STAR WARS RECAPS AND COMMENTARY. (THE FUN KIND.)

The Mandalorian, Season 1, Episode 8: We Are Family

The Mandalorian, Season 1, Episode 8: Redemption

Hello once again, readers! Long time no chat. I come to you from the trenches of Virtual Schoolery and Pre-Election Constant Nausea and Panic Attacks (PS: if you are an eligible American and voting has started in your state PLEASE STOP READING THIS RIGHT NOW, PUT ON A MASK AND GO DO THAT FIRST THANK YOU I PROMISE THIS RECAP WILL BE HERE WHEN YOU GET BACK) to spend a little time over here, screaming about a Yoda Puppet. Because I’m an adult.

Yes, it’s almost time for Season Two of The Baby Yoda Show, as it’s known in my home, and just in time for me to attempt to write this recap a few weeks ago, the software I was using to get screengrabs stopped working. As screengrabs are kind of an important element of these recaps, this resulted in a detour of sorts while I got that straightened out (or more accurately, found new software to use), hence the longer-than-usual delay. But fear not: sometimes I may be slow as hell to update, but I will always return to you guys, at least until Star Wars runs out of crazy bullshit, which obviously will never happen.

But you’re not here for my excuses, are you? You’re here for THE BABY and HIS DAD and the Best Thing In The Universe (Non-Obi-Wan Category) Which I Am Very Excited To Talk About Again Today.

So! Leading into this final installment of Season One, Mando Dad Din Djarin and his tiny green frog son had been Having Adventures and Making Friends and Also Mortal Enemies at every turn. And wouldn’t you know? Turns out The Baby isn’t just abnormally cute — he’s abnormally powerful, too! Yep, our Baby’s got The Force, and you know what that means: his life will probably be terrible and despite helping God knows how many people, the general consensus is somehow going to be that everything bad is his fault. He’s saved his Dad a couple of times, Force-healed Carl Weathers, and tried to Force-choke Cara Dune, who I guess is sort of like his Space Aunt now, AND weaseled his way into our hearts. Oh, AND he looks super cute when he drinks soup.

Complicating everything is the Mysteeeeeerious Backstory of our tiny green pal: he appears to be on every Creepy Former Imperial’s Wish List, which may or may not have anything to do with the Background Implications of Cloning Shenanigans going on in this series so far. Also there’s the fact that he and Anakin Skywalker were born in the same year, which could be significant or could mean absolutely nothing, but I just wanted to mention it again because the idea that Anakin’s entire crazy-ass life already happened and has been over for YEARS while the Baby is still, like, TEETHING, AND THEY WERE THE SAME AGE, is absolutely fucking hilarious to me.

And of course, let’s not forget that the Mando himself is a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in beskar: never appearing without full armor (despite the fact that, uh, pretty much every other Mando we’ve ever seen has been ALL ABOUT dramatically revealing themselves by removing their helmets if they’re not already dramatically sassing at Obi-Wan), Din’s got some serious Clone Wars Trauma (don’t we all). This dates back to when his apparent home planet was attacked by the Separatists and he was rescued by Some Mandos, who I guess were there for some reason? Who knows! This is Star Wars, so whatever the reason was, I’m sure it was stupid.

ANYWAYS: just before today’s episode, the Mando, Carl Weathers and Cara Dune had found themselves trapped inside a cantina after a shootout that caused the untimely death of Werner Herzog, a man whose involvement with all of this in the first place makes the ridiculousness levels for this show high even by Star Wars standards. Said shootout was done at the behest of Moff “Gus Fring” Gideon, and honestly I’m amused that they keep making someone as seemingly mild-mannered and nice and funny as Giancarlo Esposito play these ruthless, evil dudes. This happened as Kuiil — the dude who taught the Mando how to ride a blurg at the beginning of this season — babysat for Baby Yoda, and then was Tragically Killed (nooo!) Now, Moff Gideon is grandstanding about how soon he’ll have what he wants, and The Baby’s been kidnapped by some stormtroopers.

