The Clone Wars, Season 4, Episode 11: Kidnapped
This is the first episode that has been recapped from this arc.
If there is one thing the Jedi truly excelled at during the Clone Wars era (and, you know, it’s entirely possible that Luke continued this tradition in the New Jedi Order Post-OT Era, given the end results there,) it’s terrible ideas that involve assigning the exact wrong people to a mission. In this arc, the Jedi Order had one such brilliant idea, namely: “Let’s send a former child slave with attachment issues, along with his best friend/husband, and his daughter, a Togruta, to a planet where Togrutas and other species are being taken hostage by evil slavers. I’m sure everyone will be able to maintain a clear head here and no one will flip their shit.” Yes, surely the best way to help Anakin overcome his past will be to repeatedly throw his deep, scarring childhood trauma in his face. Sounds like a plan to me.
This arc is also notable for continuing the theme of TCW’s fourth season, which was, apparently: Obi-Wan Takes A Beating. This poor man. I cannot even believe he was still upright by the time Luke visited his hut to have The Anakin Talk. He must have had the worst back problems.
At any rate, he is going to overcome his repeated ass-kickings here by randomly being more flirtatious and sassily handsome than usual for no apparent reason, because this series is hell-bent on ensuring that I am unable to get through a single recap without mentioning my longstanding crush on a fictional character. Thanks, Star Wars. As ever, you’re really helping me be the best, most composed and respectable adult I can be. I will warn you all now that there is a lot of Fangirl-Flavored Commentary in this one, for which I am only partially apologetic. Enjoy.
Recurring Theme: Your Neutrality Will Be Your Doom
Before we can get to any of that, though, we must get a bit of a setup underway. So with that, Voiceover Recap Guy swoops in to tell us that we’re off to Kiros: a planet full of peaceful colonist Togrutas who are PACIFISTS AND NEUTRAL AND DON’T WANNA BE IN THE WAR. Well, we all know that one way to absolutely guarantee that you’re in for a bad time is to be neutral or against violence in this universe (though really, does anyone have a good time in this universe, other than maybe Sidious? And even then, he still gets axed by his own cabana boy.)
Recurring Theme: I Raised That Little Shit Myself, I Know He Can’t Be Reasoned With
The leader of these people is holo-Skyping with Yoda to tell him that the Separatists are invading, and since they have no weapons, they’re just gonna try to reason with Dooku and hope for the best. Yoda’s like: good luck with that, buddy — thus continuing the legacy of Jedi Masters pleading with people to not trust or have faith in their evil fuckup of a former apprentice.
Dooku then rolls up to Kiros and is all like oh pleeeease, let me help you guys I promise everything will be peachy no worries:
He doesn’t give the governor much of a choice, of course, what with the Ultimate Evil coursing through his veins. A Zygerrian, who is with Dooku, instructs the droids:
For Real What Is Going On With Kenobi In This Episode
OK, so: I don’t…entirely get it, and I guess I’m not going to protest, but Obi-Wan is like…MORE Kenobi than usual in this episode. He is going to spend about 80% of this episode getting his butt kicked or in some kind of dire situation, and yet he’s still going to be like smirkity-smirk-smirk-smirk-wink-sassy-comment the entire time. I just wanted to get that out there right now because for real: his eyebrow is perma-arched in this one. I don’t know why. He was especially into himself this go-round and his hair kept flying in the breeze and sometimes I don’t know why this show is like this.
…I like how Anakin looks kind of unsafe about the Kenobi situation here as well. Oh no he’s doing it again why is he like this. Anakin: I feel you, my friend. I don’t know why he’s like this, either. That man is a menace to society. Judging by the sheer number of conversations I’ve had with Star Wars fans over the past two decades — people of all ages, genders, and sexual preferences — that have included the phrase “…I would though” as regards Obi-Wan, really, none of us are immune. (And, Anakin, honestly: we’ve all read the Episode 3 novelization. We know that you, especially, are most definitely into it.)
