STAR WARS RECAPS AND COMMENTARY. (THE FUN KIND.)

The Clone Wars, Season 7 Trailer: One Last Time

The Clone Wars, Season 7 Official Trailer

Once upon a time, George Lucas looked back at his 6-part Marathon of Nonsense known as Star Wars, and said to himself (I presume): “Gee, that one part towards the middle there sure was full of heartache and misery and Obi-Wan was sure sad in it! You know what would be great? If I detail out many, many more things that will make the entire thing much MUCH sadder in retrospect! And I’ll hire this GIANT NERD in a cowboy hat to help me do it!” And thus The Clone Wars, an utterly crazy animated movie and television series to which this very website owes its existence, was born.

Yes, TCW allowed us to learn more about important things such as Anakin’s continued slide into full-blown rageaholic, showed us how the war played out in detail across the galaxy, and gave us a front-row seat to the continued machinations of one Sheev Palpatine, Unkillable Secret Sith Lord. It also showed us how a Jedi constructs their lightsaber, introduced us to Obi-Wan and Anakin’s amazing adopted daughter Ahsoka Tano, Qui-Gon made the first (BUT SURE AS SHIT NOT THE LAST) canon-timeline appearance by a dead guy, Anakin maybe broke the universe on Mortis but apparently we’re just never gonna talk about that again, Hondo Ohnaka stole everyone’s wallet and Padme once nearly had to serve a fruitcake without the appropriate topping, thus jeopardizing democracy itself.

Oh, and: Maul came back from the dead on a robotic spider body, Obi-Wan and Quinlan Vos chased a Hutt in a space fanboat, Jedi kids put on a circus show for pirates, we found out Mandalore is crazy, that the Darksaber is a thing, and that Obi-Wan 1000% had sex with the Duchess of Mandalore at some point (probably more than once), that the Duchess of Mandalore has a “nephew” that sure looks a hell of a lot like Obi-Wan (who can say why), Fives came within an inch of saving everyone but then he died, Anakin and Obi-Wan got chided on a work call for flirting with each other instead of doing their jobs, Maul and his brother AND the Darksaber battled Sidious (who had to go all the way to Mandalore and actually DO something his own damn self instead of just conning someone from Yoda’s Jedi lineage into doing it for him for once). Witches AND zombies AND Godzilla-like giant monsters became things that exist in canon, and everyone got hurt a LOT but especially (to absolutely no one’s surprise) Obi-Wan, who was beaten, electrocuted, forced to eject from a crashing spaceship, enslaved, taken prisoner, sliced at and shot at and made to watch his girlfriend get murdered Qui-Gon style in front of his face (and sometimes all within an episode or two!). He even got to confront an angry Dark Side-high Anakin in front of a river of lava, because making him do it only once in canon was just not quite enough, apparently. AND they made him shave off his beard and all his beautiful, beautiful hair one time too, because Star Wars enjoys my suffering.

What I’m saying here, people, is that this show was like…every bizarre and angsty thing about Star Wars on steroids. Take every weird, dorky, or heartbreaking story element from the original and prequel trilogies and like, blow it up to 500% size and spin it around in circles and add a disco ball and brain worms (two things that are also actually for-real in this series), and then soak the entire thing in several thousand gallons of Dramatic Irony, slap a few snippets of the Imperial March Lite onto the soundtrack literally any time Anakin gets angry, and blammo: that’s The Clone Wars.

And then, like all things that are too good for this world, suddenly it was gone — torn from us while there was still a story left to tell, when they were right in the damn MIDDLE of working on episodes that would have, among other things, given me Obi-Wan and Anakin having a camp out and Obi-Wan telling Anakin he wouldn’t sleep well at night if Anakin ever disappointed him but that also that would never happen so stop worrying about it Anakin.

