STAR WARS RECAPS AND COMMENTARY. (THE FUN KIND.)

The Clone Wars, Season 7, Episode 9: Hell Week

The Clone Wars, Season 7, Episode 9: Old Friends Not Forgotten 

I just sighed the weariest sigh as I sat down to begin writing this recap. Oh, sure: I’ve been demanding Star Wars show me this particular content for a long time. I’ve probably referred to my angst about not being given this arc here on Snark Wars at least a dozen times over the years. So, yes: if there’s any arc I’m practically legally-obligated to cover on this site, this one is surely it. This is my moment. This is the content I was born to recap (at least until they give me that alleged Kenobi series, which I presume will include copious amounts of handsome crying and shirtless yoga). (At least it BETTER.)

And yet. AND YET. I mean, do we need to cover this content? Must we? Is this pain we all need in our lives? Could we not, say, continue on in ignorance, telling ourselves that this is totally gonna be the time that Anakin doesn’t, you know, do that? Can my caps lock key weather the extensive abuse it will surely sustain if I write this up?

Very well. If Obi-Wan’s gotta go through all this (continued) bullshit, then I guess I should, too.

All right, kids: so here we are, at last, at The Siege of Mandalore — the long-rumored, hotly-anticipated, assuredly-painful final arc of The Clone Wars. The arc for those of us who came away from Revenge of the Sith thinking that we’d really like to see all of these characters suffer some more, I guess. Let’s queue things up, shall we?

Previously, on Dave Filoni Likes To Make Nerds Cry For Fun and Profit, Ahsoka “Still on the Jedi Order Mailing List” Tano had wrapped up her latest adventures with Shocking Information: Mandalore is in trouble! Again! Still! I FOR ONE AM VERY SURPRISED, because usually Mandalore is super chill and is home to the most laid-back people ever. Incidentally, I would like to take this moment to note that in the very first Snark Wars article ever, which I wrote only a scant four years or so ago but may as well have happened centuries ago in an alternate universe for how much time it feels has passed since then, THESE were the first words I EVER PUBLISHED:

LITTLE DID I EVEN KNOW, readers. Keep in mind that I wrote that before Maul’s Obitine-Themed Hovel of Vengeance, before Sabine and Bo got the Darksaber back (and we got that AMAZING story about the Mando Jedi who made it), before Baby Yoda got adopted, before whatever insanity is assuredly gonna happen with Moff Gideon and the LIVE ACTION DARKSABER in the next season of The Mandalorian, and I am CACKLING right now because at the time I wrote those words above, basically none of what I just wrote now would have even made remote sense to me. Star Wars has had a wild few years.

So, Mandalore’s got problems, again, and you will all be additionally shocked beyond words to learn that a key component of the current troubles is Maul, a now-former Sith Lord who — fun fact — legit died one time, back in simpler times when I still had braces, and we all thought death was actually a thing that happens in this universe. Indeed, Maul and his second set of robot legs are back on Mandalore — which he took over once upon a time, and then lost control of, and then a bunch of other stuff happened to him in some supplemental materials, and now basically he’s just out there being his eeeevil underworld crime boss self again. And you will never, ever guess who he’s hoping to run into! (But I’m getting ahead of myself.)

Shortly after finding out that Maul is still lurking around like the unkillable cockroach he is, Ahsoka had been approached by Bo-Katan Kryze, the sister of Mandalore’s former ruler Satine Kryze who, before she was murdered partly for mirroring purposes, was a Staunch Pacifist Who Enjoyed Yelling. (She was also in all probability one of the admittedly likely very large number of people who’ve seen Obi-Wan naked, but I digress.) Bo asked Ahsoka to come help them get Maul the hell out of their hair finally, and while Ahsoka was understandably a little iffy about the whole thing (possibly because she recalls that time Bo slapped her on the ass in this series), she ultimately agreed to pitch in — even if it means having to talk to her embarrassing family. I sure do hope nothing shocking and urgent like the Chancellor staging his own kidnapping comes up in the middle of all this! Ugh.

So: the stage is set. The clock is ticking. Everyone is sleep deprived, the trap’s long been sprung, and there’s no turning back. We all know how it ends — and now? It’s time for the galaxy’s worst-ever week to begin. Remember to put on your own oxygen mask first before assisting others, please take note of the exit nearest to you, and remember that in the unlikely event of a water landing, your seat cushion can be used to float upon the sea of our collective fandom tears. I know you had a choice in Star Wars recap providers today, and I thank you for choosing Snark Wars to guide you through this experience.

Let’s go.

Recurring Theme: We’re On the Road to Nowhere Good

Ah, good: we kick things off with a bright-red Clone Wars title logo, which is Star Wars shorthand for “Maul will be here to fuck shit up for everyone in this episode”. Voiceover Recap Guy butts in to yell at us about how the Outer Rim Sieges of Movie Canon Fame are happening! Wonderful. Led by Grievous, the Separatists are really sticking it to the Republic! Bad times are being had by all!