On The Road Again
OK! So, I’m probably definitely done fangirling and talking about how Anakin is into Obi-Wan. (Hahahahahahahahahaha, sure. Sure I am. This recap has already become a den of lies.) Yes, now that that’s out of the way forever, the gang land on Kiros, and Ahsoka, Anakin, Rex and Obi-Wan (what a crew) set to work being awesome. Behold how great they all look:
Ahsoka notes that it’s kinda quiet around these parts:
Anakin points out that the Peaceful Colonists are probably all hiding. Obi-Wan, his hair waving in the wind (sigh), is like, well this might not be a bad thing, since God knows every time these guys throw down anywhere there’s a bunch of explosions and crazy shit happening so keeping the innocent civilians out of the way might be good.
The family sets off in search of the bad guys, and I’m just including this picture because look at all of them. Remember how everyone lives happily ever after?
Recurring Theme: Ahsoka Tano Can 100% Kick Your Ass
So they encounter a bunch of biker droids, which they quickly take down, in part because Ahsoka does her usual Badass Routine and is flipping around and slicing droids’ heads off and such. I am so into Star Wars’ overall Recurring Theme of “Teenage Girl Saves The Universe”. She seems pretty pleased with herself, as she should:
Oh hey. Guess who else looks pleased with himself?
I had more material here, but…we’re just gonna move on. We will be in this recap all damn day otherwise.
Recurring Theme: Star Wars Name Alert
It’s a bit later, and Obi-Wan is getting an update from Cody on their progress:
Yes, once again, we have a character with an utterly preposterous name and I love it. I want this to be my job. It’s not fair that there are actual adult people who have gotten paid real world money to come up with stuff like this. They are truly living the dream, those lucky bastards. I hope they appreciate what they have here.
So, they have a holo-Voicemail from the Zygerrian dude. He wants to see Obi-Wan (who doesn’t? I guess this guy’s been paying attention to this episode thus far,) and asks for him to come to his office so that they can negotiate surrender terms.
Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, Has a Few Hot Button Issues
Anakin — OK. Anakin rips the holo-recording out of Cody’s hands with the Force, and then crushes the comlink with his hand. Anakin, you see, is like not super OK with slavery and people who perpetrate it. I cannot imagine why. This will not come up again at all in this arc except for the entire rest of the time. He rages:
Obi-Wan Kenobi, Used To Talking People Down
As Anakin is talking, Ahsoka makes that face that all of Anakin’s friends make when they start to catch on that he might be going off the deep end:
Obi-Wan counters that they didn’t ASK to see Anakin, they asked to see Obi-Wan, so just calm the hell down. You go do something else that is important, pumpkin!
Anakin is like UGH FINE OK.
Recurring Theme: My Tragic Backstory
Anakin stalks off and Ahsoka asks Obi-Wan what the hell that was all about. Obi-Wan gives Ahsoka some of the history here:
Obi-Wan points out the bleeding obvious here, and once again we get ANOTHER line that could serve easily as the subtitle of the Star Wars saga:
Ahsoka, obviously moved by this information, tells Obi-Wan as they look over at their favorite human trainwreck:
Obi-Wan Kenobi, Surely Suppressing Hysterical Laughter
Obi-Wan looks somewhat touched by Ahsoka’s pledge here, but just sort of wanders off, doubtlessly thinking “YEAH LEMME KNOW HOW THAT WORKS OUT FOR YOU, TANO. IT’S A PIECE OF CAKE. TRUST ME.”
He heads off to his appointment with this episode’s Main Evil Guy.
Obi-Wan Kenobi, World’s Handsomest Hostage
So there we are in Darts D’Nar’s commandeered office, where he’s bragging to Dooku via holo-Skype that he’s gonna make the Jedi pay for their wicked ways…
Just as he says this, Obi-Wan makes his entrance by rising up through some kind of lift in the floor (LOL) and delivering a typical Obi-Wan line:
The guys continue to grandstand and just like…LOOK AT THIS ASSHOLE. STOP MAKING FACES LIKE THAT, FFS.
The best part is that immediately after this Count Dooku is like “yep, I’d recognize that smug bastard anywhere”:
Recurring Theme: Don’t Do This To Me, Show
He then gives the Bad Guy orders to deliver Obi-Wan to him:
…which D’Nar agrees to do:
I’ve got absolutely nothing for you here, readers. I’m just going to sit here making a face.
