October 12, 2017 – SNARK WARS

SNARK WARS

TAKING NOT TAKING STAR WARS SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY. SINCE 2016.

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, Part I: Krennic’s Folly

October 12, 2017

Galen Erso gets a mandatory job offer; the Rebellion finally figures out what that gigantic menacing ball is; Bail and Mon Mothma deserve some PTO.

ANH Luke

"Luke, some primal instinct to Protect Obi-Wan At All Costs within him activated, is like “LISTEN HERE, INDIANA JONES: THAT OLD FOSSIL BELONGS IN A DAMN MUSEUM BEN KENOBI IS A GREAT MAN AND HE HAD GREAT HAIR AND HE’S KICKED MORE ASSES THAN YOU” and you know, I’d laugh and everything, except that I am totally on Luke’s side here. How dare you, Han Solo."

-- Star Wars: Episode IV, Part V: See You In The Next Life

TCW Rush Hour

"Threepio shows Anakin in, and Padme immediately is like “all right, get lost Threepio, I need to hold a special session of the Senate in Anakin’s pants like yesterday."

-- The Clone Wars, Season 2, Episode 4: Rush Hour

TCW Satine Should Have Suspected

"Lady, you’re the one who speed-walked away from him the last time you guys talked about feelings; you can’t just throw this out there now. Also there is kind of a lot of other stuff going on right now, and he’s trying to help you. What precisely are you hoping he’ll do about your love-that-can-never-be situation at this exact moment out here in what is basically the Senate parking lot?"

The Clone Wars, Season 2, Episode 14: It’s Always the Ones That, In Hindsight, You Really Should Have Suspected

ROTS Anakin Nothing Good

"Anyways, Anakin declares this the Happiest Moment of His Life, which of course means that literally nothing good will ever happen to him ever again."

Star Wars: Episode III, Part II: The Tragedy of Anakin Skywalker the Unwise

TCW Pain Rhymes

"I didn’t even realize until I went to pull the screengrabs that Qui-Gon even touches Obi-Wan’s cheek as he’s imparting his last words, as does Satine. I’m sure Obi-Wan appreciates the attention to callbacks, guys! HIS PAIN RHYMES WITH HIS OTHER PAIN."

The Clone Wars, Season 5, Episode 16: ‘Til Darth Do Us Part

Rebels Maul Threat Level

"Bridger, you just pulled a woman through a goddamned wrinkle in time — at this point I’m pretty sure “large wolf partially haunted by ghost of my Master” isn’t even a stretch at this point. (As an aside, the sheer batshittery going on here surely means we are at Maul Threat Level Orange, minimum, everyone, so stay vigilant.)"

Rebels, Season 4, Episode 13: No One’s Ever Really Gone

Mando The baby 50 years

"I AM DYING THAT THIS ADORABLE FUCKER IS FIFTY GODDAMN YEARS OLD, which means that THIS BABY AND ANAKIN SKYWALKER WERE BORN AT THE SAME TIME. ANAKIN’S ENTIRE LIFE HAS BEEN OVER FOR 5 YEARS ALREADY. The ENTIRE LUCAS-ERA SKYWALKER SAGA HAS COME AND GONE AND THIS TINY DUDE IS STILL CHILLING IN BLANKET BURRITO IN A DAMN BASSINET. HE BASICALLY NAPPED THROUGH THE ENTIRE CLONE WARS AND THE ENTIRE EMPIRE. I love him. I LOVE HIM."

The Mandalorian, Season 1, Chapter 1: The Mandadorable

WS Anakin Space Grapes

Just to reiterate: Obi-Wan was off gathering important information that could save countless lives at great personal risk, and in the meantime Anakin was off BEING FED GRAPES IN BED BY HIS SECRET WIFE. I promise I’m laughing as I say this? But FUCK YOU, ANAKIN."

Wild Space, Part III: It’s a Hard-Knock Life

TCW Satine Gift Basket

"Considering how important Obi-Wan’s continued existence and Jediness is going to be for both the Jedi AND the entire universe in the long-term, they should be sending Satine a damn “thank you for not (continuing to be?) having sex with this man” stipend on a weekly basis instead of pulling this kind of crap."

The Clone Wars, Season 4, Episode 15: The Worst-Laid Plans

Rebels Going Back to Tatooine

"As mandated by the Rules of Galaxy, of course, there are only a handful of reasons to ever go to this Sandy Nightmare Planet: 1. To pick up a Skywalker, 2. To find Obi-Wan Kenobi and/or rifle through his stuff, or 3. Because your shirtless nightmare told you to. In this go-round, we’re entering through Door Number 2."

Rebels, Season 3, Episode 17: This Could Be The Last Time

AOTC Padme Gifts

"I have never felt closer to a character in Star Wars than I do to Padme in this moment. I, too, would be unable to comprehend what was happening if the government sent me Obi-Wan and Anakin as presents."

