STAR WARS RECAPS AND COMMENTARY. (THE FUN KIND.)

Obi-Wan Kenobi, Season 1, Episode 3: I’m Burnin’ For You

Obi-Wan Kenobi, Season 1, Episode 3: Part III

…I don’t even know where to start with this one. My gosh. I genuinely just blew out a giant puff of air as I sat down to start writing this. It’s so good. It’s so horrible. It’s the best. It’s excruciating. Also, I’m gonna warn you right now that this recap is LONG. Very long. A colossus of Recappery.

Last time, on Painfully Divorced Dad: The Series, Obi-Wan had traveled to Daiyu to rescue a kidnapped Baby Leia. Leia had repaid this kindness by absolutely ROASTING him multiple times, from calling him old and beat up, to saying that he was only young enough to convincingly be thought of as her grandfather, to making him think about Padme and the Jedi and also repeatedly suggesting that he probably wasn’t a Jedi anyways.

And guess what? Turns out Leia’s not the only Skywalker who’s gonna be roasting Obi-Wan in this series (I AM SO SORRY. That was uncalled for.) When we last left our friends, Leia and Obi-Wan were making an escape to Mapuzo, narrowly outrunning Inquisitor Reva — who’d just had the honor of informing Obi-Wan that Anakin is, in fact, alive. This caused Obi-Wan to look the MOST upset he’s looked this entire time, which is incredible, and sparked a Force connection of some sort between Obi-Wan and Anakin to reignite. We’d just caught a glimpse of everyone’s favorite bad decision-maker floating in his bacta tank as we wrapped things up.

I am in no way, shape, or form prepared for this recap, but seeing as I have little time before they throw more suffering my way, it’s what must be done. Let’s see if the boys will just leap into each other’s arms this time instead.

Some Assembly Required

We open onboard the cargo ship, and we see Obi-Wan meditating.

He tries to get a call through to Qui-Gon again. He’s concentrating hard, but his thoughts keep circling back to the upsetting Anakin News he’s just gotten.

He hears Reva’s voice, and then hears Yoda’s warning to him to not watch the footage of Anakin Spree-Killing everyone at the temple, and as this unfolds, we see something else happening elsewhere:

Ah yes: it’s time for Vader to hit the assembly line. Oh Anakin. 😢

Obi-Wan wrings his hands as he hears a flashback to Qui-Gon’s final assignment:

He then hears a flashback of Anakin’s Rage Nonsense from Mustafar.

We watch Vader’s arms and legs get put in place, and his mask begin to be secured. As this happens, Obi-Wan says (in his mind, without speaking aloud):

Jesus H. Christ, Qui-Gon, it was bad enough that you burdened him with Darth Dumbass over there, you could at LEAST throw a word or two of encouragement his way.

Vader’s all gussied up and ready for another fun day of wallowing and murder, and we get the impression that Obi-Wan and Anakin can both sense each other, which is a thing I am obviously going to be extremely normal about. Obi-Wan opens his eyes and, looking terrified, says:

Raise your hand if you’re cool with everything right now! Yeah, I thought so.

Home In The Darkness; Home I’ll Never Be

Would you guys like to see our naughtiest boy in all his finery? Of course you do; I know how you people are.

Guys, I sincerely cannot believe that Dramatic Bullshit Manor is in this thing. I JOKED ABOUT HOW CRAZY IT WOULD BE IF THEY DID THAT. Lucasfilm WHAT IS GOING ON OVER THERE, and also are you hiring? Judging by the sheer number of times I’ve written about something you guys then turned around and actually did, you seem to like my content, and in case I was being too subtle, I like Star Wars a lot. We’d make a great team!

Just…look at this place:

I am going to scream. This shot was preceded by a loooooong pan across Boyfriend Breakup River, because THAT is where Anakin built his house. On top of the river where Obi-Wan dumped him and cried and said he loved him. It’s good to know Anakin is even less normal about what happened there than I am.

Vader plops down onto his throne (LOL, oh my God) and takes a holo-Skype from Reva:

I have no words. Anakin, could you PLEASE do even one thing like a normal person?

Reva says that Obi-Wan will “pay for the Grand Inquisitor’s –” death? Injury? I think he’s not supposed to be dead actually at this point in the timeline, so maybe that was just their way of sidestepping that one for now. Also is Reva trying to shift the blame to Obi-Wan? LOL. Reva. Friend. Anakin is the last person in the entire universe who’d judge you for murdering a coworker. He probably killed three people just before this Teams meeting with you. You didn’t need to lie.

Recurring Theme: The Eternal Obe-Session

Anyways, Anakin — not unlike your author — is 0% interested in anything that doesn’t have to do with Obi-Wan Kenobi:

I don’t know about anyone else here, Skywalker, but I absolutely understand. Trust me. I could not understand MORE.