So, some of those stories, like that one, had to be shared as half-finished bonus material for me to cry over. Others, like “what happened to Maul after Sidious kicked his ass” or “the time the Jedi just decide they’ve had enough of Dooku’s bullshit and so they set out to assassinate him, and this somehow ends up with Quinlan Vos hooking up with Ventress, briefly falling to the Dark Side, and then her sacrificing herself for him” were explored in other media, like comics and books.

Some of our characters came back in the almost-as-bananas Star Wars: Rebels series, so we got to see where they landed 15+ years after the war (and Obi-Wan got to finally, FINALLY end Maul once and for all YES YOU HEARD ME THERE WILL BE NO FURTHER SHEEV-ESQUE SHENANIGANS HERE FILONI), but there was still a particular sliver of time — the bit that was intended to be TCW’s final arc — and a couple other stories, that were planned but never made.

…until now! Yes, The Clone Wars is indeed on its way back into our lives for one last go-round, and to get everyone properly hyped up, they’ve given us a trailer to nitpick and cry our dumbass selves silly over with our equally-dumbass friends. So, along the same lines as my recap of the 2-minute trailer for The Rise of Skywalker last year, please enjoy my recap of the 2-minute trailer for the final, seventh season of this very very silly, very very weird, very very lovingly-made show. If this trailer’s anything to go by, we can rest assured that the man himself might not be directly involved anymore, but there are still folks over at Lucasfilm who share his commitment to a Star Wars full of craziness, heart, and gut-punching angst in equal measure. George Lucas plunged the knife in my heart, and — thank God — Dave Filoni’s gonna twist it one last time.

Recurring Theme: Mandalorians Were Here And Now Stuff Is On Fire and Everyone’s Dead

We open with Maul doing what he loves — making dramatic proclamations about the fate of the universe/Jedi/etc. (It IS one of the galaxy’s top pastimes, after all.) As he starts rambling, we see Bo-Katan Kryze, sister of the late, great, martini-drinking lady love of Obi-Wan Kenobi, Satine Kryze (who was VERY MUCH A PACIFIST IN CASE SHE DIDN’T MENTION IT EVER).

I am just now realizing that there is a very good chance that we have The Mandalorian to thank for this show getting its final season after all, given that it sure seems like we’re going to be calling back to Shit That Happened on Mandalore a lot in that series, and Filoni and Jon Favreau probably could have helped to make a case for fleshing out this part of the backstory with that in mind. That’s kind of cool, if that’s the case. (Baby Yoda, man –Force-healing people, saving his dad from peril, being cute as hell, napping, drinking soup, saving The Clone Wars. Is there anything he can’t do?)

ANYWAYS: Bo-Katan is surveying some shit that is going down, presumably, on Mandalore, as it basically fucking always is. That entire sector of the galaxy needs to CALM THE HELL DOWN.

Recurring Theme: This Handsome Bastard Has Ruined My Life

Maul keeps talking, and we cut to a shot of Mace Windu and Obi-Wan surrounded by Great Peril, and let me tell you: I cannot even begin to handle how handsome Obi-Wan is (ever, but this time I am specifically referring to this trailer.) WHY IS HE SO HANDSOME HOW IS A CARTOON THIS FUCKING ATTRACTIVE.

Ahem. So they look around with Concern, and the camera pans out a bit to reveal just how much deep shit they’re in:

…that doesn’t look so good!

As we are informed that “the Jedi and the Republic will die” (I knew that but thanks just the same for making me sad about it again), we get a super-close-up shot of Maul’s eyes. The animation for this season looks fantastic.

…somebody get this guy some eye drops or something.

Recurring Theme: Oh Why, Star Wars

…you know what I deserve? NOT FUCKING THIS, STAR WARS. As we see a group of Jedi (WHICH INCLUDES DEEPA BILLABA AND TINY BABY CALEB DUME) having a conference call, we then see Mace Windu on holo-Skype telling us that he senses a plot! To destroy the Jedi!