In response to this latest (but not last!) wave of bullshit, the Jedi have shipped a whole bunch of their generals out across the galaxy to help out the very taxed Grand Army of the Republic. Oh, well, isn’t that nice? I am sure the clones will be very grateful for the assistance.

Some generals who are out pitching in? Why, Depa Billaba and her wee tiny Padawan Caleb Dume:

We are NOT EVEN ONE FULL MINUTE into this thing and this is what I am being made to see with my own two eyes. Baby Caleb. BABY KANAN JARRUS. You know, he’s just out there, Learning and Growing and Being Lovingly Teased by his clone buddies:

Commander Grey’s just gonna have to step away for a minute to take a quick call, but then they can all definitely get back to this heartwarming bonding! Ha! Ha! Kill me.

(…who’s cool with what’s happening so far? Hands?)

Depa’s not the only one out there fighting the rigged fight, either! Like, for example, Plo Koon!

How about that! Also Aayla Secura!

Boy do these shots look eerily reminiscent of something I’ve seen before! I sure do hope no one starts playing any Sorrowful Music or anything! Nah, they’ve totally got this. They’re the Jedi, guys! And they’ve got the GAR on their side! HOW CAN THEY LOSE?

We then cut to Yerbana, a planet whose name sounds more like the name of a pharmaceutical to treat moderate to severe rheumatoid arthritis or psoriasis or to help lower your A1C levels (can you tell I’ve been watching a lot of daytime United States TV lately?), where Commander Cody of the 212th is in need of help: as it happens, there is a giant missile pretty much headed directly for him at the moment.

Perhaps someone can fit a Dramatic Entrance into his schedule and assist!

Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Fucking Glorious Space Wizard

Yes, suddenly and swiftly and handsomely, The Great and Powerful Obes appears and intervenes at just the right moment, saving Cody’s life (don’t worry I’m super sure Cody will return the favor soon):

I was all set to be like “fair warning everyone, Obi-Wan is really good-looking in this episode” but honestly why even mention it at this point? Obi-Wan is handsome, the sun rises in the east, water is wet.

One thing Obi-Wan is in addition to being handsome in this episode, though, which merits a special shoutout because it’s especially noticeable this time, is fucking exhausted. He looks SO tired. I want someone to run out onto the battlefield and throw a Snuggie over him and just gently lead him away. LET HIM REST.

…but there’s no time for that now (I’m sure Obes will have PLENTY of free time starting in about a week or so, *sobs*), and he and his men take cover behind some wreckage:

LOOK AT HIS SAD DIRTY OUTFIT. LOOK AT HIS FACE. I’m so sad for him. THIS IS ALL ALREADY VERY MUCH NOT OK. HUG THIS MAN SOMEONE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

Cody explains that they’re looking for the tactical droid in charge of this onslaught, but he’s staying hidden, which is putting a cramp in their ability to make any headway here. Obi-Wan continues to look glorious and asks the least surprising question ever:

Recurring Theme: Right Here Waiting For You

And, conveniently, he gets the least surprising response in return: Anakin’s already there! Right by his side! As always! BFFs FOREVER AMIRITE?!

Terrifyingly, Obi-Wan allows Anakin to have The High Ground here for a moment as he approaches.

Anakin then proceeds to just be a totally cocky little shit here, acting all blasé as carnage erupts all around them because YAWN THIS ISN’T EVEN THAT BAD, plusalso he totally has a plan. I mean, they COULD just stay here and hide out with Obes and Co. and allow the good people of Yerbana (“Ask your doctor if Yerbana is right for you!“) to suffer longer…

Obi-Wan, a decade-plus into all of Anakin’s nonsense, relents:

Just think, guys: mere days from now, if we pretend the Revenge of the Sith book is canon (WHICH IT IS AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED) these two fools are gonna be dangling moments from death in that elevator shaft and Obi-Wan is gonna recognize Anakin’s ass on sight despite the fact that he’s hanging upside down and recently just sustained head trauma. I’m bringing this up only in an attempt to keep things as light as possible given the circumstances.

Recurring Theme: Fake Surrender to Buy Time

Ah, turns out Anakin’s plan isn’t all that different from one of Obes’ after all: the Fake Surrender! A classic. The battle droids take note of Anakin’s approach and he looks HILARIOUSLY Vaderish as he stalks his way over there:

LOL. It’s like watching the Terminator approach, for God’s sake. Just as the droids take aim at him, he puts his hands up and tells them to hold their fire: he surrenders! They’re so obviously outmatched here, what choice did they have? And let me tell you: this phoney-baloney overacting routine of Anakin’s here is ABSOLUTELY a byproduct of YEARS of watching Obi-Wan bullshit his way across all of known space, right down to this dorky little bow:

What a nerd. While Anakin continues to blather on about how very much the Separatists have definitely kicked their ass, Artoo peers over and relays an update to Rex and the 501st, who are all clinging upside-down to the underside of this bridge like a colony of bats.