Reva says she also understands, and Vader tells her that he’s taken notice of what her ambitions are. He says that if she successfully brings his ex back to him, he’ll make her Grand Inquisitor — and if she doesn’t, he’ll kill her. Well if that’s not some job motivation, I don’t know what is. Anakin really has a way of boosting team productivity.

Their call ends, and Vader gets up and for-real just goes to stare at the lava river that’s outside. I wonder how many hours a day he spends JUST doing this, because I know it’s more than one.

Burn Out The Night

Every scene in this episode makes me go “oh no, not this part” in despair, and this next one is no different: we’re back on the cargo ship with Obi-Wan and Leia, and we see that Obes is working on something. That’s fine, it’s probably just some stuff for their trip or like, a part of the ship or something. Yep.

Leia, in true “kid on a car trip” fashion, asks:

Obi-Wan wearily replies:

Woooo! Shout out to trade routes! When I first heard this I was like “excellent, we’ve gotten the Jedi temple, taxes, the Senate, trade routes…what’s next, space mining?” and, well, just wait. I assume there’ll be extensive Banking Related Content in the next episode at this rate.

She asks if he can’t just use the Force to make it go faster, and Obi-Wan, pausing for yet another Emotional Pain Beat, simply says that’s not how it works.

Leia looks at him considerately: how DOES the Force work, exactly?

Obi-Wan responds with a question of his own:

Leia nods that she has, and he asks her how she feels when she turns on the light:

AHHHHH. Oh Obes. SOMEONE HUG HIM. Also this is a beautiful way to describe it and I love it and him.

Recurring Theme: Robot Repair

He then hands Leia what he’s been working on:

Yes, Obi-Wan fixed her, and Leia is overjoyed.

He fixed her droid HE FIXED. HER DROID. He did it because he loves her and because he knows Anakin would have done it but Anakin can’t do it because he’s Satan’s Pool Boy now. AGGGHHHHH. This is so sweet and cute and I’m in horrible, horrible pain.

Shortly after this, they arrive on Mapuzo, and sneak off the cargo ship unnoticed.

Recurring Theme: It’s Always About Space Mining With These People

They hit the road to make it to the coordinates that Haja gave them before they left Daiyu. Leia asks where they are:

OH WHAT A HUGE FREAKING SURPRISE, A SPACE MINING SYSTEM. It had been possibly as long as several days since a main character last visited one.

He tells Leia they need to go further north — that is, if Haja wasn’t just lying to them. Leia asks why he would lie, and Obi-Wan very much snaps at her:

Yeah, Leia! Sometimes people are liars and it turns out they’re actually Sith Lords who steal your boyfriend and kill your family and turn your own troops into killbots, and then you have to live, sockless, in a cave! Leia looks chastised and says nothing.

Obi-Wan explains that this place used to have farms and families, but now it’s just been stripped bare by the Empire. OK but like…how does Obi-Wan know this? Just extrapolation from seeing it right now? Jedi intuition? I’m just saying, I didn’t exactly get the impression that Obi-Wan was staying on top of galactic mining affairs while on Tatooine. I don’t think his cave has cable, for one thing.

Leia replies that she thought the Empire was supposed to be helping people, and Obi-Wan says that some people, like her father (Bail) are trying to, while leaving unsaid that OTHER people like her father (Anakin) are set on fucking it and themselves up as much as possible. He sighs:

But Every Time I Close My Eyes, I See Your Face

Dear God, nothing about this episode is OK. So right after Obi-Wan has lamented this “losing battle”, the camera veers sideways a bit, and he looks kind of like he’s gonna have a panic attack and then peers out into the distance:

What does he see? Let’s take a look:

Oh! It’s just Some Guy In a Robe. Pretty unremarkable, really. We probably don’t need to examine this any further — wait, OK, all right, Star Wars, we’ll zoom in a bit:

I…oh no. I know that nose, and so does Obi-Wan.

THESE TWO ARE SO OBSESSED WITH EACH OTHER I CANNOT STAND IT. They really decided to just make a show where “old men who are completely insane about each other” is pretty much the TL;DR. Sure, Obi-Wan: it’s totally normal AND extremely heterosexual to be flat-out hallucinating your Other Half of a Single Warrior.

Also, hiiiiiii Anakin! *waves* I’m glad and not even remotely surprised that you at least get to still be pretty in Obi-Wan’s imagination!