So! Yes! That’s where we are! WILL the Baby be rescued? Will the Mando have to show himself, finally? Will I scream like a child at the end of this episode all over again even though I’ve already seen it at least twice now, because FAVREAU YOU MAGNIFICENT NERDY BASTARD? I think we all know the answer to that one — come along with me, and let’s see how often I can make this about Obi-Wan and/or Anakin despite the fact that it’s set several years after both of their deaths!

The Empire, Unsurprisingly Terrible Babysitters

The stormtroopers who’ve captured Baby Yoda ride out to a checkpoint on some speeder bikes and comm over to whoever:

I am so obsessed with this stupid puppet, you guys. He’s not even DOING anything and I’m like LOOK LOOK THE BABY’S IN A MESSENGER BAG.

At the Baby’s noise, the trooper with the bag punches at him:

My children were SO OFFENDED BY THIS. There was audible gasping all around in the Snark Wars Household.

So: with yet another example of why the Galactic Empire can eat a bag of dicks out of the way…get ready for more, I guess, since as they check in, they’re told that Gideon just wrecked up the place. Stormtrooper #2 is like wait what:

Oh hahahahaha, no of course that can’t be right, it’s not like the Empire’s senior management is just staffed with horrible fascist psychopaths and depressed killbots with magic powers who are a collective master class in killing and betraying people from their own side and everything (ANAKIN)! Surely you’ve misheard, my friend!

Stormtrooper #1 is utterly unfazed, so either he’s a shittier person OR he’s just been working here longer. He blahblahblahs about “these guys like to lay down the law when they first come into town” or whatever and then PUNCHES THE BABY AGAIN, so, OK, let’s assume he IS a shittier person. Trooper #2 is like “uh anyways what the hell is that thing anyways?”

Trooper #1 is like meh, who knows:

Recurring Theme: That Never-Fail Star Wars Humor

They have some more banter and then are just sort of chilling out and waiting for their next round of orders, and we are treated to the comedy gold of Star Wars literally giving me this closed-captioning:

Why am I even here? You guys don’t need me to write snark about these shows, at least half the time they just do it themselves.

Not content to just freestyle the afternoon away, the two of them now start shooting at some debris on the ground nearby out of boredom. And guess what, guys? They’re REAL BAD AT HITTING THEIR MARK, ha ha, GET IT, because the stormtroopers are always bad at this? REMEMBER??? LIKE IN THOSE MOVIES?? AND HOW WE ALL MADE VERY FUNNY JOKES ABOUT IT ON THE INTERNET AND WHATNOT????? Oh, Star Wars. Yes, sure, you’re hilarious and we all got your “insider” joke there. Can we get one about sand and/or the lack of railings everywhere next?? That way you can keep your material as fresh as I’ve kept mine.

Fortunately for all of us, this show has actually allowed Star Wars to give itself a few new running jokes, one of which is that everyone wants to see the Baby because OF COURSE WE DO. So now Trooper #2 is angling to give the Baby some water, and Trooper #1 accuses him of just wanting to see him. This turns into a back-and-forth about whether or not the first trooper even really got to see him during the kidnap, and for real: does anybody in this universe have a dynamic with their coworkers that isn’t 90% bickering?

Trooper #1 checks in again, and is told that the Moff just killed someone for interrupting him, so “this might take awhile”. LOL. You know what’s really funny (and also very much not) to me about all of this? I get that the Empire’s been critically hobbled by this point, AND I know that the story is that CLEARLY the Dark Side wasn’t TRULY done being shitty yet (THANKS FOR HELPING OUT, KYLO) but I love that there’s just like, a straight-up Moff and a bunch of stormtroopers causing problems like DID THE REBELS EVEN GET ONE SINGLE WEEKEND OF PEACE, or??? Why did we even THROW the Ewok Party? Does it count as ANY kind of a true win if A) the entire organization of EvilCo seems to just have sort of been like LA LA LA WE CAN’T HEAR YOU and kept on keeping on, and B) the Emperor wasn’t even actually ALL THE WAY DEAD ANYWAYS?! From where I’m sitting the ONLY person who actually benefited overall from the end of Return of the Jedi is ANAKIN, who is one of the LAST PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY DESERVED TO BENEFIT, and now I’m cracking up as I write this. Seriously: Luke and Leia and Han and Lando and everybody else who worked on the side of good in the original trilogy all get stuck holding the bag of trying to rebuild the Republic and the Jedi Order (ALL OF WHICH FAILS SPECTACULARLY BY THE WAY), but Anakin? He got to quit working and tell off his boss in a TRULY epic way, he got his hot hair and body and face back DESPITE NEVER HAVING TO WORK ON BEING A GHOST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DID, he got to go live with OBI-WAN FOREVER, and HE NEVER EVEN HAD TO APOLOGIZE FOR ANYTHING. I know I’ve brought it up before (that line should be the official motto of this site), but Anakin’s whole death scene is fucking hilarious: his last words are basically TELL EVERYONE HOW GREAT I WAS.

