Wild Space, Part VII: Love Is The Drug

The Clone Wars, Book 2: Wild Space [Legends] by Karen Miller, Chapter 12

SO HELP ME GOD, I WILL FINISH RECAPPING THIS BOOK. Some way, somehow. I’ll get through this, or die valiantly at my post.

…welcome back to Snark Wars, friends! Previously, in Everyone In Star Wars Is An Emotional Disaster Person: The Novel, Bail and Obi-Wan yelled at each other a lot, Anakin holo-Skyped to the Old Folks Home, and Padme talked Obi-Wan into telling Bail the Secret of the Sith. Oh and at the end of the chapter Obi-Wan found out that the Republic had a BAD day and lost a ton of people in a recent battle, and he was sore and sad and also it was like 4AM and he hadn’t slept. Man, the Jedi are always getting electrocuted and never getting a full night’s sleep. I’m not sure the Galaxy should have been like “these should be the guys we let run around with laser swords”, but then again, good decisions aren’t exactly the GFFA’s forte.

No sleep for Obi-Wan, though! (What else is new?) Bail had gotten a Top Secret Message from his Mystery Source, and immediately dialed the Jedi Temple’s after-hours hotline and demanded a late-night rendezvous with Obi-Wan. (God, how many of THOSE calls are they getting per day? It’s probably an option on their call center menu: “If you are calling to request a personal after-hours visit from Obi-Wan Kenobi, please press 5. Unless this is Anakin again, in which case please just go down the hall and find him yourself, we’re not budgeted to keep taking your calls, Skywalker THIS IS A PLACE OF BUSINESS.”)

So with this Urgent Request having been placed, we jump into Chapter 12. Let’s do it!

Obi-Wan Kenobi, Must Be REALLY Tired

Obi-Wan arrives at Chez Bail and Bail is like “hey thanks for coming, sit down, can I get you anything?”

Wow. Obi-Wan was too tired for booze? Holy hell. Someone get this man a blanket, stat. Also I’m retroactively mourning the loss of the Organa Family Vineyard. Yet another thing that sounds awesome that Anakin ruined. Sigh.

The Jedi Order, Maybe Should Have Just Told The Galaxy To Fuck Off or Hired a PR Firm

Bail is like “I hope I didn’t drag you out of bed for this,” and I like that he doesn’t ASSUME that Obi-Wan must have been asleep at 3 or 4 in the morning or whenever Bail called him. Poor Obes.

Obi-Wan sighs and says that no, he was awake. At this, Bail pieces together that something bad must have just happened. (Bail, this is Obi-Wan we’re talking about. Something bad has LITERALLY ALWAYS HAPPENED TO HIM.)

Obi-Wan explains that they lost an entire battle group at Faleen. Bail blanches: all of them? Every cruiser?

Obi-Wan is like “yep, everything is the worst, as usual, thanks for asking.” Bail, however, has other reasons for being devastated beyond just that this is a horrible thing:

At this, Bail flips out at Obi-Wan: he’s being so cold! Sheev’s blog that he writes under a pseudonym is right — you guys have NO FEELINGS HOW COME YOU’RE NOT FREAKING OUT DON’T YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT ALL THE DEAD PEOPLE OBI-WAN. Oh, Bail. Look here, buddy: if Obi-Wan lost his shit every time someone he knew died, the man would have been institutionalized long, long ago. Also, just in case you forgot, you dragged the man over here in the middle of the goddamned night and the JEDI HAVE A LOT ON THEIR PLATES RIGHT NOW OK? FFS. God, why are the Jedi even trying to help this garbage galaxy.

Obi-Wan makes to leave, because he’s tired — both of this bullshit, and also possibly because I’m pretty sure he hasn’t slept in about 65 hours now. Bail directs him to sit back down, and then collects himself and apologizes for yelling at him. That’s gotta be a new feeling for Obi-Wan.

Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Planet-Loser

Obi-Wan settles back in and Bail asks him if he’s been able to find out any more about Zigoola, this ridiculously-named planet that Bail had mentioned before.

He says even Dex’s contacts had never heard of it, and if it hadn’t been for the fact that Bail’s original intelligence mentioned the Sith, he’d be inclined to assume that the whole thing was a hoax. He asks: has Bail heard any more from his sources?

Bail’s been sent the first set of coordinates for the journey, and Obes instantly is like “Sounds really dangerous! Someone will absolutely die if they go there! You stay here; I’ll go alone.” Obi-Wan…you could at least TRY to hide your death wish a little, honey.