Leia snaps him out of it, looking at Obi-Wan like she’s more than slightly weirded out. Obi-Wan turns to look at her, then turns back to where Fantasy Anakin was standing, and sees nothing. Obes looks like he’s going to burst into tears (WHEN is he gonna shed tears here, people?? I NEED IT), and begins walking again, telling Leia to stay close. Yes, Leia, stay close to Obi-Wan — not for your own safety, but so you can help him when he inevitably he lapses back into another bout of Wistful Anakin Insanity.

Recurring Theme: Everyone In The Empire Hates Each Other

Reva’s back at Inquisitor HQ, and she walks into a conference room and informs the others that she has traced the ship’s manifest and knows that Obi-Wan’s off to Mapuzo.

The Fifth Brother is WAY annoyed by all of this and tells Reva she’s not in charge — he is!

Take a look at this room. Once again I am given evidence that in addition to being giant drama queens and wearing the most ridiculous robes ever, the Sith and the Jedi are also alike in their staunch refusal to ever sit in a room with adequate lighting for any reason whatsoever. That, or because so many Inquisitors are former Jedi, this is just the level of brightness they’re all used to. (Now I’m thinking about the time Obi-Wan went to Kamino in Attack of the Clones and I’m honestly kind of shocked his retinas didn’t immediately burn.)

Reva is like HMM WELL THAT’S INTERESTING, because…

You know what’s cracking me up right now? Vader already knows where Obi-Wan is now, but he’s still asking Reva to lead the search? Why in the absolute hell didn’t he just immediately leave Mustafar and go find him his damn self? It’s not like Anakin thinks he needs the Inquisitors to soften Obi-Wan up a bit first, and the longer he waits the more likely it becomes that someone else might get the chance to murder Obi-Wan, which is obviously unacceptable. What the hell could he possibly have had on his calendar that was more important than this??? We all know you have no life or friends, Anakin. Go do your own dirty work.

ANYWAYS, Reva is like “I mean, I could follow your orders instead if you think disobeying VADER sounds like a good idea…” and then orders them to send the probes out posthaste.

The Fifth Brother sneers and tells her that he’ll get what he deserves, and so will she. Reva, looking determined, mutters under her breath as he leaves that she very much hopes this will be the case.

Make The Galaxy Great Again

So they send the probes out towards Mapuzo, and we rejoin Leia and Obi-Wan’s walk. Obi-Wan reminds Leia of their cover story: they’re farmers from Tawl, and Leia is Obi-Wan’s daughter. Hilariously, he adds that she also doesn’t talk. Leia asks:

He simply repeats “you don’t”. LOL. They arrive at the coordinates Haja gave them, but nobody’s there. Leia suggests that maybe they’re just running late. Obi-Wan is furious with himself:

Leia begins to protest, and Obi-Wan cuts her off sharply: nobody’s coming! Leia thoughtfully muses that if they are indeed on their own, they’ll need some help, and she tears off to flag down a truck moving down the nearby road to Obi-Wan’s dismay.

She approaches the truck, and promptly abandons her instructions to not speak. Of course.

She tells the dude in the truck that her dad’s name is Orden, and sticks to the story about them being farmers from Tawl.

She goes on to say that they were “going on a little trip and got lost in this field”, and this guy has the funniest response:

Hahahaha. Dude, you would not BELIEVE the shit I’ve recapped over the years here. Obi-Wan getting lost in a field would be one of the LEAST weird things that has ever happened to him.

Obi-Wan interjects that they just need to find the nearest spaceport to get home, and the guy — Freck — is like “oh hey I’ll take you! Climb in!” Leia cheerfully accepts the ride, to Obi-Wan’s dismay.

…dismay which only grows when he sees that this guy has the GFFA equivalent of a MAGA sticker on his bumper:

Yeah, turns out Freck was maybe at the Capitol on January 6th, and potentially has some very strong opinions about recounts. At a minimum, he’s probably gonna make them listen to Space Alex Jones during the ride. Good thing Obi-Wan took his mask off back on Daiyu.

Recurring Theme: I’m Suing This Show For Pain and Suffering

As their journey gets underway, he asks them again where they’re from. They repeat that they’re from Tawl, and Freck replies:

It is genuinely hilarious to me that hardcore right-wingers have convinced themselves that Star Wars hasn’t always been very blatantly in opposition to their worldviews until Just Recently when it became Super Woke because of opinionated women or The Gays or Twitter or Disney or trans people or whoever they’re blaming everything on today. Sure guys. Whatever you need to tell yourselves.

Leia pleasantly is like “oh yeah, sure do love that Empire! Let’s go Brandon!”, and Freck agrees:

This guy has absolutely put on some Oakleys and recorded a Hot Take for Space YouTube from the driver’s seat of his truck.