…I’ve done that thing again, haven’t I? I TOLD you I would make this about Anakin somehow. OK. Yes: Baby Yoda. Trooper #2 is concerned for his welfare! What if he was really hurt by those MULTIPLE PUNCHES?

Phew! BABY. He is OK. Deep breaths, everyone. He’s alive, and he’s feisty!

Guys. Does this mean Yoda was toddling around the Temple, eating whole frogs and BITING PEOPLE? God, I hope so.

Recurring Theme: Hero Droid

This earns the Baby another punch :'( but never fear: a robot’s here!

I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. With his request obviously refused, IG starts some good ol’ fashioned ass-kicking, and it’s predictably awesome:

He makes short work of these two dopes, and grabs one of the speeder bikes with Baby in tow:

Awww!

Recurring Theme: Into the Vents and/or Sewers!

We’re then booted to the title screen to get that out of the way, and then we cut back to the cantina standoff. Carl Weathers informs Mando and Cara that there’s no alternate way out of the place (which seems like a big time fire hazard but OK, Star Wars, we all know you do not follow any sort of workplace safety regulations) and Mando wonders if they could get out through the sewers. I guess Mando’s seen some Star Wars before, although I guess if that were the case he’d probably have suggested the vents first. We’re really mixing it up this week, I guess!

Mando explains he’s got an in with the sewer people:

So the Mandalorians are like…the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles of this show? All right then! Cara hilariously is like “that sounds great!” because, you know, the alternative is to DIE. She also idly wonders why the Imperials outside aren’t just killing them already.

Pfft. She clearly doesn’t understand a little thing called showmanship. That’s right: they’re getting a really really BIG gun.

…there’s some sort of “overcompensating” joke to be made about the Empire insisting on always having the BIGGEST BIG GUNS, but I’m not going to be the one to make it for you.

So they make for the sewer grate, and it turns out to be basically welded on more tightly than anything else in this godforsaken galaxy ever has been. I love that in Star Wars, your expensive ship’s hyperdrive will fail 8 times per trip, your lightsaber will break into pieces, your superweapon can be destroyed with ONE SINGLE SHOT, but when you really need to open a SEWER GRATE IN A DINGY SHITHOLE BAR, it will be sealed on so tightly that two strong people pounding at it, pulling on it, and SHOOTING AT IT REPEATEDLY won’t make a dent.

Recurring Theme: Tragic Backstory

Outside, Gideon is like “uhh so obviously you guys know we are totally gonna kill you with this gun, right? And if you’re NOT familiar with this weapon…”

Ooooooooh. Well well well, look who’s got herself a Tragic Backstory That Ties Into Events From Earlier Content. Congrats, Cara! Don’t worry: no one around here who has a Tragic Backstory ever gets MORE pain piled on or anything! It’s, it’s not like if, oh, say, your father figure died in your arms they’d make your girlfriend later die in your arms, too? And also your mortal enemy whom you’ve already technically killed at LEAST once shows up again, and then HE’D die in your arms as well? That would be ridiculous and obnoxious and maybe even slightly more than a little uncreative. And also very mean, especially if you were THE NICEST AND HANDSOMEST MAN IN THE WHOLE SERIES, HONESTLY, WHY —

…excuse me. So help me God, I AM going to get through this episode and I AM NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT OBI-WAN OR ANAKIN AGAIN. (This is a lie, I’m sure, but it’s fun to pretend.)