You know, EXACTLY THIS MOMENT RIGHT HERE:

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I really, REALLY hoped that they’d have this season literally overlap with Revenge of the Sith because it is the best and it is SO PAINFUL, so I am THRILLED that they’re doing this, but EVERYTHING HURTS AND I’M DYING.

We see Obi-Wan in a reaction shot, but I’m not sure that this is meant to be him watching Mace here (in the film, Mace says this line just after Cody tells them that Obi-Wan is kicking Grievous’ ass, so Obes would be a little too busy to take a call just then, but who the hell knows with this crazy-ass show.) (See also: my entire preamble to this entry.) At any rate, here’s Obi-Wan’s face because why not?

Then the music kicks up a bit and we cut to Maul, who’s doing that Mind Invasion thing…

Recurring Theme: Master Yoda, Already Knows We’re Screwed

…and then we’re back with Revenge of the Sith again, as Yoda warns us all that we need to be careful about all this, and I’m laughing because this is what I wrote about this sequence when I recapped the film:

Ki-Adi-Mundi says that once Obi-Wan’s done kicking Grievous’ ass, if Palpatine STILL won’t give up all his extra legislative powers, he should be removed from office. Yoda, making that sad “I already know we are so completely fucked” face that he makes through most of TCW, says they need to proceed with caution.

Ha! I was REALLY onto something there: it IS very much the face he makes in TCW. And here he is! Literally making it! In TCW! While saying that same exact line!

Ahsoka Tano, Obi-Wan and Anakin’s Runaway Daughter

Blazing across the sky on a speeder bike, we find our wayward badass ex-Jedi friend Ahsoka Tano:

She’s asked by the person below: why would anyone walk away from being a Jedi?!

Look, obviously Ahsoka had a whole big upsetting Thing that prompted her depature, but also? YOU TRY SPENDING YEARS WITH OBI-WAN AND ANAKIN AND THEIR BICKERING BULLSHIT. Ahsoka Tano lasted longer than most would have.

Ahsoka, in voiceover, says sadly that the Jedi are trained to be peacekeepers, not soldiers. Yeah, it’s almost like this whole war thing was done on purpose to put them in a terrible position that would lead to their destruction or something! Oh, me and my wild conspiracy theories.

OH GOOD: look everyone, it’s Ahsoka. With Bo-Katan. On Mandalore. I’m fine.

While her voiceover finishes, we see one of those very Jedi who probably shouldn’t have been put into a position where he goes berserker on shit all day every day: it’s Anakin Skywalker, my friends, and he? DOESN’T LOOK LIKE HE’S DOING OK:

This was literally the best shot I could even get of him because he is FLINGING that lightsaber all over the damn place. HE IS VERY ANGRY AND HE NEEDS TO BE PUT TO BED LIKE, A WEEK AGO. #NapsForAnakinSkywalker

Recurring Theme: No Joy or Happiness For Anyone, Ever

It’s Rex’s turn to monologue now, and he says that the clones…well, let’s just say the war’s been a mixed bag for these guys, OK? Because on the one hand, war is bad and also they keep getting killed. On the other hand, the war is the actual thing that caused the clones to exist in the first place, back when Sidious and Dooku and Sifo-Dyas or whatever the fuck was going on there cut Kamino a check for what I presume was like 100 quadrillion credits for eleven zillion clones of some random-ass bounty hunter they met in a bar earlier that day. (I want to see a copy of the receipt.)

The music goes Full Ominous Choir here, which is basically never a good sign in Star Wars. It’s almost as though this series isn’t going to have a happy ending! But…that can’t be right! Everyone loves each other so much and is trying so hard! They wouldn’t end it with everyone broken and sad and dead and scream-crying in front of a lava river while Anakin burns alive, right???????? WHAT KIND OF A MONSTER WOULD END THINGS THAT WAY.

Maul’s back to tell me that’s “all part of the plan — THE plan”:

Ahsoka is seen leaning over and clutching her forehead, which, AGAIN, is also pretty much always a bad sign around here. I swear to GOD if I have to witness Ahsoka Tano sensing, like, Anakin’s Dumbest-Ever Decision with my OWN TWO EYES, I WILL BE SUING THIS SHOW FOR DAMAGES.