Star Wars: Episode II, Part I: Attack of the Hormones

ESB Yoda Steal Food

"Yoda now proceeds to snatch food off of Luke’s little table and eat it. Please recall that Yoda’s last exposure to the Skywalkers was walking through the aftermath of Anakin’s Tornado of Death in the Jedi Temple. I kind of feel like some part of Yoda was like “well, he seems like a good kid and all, but also THIS FAMILY OWES ME AT LEAST A FUCKING GRANOLA BAR if I’m gonna wade into all THIS again.”"

Star Wars: Episode V, Part III: Swamp Thing

Rogue One Heartbreak Castle

"Basically, Mid-Level Project Manager Orson Krennic is going to talk to his company’s VP to discuss some challenges on his recent assignment. It’s just that instead of going up a couple floors to the executive offices, he’s had to meet this guy AT HIS LAVA CASTLE BUILT ON THE SITE OF HIS GREATEST HEARTBREAK.”"

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, Part III: Set Your Weapons to Pun

TCW Flirt or Fight

"Honestly, now I’m starting to get confused as to whether Anakin is arguing with this guy or just hitting on him. Which, in fairness, is pretty much how Anakin was raised to deal with bad guys by the Ultimate Grand Master of Sexually-Charged Trash Talk, Obi-Wan Kenobi. "

The Clone Wars, Season 6, Episode 5: If Only There’d Been Warning Signs

Comics Obi-Wan Sticks

"I can’t even believe this guy is upright anymore given the hundreds of electrocutions, injuries, near-death experiences and dramatic jumping-out-of-exploding-things he’s already experienced, but sure, Kenobi: you should probably spend your waning years of physical health beating things with heavy sticks."

Star Wars #15: Adventures in Babysitting

TPM Padme Wigs

"Padme, meanwhile, is sick of this bullshit: she’s packing her 157 steamer trunks of hats and wigs and capes and beaded ballgowns that she uses as nightwear and she’s going back to Naboo, damn it!"

Star Wars: Episode I, Part V: Parent-Teacher Conferences

TCW Obi-Wan Type

"Satine? Goes Full Skywalker here and is like I WILL HAVE YOUR ASS KICKED IF YOU DON’T TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO KNOW and Padme has to be like “…whoa girl, let’s just take it down a notch or twelve” and Satine is like DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO AMIDALA and just…ladies and gentlemen, if you do not think OBI-WAN KENOBI HAS A TYPE, well, I do not know what to even tell you anymore."

The Clone Wars, Season 3, Episode 5: We Have So Much In Common

ROTS Anakin Pilot

"This means that Anakin, Hero Space Pilot, is going to have to try and land what’s left of this smoldering ship. Can he do it? Will they make it? I would be remiss if I did not point out what many others, including myself, have before, which is that if all of them had just crashed and died here, the universe would almost certainly have ended up in better shape than it does. Oops."

Star Wars: Episode III, Part I: I’m Not Leaving Without You

ANH Mind Trick

"Luke instead is like GOLLY BEN: do you really think we’ll find a pilot to take us to Alderaan here? So, Luke is MORE skeptical of the idea that they can find themselves a glorified Uber driver here than he is about the fact that this old dude he’s traveling with just told him HE CAN CAUSE STRANGERS TO DO HIS BIDDING USING MIND POWERS? "

Star Wars: Episode IV, Part III: A Wretched Hive of Smug and Absurdity

ROTJ Done and Done

"Sidious tells Vader not to worry about some reports of the Rebel fleet near Sullust, and then grandstands about how soon they’ll be crrrrrrrrushed and Luke will be “one of us”. LOL. You mean an overdramatic idiot with superpowers who enjoys showboating? Done and done, Excellency. "

Star Wars: Episode VI, Part III: Our Dearly Departed

ROTSN Moment of clarity

"Anakin is having what is entertainingly described as a moment of clarity, which is funny because A) I don’t know if “I’ve finally decided to lean into my murderous rage” should be considered a clear-headed decision, and B) as if I’m ever going to believe Anakin had a moment of his life that didn’t involve at LEAST 10% confusion and befuddlement. He is in constant need of supervision. "

Revenge of the Sith, Part II: Speak Now Or Forever Hold Your Peace

TPM Sousa march

"Obi-Wan spots a settlement on Tatooine that they can land on, possibly because the Force is like, blasting the supernatural equivalent of a John Philip Sousa march at him all GO LAND **RIGHT** **HERE**, YOU NEED TO DO THIS JUST TRUST ME IT DEFINITELY WON’T RUIN YOUR LIFE, ba-da-da-da-daaaaa! "

Star Wars: Episode I, Part II: Coarse, Rough and Irritating

Tcw Mortis

"It’s Qui-Gon! And he’s here to check up with Obi-Wan on how things are going with Project Let’s Train the Chosen One Even Though Everyone Kept Telling Us Not To."

The Clone Wars, Season 3, Episode 15: Your Destiny Lies Along a Much Weirder Path Than Mine

SNARK WARS

TAKING NOT TAKING STAR WARS SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY. SINCE 2016.

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