Rex is pleased with the latest, and tells the men they’ll only have to “hang in there” a little longer, because everyone in this space family has the worst pun-based sense of humor ever. The rest of the men in the Clone Colony here agree with me:

Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, Warming Up

Fortunately for Anakin, the battle droids are very dumb, and they take the bait. Wondering why the hell everyone’s stopped firing, the elusive and less-dumb tactical droid appears:

Anakin uses this as the cue to alert Artoo and the rest of the gang to spring into action, and he Force-yanks the tactical droid over to him, lopping his head off in one swift motion:

Not to worry, everybody! This is definitely the only time Anakin will behead anyone this week. Probably. It’s, it’s not as though that lightsaber of his is about to enact untold amounts of carnage amidst a genocide or anything. This is a family program! That is definitely not on the menu. And besides, Anakin’s a good guy! Wh–, what would even make you think that he would — I mean that’d be — nah. Not Anakin! He’s just gonna go home and put on some sweatpants and turn on a soap opera and pass out under a big fluffy blanket after 5 minutes and Obi-Wan’s gonna fall asleep next to him as soon as he gets back from handing Grievous his metal ass while Mace Windu expertly sends Sheev to hell. Right? Right. Yes. I’m pretty sure I’m right about this.

With the tactical droid taken out of commission, the 501st jumps into action, blowing shit up and mowing down droids. Obi-Wan briefly gives Cody this look of “that’s my boy” in re: Anakin’s plan, and then Cody is basically like DAD CAN I CAN I CAN I?

LOL. Awww. With that, the 212th jumps into the fray.

Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Loves Anakin

Anakin stands around looking pleased with himself because what else is new, and Obi-Wan approaches him to smile at him and tell him he did a good job and I truly, TRULY do not understand how even with all the Sith Machinations and Tragic Missteps and whatever that Anakin “Tell Me I’m Good” Skywalker got all this praise heaped on him by Obi-Wan MULTIPLE TIMES IN A SINGLE WEEK and he STILL opted to help burn down the entire fucking universe.

Like…who DOES that? Who is like “OK cool, Obi-Wan loves me and is proud of me, guess now I’ll go ruin everything he ever believed in and kill his whole family and then try to murder him when he doesn’t agree that any of this was a good idea”? ANAKIN GODDAMNIT IT IS TOO EARLY IN THIS RECAP FOR ME TO BE THIS EXHAUSTED WITH YOUR LIFE CHOICES.

Anakin snarks back that Obi-Wan’s whole state of helplessness really helped sell his bogus surrender story, and Obi-Wan quips that he’s always glad to help his friend. Then they just stand there smiling at each other like a couple of dweebs who care about each other and I’m honestly so offended that Star Wars would make me look at this right now.

Before we can endure any more Brotastic Good-Natured Ribbing or Wistful Smiles or Painful Declarations of Love, Anakin’s comm goes off. It’s the long-suffering Admiral Yularen, and he’s got news for Anakin: someone’s trying to contact him using the “Fulcrum” frequency. Anakin initially assumes this means it’s Saw Gerrera, who is still fighting the good fight over on Onderon and is, presumably, still in possession of a lot more of a grip on reality than he will be in Rogue One. Yularen says it’s not Saw, and that Anakin — and Obi-Wan — better come see for themselves who it is.

Give Me Some Time, I’m Living in Twilight

They get back to the ship and Anakin is all yeah yeah yeah, why the hell did you drag us back here, and well before he’s even done saying this JUST LOOK AT OBI-WAN’S FACE as he takes in who’s on the line:

Yep, this is a Historically Significant Skype Call if ever there was one. Obi-Wan takes a moment from his own worry to cast a quick side glance at Anakin, which does not at all make me feel several very painful emotions at once, thanks, as we get the reveal:

It’s Ahsoka! IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME YOU CALLED YOUR PARENTS, GIRL. They won’t live forever, you know. (Oh, wait.) One thousand credits says Anakin and Obi-Wan have BOTH been sending her checks in the mail for food and the laundromat and “fun money” on the sly and not telling the other.

Anakin makes one of his patented “I have no idea what the fuck is going on and yet I somehow have a lot of feelings about it” faces in response to this Dramatic Turn of Events:

And guess who’s still mostly concerned about Anakin here?

Yes, it’s Obi-Wan, despite the fact that Ahsoka was his daughter too and also Bo-Katan is standing right next to her and the last time he saw Bo was when all THIS happened:

Oh, we have FUN here in Star Wars, don’t we? Also I know that it’s partially because the animation is even better than it was in season 5 BUT LOOK HOW MUCH OLDER AND SADDER AND TIRED-ER OBI-WAN LOOKS since ‘Til Darth Do Us Part. Wasn’t that like, a year ago, tops? (Knowing how time and memory works in Star Wars, it was probably like 3 weeks ago, and yet everyone is going to address each other like they barely remember one another because It Was All So Very Long Ago and Far Far Away, like how people think Luke Skywalker wasn’t even real a few scant decades after Return of the Jedi, or how all the good guys in The Mandalorian know nothing about the Force and apparently assume Baby Yoda is healing people with the power of pure cuteness.)