I? AM NOT REASSURED BY THE FACT THAT THEY CUT RIGHT FROM THIS PART TO THIS:

Anakin? Buddy? You maybe wanna have a granola bar or something? I’ve got candy, you want candy? A blanket? I could mist some calming lavender oil into the air or something…? No? You wanna just be very angry and tired over there? All right, just…promise me you’re not gonna do anything stupid, OK? THINK ABOUT HOW SAD OBI-WAN WOULD BE IF YOU DID.

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THIS IS HOW MUCH. HE WOULD BE THIS SAD.

Also: what about your tiny elderly grandpa?? HE WOULD BE VERY SAD AS WELL.

rots-part5-0050

WHAT. ABOUT. PADME.

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LOOK HOW SAD THEY WOULD ALL BE. THANK GOD YOU’RE NOT A SLEEP-DEPRIVED ABSOLUTE DUMBASS WHO MAKES TERRIBLE SELFISH DECISIONS, RIGHT ANAKIN?

…Anakin?

…?

Huh. He’s gone, but I’m guessing he’s probably fine. He’s got it all under control, that’s for sure.

Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Fucking Glorious Space Wizard

Maul is STILL dramatically laying things out for us, saying that “everything…is about to change” and like YES I KNOW OK BUT CAN I LIVE IN DENIAL JUST A BIT LONGER?? I am starting to deeply regret my years of constant demands that they finish this show.

As Maul says this, we see a shot of Ahsoka looking worried, and a shot of Obi-Wan, his face appearing through smoke, looking absolutely READY TO MURDER SOMEONE:

I’m feeling faint. I WANNA KNOW WHAT THIS SCENE IS.

Giant Words of Marketing appear and they literally exhort me to do the following:

BUT I DON’T WANNA, STAR WARS. It’s going to hurt!

We’re shown some more things being set on fire or blown up, Ahsoka taking off on a bike again, and Anakin and Padme having a holo-Skype call that I, barely 24 hours after this trailer dropped, am already SINCERELY tired of hearing about:

Yes: she is pregnant. No, this does not mean “Anakin obviously already knew before she told him in the movie, because he can see her here and so now the movie makes no sense.” WE know she’s pregnant because we are privvy to info people in the story do not have. Yes, it is possible for him to be that dumb, or for him to just not notice because he has A LOT OF OTHER SHIT GOING ON RIGHT NOW, or for Padme to pretend/insist that nothing is up, and ALSO SHE IS NOT THAT GIGANTICALLY PREGNANT HERE. Or hell, since we know they’re gonna cover some portion of time that is concurrent with the film, for all I know this scene is taking place AFTER he already knows she’s pregnant (though she looks further along in the movie, to me, so I’m going to guess that it’s not.) LOL — I’m sorry. For whatever reason this subject makes me absolutely batty. IT’S NOT SOME GIANT CONFLICT, PEOPLE.

Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, Losing It

MOVING ON: please enjoy Anakin Skywalker, the Angriest Boy:

He’s mad.

He’s so mad.

He’s REALLY mad. God, you know what? He must have been fucking TERRIFYING fucking up that Jedi Temple and NOW I AM VERY SAD AND UPSET AGAIN.