Recurring Theme: The Bad Guy Did His Homework

As everyone exchanges glances over this Shocking News about Cara’s past, Gideon continues:

There were SONGS about that?! Oh my God. Since it’s Star Wars you know they were all Flowery and Dramatic and took themselves super seriously but really, they should just be like:

Oh Maul got back in for some reason
and our PM once poisoned our snacks
so then Bo-Katan asked some hot guys
to help us go on the attack

These idiots sent us their daughter
because they had been called away
She was a true consummate badass
And we hoped that she’d save the day

Then in our really weird throne room
Ahsoka Lord Maul tried to hire
But she kicked his ass and detained him
Somehow everything’s still on fire

(Go ahead, sing it to the tune of the verse of “My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean“. Aren’t you glad you have access to my senility? Sure you are.)

ANYWAYS, the Moff blathers on about how gunships used similar ordinance during The Night of 1,000 Tears (which is a for-real thing they used to describe this like WAY TO MAKE ME SADDER ABOUT IT ALL) and then is like OH DON’T THINK YOU’RE GETTING OUT OF ME SHARING YOUR BACKSTORY TOO, CARL WEATHERS:

Recurring Theme: Let’s Make a Deal

So he’s all, “Why don’t you guys just come out?”, and they have some back-and-forth about whether they can trust Gideon (to which he’s like, YA CAN’T), and eventually he tells them they’ll be given until nightfall to decide if they want to come out and cooperate, or if they wanna die. Nightfall seems pretty generous, but OK. I’ll confess I don’t know much about being an evil guy.

Greef is like “I say we take the deal”, and Cara is less than impressed. He counters that at least outside they have a shadow of a chance, and she’s like uhhhh maybe for you:

She says they’d hook her up to a “Mind Flayer”, and Greef is like NUH UH THAT WAS JUST SOME THING CRAZY PEOPLE SHARED ON FACEBOOK:

Cara’s like “yeah well I’d rather not find out if they’re real through personal experience, thanks” and pronounces that she’s going to be shooting her way out of there. Mando interjects: he knows who this dude is. It’s Moff Gideon (we already knew that, Mando, but thanks.) Cara is aghast:

Oh, CARA. You poor, naive soul. Just because a man was executed doesn’t mean he’s dead! He could be a cyborg who kept himself alive through the power of being really angry! A ghost! He could have body-hopped into a clone! Maybe they executed his clone instead! Or maybe the man who was executed was a decoy of Moff Gideon’s that looks a lot like him! Maybe he’s actually a sentient memory! A zombie that was brought to life with black magic by a bunch of witches! Maybe he jumped through the fabric of space and time at a critical moment and he was never dead to begin with! ALL OF THESE THINGS ARE CONCEPTS THAT EXIST IN CANON. God, sometimes I really hate that I watch all this AND GIVE IT MONEY.

Recurring Theme: Quick Sidebar for Some Worldbuilding

Mando is insistent: it’s him. He knew Mando’s name! Carl Weathers is like SO WHAT?

Greef asks: on Mandalore? Mando explains that he wasn’t born on Mandalore, and now Greef’s even more confused: huh? Cara helpfully supplies that Mandalorian isn’t a race…

So then: “Mandalorian” is just a special club for beings of any race who wear similar clothes, are frequently the cause of significant property damage, and are unified in their unstoppable zest for drama, huh? Yeah, they’re super-duper at odds with the Jedi Order. Can totally see why they’ve had so much trouble seeing eye-to-eye. AHEM.

Recurring Theme: Clone Wars Trauma

Then Mando flashes back to the laugh-a-thon that was the Clone Wars, and we see him and his parents fleeing a bunch of battle droids that are shooting up the place. He is ushered into a underground root cellar sort of thing:

His parents give him a tearful goodbye, and moments after the doors shut, there’s a giant explosion, followed by this guy at his door:

He winces, braching himself for the shot, when the droid is taken out by a Mysterious Stranger. Oh hey! A Mando!