…anyways, yes: Obi-Wan is concerned about Anakin, also known as being on his Default Setting. Anakin gets himself partially together and with barely contained excitement is like “Hiii! Oh my God, how are you???? Are you OK??? Have you been eating? Did you get those hilarious memes I sent you?? Why haven’t you joined the group text???” and Ahsoka? Ain’t having it. She’s got bigger fish to fry, and so she curtly cuts him off and is like “yeah I’m fine, no time to talk, I’ve got some Urgent Kenobi Pain to serve up.”

Obi-Wan, clearly sensing that yet another wave of needless pain is headed his way, leans in as Anakin frowns because he has SO much gossip to share with Ahsoka and she won’t even engage!

I shouldn’t laugh, because I do feel bad for him and I get why he feels rejected here, but they’re in the middle of something important and Ahsoka needs to get down to business and Anakin looks like a wounded puppy, for God’s sake. He is POUTING. His ability to be the biggest angriest badass in the entire universe and then IMMEDIATELY pivot to being like “Ahsoka didn’t even like my status update but it’s fine I guess 😔” IS MY FAVORITE.

I love that Obi-Wan’s face is like “oh god what bullshit is this gonna be”. He knows. He knows.

Ahsoka explains:

Yes, Maul’s been located. And they think that if they move swiftly, they can capture him.

Team Handsome pretty much needs a canned audience “oooooh!” sound to punctuate their exchanged glances here:

OH MY GOD THEY LOOK SO SAD. THEY LOOK SO WORRIED. Run, boys: RUN FAR AWAY. There’s gotta be a spot in the universe that doesn’t get cell reception where you can hide out in short shorts drinking margaritas for a few years. IT’S PROBABLY NOT LIKE THINGS COULD END UP GOING WORSE IF YOU JUST DON’T SHOW UP FOR THE FINALE HERE, LET’S BE REAL.

This scene ends with them both looking more or less like crying, or maybe I’m just thinking about myself here.

Anakin Skywalker, Winner of The Qui-Gon Jinn “Jumping to Convenient Conclusions” Award

Anakin and Obi-Wan do a little walk-and-talk as our next scene gets underway, and Anakin is like AH-HA! Of COURSE! It all makes sense now! Ahsoka HAD to leave the Order, because she had to! Because she was supposed to be helping Bo-Katan! EVERYTHING DEFINITELY AND TOTALLY MAKES SENSE NOW!

Sure. Just like that time in Master and Apprentice where Qui-Gon misinterpreted a prophecy, and covered his ass by being like “Yes! Naturally! I was supposed to fuck it up!”

…I feel like this is actually how like 90% of world leaders are operating right now. We live in fun times.

ANYHOW, Obi-Wan listens to this warily, presumably because he’s sat through this song and dance a few trillion times, and is like “yeah I guess that’s one way to look at it”, to which Anakin jumps in front of him and is like NO, you don’t GET IT:

Translation: it is the only way ANAKIN can look at it without spiraling into despair yet again. This guy? Does not like it when life just sucks because it sucks, and really, this is 100% on brand with everything else we know about Anakin “We Should Just Make All The People Agree and That Will Solve All the Problems and Also No One Should Ever Die” Skywalker. He does not do well with change. At all.

Anakin goes on to be like HEL-LO, Obi-Wan, we’re gonna capture Maul? FINALLY?!

LOL that Obi-Wan would ever be EXCITED about literally anything to do with having to see Maul again. Technically he’s only seen Maul, what, four, five times total? Or so? And every single one of those times has been horrible and like SEVENTY-FIVE PERCENT OF THEM have involved someone he cares about getting murdered. Obi-Wan is a smart man; he can look at the numbers and know there’s a pretty good reason why “excited” should not be an emotion he’s feeling right now.

Recurring Theme: Everything New Is Old Again

Obi-Wan says that he is “cautiously optimistic” (*sob*), and the two of them walk over as the ship carrying Ahsoka approaches. You know: JUST LIKE THEY DID AT THE BEGINNING:

Except, you know, instead of being all salty and “who the fuck are you?” about seeing Ahsoka, ANAKIN HAS THE VERY SWEET LITTLE SMILE ON HIS FACE THAT OBI-WAN HAD THE FIRST TIME AND I HATE IT HERE:

At the sight of Ahsoka departing the ship, Artoo goes Full Beloved Family Dog Mode and rolls out to greet her and she PETS HIM:

We needed more Artoo Sequel Trilogy Content. I am right about this.

Anakin once again is like HEY AHSOKA AHHH THIS IS SO GREAT and yet again, Ahsoka is like “no thank you” in an effort to get back down to the task at hand while Anakin looks all feels-hurt again:

Everyone shares Meaningful Glances as Bo tells the group that every minute they waste is a minute Maul has to get away and, I dunno, drink whatever potion is keeping him alive and that will probably be used someday to explain how he inevitably survived Obi-Wan killing him the second time. Obi-Wan nods and says that he understands, and leads the group to another place to discuss further.