Bail counters: NOPE, either Obi-Wan’s going with HIM, or Bail’ll go it alone. Sure, Bail. You go to a mysterious unmarked location that may or may not be steeped in Ancient Evil, and even OBI-WAN, a man who jumps out of flaming wreckage a minimum of 4 times a week, thinks it’s going to be dangerous. YOU’RE A SENATOR. WHY WOULD YOU OFFER TO DO THIS ALONE. Last I checked, the only thing Senators are even capable of doing is sexually harassing people and complaining about how poor people shouldn’t have health care. (Star Wars really IS a fantasy series, isn’t it?)

Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Not a Fan of C-SPAN

Bail goes on: if you think I’m just gonna hand over all my info and my commlink and blahblahblahblah, you’re “a much stupider man than I thought.” LOL! Ouch, Organa. Also if you think Obi-Wan’s dumb, just wait until you spend more time with Anakin. Hoo boy.

At this, Obi-Wan is, well, peeved:

Hahahaha, oh how I wish I knew what the epithet was.

Obi-Wan tries to push the whole “this is about the Sith and that’s kiiiiinda my wheelhouse, thanks,” but Bail is not at ALL willing to concede this one. Eventually he throws this out there:

LOL. The above was ripped directly from fanfic Anakin wrote about himself and Obi-Wan, I’m quite sure of it.

Recurring Theme: Bail Organa, Your Ride Outta Here

Bail is like, “So. I’ve got a civilian ship that is not tied to the Republic or the Senate or anything and I can get us out like RIGHT NOW if you’d PLEASE just stop arguing with me, plusalso I am actually a pretty great pilot.” Just once I’d like someone in Star Wars to be like “oh my God, please let’s just Uber it — I fucking suck at flying.” SOMEONE has to be failing their driver’s tests in this galaxy.

Obi-Wan’s reaction to this is to get even MORE annoyed, huffing that cruising between Alderaan and Space Maui is a liiiiiitttle different than flying to unknown parts of Wild Space, THANKS, and Bail stupidly is ACTUALLY SURPRISED BY THIS.

Obes continues: so if *I* get hurt or mercifully called home to the Force on this mission, will you even be able to fix the ship? HMMM? WILL YA, BAIL?!

Bail smirks that oh yes, he’ll know exactly how to fix it — he fixes ships for fun in his spare time. He once fixed a hyperdrive or some other random made-up thing in thirty-eight minutes JUST LAST WEEK! Think you can keep up?, Bail asks Skywalkerishly:

Hahaha, God. So, given that she’s related to Anakin AND was raised by Bail, this must mean Leia is like THE MOST INSUFFERABLY SELF-ASSURED mechanic of all time. No wonder one of the first things she ever said to Han was that his ship sucked.

Recurring Theme: Here, Have Some Dramatic Irony

Bail also drops that his mysterious sources will be feeding him the coordinates as he goes, so he doesn’t entirely know where he’s even going. Obi-Wan, feeling bad about all of this, is STILL dragging his feet on going with Bail, and I feel like I have been recapping these two yelling at each other for about 56 years at this point. Obi-Wan begs him to reconsider, and Bail is like “Pfft. I don’t have to listen to you! I’m not your Padawan!” Bail, please. We all know Obi-Wan’s Padawan never listened to him. He goes on: besides, I might come in handy!

I…I mean, he sort of was. Also that “typical politician” description, Kenobes? That’s eventually going to describe ANAKIN, pretty much. You’re welcome.

Obi-Wan stands up now and is like “I’m sorry. This whole plan is bananas and on behalf of the Jedi Order, I’m gonna take a hard pass on all of this and insist you take no further action.” LOL. Kenobi: THIS GUY DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU, but OK.

Obi-Wan Kenobi, Will Totally Kill You or Maybe Have Sex With You

He starts walking towards the door, and Bail reaches for his shoulder and spins him around, and Obi-Wan almost goes into Jedi Mode at being touched, and damn near whips out his lightsaber. Wow. Since I assume Anakin is pretty much constantly clinging to him, it’s a wonder Obi-Wan didn’t hack off a couple of his limbs a lot sooner than he did. (Sorry.)

Bail apologizes: he just wants Obes to hear him out, mmkay? At this, Obi-Wan has a reaction that more or less reads like he’s afraid that if he stays here much longer he’s going to end up in bed with Bail:

…I mean, I assume it’s always a possibility whenever Obi-Wan spends time with pretty much anybody, so…y’know.