So: the Mandos are drama llamas who also went around saving small children from droids during the Clone Wars. OK. This whole Mando-Jedi tension is for sure over something hilariously petty, isn’t it? Like they can claim it’s because the True Mandos aren’t pacifists and they think the Jedi are a bunch of weenies, or that the JEDI were too NOT pacifist for the True Mandos or whateverthehell the actual backstory is, but this whole conflict has to have been over something ridiculous. You know it was. Also I sincerely doubt that Obi-Wan was the first Jedi to seduce a Mandalorian in the Order’s zillion-year history. (Though if he WAS, that’s also hilarious. His hotness was SO POTENT he actually broke the Mandalorians 25,000-year No-Jedis Policy.) (YES I KNOW I’M TALKING ABOUT HIM AGAIN.)

So Baby Mando sees all these other Mandos saving the day and destroying a bunch of droids and then he flies off with one of them:

…I’ve always told my children, “never leave with a stranger on his jetpack, unless our planet is overrun by the droid armies of a dark wizard and you have to fly to safety with him and his warrior clan.” That’s just basic good parenting.

Back in the present, Mando says he was raised in what was called the Fighting Corps (creative name, I guess,) and treated as one of their own. The only record of his old name would have been on Mandalore, I’m guessing in the basement of Satine’s weird throne room or something, and apparently Moff Gideon was an ISB officer “during the purge”. So, there was a purge at some point after the Clone Wars? Is any part of Mandalore’s history…like, just OK? Please remember that SATINE was “trying to rebuild” from whatever happened when she was ON THE RUN with Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon FOR A YEAR. Like, Obi-Wan made it sound like she had really had her work cut out for her, too. Then they get a Prime Minister that poisons schoolchildren, then Death Watch starts blowing shit up, then Maul, then goddamn MAUL AGAIN, then a giant fiery siege, then a purge?! Good grief. Someone give these people a damn BREAK.

I do have to laugh that Mando’s like “that’s the ONLY guy it could be, and the ONLY way he could know who we all are is that he used to work in the records department”. Like…I’m not…clear on how having access to his old report cards or whatever would have allowed Gideon to be like “yep that’s him that’s the guy” especially since Din never even takes his helmet off, OR how this helped him know who the rest of them were, but clearly I’m wasting FAR too many of my limited brain cells on this so let’s just move along.

Recurring Theme: Jedi Babies, Living In The Fast Lane

At any rate, Mando also determines that the Baby must still be alive and got away, or they’d all be dead by now. He tries to comm Kuiil about it, and instead they hear the Baby as he joyrides on IG’s bike:

IG tells Mando that Kuiil is dead, but he himself is serving his base function: to nurse and protect (ha!) And with that, he goes FLYING into town, shooting at stuff as he does so and the Baby? IS HAVING A BLAST:

…just WAIT til he finds out about spinning. I hear it’s a good trick!

IG more or less lays waste to the place, all while keeping Baby in his makeshift Ergo carrier:

The melee allows Mando the opportunity to get out of the cantina and shoot things — taking hold of the Giant Gun and opening fire on a bunch of troopers:

All the while, Gideon is just taking this all in, one second away from sarcastic clapping and evil laughter:

He takes aim at the…power?? source?? of the Giant Gun, and blows Mando to the ground, concussed. The trio, plus IG and the Baby, all retreat back into the cantina, with Cara dragging Mando’s unconscious body.

Greef asks IG to open the grate they couldn’t move before, which of course he can do (LOL.) Mando is all “you guys go on without me”, and Cara ain’t having it:

If only Anakin’s Butt were here right now! That sure seems to rouse people from their concussions with minimal issue. (I’m sorry. I really have a serious problem.)

Recurring Theme: Beware The Tiny Badass

Cara makes to take off Din’s helmet, but he’s insistent: they need to leave him, and take care of the Baby:

Mando keeps trying to die, and Cara keeps trying to make him not die, when they have a new pressing issue to contend with:

Yeah, they’re about to be burned to death. What a day this has been!

The Baby, taking in the situation, is like certain death? Destruction? A chance to be a showoff? Why, this sounds like a job for…a Jedi!