As they leave, Anakin takes a moment to do that thing people do on soap operas where they just silently Have Emotions while the music goes all dramatic:

Anakin really looks like he’s gonna cry, you guys! I AM SO SAD FOR HIM. Like, not sad enough to stop dragging him for even one single entry, but very sad nonetheless. MY POOR BABY, IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY.

Recurring Theme: The Republic Should Save Mandalore But Also It Definitely Shouldn’t

They go to a conference room and Ahsoka explains that Bo-Katan has been tracking Maul’s movements for a while, and that Ahsoka herself was able to get some transmission codes from the Pykes on Oba Diah, and while Anakin is all “what were YOU doing there?!”, all I can think of is that that’s the place where this happened:

13

Have I told you lately that I love them? I really, really do. Bless this stupid show.

Ahsoka brushes off Anakin’s question as “not really relevant right now” (LOL), and Bo explains that what IS relevant here…

Yessssss, this means we’ll be on our way soon to the First New Age Church of Mandalore Throne Room and Convention Center, a ridiculous location in a galaxy full of ridiculous locations.

Obi-Wan asks Bo if she’s sure, and she confirms that he arrived two days ago. Obi-Wan wonders why the hell she doesn’t just go get him her damn self — or, really, what the hell exactly she wants from the Republic, which in case you all forgot the 87 trillion times they’ve been through this, Mandalore IS NOT PART OF AND DOES NOT WANT TO BE PART OF.

Bo admits, with some mild embarrassment, that she simply doesn’t have enough people.

She doesn’t want Maul to escape again, and that’s only achievable with a complete lockdown of the city. Maul being the coronavirus of the galaxy does sound fairly accurate, all things considered. You think you’ve gotten rid of him, then he pops up again somewhere else, no one knows how to completely eradicate him and there’s a good chance he’ll become a recurring scourge for God knows how long with God knows how much carnage in his wake.

Anakin and Obi-Wan exchange yet another Team Handsome Meaningful Glace…

…and Obi-Wan calmly explains that IF the Republic gets involved…

Oh, good: Obes is stuck between yet another rock and yet another hard place. Story of his goddamned life. He continues that doing this would draw them into ANOTHER war. Bo seems unimpressed and counters: “what’s one more?”

Recurring Theme: The Unbearable Sadness of Obi-Wan

Anakin randomly decides to be a voice of reason here and is like uh…

Bo looks put out and Obi-Wan tells her he’ll go have a poorly-lit conversation with the Jedi Council about this, and Bo is like OH THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT and goes for the jugular: Maul sucks and my people need help!

Um. Bo? YOU HELPED BRING MAUL TO MANDALORE IN THE FIRST DAMN PLACE. YOU WERE PART OF THE GROUP THAT TRIED TO MURDER HER FIRST. Like. I’m just…saying. GLASS HOUSES, LADY.

She throws this in there:

When I watched this with my family, one of my kids laughed and yelled out “Geez, harsh! And rude!” ACCURATE.

While I condone none of what is happening to Obi-Wan right now, we do get another fine addition to the collection of Anakin Skywalker Faces in response to this low blow:

Normally I’d expect Anakin to be angrier about someone shitting on Obi-Wan, but we also know he’s more than a liiiiiiiittle uneasy being reminded about how Obi-Wan has cared for and about someone other than Anakin at some point. NOT COOL, OR AUTHORIZED.

Hooray, hooray: time to cry!

HOW DARE YOU, DAVID FILONI. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF. Obi-Wan has all….that to deal with like, later this week, and you’re gonna make him feel feelings about THIS AGAIN? IN FRONT OF EVERYONE?! I have never been more offended on behalf of a person who does not exist IN MY LIFE.

Obi-Wan Kenobi, Actually Read The Manual

Despite his ongoing terrible painful life, though, Obi-Wan explains:

I WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT that not ONLY is he saying this because it’s like, a cornerstone of Not Fucking Up While Being a Psychic Space Wizard 101, HE ALSO KNOWS WHAT HAPPENED WHEN HE WENT TO MANDALORE LAST TIME BECAUSE OF FEELINGS. Namely, this:

A6

…and this:

A25

…and this:

A18

Yeah, GOSH Obi-Wan! Why don’t you just put on that outrageously hot red Mando armor and go throw the hell down over there? SEEMS LIKE A GREAT IDEA.

Naturally, Anakin gets moderately judgey about this, because terrible ideas based on feelings usually sound good to him:

Obes declares that the Council will decide what’s to be done here, and he walks out of the room. Bo hisses to Ahsoka that she TOLD her this was a waste of time, and leaves herself. Anakin turns to Ashoka and is like COULDA BEEN WORSE, HUH?

Recurring Theme: Unexpected Gift of a Large Number of Identical Men

Ahsoka wryly notes that things are just as dopey here as ever:

Anakin smirks and asks if that’s a bad thing, to which Ahsoka hilariously does not answer either way. He tells her to follow him: he’s a got a surprise for her. The two make their way down a hallway and passing clones salute them both, which makes Ahsoka uncomfortable:

Anakin replies that the clones haven’t forgotten everything she did for them, and loyalty means everything to them. That’s why they’ve done a little art project!