Meet Count Dooku at CISCon ’17

Obi-Wan, FINALLY, is like FINE OK WE BOTH LOVE THE REPUBLIC OR WHATEVER JUST…gimme a minute and let me call my grandpa first. He goes into another room to comm Yoda.

Yoda is suitably nervous about all of this, and Obi-Wan confirms that, at the very least, he thinks that Bail is being honest. Yoda agrees but notes that this could all still be a Sith Plot. (No! Really?)

Obi-Wan asks if they know where Dooku is right now, and Yoda fills him in:

Ha! I know they meant like a political convention, but I’m just picturing Dooku signing his own headshots for a line of fans cosplaying as Nute Gunray.

OK, so, they’re unlikely to run into Dooku because he’s gonna be busy announcing the latest season of his reality show or whatever. That just leaves the Shadowy Unknown Darth Sidious Who For Some Reason They Just Can’t Seem To Find — and if, as Dooku had claimed, that guy’s influencing the Senate, well, he’s probably not leaving Coruscant very often. I love that they even narrowed Sidious down to the right planet and everything but they just never quite got this one across the finish line in time.

Master Yoda, Knows His Family

They chat a little bit about how there’s no way Bail is going to stay behind, which means Obi-Wan’s on the hook for babysitting the hell out of him because Yoda is like “That’s guy’s pretty important YOU CANNOT LET HIM DIE OK EVEN THOUGH EVERYONE AROUND YOU IS ALWAYS DYING.” Obi-Wan agrees, but notes:

Oh, I bet Padme would let a Jedi take care of some things for her. Ahem.

So: are you sure YOU are up for the challenge, Obi-Wan? Yoda asks.

LOL that Obi-Wan has to reassure Yoda that’s he mostly healed from that time he almost died in a fiery explosion like TWO FUCKING DAYS AGO. Good Lord. Also, yes Kenobes: you and Anakin are two peas in a crazy, reckless, on-fire pod.

Yoda tries to offer to send another Jedi with them, but Obi-Wan notes that A) Bail doesn’t want anyone else going, and B) there’s not really anyone else TO send, because everyone else is either already engaged in getting shot at elsewhere, or is currently dead. Obi-Wan’s like “It won’t be a big dramatic problem, Master No sweat!” and Yoda is like “Right. Just like that time we sent you alone to Kamino and ended up having to send half the goddamn Order and a quarter of the GAR over to fricking Geonosis.” This has the bonus effect of making Obi-Wan sad about all the Jedi who died rescuing him that time. Oh good. I was afraid he might have one second of his life that wasn’t drenched in Survivor’s Guilt. Thank goodness we dodged that bullet.

Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Loves Anakin

Oh, and just in case you were also concerned that we might get through an entire chapter of this book without being reminded of the Great Kenobi-Skywalker Love Affair, fear not. First, Yoda gives Obes permission to go on this mission alone with Bail, on condition that he stay in constant contact, like a parent who’s about to let their teenage kid out for the evening with a new friend. Just as Obi-Wan is about to hang up, he’s like OH YEAH BY THE WAY, ANAKIN — and Yoda cuts him off and is like “yes yes, we’ll worry about Anakin, you worry about yourself”, like HAHAHAHA GOOD LUCK WITH THAT YODA. And then this happens:

Just…yep. We know, Obi-Wan. We know. He hangs up, and tells Bail that it looks like they’re hitting the road.

Recurring Theme: I’m Pretty Sure Everyone In This Book Is Jealous of Everyone

The guys are packing up Bail’s car and Bail asks Obi-Wan if it’d be OK for him to call Breha and tell her the bad news about her cousin. Obi-Wan hedges a little, saying it’s technically classified information, and Bail is all DON’T YOU THINK I KNOW ABOUT SECURITY CONCERNS?! Dude, Bail: WHY EVEN BOTHER ASKING HIM IF YOU DON’T CARE WHAT HE THINKS. Like, the THEME of this book is people asking Obi-Wan to approve of ill-advised things they want to do, he declines to approve of it, and then they get pissed and yell at him and accuse him of being stupid or heartless or BOTH. GUYS. LEAVE HIM ALONE. And also let him nap. (Speaking of naps, did Obi-Wan ever get a chance to sleep yet? Or is he just gonna plow a ship into uncharted space on hour 74 of no sleep?)