Just then, they encounter some stormtroopers at the roadside, and Obi-Wan immediately puts a protective hand on Leia. 🥺

Freck offers the guys a ride, and they climb in. He introduces them to “Orden” and “Luma”, and then asks the troopers what they’re up to:

One trooper eventually asks Obi-Wan what their deal is, and when he tells them they’re from Tawl, the guy asks why they’re here then. Obi-Wan tries to wave it off by saying it’s a long story, and the guy counters, with a mild amount of threat behind it, that it’s a long ride.

Leia jumps in with a story:

Obi-Wan jumps in:

Obi-Wan says it’s been a “difficult time”, and boy, HAS IT EVER. The trooper asks if he knows anything about a Jedi, and Obi-Wan claims that he wouldn’t know one if he saw one. Leia interjects and asks the troopers if the Jedi is even on this planet, and Obi-Wan slips up while chiding her:

Oopsie daisy! The trooper is like “pardon??? I thought you said her name was LUMA????!! Why did you call her LEIA?????????!!” And like, OF ALL THE WAYS TO GET OUT OF THIS ONE, KENOBES:

HEY!! That hurts!!! I didn’t agree to this!! OBI-WAN WHY. He wistfully says they all miss her very much, and I’m just…this isn’t OK, Star Wars. It isn’t!

The troopers are persuaded by this, and shortly thereafter they reach their stop, leaving Obi-Wan and Leia alone in the back once more.

Recurring Theme: Leia Organa, Seeing Straight Through You

Leia stares at Obi-Wan, and finally he asks her what’s up. What’s up is STILL MORE TORMENT:

Obi-Wan claims that it was just something he was making up for their cover story, but she is unconvinced. And she has another heart-crushing question to ask:

Man, if Vader wasn’t already constantly stuck at the highest possible level of rage at all times, this would REALLY put him over the edge. Obi-Wan, sweetly and sadly and KILLING ME HERE, answers:

Yeah, Anakin! He wishes he could say he was because the TRUTH is SO FUCKING UPSETTING THAT SHE WON’T GET TO FIND OUT FOR ANOTHER NINE DAMN YEARS. Way to go, Skywalker. Another home run.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, Leia, Obi-Wan spends most of his life these days actively trying NOT to imagine what your dad was like.

Recurring Theme: Space Adoptees

Obi-Wan just barely brushes her shoulder with his hand, which is so adorable I am going to expire. He tells her he knows how she feels, because he was adopted too!

He only has fragments of his birth family in his mind:

He even vaguely recalls possibly having a brother, and I am gonna stop you RIGHT THERE, Kenobi, because I need to yeet myself over to Stewjon and LOOK THIS GUY UP. Star Wars, gimme this guy’s number.

Awww!!! AWWWW. Awwwwwww.

Recurring Theme: Double-Crossers

They drive up to a checkpoint, which immediately makes Obi-Wan anxious. Freck reassures them that this won’t be any big deal, because he is a creep and a liar.

Obi-Wan and Leia seem to both sense something is amiss simultaneously, which is adorable:

A trooper approaches the back of the truck, and asks Obi-Wan where he’s headed. He repeats his story about going back to Tawl, but it doesn’t convince this guy. Obi-Wan, you are going to need to smirk at and flirt with people a LOT more than this to get your schemes to work.

They order them out of the vehicle, and bring a probe droid around. The droid is pointed at Obi-Wan, who’s told to raise his head, which he very slowly does:

A split-second later, Obi-Wan opens fire on the droid and the troopers. He kicks ass, and knocks Freck out cold. Good. Get fucked, Freck!

Eventually there’s only one trooper left, but unfortunately, he’s got his mitts on Leia:

Obi-Wan sneaks in a shot and hits his target, and Leia goes running to him. Awww.

The two of them make to get away, but they don’t get far before there’s another group of troopers advancing on them, and they’re commanded to get down. Things look grim…

But they’re in luck, because as it turns out, the Imperial officer with them is, in fact, helping the Rebellion! She mows down the troopers, then instructs Obi-Wan and Leia to come with her.

They go with her, holding hands AGAIN because this show is bound and determined to kill me. Obi-Wan, maybe if you’d held Anakin’s hand more often things would have gone better. I AM JUST SAYING.

Take Me Home

Back at Inquisitors R Us, the team is learning that Reva was correct: Obi-Wan is, in fact, on Mapuzo. The probe sent back an image just before being destroyed. Reva says she’ll go tell Anakin, but the Fifth Brother chimes in to say that he’s already been informed. Reva sneers: he can go ahead and take the credit if he wants…

I mean, I think Vader probably hopes the answer is “Obi-Wan”, but sure.

