STAR WARS RECAPS AND COMMENTARY. (THE FUN KIND.)

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Return of the King

Obi-Wan Kenobi, Teaser Trailer

…you’d think I’d have been more prepared.

…I mean you’d really think after all of these years, that I’d have been more able to cope.

Friends, I was not. I am not. I will never be. It’s entirely possible that this show will end my life.

Sometime not long after Disney bought Lucasfilm, I was puttering around on the Star Wars Internet, as many very foolish people with no sense of self-preservation do, and I saw a comment somewhere about whether or not people thought Disney might bankroll an Obi-Wan movie. I was like “wow, that’d be something I’d LOVE! But they’ll never do it. They’re gonna be scared of the prequels forever.”

Well, apparently Disney went through my files and realized how MUCH of my money they’ve gotten over the years, and were like “yeah, we could shake her down for some more cash and throw her a bone while we’re at it”. So here we are. Six episodes of Obi-Wan, coming our way. Somewhere in the 4.5 HOURS TOTAL range. Lord help me. And right now? We’re at the best possible point in this whole ordeal: everyone is hyped, we have a trailer to flip out over, and the show hasn’t done anything to piss too many people off yet.

So, before long we’ll be taken on a journey with our pal Obes, repeat winner of the Star Wars Saddest Plotline Ever Award and the lifetime titleholder of Love of My Star Wars Life. Set ten years after Anakin’s Epic Fuck-Up, we’ll meet up once again with our favorite desert hobo and see what hot garbage the galaxy has in store for him this time. What sorts of painful flashbacks might we get? Will Obi-Wan do any Handsome Crying? Exactly HOW ridiculous will Anakin be this time?

All things we’ll have to wait to know. In the meantime, we’ve got this appetizer course to tide us over.

Come cry with me. This is the series you’re looking for, and, let’s be real: it’s the series I’ve been training for. My time has finally come, readers. Let’s go.

Recurring Theme: St. Kenobi of Assisi

What a surprise: we open with sand! Yes, we’re on Tatooine, one of the galaxy’s top hot mess drama planets where I assume Hondo Ohnaka has won at least one drinking contest. What a very new aesthetic for us, especially having just spent almost all of The Book of Boba Fett on this godforsaken planet, to say nothing of the 59 other times we’ve been here.

MY MAN. He is there he is in the desert DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM TELLING YOU ALL??

And HE HAS AN ANIMAL FRIEND:

We’re 8 seconds into the TEASER TRAILER and this show is already delivering the goods. Also dig his poncho ensemble! Jedi Hobo Chic is BACK IN STYLE FOR 2022!

God, I love him. I love this.

Recurring Theme: The Unbearable Sadness of Obi-Wan

We are then treated to this EXCELLENT silhouette as my boy rightfully speaks the first few lines:

I’m so glad That One Chunk of His Hair is back for this project. I have missed it so. Also just LOOK AT HIM. LOOK.

So, yeah: Obes is saying these words to someone whose identity has not been revealed to us just yet, but who most likely has some kind of Mysterious Jedi Backstory. And Obi-Wan? Well let’s just say the poor guy sounds like he could use a hug and some soup and maybe an SSRI or twelve.

Well, at least there wasn’t any Horrible Heart-Shattering Betrayal involved in that loss or anything. At least each and every one of the Jedi gave it their all to the last without losing their everloving minds and throwing in with an evil warlock. GODDAMNIT ANAKIN.

Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Creeper

Yes, it sure sounds like some of the fight’s gone out of our sad little space peanut. But not to worry: even if he’s unshowered and covered in dust and sand and his heart has been steamrollered, he’s still taking care of at least one task. We see him sitting and looking out at something

…and then we see what it is. Or, rather, who.

I have been impolitely asking for this content for more years than I can recall, and now that it’s happening I am questioning all of my life choices. MY LORD IT’S BABY LUKE AND HE’S A GIANT ASS NERD JUST LIKE HIS DAD.

Obi-Wan, in the voiceover, admonishes whoever he’s talking to to “stay hidden”, and then we see my man’s glorious FACE and HAIR and BEARD:

I cannot overemphasize how deeply not OK I am about anything that has transpired since the promotional materials for this show began getting released. Just be glad I didn’t make you sit through an entire full-length entry where I just somehow recapped the POSTER for it, because God knows I probably could have. His grey temples! His FACE! His WILD MANE THAT IS WAVING IN THE BREEZE. Those fingerless gloves! I had precious little left of my mind going into this but I think we can all agree I have none of it left now.

Recurring Theme: Send My Therapy Bills to Lucasfilm

The captioning on the next bit does NOT do it justice, because it just says “Choral Music” when what it SHOULD say is HERE IS THE PART WHERE DUEL OF THE FUCKING FATES KICKS IN. I scream, you scream, we all scream because we know what’s up.

So now we hand the mic over to the Grand Inquisitor, who is here to drop some absolutely wonderful and DEEPLY UPSETTING material on us all. He explains:

Well I guess we know why Vader had to have a squad of Inquisitors set up to find them, then, since we all know Anakin has absolutely no patience at all whatsoever and so presumably was quite bad at doing so himself.

