The Clone Wars, Season 7, Episode 11: Shattered
Happy Star Wars Day, Snark Wars readers! I hope you are all enjoying the Nerd Holiday Season as much as possible despite the ongoing nightmares in the real world and the fact that Star Wars thought it would be cute to air new material concerning the aftermath of Order 66 on this day. It’s like Dave Filoni is a cowboy-hat-wearing Santa, and we’ve somehow all been both very good and very bad this year. (Which if we’re looking at the fandom in aggregate is probably pretty accurate.)
Not to worry! Over here on Snark Wars, we’re going to back up a few days alllll the way to last Friday’s TCW episode, and spend some time with Rex, Ahsoka, part of the 501st…Maul, I guess…it’s gonna be fun times! (Note: author does not guarantee fun times.)
Last time, on Don’t Worry Everyone Anakin’s Totally Got This, Ahsoka and Maul had had a Showdown of epic proportions, which culminated in Maul getting tied up and sedated while he screamed spoilers at everybody. He’d also, at one point, figured he’d go for it and asked Ahsoka to join him, since evidently you lose your Sith license if you are not constantly asking someone to join you, even though said person is someone you have repeatedly tried to kill.
Our girl Snips had seemed open to reading Maul’s brochure — but primarily because she wanted to know why Maul had been hoping to fight Anakin and Obi-Wan instead of her (LOL, no offense to Ahsoka here, but LARGE BET ON TEAM HANDSOME in that scenario. Probably.) Maul’d spilled the beans: he needs to take down Anakin because, you see, Anakin has a Destiny! A Dahhhhhk Destiny! He has been groomed! To take over! As Maul’s Old Master’s Apprentice! GASP.
Because almost nobody has believed Anakin could be evil, up to and sometimes including when he has been very openly evil for over two decades, Ahsoka hadn’t been interested in buying this Obviously Outlandish Story. Yes, truly Our Anakin could never, ever become something so terrible. He wouldn’t hurt the people who love him like that! That’d be nuts.
On that note, Ahsoka: please go join Obi-Wan and Padme over on this sofa, and prepare to be disappointed.
Recurring Theme: …And They All Lived Happily Ever After (At Least for a Few Minutes)
It’s morning on Mandalore now, and Bo-Katan is surveying where things are at: Gar Saxon’s getting trotted off in custody, things have calmed down substantially, and Ahsoka’s on her way to have a final (ha) walk and talk:
With Maul still conked out and tied up in the backseat like a fly in a spiderweb, Ahsoka approaches, and Bo’s impressed:
Ahsoka, still feeling Ways about Things, mumbles that that’s “what the Council wanted”, to which Bo remarks that she’s succeeded where “many” have failed. LOL, JUST SAY OBI-WAN, BO. WE ALL KNOW YOU MOSTLY MEAN OBI-WAN. And also? If he’d thought for a minute that Maul was not only still alive but CAPABLE OF REMAINING SO FOR MANY YEARS AND RETURNING ON ROBOT LEGS when he fell into that abyss on Naboo, Obi-Wan probably would have sent a search party down there.
Ahsoka says she’s learned from the best (AWWW) — including Bo herself. Bo looks introspective, and laments:
She looks out at the wreckage and smoking heaps of rubble on Mandalore now, and Ahsoka tells her that her people “need a new kind of leader”. Bo says, sadly, that her sister already tried that. Yes, Bo, she did: and then some group, WHO CAN EVEN REMEMBER WHO IT WAS, thought it would be a good thing to repeatedly try to murder her for it. And then also thought it would be fun to bring goddamn Maul into the mix. Gee, I bet whoever that was feels like a total asshole.
Recurring Theme: So Close and Yet So Far
Rex approaches them and says he’s got the Old Folks from the Council on the horn. Ahsoka immediately and hopefully inquires:
*sobs*
Rex informs us that the walking dumpster fire was indeed there when he left to get Ahsoka, because of course he was, but of course we all know he’ll be gone already by the time Ahsoka gets over to the phone, because of course he will, because otherwise this all would be ever so slightly less painful and OF COURSE WE CAN’T HAVE THAT:
Recurring Theme: Mace Windu, Deserves None of this Bullshit
Hey, guess what? It’s time for THIS conversation!