On Mapuzo, Leia and Obi-Wan’s savior is telling them that the coordinates they were given by Haja were, in fact, correct:

Sure seems like SOMEONE needed to exercise some damn PATIENCE, Master Jedi! She tells them that they have a guy leaving the planet who will take them to safety. She steps away to check to see if the coast is clear to take them to their safehouse.

While they wait, Leia looks glum and Obi-Wan picks up on this and goes to comfort her, because he is the best:

Leia blurts out that she didn’t mean to run away, she was just trying to have fun! She didn’t mean for all this to happen! Obi-Wan assures her it’s not her fault, and Leia sweetly says:

You know who else probably wants to go home? Obi-Wan! Because his home was destroyed and now he lives in a cave! Ha! Ha! It’s fine.

He very kindly puts a reassuring hand on her shoulder, and tells her she’ll be home soon.

Recurring Theme: The Skywalkers and Droids, BFFs

The safehouse they will be using to help them escape is fronted by a droid repair shop, which is all done by machines. Leia is introduced to NED-B, a very large loader droid, and happily introduces him to Lola:

Cute cute cuuute!

The woman they are with explains to Leia that NED isn’t “allowed” to talk because he’s a loader bot, and…OK? Who doesn’t allow it? CAN he talk? What’s happening?

Leia is as confused as I am, and wonders if NED has something to say. The woman replies that “actions speak louder than words”, and with that, NED opens a hatch to a hidden room:

Blast From the Past

They step into the space, and Obi-Wan looks around, asking what this all is. He’s told that they have safehouses like this all over the galaxy.

She tells Obi-Wan that he’s not the first Jedi to come through here, and in hindsight I really should have known they were going to inflict a serious wound on me. Obi-Wan looks SO HEARTBREAKING about this. It’s like a single solitary glimmer of hope has reemerged in him. He’s told that they use this system as a way to get former Jedi to safety, with new identities, by way of Jabiim. Oh good, Jabiim — a planet with a heaping helping of Olde-EU Obikin Angst associated with it — is here in canon now. Everyone fire up your AO3 accounts and brace yourselves.

Leia takes a look at the wall, which has a bunch of scribbles all over it, presumably names of people who’ve been here before. She asks if they’re all Jedi, and is told that the Empire is kidnapping anyone who’s Force-sensitive — even children, who are never heard from again. Not to get too serious in a deeply stupid recap of a show on a Disney streaming service, but the parallels to things like resistance groups in World War II, the underground railroad, and even what’s happening right damn now with the kidnapping and forced relocation of Ukrainian children are pretty hard to overlook.

Obi-Wan takes a look at the wall himself, and sees something familiar:

Yes, Quinlan Vos, the sole person Obi-Wan has almost certainly slept with at least once who DIDN’T die or go insane, apparently. (And with Vos, you know, it was a CLOSE CALL there for a bit.) He’s alive!

AND, as Obi-Wan is informed, he still helps out the cause now and again, smuggling younglings. Obi-Wan has a lot of EMOTIONS about this, and so do I.

He looks like he’s going to either happy cry or sad cry and he’s not sure which yet. Well, welcome to Star Wars, Obes. His friend! Is saving Jedi babies! That’s a pleasant surprise for a change (ANAKIN)!

There’s an inscription next to it on the wall and Leia asks him what it says:

See what, exactly?

Hang on ONE SEC, I’m just gonna step out real quick and ugly cry for 15 hours.

Recurring Theme: Hero Droid

There’s pounding on the outside door and everyone scrambles. NED-B plays doorman, and lets them in. It’s stormtroopers again, and they ask NED if he’s seen a Jedi. NED is 1000% ready to throw down, holding a hammer behind his back during this whole exchange, but says nothing (of course), and stays mostly motionless.

The troopers decide to try a different building, and leave. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief, but such a close call means they need to leave, and fast. Their guide starts to swap into a different disguise, and Leia asks her if she ever feels scared, having to pretend all the time.

I’d say it’s especially worth it if the people you get to help are Obi-Wan and Leia!!

Recurring Theme: The Naberrie Girls Know How To Use a Firearm

Leia spots the woman’s blaster, and excitedly asks her if she can teach Leia how to shoot. Obi-Wan IMMEDIATELY is like NOPE that’s FINE don’t need to be arming any of you people thanks. LOL. The woman observes that Leia might make a good fighter someday.

Oh. Hang in there, Obi-Wan, we’re more than halfway through, and, I regret to inform you that you’re not done feeling ways about things yet.

I Feel Like This Qualifies Me For Writing Credit

Obi-Wan asks the woman why she risks her life for this, and she explains that she joined the Empire before she realized what they really were. She says she’s made mistakes, and Obi-Wan quietly says that they all have, to which she replies:

I CRACKED UP at this. When I watched with my family I was like “I WROTE THAT. I WROTE THAT!”