Let us cleanse our palates with Obi-Wan looking sad and beautiful:

Do It For Obi-Wan, Snips

Then, we get Maul proclaiming that every choice made has led…to this:

Yep, Maul and Ahsoka are gonna throw down in the First New Age Church of Mandalore Throne Room and Conference Center. You might remember it from such wacky Star Wars adventures as “Obi-Wan’s got a girlfriend”:

tcwm2

…”Padme and Satine drink booze and talk about boys and solve a mystery”:

d19

…”That time Ahsoka taught Satine’s, uh, “nephew” and his friends how to fight crime”:

m68

…”Maul Takes Over Mandalore, Part 1″:

B52

…and “Obi-Wan has never had one single good day in his life”:

A25

So here we are again, and this time Ahsoka is going to fight where her two dumb dads can’t. Why’s that, you ask? Oh, funny story: they were here, but they had to leave, because the Poor Chancellor Who Is Innocent and Kind got kidnapped! By General Grievous! They’ve been asked to go save him! And they’re on their way to a showdown!

rots-part1-31

*lip wobble* I’m sure your dads will be fine, Snips! Everyone will be!

You’ve got this, girl. Do it for your dad. The one that isn’t going to murder everyone, I mean.

Then: explosions! So many explosions!

People running!

The part of the 501st that Anakin gives Ahsoka before he leaves which I will definitely be completely OK with!

And finally, one last shot of Ahsoka gettin’ ready to end someone:

So, there you have it: a sampling of all that awaits us. Are you as ready to laugh, cry, and throw a chair across your living room in angst as I am? I hope so, and I hope you’ll join me as I bid the fondest of farewells to the wonderful show that inspired this blog, starting next month! See you then, and thanks for reading!

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Recurring Themes and More

Ahsoka Tano Anakin Is The Worst Employee I Swear to God Anakin Loves Ahsoka Anakin Loves Obi-Wan Anakin Loves Padme Anakin Loves Palpatine Anakin Skywalker - Human Lightning Rod Anakin Skywalker and His Life of Bad Choices Asajj Ventress Bad Ideas of the Jedi Bail Organa Beru Whitesun Bo-Katan Kryze Boba Fett Bounty Hunters Cad Bane Carnelion IV Chewbacca Count Dooku Crappy Destiny Crystal Quest Dagobah Darksaber Dark Side Foreshadow Darth Sidious Darth Sidious Makes a Guest Appearance as Himself Darth Vader Darth Vader Screws Himself Over Electrocution Enough of That Old Trauma Let's Start Experiencing Some New Trauma Faked Death Force Vision Quest General Grievous Geonosis Han Solo Holocrons with the Jedi Order's Famous Chili Recipe Hondo Ohnaka I'm More Powerful Than All of You I'm No Jedi I'm Suing This Show For Pain and Suffering I Am a Jedi Jabba the Hutt Jedi Kids Kolara Leia Organa Luke Loves Obi-Wan Luke Skywalker Luke Skywalker's Neverending Personal Destiny Quests Mace Windu Mandalore Martini Drinking Maul More Bummers Brought to You By Anakin Skywalker More Irony Than You Can Shake a Stick At Mortis Mother Pran Mustafar My Ridiculously Circuitous Plan is One-Quarter Complete Obi-Wan's Life is the Worst Obi-Wan and Anakin Need Marriage Counseling Obi-Wan Brings People Together Obi-Wan Digs Hotheads Obi-Wan Earns That Paycheck Obi-Wan Loves Anakin Obi-Wan Loves Luke Obi-Wan McSassypants and the Angry One Oblivious to the Obvious One More Thing For Obi-Wan To Discuss with His Therapist Ostentaciousness Is Our Speciality Owen Lars Padme Amidala Padme Loves Anakin Palpatine Strikes Again Pre Vizsla Qui-Gon Jinn Rex Ridiculous Complexity Sana Starros Satine Kryze Savage Oppress Secret History Reveal Sith Eyes Take Back What Is Ours Tarkin Tatooine The Beginning of the End Again The Dark Side Stole My Boyfriend The Dark Times The Death Watch Is Not A Shitty Band The Jedi Council's Greatest Hits The Unbearable Sadness of Obi-Wan This Show Is Insane Tragic Backstory Tuskens Undercover Why Are You Doing This To Me Filoni Haven't I Suffered Enough Why Knock When You Can Just Badass Your Way In Wistful Sunset Gazing Yoda You Can Kill Pretty Much Anyone Except Maul

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