Indeed: over on Coruscant, we’re right smack-dab into the thick of Revenge of the Sith now! Obes is over on Utapau being a needlessly hot assassin, and Anakin’s just been sent to go get a read on how the Chancellor’s taking all this news. I know Anakin had become buds with Sheev and all, but LOL FOREVER that they sent Anakin to figure out a thing. Mace should have just sent him out for doughnuts and then made up a story about how naps are the only way to defeat the Dark Side while putting an eye mask on him. It’s a damn shame.
ANYWAYS: yes, Mace is being subjected to reliving this scene. He senses there’s Darkness Afoot! The Chancellor is shady as shit! He and the gang have the chat about how if Sheev won’t step down once Obi-Wan is done sassing Grievous to death…
Mace frowns and is like “that? Is gonna be a fuckton of work WHY IS MY LIFE LIKE THIS” and Yoda, as ever, is uneasy about all of this. And hey! It turns out there is yet MORE misery to be had in this scene, as — at the point where it usually wraps up — Ahsoka walks in with Rex!
Mace is like “so, word on the street is that your mission was a success”, and she affirms that it was. Yoda’s proud:
Ahsoka curtly replies that she was merely pitching in as a regular non-wizard type:
…and like the good little green grandpa he is, Yoda’s wondering when she’s coming home for break: she really, really did it all just as a Concerned Citizen with Superpowers?
Ahsoka isn’t quite ready to move back in yet:
AHHHHH. She was gonna MOVE BACK HOME SOMEDAY, YOU GUYS. And they all think maybe the war is gonna be over soon! She’s probably thinking that once all this War Stuff is over and the Jedi don’t have to be constantly playing soldiers, they can all reassess everything and SHE CAN MAYBE COME BACK AND TAKE CARE OF HER IDIOT DADS AND EVERYTHING. But instead everything is going to be the worst and a huge part of it is Anakin’s fault which means that Anakin has played himself ONCE AGAIN in YET ANOTHER WAY. I hate this.
Yoda looks at Ahsoka thoughtfully, and she says she’s looking to talk to her Angry Dad, if he’s available:
Alas: he’s been sent to Sheev’s Hilarious Office to tell him about Grievous’ impending demise. Ahsoka marvels to herself: the war could be over soon! Mace says that that all depends on the Chancellor. Ahsoka:
At this, Mace hilariously is like OH I AM SORRY, DO YOU WORK HERE? HMM?
I’m not sure what’s funnier: that people got all pearl-clutchy about this bit considering that MACE IS REALLY UNDER NO OBLIGATION TO BE SHARING SHIT LIKE THIS with someone who voluntarily left the damn company, or that OBI-WAN ALREADY TOLD AHSOKA WHAT THE COUNCIL THINKS ABOUT PALPATINE ANYWAYS. Obi-Wan has broken like, ten rules and multiple laws AND indirectly aided in the destruction of — HIS WORDS — a “100-year-old” treaty in this arc and I am extremely entertained. What would even have happened if Anakin hadn’t fucked everything up here? Like, the Chancellor goes to jail or whatever and then the Council is like “OK, so, Obi-Wan, we’re gonna need to talk about the SIEGE OF A NEUTRAL SYSTEM THAT YOU AND ANAKIN SENT REPUBLIC TROOPS TO WITHOUT ASKING ANY OF US?” I am dying. I hope Yoda technically put Obi-Wan on probation while he was out there in the desert. The first order of business in Rey Skywalker’s New Jedi Order is going to be to finally having a hearing to decide if he can come off of it now. I just have no idea how that guy gets such a reputation as this straight-laced Jedi Boy Scout. Is it just the pompous accent? His ability to flirt people into agreeing with whatever? The fact that his closet is probably pristinely organized and color-coded (from “beige” to “slightly less beige”)?
I would have paid extra here for Ahsoka to be like “oh yeah, I forgot: Obi-Wan mentioned you guys all think he’s shady and are having Anakin spy on him” so that Mace could just be like “you know what, people? If you three are just gonna do whatever the hell you want all the time regardless of your employment status, the rule of law, or plain old common sense, then SO AM I. WINDU OUT.”
Recurring Theme: Master Yoda, Just Trying To Help His Kids
AT ANY RATE, Ahsoka looks mildly chastised by this and says that she understands. One by one everyone drops from the holo-Skype, except for Yoda:
*sobs* The worst part is that Yoda’s not gonna get a chance to talk to Anakin EITHER. Everyone in this show is SO SCREWED. SO SCREWED.