One of my recaps for The Phantom Menace:

A recap for one of the Star Wars comics:

And that was just after a cursory search. WHY do they insist on winking at me like that? I love it, but I’m scared.

Obi-Wan sadly says he’s just Ben these days, and the woman introduces herself as Tala, and they get ready to flee.

Recurring Theme: When Force Pain Strikes

Tala opens up a doorway to a large tunnel system, but before they can proceed, Obi-Wan starts having a Force Attack. And not the fun kind that helps you save the day or whatever, but more of the “sensing Alderaan blowing up” variety.

Something’s here. Or…someone?

Obi-Wan looks SCARED SHITLESS, and that is sincerely a very valid reaction. And he hasn’t even SEEN Anakin yet! I didn’t even consider until now that while Obi-Wan likely knows Anakin must surely look quite different now what with him having been COMPLETELY ON FIRE the last time he saw him, but he also has no REAL idea of what Vader looks like. And Vader is a LOT.

The townspeople are freaking the fuck out, and we see a shadow of Vader’s helmet. And so does Obi-Wan:

Vader’s here, and he’s doing that slutty model walk he always does.

Obi-Wan’s face is one that truly says “what the fuck” as he comes fully into view:

He ushers Tala and Leia back into the hidden room, and goes back to peer outside once more. What a scene:

I’m wondering how in the world they got Vader to agree to set foot on this planet without a smoke machine for his Grand Entrance (ESPECIALLY this one) but OK.

He pauses and does that head-tilt he does when his Obi-Wan Alarm goes off, and Obi-Wan looks startled and starts to back away from the window a bit.

Vader then does this whole Extreme Evil Guy Routine which I GUESS is to intimidate people and to show how powerful he is, but really sort of has this whiff of “look at what a BAD BOY I am, Obi-Wan”. He chokes people, he snaps necks, he scares everybody. He’s amazing and scary but…he sucks.

Tala pops up behind Obi-Wan and tells him they have to leave, but Obi-Wan isn’t budging. He seems like he’s resigning himself to something. He rushes over to Leia and tells her to go without him: he’ll be right behind her! AHHH. He turns to Tala and tells her to promise him that she’ll get her to Alderaan.

Obi-Wan cautiously steps outside into the street, ducking behind some crates. There are SO MANY CRATES everywhere in the Star Wars Universe, my God.

Vader is like a pet when it hears a food container being opened and his head snaps back in Obi-Wan’s general direction.

I Can’t See No Reason To Put Up A Fight

Obi-Wan responds to this by RUNNING THE HELL AWAY, I’m sure to lure Vader away from Leia, but also because Anakin is scary as all hell. I’d run too, Kenobes, no judgement. Although I think Obi-Wan is forgetting that he has the silver bullet of knowing EXACTLY how to emotionally destroy Vader, so, hopefully he clues into that soon.

But of course, as always Obi-Wan can’t get Anakin to stop clinging to him like the world’s prettiest and then scariest barnacle, and before we know it, Vader’s on the scene:

MY BABIES. BOYS NO DON’T FIGHT.

Obi-Wan gets an eyeful of Anakin, and not in the fun way. He is shocked and devastated:

OK but tell me you can’t see this face also being a precursor to just running at Anakin and wrapping him up in his arms.

He takes this sight in, and promptly sprints away:

Giving The Devil His Due

He gets a bit of a ways away, but Vader’s hot on his trail.

I mean, he CAN. He might not be SUCCESSFUL, but he still CAN. He’s not THAT old, and unlike Anakin he is not a cybernetic tank of a man.

The next bit is shot like a horror movie — it’s dark, Obi-Wan can barely see, and the camera bounces between Obi-Wan’s terrified face and a Blair Witch-style shakycam. This is extra funny because while Anakin is scary as hell, he is also slow, gigantic, breathes as loud as a jet engine, and HE HAS LIGHTS ON HIM. I mean, look at this shot below. He’s still fairly far away and you can see him pretty well. He might as well have a satellite dish and headlights on his head while we’re at it. Maybe a router so Vader can also provide access to the Imperial WiFi wherever he goes. All I’m saying: it’s not like Anakin could have stayed in the shadows for very long.

Vader gets closer, and Obi-Wan is overcome with the horror of what he’s looking at. He asks:

Anakin, in TRUE Anakin style, is like “the mess I am absolutely responsible for is, in fact, Obi-Wan’s fault actually”:

PUH-LEASE, Skywalker. Obi-Wan just continues to gawk at him for another moment or two, before once again bolting. LOL. Again: Obes isn’t QUITE at Max Jedi Capacity at this point in time. He’s still rebooting.