Ah ha ha ha ha ha haaaaa, this is one of those things where we all KNEW this was going to happen and were flat-out TOLD to expect it and yet my heart just exploded? AHHH.

Yes, a portion of the 501st has done up their helmets Ahsoka-style. She’s moved:

REX’S FACE. This is so sweet? WHY AM I BEING MADE TO SEE THIS.

He tells her it’s good to have her back, and addresses her as “Commander”, which she says isn’t necessary.

Awww. AWWW.

And there’s more, because of course there is, because Star Wars hates us all. Anakin says he’s got one more surprise for her…

Recurring Theme: Sheev Palpatine, Ruiner of Lives

Just as she’s about to take what’s in the box, an alarm goes off and Obi-Wan comes jogging into the room: move out, men! We’re jumping into hyperspace! Everyone scrambles and Anakin expectantly asks if this means Project Save Mandalore I Guess got approved?

AHHHHHHHH. You guys you guys YOU GUYS, Revenge of the Sith is ALMOST STARTING RIGHT DAMN NOW before our very eyes. Nooooo I don’t want this I take back everything I said about needing closure on this series JUST LEAVE ME HERE TO DIE IN PEACE.

Anakin naturally has concern for the real potential victim here:

YES I DO HOPE NOTHING HAS HAPPENED TO HIM. That would be a shame. Obi-Wan tells him that Shaak Ti was sent to protect him, but Mace has lost contact with her. LOL, I hope they kill Shaak Ti again in yet another way in this arc, so she can have like 4 semi-canonical deaths, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IN THIS CURSED FRANCHISE.

Anakin looks very concerned for the fate of Poor Kindly Sheev, and Obi-Wan assures him:

Revenge of the Sith is gonna start WITHIN THE HOUR?! I was not prepared for this. I AM NOT READY.

Ahsoka? Is pissed:

And Obi-Wan? Coming for my life:

Ahsoka gets all crabby about this because OH LOOK AT YOU BEING A JEDI WHICH YOU ARE:

So, going to help one of the most densely-populated areas in the actual Republic instead of going rogue to help a system that isn’t even part of the Republic and who has spent forever being like EW GROSS DON’T COME OVER HERE REPUBLIC is “playing politics”? I get why she’s mad, but please. How many fires is Obi-Wan personally expected to be able to put out at the same time? What’s he supposed to do, say no to helping CORUSCANT? Throw himself in a cloning machine real quick, creating an army of Obi-Wans who can divide up to handle all of the crazy bullshit that is happening right now AND tend to Anakin’s constant needs? (Well…if he has to, I mean…I’ve heard worse ideas. Would they all wear that red Mando armor? That’s…nevermind.)

Ahsoka snipes that this is about helping the Chancellor, to which Obi-Wan retorts:

YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT IT’S NOT.

Good! Glad we got all this cleared up IN THE LAST CONVERSATION THESE TWO WILL EVER HAVE until Filoni figures out some new way to torture me.

Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, Problem Causer and Solver Extraordinaire

In an attempt to Fix All The Things and create some family harmony, Anakin suggests an alternative: they’ll split the 501st…

Obi-Wan is like “yeah that’s not a thing, because Ahsoka isn’t technically an employee anymore and there’d be a whole fuckton of paperwork and we don’t have time to get her new ID badge from HR and what budget code would she even bill to”, so then Anakin is like “OK, fine…”

…and Ahsoka will tag along as an unpaid intern of sorts, I guess! She’s on board…

Obes is in!

All of this is very much not OK, but Obi-Wan lightens the mood for me by throwing out this little gem of advice for Ahsoka:

I swear to God, Filoni, if this is some thinly-veiled threat, we are gonna have WORDS.

Obi-Wan then turns and leaves from Ahsoka’s life FOREVER and while I am upset about all of this, I am LAUGHING that HIS LAST WORDS TO AHSOKA WERE ABOUT HOW MAUL CANNOT BE KILLED.

Recurring Theme: Oh Why Star Wars

Ahsoka thanks Anakin for having her back, and he sweetly tells her that’s what friends are for. CAN YOU GUYS BELIEVE WE HAVE THREE MORE EPISODES OF THIS TO ENDURE? GOD.

Anakin turns his attention back to the box he tried to give her earlier: she’s gonna need what’s inside to fight Maul.

…so if you leave the Order, you have to turn in your weapon? Or did Ahsoka just want out so immediately that she left everything including her clothes and shoes and medications and everything behind in her dorm room, including her sabers? Whatever, anyways, Anakin’s got them for her AND he’s made them obviously so much better because NOW SHE CAN MATCH HER DADS, THE COOLEST PEOPLE EVER:

I feel like Anakin’s one of those people who buys his friends all the same stuff he has so they can be THE SAME and so EVERYONE WILL KNOW WE’RE FRIENDS. I presume this is how Obi-Wan has ended up with the Open Circle Fleet emblem on all of his belongings, including his underwear.