Ahsoka hedges for moment, then says:
She smiles ever so slightly, and Yoda nods, throwing this in there before flickering away so that my heart hurts just that much more:
As she makes to leave the room, Rex is like “uhhh so I noticed that you left out the part where Maul told you that Anakin is destined to become Satan’s Pool Boy” and she’s all “I sure did, Rex!” GREAT. Good. Why would anyone need to know about that or anything. I’m sure you can all chit chat about it once all of this terrible war stuff is over.
Recurring Theme: No Jail Can Hold Me
We prepare to do the Wrap-Up on Mandalore (…this time), and here come Bo and Ursa Wren, looking like badasses:
Wouldn’t Sabine be like 2 years old here? Why’d they leave her with a sitter? SHOW ME BABY ‘BINE.
With them, floating in a RIDICULOUS cell/box is Maul, who’s still somewhat sedated and breathing Vaderishly for Totally Coincidental Reasons I am sure. Ahsoka’s like “damn, I bet even Maul can’t get out of that thing”, and Bo proclaims it a “relic of a bygone era”:
I love that RIGHT NOW, God knows where, 23-Year-Old Future Mandalorian/Force-Wielding Maniac Baby Yoda is chilling out in his little blankie. Mandalore isn’t ready for him.
Ahsoka notes:
Hahahaha well YEAH, she wasn’t about to let her hot piece of Jedi get put in one of those contraptions! Bo is like “yeah, she did, this is the last one”. I feel like Obes and Satine would both condone the last of these being used to contain Maul. Even though Revenge Is Not The Jedi Way, etc.
They all say their goodbyes (until Ahsoka and Bo’s inevitable someday team-up with the aforementioned Baby Yoda because let’s be real, we all know it’s gonna happen,) and Ahsoka and the boys head off to Coruscant! And definitely not towards their own impending doom! Ha!
Recurring Theme: Oh Why Star Wars
En route, Maul is seething in his box like an angry baby in a carseat while his Vader breathing intensifies:
He gets carted off into a jail cell to continue looking angry in peace.
Meanwhile, on the bridge of this Not a Star Destroyer, Ahsoka and Rex have a little philosophical chat about all this War Stuff:
*cries* POOR SNIPS. Just think of all the stuff you could have learned from your dads if y’all hadn’t been trapped in war zones this whole time.
Rex replies that the war is a REAL mixed bag for our buddies the clones. On the one hand, they have known nothing BUT war. On the other hand…
Ahsoka takes aim directly at my heart now and smiles:
EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE. ME. Hang on a second. I have to file something.
OK. Good. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s continue. Rex smiles at all of this, and because everything is the worst, he’s now informed that “the latest briefing” has come in. Ahsoka urges him to go:
WHAT ARE YOU BASING THIS ON MS. TANO. WHAT. GOOD NEWS? YOU THINK MORE GOOD NEWS IS COMING? Rex nods and takes his leave, and Ahsoka gets back to staring out the gigantic windows just like her dads taught her.
Your Order Is Complete and Is Now Ready For Pick-Up
At this moment, in his cell, Maul’s Got a Feeling as he tunes into some Evil Frequencies:
Back on the bridge, Ahsoka’s picking up Bad Vibrations, too. AND IT IS THE RUDEST THING EVER:
Yep, Ahsoka makes pretty much the same series of faces I make every time I watch this shit go down. ANAKIN SKYWALKER, I know I have said it before but it is always true: YOU ABSOLUTE DUMBASS.
This all culminates in Anakin’s “What have I done?” (voiced by a mashup of Hayden and Matt’s voices, which was a nice touch,) and Ahsoka is like “ohhhh shit”:
Yeah. HE’S NOT DOING SO GOOD, AHSOKA.
And Rex? Rex is just getting a message from Sheev. No big.
Or, you know, don’t! Just because your brain is being hijacked and all, MUST YOU? Must we be made to witness it again? Do I need to fill out another complaint form already?!
Rex nods and affirms that he will. Ahsoka comes racing in:
LOL, I’m sorry, I know it’s not funny but also Ahsoka and Obi-Wan must have felt like this CONSTANTLY for the next 20 YEARS.
Recurring Theme: Good Soldiers Follow Orders
Rex drops his helmet, and other clones begin to encroach on Ahsoka. He insists:
Noooooo. ANAKIN YOU HELPED MAKE REX TURN ON AHSOKA. Also right now Cody is BLASTING OBI-WAN OFF THE SIDE OF A CLIFF. YOU ARE THE WORST AND I HOPE YOUR FAVORITE SHOW GOT CANCELLED IMMEDIATELY AFTER THIS.