The Inquisitors are terrorizing the townspeople some more, and Reva is stalking through the streets until she comes to the repair shop that is the front for the safehouse, and walks in.

Leia and Tala, meanwhile, are running through the tunnels to get to safety, but Leia is stressed for Obi-Wan. She tells Tala to go help him, that she’ll be OK on her own. Reva zeroes in on the hidden entrance to the safehouse.

Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan vs Anakin

Obi-Wan is walking around in the dark somewhat aimlessly, and seems to sense what’s about to happen just a split second before it does. This next segment is extremely upsetting, so please: enjoy this very awkward screenshot I got as we all try our very best to soothe ourselves with humor:

I still think Obi-Wan should have brought Anakin’s lightsaber with him, too. That way he could dual-wield AND smugly rub in the fact that he still has it. Alas.

They are dueling now, and I am not OK, and Obes is pretty much getting his ass beat. Vader is fighting him brutally but rather artlessly, sort of like when I’m playing Tekken and just win by bashing on the kick button over and over again instead of doing a bunch of cool special moves.

Vader, for his part, seems kind of disappointed: he tells Obi-Wan that the years have made him weak. Yeah GEEZ OBI-WAN, don’t you know he’s been waiting YEARS for this? Stop phoning it in! Do a flip or SOMETHING.

As this happens, Leia convinces Tala to go back and help Obi-Wan. Tala tells Leia to run until she meets up with a pilot who will help her. Leia is like GO GET MY OBI-WAN:

🥺 I really try not to rely on emojis too much when writing these things, but MY GOSH.

The boys are still fighting, and I don’t even know what to say about this shot. Like. On the one hand, I cannot believe I am seeing this with my own two eyes in the year of our Lord 2022. They brought them BACK! Look at them! But also? I can’t explain it but this is also really funny to me:

Look at these pathetic old dudes. God, I know they’re trying to kill each other but I’m so happy to see them and I love them SO MUCH.

Vader tells Obi-Wan that he “should have killed [Vader] when he had the chance”, and really, Obi-Wan should have just yelled back “I THOUGHT I fucking DID, you fucking horrorshow!” Instead, he purposely bursts open a pipe to create a cloud of steam under which to flee, which…Obi-Wan. Come on. You know as well — nay, BETTER — than I do that a gigantic cloud of smoke is only going to encourage him.

Reva makes her way into the safehouse, and looks over all the scribbles on the wall, lingering for a moment on the symbol of the Jedi Order:

Reva, honey? You got any Tragic Backstory you’d like to share with the class? Not yet? OK, you take your time.

She enters the tunnel system, and begins walking. Uh oh!

And I’m Burnin’, I’m Burnin’, I’m Burnin’ For You

So. Ahem. We all know that Star Wars contains a great many canon and non-canon pairings, so many of them just chef’s-kiss-excellent. But I need you to understand that absolutely NONE of them are as fucking crazy about each other than Obi-Wan and Anakin. I don’t even necessarily mean that in a jokey, romantic way: they’re just literally insane about each other.

Vader moves towards Obi-Wan and purposely knocks over a crate of some sort of substance that I can’t quite make out because ONCE AGAIN, everything is in the fucking DARK again. He then, from a bit of a distance, Force-grabs him and lifts him into the air, choking him:

Just when you think this can’t be more painful to watch, Anakin lights a fire:

This bitch has been waiting a decade for this and HOW CONVENIENT that a giant pile of flammable items was at the ready. He tells Obi-Wan that he’ll suffer now, and like…Anakin. ANAKIN. If you think he hasn’t been SUFFERING for AT LEAST ten years already, you really are as dumb as I always say you are.

Anyways. So yeah. He sets Obi-Wan on fire.

Yep, sorry people, but all other Star Wars pairings will forever pale in comparison. THEY SET EACH OTHER ON FIRE.

After a bit of this that feels like it lasts for seventeen thousand years because WHY STAR WARS WHY, Vader makes to carry off Obi-Wan to presumably continue torturing him. Hilariously he instructs a trooper to go get him, like, for fuck’s sake Anakin STOP OUTSOURCING THIS SHIT. Go pick up your Obi-Wan your damn self.

Tala arrives and manages to hit some of the troopers with blaster fire, and all hell breaks loose. NED-B walks into the flames to retrieve a very badly hurt Obi-Wan, and Vader just stands there like a total weirdo, staring at everything:

Recurring Theme: Check Your Logic At the Door

The Inquisitors find out that they lost track of Obi-Wan, and just…how exactly? Tala and NED were able to get THAT far away with an injured man THAT fast? OK. Whatever you say, Star Wars. God, Vader is seriously THE LAZIEST. Sure, he’s waited a decade for this, but one minor crimp in the plan and he’s like “welp, everyone, we’re back to square one”. It’s almost as thought he doesn’t really want to kill Obi-Wan on some level! Hmm.