As the trooper with the flamethrower (er, flametrooper? I guess?) makes his way in, the Baby gets REAL:

This is HILARIOUS and I know they’ve said George Lucas likes this show and you know what? This time I might actually believe it (…ahem.) THIS IS SOMEHOW THE CUTEST AND DUMBEST AND BEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. That feeling? Is how I know I’m getting 100% Pure Organic Grade-A Star Wars. Accept no substitutes.

The Baby PUSHES THE BALL OF FIRE BACK AT THE TROOPER, then gets tuckered out:

Can we please, once again, take a moment to RESPECT what Shmi Skywalker must have experienced on a daily basis raising the Force’s actual son, if this is what JUST A PRESUMABLY REGULAR JEDI BABY IS LIKE? JESUS CHRIST. “You look tired Shmi, is little Ani teething?” “Oh no, he set his crib on fire with his brain again last night and then floated out the window, you know how it is.”

So: IG gets the grate open, and Greef, Cara and the Baby get going, with IG promising to bring the Mando with him. He crouches down next to him to give him medical aid. Mando thinks he’s staying behind to put him out of his misery, and asks him to “just get it over with”.

IG is like “nuh uh” and starts to remove Mando’s helmet. He’s not OK with this:

Which of course sets up a line we all saw coming:

The fact that our hero is about to let himself be saved because of a technicality sounds about right, knowing the heroes of Star Wars.

Hey look: it’s Din!

IG sprays his head with bacta, and, just like in fanfic, apparently that’s all he needed and he’s going to be completely fine now. So, uh, so much for his apparently terrible injury, I guess. That stuff really is miraculous.

So they take to the sewer FINALLY and everyone’s happy that Mando’s not dead, and now they’ve gotta find some Mandalorians to help escort them to safety.

Recurring Theme: Yet Another Bright Day For Mandalore

They’re wandering around trying to find these guys, when they run across a not-great sign:

Din is sad, then furious, demanding to know if Greef and his men had anything to do with this, which he insists he didn’t. Suddenly a voice is heard, and it’s the Armorer Lady, who frankly somehow reminds me of the Grand Midwife/Grand Priestess/Grand Funeral Director character from Kif’s home planet in Futurama especially when she just pops up like this. (Yes, my nerdiness is not confined to Star Wars, I know.)

She explains to Mando that no one went out of their way to start shit with them — they revealed themselves:

Once they did that, the Imperials showed up and did this. She tells him she hopes a few have survived besides her. He tells her to come with them, and she shoots him down:

She walks them over to her armory, then tells Mando:

See? EVERYONE wants to see the baby.

Recurring Theme: Accidental Parenthood

He shows her, and she observes that the Baby looks “helpless”:

Mando is like “yeah no he’s sort of hurt but he is NOT helpless” and tells her that the Baby’s species can “move things” with their minds. At this, the Grand Armorer is like OH BOY, listen here sonny, I think I know what you’ve got there — there were battles between Mandalore the Great…

…and, to my great amusement, she notes that Mandalore has a song about THAT, too, which I assume was more or less:

One day were we minding our business
When lo and behold we did see
A bunch of weird, stupid-hot wizards
Whose faces made us all an-gry

I mean, at least that’s how I’D feel about it. ANYWAYS, my rapidly deteriorating mental state notwithstanding, the Armorer tells Mando that while the Jedi as a group are enemies, this wee beeb is not. And as a foundling, Mando Law says it’s in his care. He’s too weak to be trained, so now Mando’s gotta take him back to his family.

Mando partially bluescreens at this: wait, what? Where the hell is that? The Armorer is like “hell if I know, that sounds like a You Problem buddy”, and he’s like “…lemme get this straight: you want me to find some unknown place in the galaxy, with a baby…”

She’s like “yeah basically”. Cara now interjects to point out that the whole place is gonna be overrun with bad guys soon, so can we please get a move on? The Armorer tells them which way to go, and Mando tries to say he’s going to stay behind with her, and she’s like “hey I don’t think so pal: you’ve got a baby Jedi to take care of, and the law says that until he’s of age or returned to one of those temples with those unreasonably huge statues of what is CLEARLY Obi-Wan…”

LOL FOREVER AT “until it is OF AGE”. THE BABY IS ALREADY 50. He could be underage for another FOUR HUNDRED YEARS FOR ALL WE KNOW. Settle in, Mando. You better hope you can find Luke or Ahsoka.