She flings her sabers around a bit, and Anakin lays it all out:

EASY PEASY, RIGHT? We should be able to pound all this out in like, 3, 4 hours! PEACE AND VICTORY AND NAPS FOR EVERYONE ARE JUST AROUND THE CORNER. Anakin adds: with any luck, this will all be over soon!

Look, I don’t know if that’s strictly true, but in this case let us all agree with Obi-Wan that there is NO LUCK TO BE HAD.

Recurring Theme: Painful Mirroring

Anakin smirks and says it’s good he taught her otherwise, and begins to leave, when Ahsoka calls his name to stop him before he can go. You know. Sort of like this bit:

rots-part3-0021

rots-part3-0022

I feel like this should have been followed with a WOMP WOMP horn. Sorry Ahsoka, your heart was in the right place! Anakin smiles and leaves, and Ahsoka makes the same face of general concern I make about Anakin:

Yeah. I’ve got a bad feeling about this, too, Snips. Also I just realized that literally no one told Rex he got a promotion to Commander? ANAKIN JUST LEFT FOREVER AND NEVER EVEN GAVE HIM THIS INFO OR TOLD HIM IF HE’S ELIGIBLE FOR A BETTER PARKING SPACE FIRST? LOL.

Recurring Theme: The Backstabbers and Weasels of Star Wars

Once Ahsoka and crew head off to Mandalore with Bo-Katan, they get a holo-Skype from Prime Minister Almec, a jerk I totally forgot about until now who played an integral part in ruining everything there. He’s not happy:

Bo is like “cut the crap buddy, it’s OVER”:

He is all OH ISN’T THIS NOT A SHOCK, it’s Bo-Katan the Traitor. Uh, this is the guy who literally poisoned Mandalorian schoolchildren, but OK dude.

He continues:

She tells him she doesn’t give a fuck if the people think that, and hangs up on him. Ahsoka is amused:

Ehhhh, I dunno about THAT, Tano. She IS a Mandalorian hothead who enjoys yelling at Obi-Wan about how whatever choices he’s currently making are wrong.

…and then we are at last relocated to the First New Age Church of Mandalore Throne Room and Convention Center, where Almec is assembling some Mandos for action, including Gar Saxon of Star Wars: Rebels fame and his kinda awkward haircut which looks better here:

Recurring Theme: It’s All Coming Together Apart

Speaking of Star Wars: Rebels fame, Ursa Wren is also on hand, holo-Skyping with Bo about Maul’s last known location:

Regrettably, all she can say for sure is that Maul hasn’t left the city — but they’ve been unable to pin him down any further than that. And now Saxon’s guys are ready to party, and the battle for Mandalore (er, this time) begins!

Recurring Theme: Ahsoka Tano, From a Long Line of Badasses

Everyone starts jumping out of ships and flying around on jetpacks, and Rex notes apologetically:

Being from her family tree though, of course, Ahsoka quips back: she doesn’t need one, which earns her this amused/impressed look from Rex, who you’d really think would have seen it coming at this point:

She tells him she’ll race him to the surface, and in true Kenobi-Skywalker fashion hurls herself into the sky and begins to KICK. ASS.

She leaps onto a flaming ship, freeing the trooper in the cockpit before it crashes, and proceeds to crash/coast down with — yes — half a ship.

She then jumps down, in front of a wall of flame, and poses thusly:

THE PT ERA OF STAR WARS IS THE BEST ERA AND I WILL NOT BE TAKING FEEDBACK, THANK YOU. (Also this shot is making me preemptively mourn what I have resigned myself to be the inevitable scrapping of this year’s Star Wars Celebration.)

Anyways: pew pew pew, fight fight fight, ka-boom, the rest of the gang catches up with Ahsoka and starts advancing on the enemy. Ahsoka takes a moment to gloat:

Almec tells his guys to retreat to the Undercity for now, as they’re facing much a much better fight than expected. Bo tells the gang that she will go hold off Almec in the Weird Throne Room, but the others need to find Maul posthaste.

…can’t they just print off a cardboard cutout of Obi-Wan and walk around saying “Ahhhhh-nakin” in a pompous nerd voice until they lure Maul out? It’d work on me, is all I’m saying. As Rex and Ahsoka figure out next steps, Captain Vaughn comms over to say he thinks they’ve found something. Ahsoka’s on her way!

Recurring Theme: Into The Dark

Vaughn explains that they were sealing off an access point to the Undercity when they came across Gar Saxon, running off into a tunnel.

Oh, good! Well, at least she doesn’t have to crawl around in the fucking VENTS again like someone has to in EVERY GODDAMN EPISODE. We’re changing it up, slightly. Although this isn’t even the first time Ahsoka’s had to do this, either. Off they go!