Bail snaps: OBVIOUSLY I care about being discreet, why do you think I didn’t call Breha when I was back in my office?

LOL. Suuuuure. As if I’d ever believe that a Jedi could stop themselves from gossiping about someone. Also, this is the SECOND time in this book that Obi-Wan has apparently briefly wondered if Padme and Bail are banging. Is he jealous of Bail? Padme? Both? (Both. We know it’s both.)

Recurring Theme: The Unbearable Sadness of Obi-Wan

Bail continues to blather on about how Breha’s not just ANYONE, she’s the head of the Alderaanian government and SHE DESERVES TO KNOW ABOUT HER COUSIN and also they’re not even really like cousins, they’re more like siblings and GOD IT’D KILL HER TO FIND OUT FROM A NEWS REPORT and finally Obi-Wan catches up to where I was a few paragraphs ago and is like “CLEARLY YOU’RE GOING TO DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT SO WHY ARE YOU EVEN STILL TALKING TO ME?” EXACTLY. Thank you, Obi-Wan.

Bail is all THAT’S RIGHT I AM and starts calling Breha. Well. I’m glad we wasted pages arguing about this.

Obi-Wan now closes his eyes and he feels Breha’s pain wash over him as she’s told the devastating news. He pushes it aside and decides to focus more on his own broken, barely-healed body — because it’s easier than feeling Breha’s pain or thinking about all the Jedi Friends he just lost:

Oh. Wonderful. I know we already know this to the nth degree, but this guy is in for a BAD time in the desert in a couple of years. That’s all I’m saying.

Bail Organa, A Goddamn Hero

Bail tells Breha he’s going out of town on business and will be out of contact for a while, and Obi-Wan finds himself falling into a deeper and deeper trance, until the next thing he knows they’re in hyperspace and Bail is nudging him:

Let the record show: Bail Organa is a man who allowed, and encouraged, Obi-Wan Kenobi to take some Advil and go to bed. I know he eventually GOT a statue made of him (which friendly reminder I’m pretty sure was on Hosnian Prime which means HIS OWN GRANDSON THEN WORKED FOR THE GUYS WHO BLEW IT UP FUCK YOU KYLO YOU ARE MAYBE THE WORST SKYWALKER AND THAT IS A HIGH BAR TO CLEAR,) but this man deserved like, a HOLIDAY named after him. The Feast Day of St. Bail Organa: the man who let Obi-Wan Kenobi nap. What a hero.

Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, My Actual Husband

Obi-Wan scowls at the painkillers and declines them. Bail is like “um, you do know that your body was blown up earlier this week, right?” Obi-Wan sniffs that YES, he knows, but also He Is A Jedi, and he requires no chemical assistance. I am married to THIS EXACT KIND OF PERSON, minus the part where he blames his not taking painkillers on the fact that he’s a Jedi. Bail, like me, pushes back:

…I feel this book on a spiritual level. You people have no idea.

Bail Organa, Speed Freak

Obi-Wan finally relents and is all angry to himself about taking painkillers like a PLAIN OLD NON-JEDI PERSON THE HORROR, and Bail again tells him to sleep because he thinks Obi-Wan looks pale and horrible. Obi-Wan is like “well, what about YOU? You also look awful, when was the last time you slept?” Bail replies that he took a stim to stay awake.

LOL. So, just to briefly review: this book — which started with Padme practically throwing a wine glass dramatically at Obi-Wan for not understanding Her Healing Flowery Romantic Love For Anakin Skywalker That Is More Powerful Than Any Love Any Living Being Has Ever Experienced, then had Anakin and Padme eating space grapes in bed and probably having shower sex while Obi-Wan flew into an explosion, AND had that one part where Obi-Wan and Anakin have the most sexually-charged sweaty playfight THAT THE ENTIRE ORDER GATHERED AROUND TO WATCH which culminated in Anakin almost weeping because Obi-Wan touched him and told him he was a good boy — THAT SAME BOOK is now apparently about Obi-Wan and Bail Organa taking a road trip to God knows where while they’re both on drugs. I LOVE THIS BOOK. This book is a treasure. It should be re-canonized just because.

So they argue some MORE and eventually Obi-Wan agrees to go the fuck to sleep, FINALLY, and pretty much as soon as he hits the bed he passes out.