Recurring Theme: She Can Handle Herself

The Armorer gives him his signet, declaring that he and Baby Yoda are now “a clan of two”:

The Imps are on the move now, and IG goes to scout the hallway, leaving Cara on Unwilling Baby Duty:

While IG kills a bunch more people (hahaha) the Armorer has one more parting gift for Mando: his very own jetpack! Wow, it’s like Mando Life Day up in here. IG returns, and she hands it to him:

The gang departs, and more troopers arrive in the armory, getting more than they bargained for:

Recurring Theme: Lava River

The group makes their way in the direction the Armorer had told them to go, ending up at a lava river. Oh, good. Happy stuff always happens by those!

There’s a ferry boat there, but it’s not entirely functional — the droid that operates it appears to be dead — and needs to be pushed into the lava to get going. Cara helpfully works to make this happen by shooting at it WHILE holding the baby in her other hand (hahaha):

So, they set off down the river and oh hey, the droid’s not dead after all, and he is also A DAMN ROBOT GONDOLIER:

How is Star Wars real, I ask you. So they’re cruising along down this river…

And they see a literal light at the end of the tunnel! Unfortunately? It’s flanked by stormtroopers. That’s gonna be a problem.

Cara’s panicking (and shoots the gondolier droid’s head clear off when he doesn’t stop the boat) and IG points out that the Imperials will want to take the child, which is unacceptable:

Mando tells him he can’t take them alone, and IG’s like “yeah that’s not the objective, little buddy” and AWWW but also NOOOOOO. Yes, our buddy IG is gonna allow himself to self-destruct for our friends here. He hands Mando his jetpack:

Mando protests and AWWWW looks like someone’s coming around on droids eh buddy? IG tells him there’s no other way:

Mando is BIG SAD about this and continues to try and talk him out of it. IG replies:

*sobs* You know who’d be SO SAD about this part? Anakin. (I just felt like at this point I should bring him up again on purpose, really. We’re so close to the end.)

Mando attempts to claim he isn’t sad, and IG counters that he KNOWS he is because he’s analyzed his voice. LOL. Take THAT, MANDO. With that, he touches the Baby’s ear (!!!!!) and walks straight into the lava. The worst part is that THE BABY HAS TO WATCH THIS:

Look, this kid is a Jedi, OK? We already KNOW his life is going to be terrible and full of people he loves dying. MUST WE MAKE IT START BEFORE HE IS EVEN AN INITIATE?!

IG emerges from the tunnel…

And then? BAM:

Recurring Theme: Showdown

The rest of the group emerges from the tunnel, and all the troopers have been wiped out, along with IG. They look around furtively for a moment when a TIE comes screaming in: uh oh! It’s the Moff!

They try shooting at him, but of course that doesn’t do much. As they’re anticipating another pass-through, Greef has a suggestion:

He motions at the Baby, WHO THINKS HE’S JUST WAVING AT HIM:

Mando has a better idea: it’s JETPACK TIME!

He flies up there and attaches himself to the TIE. But, as we’ve learned from Previous Content, being attached by cord to a moving object can cause some issues:

Yeah: not good! Mando gets flung around a little bit but eventually manages to pull his way up to the cockpit:

He manages to attach a bomb to the TIE and then sets himself free as Gideon gets the bad news:

Hooray! The day is saved! They watch as the TIE crashes in a spectacular way that of course no one could survive.

Recurring Theme: No One’s Ever Really Gone

The gang reunite:

Mando is congratulated, and Cara suspects they’ve “cleaned up the town” — but she plans to stick around to be sure. Greef is staying here too, because after all, now that the “scum and villainy” is gone, well, it can go back to being Bounty Hunter Party Town. If this guy isn’t friends with Hondo Ohnaka I will eat my hat.

He tells Mando to go off and enjoy himself, and that when he’s ready he can come back and get a job no problem. But a vacation doesn’t seem in the offing for our buddy Din here: for one thing, somebody wants uppies:

And so, Baby says bye-bye to Aunty Cara and Uncle Greef:

And Mando and Baby head off, back to the Razor Crest!