Tala is tending to Obi-Wan, and I know it’s hard to say but for God’s sake they look like they’re mere feet away from where they were:

Then we cut to Leia, who is barreling into the place where she was to meet up with the pilot. But he’s not there — well, he IS, but he’s dead — and Reva greets her.

OK HOW DID SHE BEAT LEIA HERE? LOL. All right, fine: I guess the tunnel network is more elaborate than I realized. Let’s go with that.

Leia sees the dead pilot, her eyes widen, and she takes off back into the tunnels.

WHEW! Oh my GOD what a beast of a recap this was. If the next episode is even close to as painfully crazy as this one, I’m gonna have to split it into multiple entries, because this was a LOT to cover and I swear WordPress is like, groaning under the weight of trying to save a draft with this many gigantic images.

I’m…gonna try not to think about what awaits us all next. I’m scared. And so, so excited and happy. And frankly surprised that the Blue Öyster Cult song to get referenced on Snark Wars somehow wasn’t, in fact, Don’t Fear the Reaper. Please do join me for the next edition of Snark Wars, which I’m sure will have us all in tears (and Shirtless Obi-Wan, if we’re lucky). Thanks for reading!

Jump to a Section

Subscribe to Snark Wars

Snark Wars on Twitter

Recurring Themes and More

Ahsoka Tano Anakin Is The Worst Employee I Swear to God Anakin Loves Ahsoka Anakin Loves Obi-Wan Anakin Loves Padme Anakin Loves Palpatine Anakin Skywalker - Human Lightning Rod Anakin Skywalker and His Life of Bad Choices Asajj Ventress Bad Ideas of the Jedi Bail Loves Obi-Wan Bail Organa Beru Whitesun Bo-Katan Kryze Boba Fett Bounty Hunters Cad Bane Carnelion IV Chewbacca Count Dooku Crappy Destiny Crystal Quest Dagobah Darksaber Dark Side Foreshadow Darth Sidious Darth Sidious Makes a Guest Appearance as Himself Darth Vader Darth Vader Screws Himself Over Electrocution Enough of That Old Trauma Let's Start Experiencing Some New Trauma Faked Death Force Vision Quest General Grievous Geonosis Han Loves Leia Han Solo Holocrons with the Jedi Order's Famous Chili Recipe Hondo Ohnaka I'm More Powerful Than All of You I'm No Jedi I'm Suing This Show For Pain and Suffering I Am a Jedi Jabba the Hutt Jedi Kids Kolara Leia Organa Luke Loves Obi-Wan Luke Skywalker Luke Skywalker's Neverending Personal Destiny Quests Mace Windu Mandalore Martini Drinking Maul More Bummers Brought to You By Anakin Skywalker Mother Pran Mustafar My Ridiculously Circuitous Plan is One-Quarter Complete No One Can See Me With My Hood On Obi-Wan's Life is the Worst Obi-Wan and Anakin Need Marriage Counseling Obi-Wan Brings People Together Obi-Wan Earns That Paycheck Obi-Wan Loves Anakin Obi-Wan Loves Luke Obi-Wan McSassypants and the Angry One Oblivious to the Obvious One More Thing For Obi-Wan To Discuss with His Therapist Ostentaciousness Is Our Speciality Owen Lars Padme Amidala Padme Loves Anakin Palpatine Strikes Again Pre Vizsla Qui-Gon Jinn Revenge of Revenge of the Sith Rex Ridiculous Complexity Sana Starros Satine Kryze Savage Oppress Secret History Reveal Sithtacular Sithtacular Tarkin Tatooine The Beginning of the End Again The Dark Side Stole My Boyfriend The Dark Times The Death Watch Is Not A Shitty Band The Jedi Council's Greatest Hits The Unbearable Sadness of Obi-Wan This Show Is Insane Tragic Backstory Tuskens Undercover Why Are You Doing This To Me Filoni Haven't I Suffered Enough Why Knock When You Can Just Badass Your Way In Wistful Sunset Gazing Yoda You Can Kill Pretty Much Anyone Except Maul

Subscribe to Snark Wars

Snark Wars on Twitter

More Snark From the Archives

Star Wars #10: Game On

Luke gets like the only real saber combat training he’s ever going to get (and unsurprisingly it’s from a guy who’s trying to kill him); the ladies don’t all exactly love Han Solo.

Subscribe to Snark Wars

Enter your email below, and you'll get a message every time a new recap is posted. (And Obi-Wan will be proud of you.)