I Dream of Ani

Obi-Wan immediately has a dream about a terrible space battle, and you’ll just never ever guess what the first word out of his mouth is as he awakens from this sadly not-shirtless nightmare (I’d have pretended it was, except Karen Miller literally explains what he’s wearing before he went to sleep, alas. I guess we could pretend he took his shirt off WHILE sleeping. Let’s do that, OK readers?)

All right, so he wakes up shirtless from his nightmare, and this happens:

Bail is on the other side of Obi-Wan’s privacy curtain, and he clears his throat awkwardly. LOL. Maybe he’s been out there a while listening to Obi-Wan’s colorful sleep speeches about Anakin.

Bail, still riding the high from the Space Amphetamines he did a while back, tells him something:

I hope Anakin called and identified himself as such. Obi-Wan groggily corrects that Anakin’s not his Padawan anymore (yeah right), while being so relieved that Anakin’s not dead that the book explains that he’s almost IN PAIN from the relief. Good GOD, these two. Honestly.

Recurring Theme: Anakin Loves Obi-Wan

Oh good: so Anakin’s on the phone, and we’re going to spend some time with Obi-Wan’s absolute and total love for the Do As I Say, Not As I Do routine.

Anakin is immediately like WHERE ARE YOU WHAT ARE YOU DOING ARE YOU OK TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME:

I mean, I guess Anakin’s in one piece. Sort of. Except for that one part of his body that’s gone, Obes, thanks for making us think about it.

Anakin is surprised that Obi-Wan already kind of knows what happened to him. Then Obi-Wan pauses and is like “wait, why are you calling ME with a mission report? Shouldn’t you be calling the Council instead?” LOL. AS IF YOU HAVE TO ASK, KENOBES. Anakin gets all embarrassed about this and is like “well, old habits die hard and also I am in love with you and so of course I called you first”. He maybe doesn’t say that line verbatim, but whatever.

Anakin’s Not The Only One

Anyways they have some Banter, and then Obi-Wan tells him that he did a great job saving Bothawui, and that he’s amazing and on and on and sometimes I really just want to stab Anakin with a hat pin for hurting this man so badly later. HE LOVED YOUR STUPID ASS SO MUCH, SKYWALKER.

Anakin looks sheepish at all of this and he’s like “yeah…I did good….buuuuut I maybe also lost Artoo?” Obi-Wan, confused and also thinking to himself that it’s probably time Anakin grew out of this (LOL), is like “it’s OK, we’ll buy you a new one?” and Anakin is like BUT IT’S ARTOO AND I LOVE HIM I SHOULD PROBABLY SEND SEVERAL THOUSAND TROOPS TO SAVE HI, and Obi-Wan lets this little nugget slip:

EL-OH-EL. Sure. No attachment going on here except for Anakin’s love for Artoo. Mmhmm. SAYS THE MAN WHO JUST WOKE UP SCREAMING ANAKIN’S NAME 10 MINUTES AGO.

Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, Deadbeat Employee

This scene confused the crap out of me at first and I briefly thought I really HAD lost whatever is left of my mind, because this whole bit actually shows up in an early Clone Wars episode, right down to the dialogue. So I guess at least ONE part of this book IS canon, which I am now going to use as justification for declaring that ALL of it is. So, there: the Ass-Slapping Sweaty Playfight is canon. You’re welcome. (We all already knew it was.)

Anakin explains that, uh, they kiiinda need Artoo back because he maybe kinda sorta didn’t wipe Artoo’s memory? WHOOPSIE DOODLE.

Obi-Wan gets PISSED about this and is like GODDAMNIT ANAKIN WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING OMG and Ahsoka tries to back Anakin up, saying that Artoo’s memories have come in handy sometimes. Obi-Wan is unmoved, and then this happens and I LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH:

Oh, Obes. I feel you, friend. The above sentiment comprises fully half of this blog.

OK, so, with this information, Obi-Wan concedes that they will indeed have to go get Artoo. He tells Anakin that he’ll cover for him with the Council to buy him some time, but to get a move on. Anakin is, of course, slightly pleased because ONCE AGAIN Obi-Wan is letting him get his way. They hang up the call as the chapter concludes:

Hahahaha, what a chapter this has been! At least our Obes finally got himself a nap, eh? There’s that! And I’m sure his trip to Mystery Sith Planet with Bail Organa (and Bail’s friends, Dexy’s Midnight Runners) will be totally uneventful and pleasant and absolutely not at all insane. I’ll see you then, dear readers!