Recurring Theme: Your Neutrality Will Be Your DoomBefore we can get to any of that, though, we must get a bit of a setup underway. So with that, Voiceover Recap Guy swoops in to tell us that we’re off to Kiros: a planet full of peaceful colonist Togrutas who are PACIFISTS AND NEUTRAL AND DON’T WANNA BE IN THE WAR. Well, we all know that one way to absolutely guarantee that you’re in for a bad time is to be neutral or against violence in this universe (though really, does anyone have a good time in this universe, other than maybe Sidious? And even then, he still gets axed by his own cabana boy.)
Recurring Theme: I Raised That Little Shit Myself, I Know He Can’t Be Reasoned WithThe leader of these people is holo-Skyping with Yoda to tell him that the Separatists are invading, and since they have no weapons, they’re just gonna try to reason with Dooku and hope for the best. Yoda’s like: good luck with that, buddy — thus continuing the legacy of Jedi Masters pleading with people to not trust or have faith in their evil fuckup of a former apprentice. Dooku then rolls up to Kiros and is all like oh pleeeease, let me help you guys I promise everything will be peachy no worries:
For Real What Is Going On With Kenobi In This EpisodeOK, so: I don’t…entirely get it, and I guess I’m not going to protest, but Obi-Wan is like…MORE Kenobi than usual in this episode. He is going to spend about 80% of this episode getting his butt kicked or in some kind of dire situation, and yet he’s still going to be like smirkity-smirk-smirk-smirk-wink-sassy-comment the entire time. I just wanted to get that out there right now because for real: his eyebrow is perma-arched in this one. I don’t know why. He was especially into himself this go-round and his hair kept flying in the breeze and sometimes I don’t know why this show is like this. …I like how Anakin looks kind of unsafe about the Kenobi situation here as well. Oh no he’s doing it again why is he like this. Anakin: I feel you, my friend. I don’t know why he’s like this, either. That man is a menace to society. Judging by the sheer number of conversations I’ve had with Star Wars fans over the past two decades — people of all ages, genders, and sexual preferences — that have included the phrase “…I would though” as regards Obi-Wan, really, none of us are immune. (And, Anakin, honestly: we’ve all read the Episode 3 novelization. We know that you, especially, are most definitely into it.)
On The Road AgainOK! So, I’m probably definitely done fangirling and talking about how Anakin is into Obi-Wan. (Hahahahahahahahahaha, sure. Sure I am. This recap has already become a den of lies.) Yes, now that that’s out of the way forever, the gang land on Kiros, and Ahsoka, Anakin, Rex and Obi-Wan (what a crew) set to work being awesome. Behold how great they all look:
Recurring Theme: Ahsoka Tano Can 100% Kick Your AssSo they encounter a bunch of biker droids, which they quickly take down, in part because Ahsoka does her usual Badass Routine and is flipping around and slicing droids’ heads off and such. I am so into Star Wars’ overall Recurring Theme of “Teenage Girl Saves The Universe”. She seems pretty pleased with herself, as she should:
Recurring Theme: Star Wars Name AlertIt’s a bit later, and Obi-Wan is getting an update from Cody on their progress: Yes, once again, we have a character with an utterly preposterous name and I love it. I want this to be my job. It’s not fair that there are actual adult people who have gotten paid real world money to come up with stuff like this. They are truly living the dream, those lucky bastards. I hope they appreciate what they have here. So, they have a holo-Voicemail from the Zygerrian dude. He wants to see Obi-Wan (who doesn’t? I guess this guy’s been paying attention to this episode thus far,) and asks for him to come to his office so that they can negotiate surrender terms.
Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, Has a Few Hot Button IssuesAnakin — OK. Anakin rips the holo-recording out of Cody’s hands with the Force, and then crushes the comlink with his hand. Anakin, you see, is like not super OK with slavery and people who perpetrate it. I cannot imagine why. This will not come up again at all in this arc except for the entire rest of the time. He rages:
Obi-Wan Kenobi, Used To Talking People DownAs Anakin is talking, Ahsoka makes that face that all of Anakin’s friends make when they start to catch on that he might be going off the deep end: Obi-Wan counters that they didn’t ASK to see Anakin, they asked to see Obi-Wan, so just calm the hell down. You go do something else that is important, pumpkin!