Oh, but he’s not done. Time to cry! His words continue as we cut to Obi-Wan looking sad and beautiful:

Look at all these chumps just sitting next to him on the space bus. GUYS IT’S OBI-WAN. HE JUMPS OUT OF HIGH-RISE WINDOWS AND SWOOSHED AROUND IN HIS LITTLE JEDI KNIGHT GETUP FOR YEARS AND HE’S KILLED 50% OF DARTH MAUL AT THIS POINT IN THE TIMELINE. Give him some water! Ask him if he’s OK! Ask for his autograph! Hell, the Jedi aren’t required to be celibate and at this rate he could probably use a hot one night stand so ask him out! Damn, people!

He goes on, and we see some rough business indeed happening:

UNCLE OWEN UNCLE OWEN! Also, “their compassion leaves a trail” DESTROYS ME. Oh the Jedi. I love those sweet hot do-gooder dweebs SO MUCH.

Then we see this Hot Inquisitor Lady on a new planet:

…and the Grand Inquisitor is definitely a graduate of the Star Wars School for Villains, because he’s still going:

I am dying that this premise — that Obi-Wan is so good, so COMPELLED to help and do good deeds and show COMPASSION that you can use it to LURE HIM INTO A TRAP — has been done MULTIPLE TIMES ALREADY. And this dude’s not wrong! It always works! I love this. I hate this. Obi-Wan is the best. He looks so good here, again, still. Also you all KNOW that robe is getting flung off in a not at all sexual manner at some point in this series and I expect it to be giffed IMMEDIATELY.

Now the Grand Inquistor demands to know: where is he? and we are delightfully treated to the very very silly spinning lightsabers of Star Wars: Rebels fame:

So goofy. So Star Wars.

Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Getting Back to Work

Tiiiiiiime for a tagline, along with a bunch of random shots of things!

Yes, FINE, I’m crying. Did I mention that the music in this thing just goes like COMPLETELY balls to the wall, too? Duel of the Fates, Battle of the Heroes to be absolutely sure that I never have a moment of mental wellness again…there is JUST SO MUCH HAPPENING.

For good measure, we get more of Obi-Wan’s face, which is what I deserve:

Star Wars just served up a heaping helping of Disheveled Old Desert Hobo for me, specifically, and I’ve never been more grateful for anything in my life.

And that’s the end! BUT! You will absolutely never EVER guess who manages to shoehorn his way into the spotlight as the title pops up:

One of the very last things we hear is a Vader breath, because OF FUCKING COURSE WE DO. Yes Anakin, we all know you’re in this and we’re all excited about it but BUTT OUT, BUDDY. You’ll be showing up to ruin Obi-Wan’s day again soon enough.

Oh my God. OH MY GOD! Guys, it’s real. They really did the thing, they made the show, they put him back in a Jedi costume! I am overjoyed, and so excited. I sure hope Ewan appreciates what surely must have been the MASSIVE payday I have personally helped him earn with my constant demands for this show for what feels like eternity now. 😉 I will see you all in this space again soon. I cannot WAIT to recap this one for you all.

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Recurring Themes and More

Ahsoka Tano Anakin Is The Worst Employee I Swear to God Anakin Loves Ahsoka Anakin Loves Obi-Wan Anakin Loves Padme Anakin Loves Palpatine Anakin Skywalker - Human Lightning Rod Anakin Skywalker and His Life of Bad Choices Asajj Ventress Bad Ideas of the Jedi Bail Loves Obi-Wan Bail Organa Beru Whitesun Bo-Katan Kryze Boba Fett Bounty Hunters Cad Bane Carnelion IV Chewbacca Count Dooku Crappy Destiny Crystal Quest Dagobah Darksaber Dark Side Foreshadow Darth Sidious Darth Sidious Makes a Guest Appearance as Himself Darth Vader Darth Vader Screws Himself Over Electrocution Enough of That Old Trauma Let's Start Experiencing Some New Trauma Faked Death Force Vision Quest General Grievous Geonosis Han Loves Leia Han Solo Holocrons with the Jedi Order's Famous Chili Recipe Hondo Ohnaka I'm More Powerful Than All of You I'm No Jedi I'm Suing This Show For Pain and Suffering I Am a Jedi Jabba the Hutt Jedi Kids Kolara Leia Organa Luke Loves Obi-Wan Luke Skywalker Luke Skywalker's Neverending Personal Destiny Quests Mace Windu Mandalore Martini Drinking Maul More Bummers Brought to You By Anakin Skywalker Mortis Mother Pran Mustafar My Ridiculously Circuitous Plan is One-Quarter Complete Obi-Wan's Life is the Worst Obi-Wan and Anakin Need Marriage Counseling Obi-Wan Brings People Together Obi-Wan Earns That Paycheck Obi-Wan Loves Anakin Obi-Wan Loves Luke Obi-Wan McSassypants and the Angry One Oblivious to the Obvious One More Thing For Obi-Wan To Discuss with His Therapist Ostentaciousness Is Our Speciality Owen Lars Padme Amidala Padme Loves Anakin Palpatine Strikes Again Pre Vizsla Qui-Gon Jinn Revenge of Revenge of the Sith Rex Ridiculous Complexity Sana Starros Satine Kryze Savage Oppress Secret History Reveal Sith Eyes Sithtacular Sithtacular Tarkin Tatooine The Beginning of the End Again The Dark Side Stole My Boyfriend The Dark Times The Death Watch Is Not A Shitty Band The Jedi Council's Greatest Hits The Unbearable Sadness of Obi-Wan This Show Is Insane Tragic Backstory Undercover Why Are You Doing This To Me Filoni Haven't I Suffered Enough Why Knock When You Can Just Badass Your Way In Wistful Sunset Gazing Yoda You Can Kill Pretty Much Anyone Except Maul

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