Recurring Theme: I’ve Got This Whole Place Rigged
So anyways, Obi-Wan turns on his comlink so that Anakin and Ahsoka can eavesdrop on what’s going on in the office, which is that the bad guy is spelling out his secret evil plan:
The guy’s got the whole place hooked up to explosives. Oh no!
Another Day, Another Gigantic Explosion
…and to prove that he’s not bluffing, D’Nar sets off one of the bombs nearby.
Fortunately, no one was in the building he blew up, but next time they might not be so lucky. Then we’re treated to a line from The Complete Collection of Hilariously Over The Top Things Bad Guys Have Said To The Jedi: The Updated and Expanded Edition:
Obi-Wan continues to look handsome, but now also forlorn: two looks he wears frequently (and well.)
Anakin Skywalker, Going to Take Care of Business
So in the aftermath of the explosion, Anakin and Ahsoka are checking on the clones and trying to restore some order. Anakin puts Artoo in charge of figuring out where the explosives are placed, and tells Ahsoka they’re heading out:
Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Man With a Hidden Agenda
Meanwhile, Obi-Wan is giving in:
…but only so that he can queue up his plan to waste D’Nar’s time by challenging him to a fistfight.
Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Underpaid Employee
A brawl begins, and Obi-Wan is in for a beating:
So: keep in mind that he is doing this to buy Anakin and Ahsoka time to disarm the bombs. This man is literally donating himself as a human punching bag to help out the cause here. Let no one suggest that this man does not work for his paycheck. His performance reviews better be fucking GLOWING. He’s even bringing a solid hair game to this fight, as is his way.
Anakin Skywalker, Guy Who Can Break Anything
Anakin and Ahsoka have located one of the bombs. Ahsoka frets that she’s not sure how they’re supposed to disable it:
Anakin moves in and is like “step aside, I got this” and solves their predicament by just slashing through the whole thing with his lightsaber. LOL. Ahsoka is somewhat impressed, and Anakin is SUPER pleased with himself:
He’s like “pfft, duh, Snips, I trusted my instincts! And I, as Anakin Skywalker the Chosen One, clearly have excellent instincts that tell me to do things like jump out of moving vehicles and place my trust in someone who is the literal embodiment of ultimate darkness!”
Ahsoka is less impressed now:
Anakin’s like “yeah but an educated guess” and then tells her they’ve gotta get a move on again:
Recurring Theme: We Are All Ahsoka Tano
You know what I love about this show? (I mean, aside from all of it.) I love the fact that Lucas et al took one look at Obi-Wan and Anakin, with all their sass-flirting and endless bitching and obvious love for each other and were like “You know what these two need? To adopt a sassy teenage girl to follow them around, rolling her eyes at them all the time.” I could not have come up with a better idea if I tried. Any teenage girl, past or present, who has ever loved this era of Star Wars understands what I’m talking about.
So, in response to Anakin’s bravado here, Ahsoka caps off this scene by making this face as Anakin heads out:
Obi-Wan Kenobi, Going to Need a Day Or Two Off After This Arc
Things are going…not well for our friend Obi-Wan, as he’s treated to a pompous villain speech about how the Jedi ruined everything for poor innocent people who just wanted to enslave the galaxy:
He’s saved from getting choked to death by a holo-Skype from one of the battle droids, which allows him to momentarily break free:
Recurring Theme: The Nick of Time
Anakin and Ahsoka are down to their last two bombs, and Ahsoka makes a discovery as Anakin tries to fight off some droids:
Uh oh! This means that in order to disarm them, they’ll have to do them both at the same time. But they’ve got other problems right now: more and more droids incoming!