They pay their last respects to Kuiil (RIP BUDDY)…

..the Baby gets a paci…

(My kid has a Baby Yoda toy that comes with this thing and IT IS SO CUTE.)

And this, of course, is the end, because the bad guys are dead and everything’s fine and HA HA HA WHAT MYSTICAL WEAPON WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.

…so, OK: we cut back to the TIE. Some Jawas are starting to scavenge the wreckage. And then something cuts open the side of the ship from the inside. SOMETHING.

Indeed, Moff Gideon is not, in fact, dead, because of course he’s not because no one ever is. And people, when I tell you I screamed, I MEAN IT:

I feel like screaming again. DARKSABER DARKSABER DARKSABER. The most ridiculous weapon in the most ridiculous series, the Darksaber is LITERALLY A BIG REASON I STARTED THIS WEBSITE. Bless you, Favreau, you absolute NERD. I am so excited. Where did Gideon get it? Who will he fight with it? How MUCH will I cry when it’s Bo-Katan and/or Ahsoka? WHY DOES HE WANT THE BABY?

We are on the cusp of finding out more. I hope you’re as excited as I am. I’ll see you all back here to scream about it later, I’m sure. But for now? That’s a wrap for this Monster-Sized Edition of Snark Wars. Thanks for reading! (…GO VOTE, AMERICANS. xoxoxo)

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Recurring Themes and More

Ahsoka Tano Anakin Is The Worst Employee I Swear to God Anakin Loves Ahsoka Anakin Loves Obi-Wan Anakin Loves Padme Anakin Loves Palpatine Anakin Skywalker - Human Lightning Rod Anakin Skywalker and His Life of Bad Choices Asajj Ventress Bad Ideas of the Jedi Bail Organa Beru Whitesun Bo-Katan Kryze Boba Fett Bounty Hunters Cad Bane Carnelion IV Chewbacca Count Dooku Crappy Destiny Crystal Quest Dagobah Darksaber Dark Side Foreshadow Darth Sidious Darth Sidious Makes a Guest Appearance as Himself Darth Vader Darth Vader Screws Himself Over Electrocution Enough of That Old Trauma Let's Start Experiencing Some New Trauma Faked Death Force Vision Quest General Grievous Geonosis Han Solo Holocrons with the Jedi Order's Famous Chili Recipe Hondo Ohnaka I'm More Powerful Than All of You I'm No Jedi I'm Suing This Show For Pain and Suffering I Am a Jedi Jabba the Hutt Jedi Kids Kolara Leia Organa Luke Loves Obi-Wan Luke Skywalker Luke Skywalker's Neverending Personal Destiny Quests Mace Windu Mandalore Martini Drinking Maul More Bummers Brought to You By Anakin Skywalker More Irony Than You Can Shake a Stick At Mortis Mother Pran Mustafar My Ridiculously Circuitous Plan is One-Quarter Complete Obi-Wan's Life is the Worst Obi-Wan and Anakin Need Marriage Counseling Obi-Wan Brings People Together Obi-Wan Digs Hotheads Obi-Wan Earns That Paycheck Obi-Wan Loves Anakin Obi-Wan Loves Luke Obi-Wan McSassypants and the Angry One Oblivious to the Obvious One More Thing For Obi-Wan To Discuss with His Therapist Ostentaciousness Is Our Speciality Owen Lars Padme Amidala Padme Loves Anakin Palpatine Strikes Again Pre Vizsla Qui-Gon Jinn Rex Ridiculous Complexity Sana Starros Satine Kryze Savage Oppress Secret History Reveal Sith Eyes Take Back What Is Ours Tarkin Tatooine The Beginning of the End Again The Dark Side Stole My Boyfriend The Dark Times The Death Watch Is Not A Shitty Band The Jedi Council's Greatest Hits The Unbearable Sadness of Obi-Wan This Show Is Insane Tragic Backstory Tuskens Undercover Why Are You Doing This To Me Filoni Haven't I Suffered Enough Why Knock When You Can Just Badass Your Way In Wistful Sunset Gazing Yoda You Can Kill Pretty Much Anyone Except Maul

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