Recurring Theme: My Tragic BackstoryAnakin stalks off and Ahsoka asks Obi-Wan what the hell that was all about. Obi-Wan gives Ahsoka some of the history here:
Obi-Wan Kenobi, Surely Suppressing Hysterical LaughterObi-Wan looks somewhat touched by Ahsoka’s pledge here, but just sort of wanders off, doubtlessly thinking “YEAH LEMME KNOW HOW THAT WORKS OUT FOR YOU, TANO. IT’S A PIECE OF CAKE. TRUST ME.” He heads off to his appointment with this episode’s Main Evil Guy.
Obi-Wan Kenobi, World’s Handsomest HostageSo there we are in Darts D’Nar’s commandeered office, where he’s bragging to Dooku via holo-Skype that he’s gonna make the Jedi pay for their wicked ways… Just as he says this, Obi-Wan makes his entrance by rising up through some kind of lift in the floor (LOL) and delivering a typical Obi-Wan line: The guys continue to grandstand and just like…LOOK AT THIS ASSHOLE. STOP MAKING FACES LIKE THAT, FFS. The best part is that immediately after this Count Dooku is like “yep, I’d recognize that smug bastard anywhere”:
Recurring Theme: Don’t Do This To Me, ShowHe then gives the Bad Guy orders to deliver Obi-Wan to him: …which D’Nar agrees to do: I’ve got absolutely nothing for you here, readers. I’m just going to sit here making a face.
Recurring Theme: I’ve Got This Whole Place RiggedSo anyways, Obi-Wan turns on his comlink so that Anakin and Ahsoka can eavesdrop on what’s going on in the office, which is that the bad guy is spelling out his secret evil plan:
Another Day, Another Gigantic ExplosionObi-Wan says: …and to prove that he’s not bluffing, D’Nar sets off one of the bombs nearby. Fortunately, no one was in the building he blew up, but next time they might not be so lucky. Then we’re treated to a line from The Complete Collection of Hilariously Over The Top Things Bad Guys Have Said To The Jedi: The Updated and Expanded Edition: Obi-Wan continues to look handsome, but now also forlorn: two looks he wears frequently (and well.)
Anakin Skywalker, Going to Take Care of BusinessSo in the aftermath of the explosion, Anakin and Ahsoka are checking on the clones and trying to restore some order. Anakin puts Artoo in charge of figuring out where the explosives are placed, and tells Ahsoka they’re heading out:
Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Man With a Hidden AgendaMeanwhile, Obi-Wan is giving in: …but only so that he can queue up his plan to waste D’Nar’s time by challenging him to a fistfight.
Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Underpaid EmployeeA brawl begins, and Obi-Wan is in for a beating:
Anakin Skywalker, Guy Who Can Break AnythingAnakin and Ahsoka have located one of the bombs. Ahsoka frets that she’s not sure how they’re supposed to disable it: Anakin moves in and is like “step aside, I got this” and solves their predicament by just slashing through the whole thing with his lightsaber. LOL. Ahsoka is somewhat impressed, and Anakin is SUPER pleased with himself: He’s like “pfft, duh, Snips, I trusted my instincts! And I, as Anakin Skywalker the Chosen One, clearly have excellent instincts that tell me to do things like jump out of moving vehicles and place my trust in someone who is the literal embodiment of ultimate darkness!” Ahsoka is less impressed now: Anakin’s like “yeah but an educated guess” and then tells her they’ve gotta get a move on again:
Recurring Theme: We Are All Ahsoka TanoYou know what I love about this show? (I mean, aside from all of it.) I love the fact that Lucas et al took one look at Obi-Wan and Anakin, with all their sass-flirting and endless bitching and obvious love for each other and were like “You know what these two need? To adopt a sassy teenage girl to follow them around, rolling her eyes at them all the time.” I could not have come up with a better idea if I tried. Any teenage girl, past or present, who has ever loved this era of Star Wars understands what I’m talking about. So, in response to Anakin’s bravado here, Ahsoka caps off this scene by making this face as Anakin heads out:
Obi-Wan Kenobi, Going to Need a Day Or Two Off After This ArcThings are going…not well for our friend Obi-Wan, as he’s treated to a pompous villain speech about how the Jedi ruined everything for poor innocent people who just wanted to enslave the galaxy:
Recurring Theme: The Nick of TimeAnakin and Ahsoka are down to their last two bombs, and Ahsoka makes a discovery as Anakin tries to fight off some droids: Uh oh! This means that in order to disarm them, they’ll have to do them both at the same time. But they’ve got other problems right now: more and more droids incoming! They have to do some hardcore maneuvering (redirecting blaster fire at the droids, sneaking around corners, just generally being professionals) all while Obi-Wan, back in Ass-Kickingville, wonders how much longer he can hold out: …finally, at the last second as the bomb countdown ticks away…
Recurring Theme: In My Experience…Anakin notes that they can only hope Obi-Wan’s been faring as well as they have, with a face that clearly indicates that he has followed Obi-Wan’s life story long enough to know that that man has had little to no luck whatsoever, ever: …and so he hasn’t! I mean, unless you count the fact that he is somehow still conscious, as he gets slammed into the floor so hard that it cracks beneath him: He gets pulled into a chokehold again, and AGAIN saved by a holo-Skyping battle droid (handy!)
Recurring Theme: I’m Not Sure How To Answer This QuestionThis gives Obi-Wan some time to pull himself to his feet, retrieve his lightsaber again, and be UNREASONABLY SEXUAL while issuing his final challenge: …like me, D’Nar has no idea how to handle this inquiry while maintaining any semblance of dignity, and so rather than answer, he arms a bomb he has strapped to one of his droids and makes a break for it, leaving Obi-Wan to scramble to get the droid away from him before it explodes: As the droid explodes outside, Obi-Wan calls in to Anakin to update him:
Anakin Skywalker, Does Not Like SlaveryAnakin is like YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARTGGGGHHHHH we’re gonna go GET THAT GUY SNIPS HOLD ON, while she protests that they’ll never get there in time to catch him. Please enjoy Anakin’s unbridled rage face, paired with Ahsoka’s “this might not be super OK” face: D’Nar’s ship takes off, and Obi-Wan watches it go… …as Anakin and Ahsoka leap onto it, their presence being detected by the onboard computer:
Anakin Skywalker, Man With No PlanAhsoka is like “OK so we’re up here, now what?” Anakin admits that he’s, uh, got nothing: As it turns out, the cargo hold on this ship is chock-full of imprisoned exotic animals, and as a way to deter his Jedi stowaways, D’Nar unleashes one of them: a huge, tentacled creature that goes after them with a fury. After a tussle, Anakin sends Ahsoka off to deal with D’Nar while he tries not to, you know, die over here:
Ahsoka Tano, Gets Shit DoneAhsoka makes quick work of sneaking to the cockpit and taking D’Nar hostage. He tries to subdue her with one of these fantastic Star Warsian weapons — an electro-whip: She is unintimidated:
Anakin Skywalker, Getting Closer to the LineAnakin, having taken care of the Tentacle Monster (oh this show,) meets up with Ahsoka. He demands to know where the missing colonists have been taken. D’Nar refuses to share this information and Anakin takes that JUST about as well as you’d expect him to: Ahsoka is super uneasy here, talking Anakin down and getting him to back off. D’Nar says something snotty to Anakin, and Anakin is like PFFT DOUBTFUL in reply.
Recurring Theme: A Message From One of Our Central Plot ElementsSo, finally, the family is holo-Skyping with the Council, whose lighting situation I am ignoring on purpose, and Admiral Yularen, also holo-Skyping in.
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We go back to the beginning, which is easily as weird and dorky as the middle and the end. (Also Obi-Wan’s terrible haircut is there.)
Padme’s got a secret; Anakin doesn’t know what he wants (and doesn’t know what a metaphor is.)
Yoda’s here to see Anakin off to his first day in charge; Bail Organa’s got a secret — and brandy — to share.