, who are holo-Skyping with Reva, who tells them she knows Obi-Wan will come for Leia: she did some reaseach and knows he helped Bail during the war.
Recurring Theme: Love Will Lead You Back
On Tatooine, Obi-Wan has hilariously changed into something more along the lines of the Classic Kenobi Collection, except that unlike his Hot Professor Look in Revenge of the Sith, he’s got a slutty neckline and is showing off some of his chest hair, which I am not gonna complain about.
He’s at a spaceport, and after a moment of contemplating the ticket in his hand, a woman asks him if he’s coming along, or not.
He hands her his ticket, and we get a glimpse of something — his lightsaber, and I swear to you all I will not make a “what is Obi-Wan packing?” joke no matter how much you perverts all want me to.
…and with that, our boy is off on his new adventure!
I love him, I love THIS, I cannot believe this show really happened. My heart is full, and I love Star Wars.
See you back here again soon, when Obi-Wan will be treated to more feelings and Blasts From the Past, Leia gets to put in some quality time with her uncle. I cannot WAIT. Thanks for reading!