Back at Throne Church, Bo and her crew have shown up Bo is WAILING on Almec:

She brings him to the floor and demands to know where Maul is. He snipes:

Maybe not, but I bet she can indignantly hurl a martini glass pretty well just like her sister!

Me and Maul, Two Peas in a Deranged Pod

She takes aim at him, and he throws this out there:

Please note that by “the wrong one” here, he means LITERALLY ANYONE WHO IS NOT OBI-WAN. My love for all of the Jedi aside, this is so relatable.

Getting the message, Bo tries to comm Ahsoka to warn her: she’s walking into a pointy-headed trap!

Unfortunately, Ahsoka can’t be reached, and she and her men do indeed walk right into the (formerly robotic) spider’s web:

Ahsoka is crushed by what’s happened to the clones, and then turns her attention to making someone PAY as some Maul-dalorians encircle her:

A figure appears at the end of one of the tunnels with a sentence I’ve definitely never said before in my life except for all those times:

SAME, MAUL. SAME. I mean, no offense to Ahsoka, obviously. This has much less to do with her and much more to do with my Kenobi Problem.

She says nothing, striking a fighting stance. Maul asks:

She remains silent, although if there’s a God we’ll get some Banter in the next episode. MAKE YOUR DADS PROUD, SNIPS, EVEN IF THEY’LL PROBABLY NEVER KNOW ABOUT IT BECAUSE SO MANY BAD THINGS WILL BE HAPPENING TO THEM POSSIBLY RIGHT THIS MOMENT.

Wait. Wait. Obi-Wan said they’d be at their destination within an hour, right? So presumably they’ve already started saving Sheev from his fake kidnapping, right? Possibly? My God, IS OBI-WAN IN THAT ELEVATOR SHAFT STARING AT ANAKIN’S ASS RIGHT NOW? The mind reels. Star Wars is amazing.

*sings* Looks like we made it! Yes, friends, THAT marks the end of Part I of The Siege of Mandalore. “Only” three more half-hour-ish-es of Pain left to wade through. Sounds like a snap! I hope you’ll join me next time, for every sorrowful look or callback to someone who died tragically or dramatic revelation. Plus you KNOW Sidious is gonna show up at some point to say something about how MUCH he hopes this war is over soon. I BET YOU DO, YOU GREMLIN. Thank you all so much for reading. Until next time, stay healthy and stay nerdy!

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Recurring Themes and More

Ahsoka Tano Anakin Is The Worst Employee I Swear to God Anakin Loves Ahsoka Anakin Loves Obi-Wan Anakin Loves Padme Anakin Loves Palpatine Anakin Skywalker - Human Lightning Rod Anakin Skywalker and His Life of Bad Choices Asajj Ventress Bad Ideas of the Jedi Bail Organa Beru Whitesun Bo-Katan Kryze Boba Fett Bounty Hunters Cad Bane Carnelion IV Chewbacca Count Dooku Crappy Destiny Crystal Quest Dagobah Darksaber Dark Side Foreshadow Darth Sidious Darth Sidious Makes a Guest Appearance as Himself Darth Vader Darth Vader Screws Himself Over Electrocution Enough of That Old Trauma Let's Start Experiencing Some New Trauma Faked Death Force Vision Quest General Grievous Geonosis Han Solo Holocrons with the Jedi Order's Famous Chili Recipe Hondo Ohnaka I'm More Powerful Than All of You I'm No Jedi I'm Suing This Show For Pain and Suffering I Am a Jedi Jabba the Hutt Jedi Kids Kolara Leia Organa Luke Loves Obi-Wan Luke Skywalker Luke Skywalker's Neverending Personal Destiny Quests Mace Windu Mandalore Martini Drinking Maul More Bummers Brought to You By Anakin Skywalker More Irony Than You Can Shake a Stick At Mortis Mother Pran Mustafar My Ridiculously Circuitous Plan is One-Quarter Complete Obi-Wan's Life is the Worst Obi-Wan and Anakin Need Marriage Counseling Obi-Wan Brings People Together Obi-Wan Digs Hotheads Obi-Wan Earns That Paycheck Obi-Wan Loves Anakin Obi-Wan Loves Luke Obi-Wan McSassypants and the Angry One Oblivious to the Obvious One More Thing For Obi-Wan To Discuss with His Therapist Ostentaciousness Is Our Speciality Owen Lars Padme Amidala Padme Loves Anakin Palpatine Strikes Again Pre Vizsla Qui-Gon Jinn Rex Ridiculous Complexity Sana Starros Satine Kryze Savage Oppress Secret History Reveal Sith Eyes Take Back What Is Ours Tarkin Tatooine The Beginning of the End Again The Dark Side Stole My Boyfriend The Dark Times The Death Watch Is Not A Shitty Band The Jedi Council's Greatest Hits The Unbearable Sadness of Obi-Wan This Show Is Insane Tragic Backstory Tuskens Undercover Why Are You Doing This To Me Filoni Haven't I Suffered Enough Why Knock When You Can Just Badass Your Way In Wistful Sunset Gazing Yoda You Can Kill Pretty Much Anyone Except Maul

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