They have to do some hardcore maneuvering (redirecting blaster fire at the droids, sneaking around corners, just generally being professionals) all while Obi-Wan, back in Ass-Kickingville, wonders how much longer he can hold out:
…finally, at the last second as the bomb countdown ticks away…
Recurring Theme: In My Experience…
Anakin notes that they can only hope Obi-Wan’s been faring as well as they have, with a face that clearly indicates that he has followed Obi-Wan’s life story long enough to know that that man has had little to no luck whatsoever, ever:
…and so he hasn’t! I mean, unless you count the fact that he is somehow still conscious, as he gets slammed into the floor so hard that it cracks beneath him:
He gets pulled into a chokehold again, and AGAIN saved by a holo-Skyping battle droid (handy!)
The droids have news: uh…
D’Nar is shocked: it can’t be! They couldn’t have! He presses the detonator over and over again, to no effect.
Recurring Theme: I’m Not Sure How To Answer This Question
This gives Obi-Wan some time to pull himself to his feet, retrieve his lightsaber again, and be UNREASONABLY SEXUAL while issuing his final challenge:
…like me, D’Nar has no idea how to handle this inquiry while maintaining any semblance of dignity, and so rather than answer, he arms a bomb he has strapped to one of his droids and makes a break for it, leaving Obi-Wan to scramble to get the droid away from him before it explodes:
As the droid explodes outside, Obi-Wan calls in to Anakin to update him:
Anakin Skywalker, Does Not Like Slavery
Anakin is like YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARTGGGGHHHHH we’re gonna go GET THAT GUY SNIPS HOLD ON, while she protests that they’ll never get there in time to catch him. Please enjoy Anakin’s unbridled rage face, paired with Ahsoka’s “this might not be super OK” face:
D’Nar’s ship takes off, and Obi-Wan watches it go…
…as Anakin and Ahsoka leap onto it, their presence being detected by the onboard computer:
Anakin Skywalker, Man With No Plan
Ahsoka is like “OK so we’re up here, now what?” Anakin admits that he’s, uh, got nothing:
As it turns out, the cargo hold on this ship is chock-full of imprisoned exotic animals, and as a way to deter his Jedi stowaways, D’Nar unleashes one of them: a huge, tentacled creature that goes after them with a fury. After a tussle, Anakin sends Ahsoka off to deal with D’Nar while he tries not to, you know, die over here:
Ahsoka Tano, Gets Shit Done
Ahsoka makes quick work of sneaking to the cockpit and taking D’Nar hostage. He tries to subdue her with one of these fantastic Star Warsian weapons — an electro-whip:
She is unintimidated:
Anakin Skywalker, Getting Closer to the Line
Anakin, having taken care of the Tentacle Monster (oh this show,) meets up with Ahsoka. He demands to know where the missing colonists have been taken. D’Nar refuses to share this information and Anakin takes that JUST about as well as you’d expect him to:
Ahsoka is super uneasy here, talking Anakin down and getting him to back off. D’Nar says something snotty to Anakin, and Anakin is like PFFT DOUBTFUL in reply.
This scene concludes with yet another Ahsoka-Is-Worried-About-Anakin face:
Recurring Theme: A Message From One of Our Central Plot Elements
So, finally, the family is holo-Skyping with the Council, whose lighting situation I am ignoring on purpose, and Admiral Yularen, also holo-Skyping in.
Ahsoka is concerned about this, because she is also a Togruta, and Obi-Wan makes a face that suggests that this man maybe thinks this is not the best assignment for Ahsoka OR Anakin:
Plo Koon notes that he thinks the Zygerrians are hoping to use these kidnapped people as a means to rebuild their slavery empire. Then Yoda gets mighty uncomfortable…
…and Yoda decides it’s high time that we all got a nice serving of foreshadowing sent our way.
GEE. I SURE HOPE THIS LINE OF THOUGHT DOESN’T COME BACK TO HAUNT US IN ANY MAJOR WAY.
To hammer this pain home a little bit more, we close on a shot of the Trifecta of My Favorites looking Concerned…especially Anakin. OH WHY STAR WARS. Come on.
…and heeeeere’s the iris wipe! In our next installment, Obi-Wan’s in for more brutal physical punishment, everyone’s brain gets fried by electricity for the 4,000th time, Anakin being hot and hitting on someone is an actual critical part of the plot, and Rex probably wonders if he couldn’t have gotten assigned to people slightly less likely to get him enslaved by evil people.