Rex pulls blasters on her, but is juuuuuust barely hanging on long enough to spit something out:
Find who?
FIVES YOU STAR, YOU. Raise a glass once again to Fives: the One Person In Star Wars Who Kinda Figured Something Out One Time. A legend, truly.
A melee ensues now, of course, and once again Ahsoka is NOT HERE TO PLAY:
Clones are firing on her from all directions, and she makes her escape through the ceiling like her Angry Dad taught her:
Rex sends some men out to execute Maul, then announces to the rest that Ahsoka Tano is on board:
Yes, under Order 66 the Republic’s clearing out its Jedi stock, and Everything Must Go:
Recurring Theme: The Masterplan
Ahsoka arrives at Maul’s containment zone just moments before he’s going to be executed, freeing him from confinement with a threat:
He collapses out of his cage, huffing: you survived! Ahsoka has less than zero time for him:
Maul’s like no, no: this isn’t his evil plan, he’s just a fan. He’s not sure what exactly has happened, but…
Ahsoka says, sadly:
At this, Maul is like oh, of course! SHEEV, YA MAGNIFICENT BASTARD:
Can you IMAGINE watching this whole bananapants story in order?! Episode 1, 2, and then all of this series? With NO SPOILERS? I WOULD LOSE MY MIND (more). The level of sheer WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING would be something.
Delightfully, Maul is like well now that THAT’S outta the way:
Ahsoka practically laughs in his face:
…nope, she just needs Maul to make a scene to cause a distraction so she can get away! Hahahaha.
As they slink outof the cell, Maul is like uh, you gonna give me a lightsaber, or….?
Ahsoka giving Maul this level of sass and withering disregard is the ONLY good thing that is gonna happen to Obi-Wan this entire week and he’s not even here to witness it. Using her wits AND dragging Maul AND leveraging this to survive? He’d be so proud. WHEN AM I GOING TO GET THE AHSOKA AND OBI-WAN HUG I DESERVE GODDAMNIT.
Maul makes a face, and the two part ways. Rex tells his men to destroy the escape pods and continue their search for their now-two runaway targets.
Recurring Theme: Droids to the Rescue!
Ahsoka creeps around a storage area with a bunch of droids, and because this is Star Wars they are happy to see her AND totally down to help ruin Ancient Evil’s plans:
With the gang on board, Ahsoka asks R7 to call up the central computer:
She sees some boilerplate stuff: blahblahblah malfunctioning inhibitor chip, investigation was accepted by everyone, definitely wasn’t anything shady going on here…
She asks R7 to pull it up, but the grievance is sealed, so naturally she just uses Anakin’s PIN code (which is, incidentally, the date of the premiere of the Clone Wars movie. Awww.) Nice IT security, Republic! Also I like that Anakin thinks he should be allowed to be a Jedi MASTER when he apparently can’t even be trusted to NOT TELL PEOPLE HIS PASSWORD.
Sure enough, there’s Rex:
…he’s not sure he believes it himself, but there’s a chance that the inhibitor chops the Kaminoans put in the clones….
DUN DUN DUUUUN! Ahsoka looks stricken.
Recurring Theme: Dramatic Hallway Spree-Killing
While Ahsoka tries to parse out What This All Means, Maul is making his way down a hallway good old fashioned Vader Style, tossing people onto the ceiling and flinging shit around and being a menace:
Rex, via comm, orders his men to seal the blast doors so that Maul can’t escape. This culminates in Maul Force-pulling a dude’s arm into a closing door. Yikes.
As Rex attempts to intervene, he’s held off by the Droid Crew, who seal him up into a segment of the hallway:
They motion for him to watch a Very Important PSA from Ahsoka about his possible Brain Hijacking:
He pulls a gun on the droids: where is she? Ahsoka appears behind him, and before he can react, the droids stun-gun him into silence:
With a clear path forward secured by the droids, Ahsoka gives orders for the next step:
I genuinely love that she makes the droids carry Rex. AHSOKA PLEASE, you can for SURE carry one grown man to a med bay while running from an enemy. As if she hasn’t had to haul Obi-Wan AND Anakin’s asses around at least 200 times during the war when they hurt themselves doing something stupid.
Recurring Theme: …And Now a Word from The Force
With the clones in hot pursuit, Ahsoka and the droids hustle Rex into the medbay. Ahsoka tells R7 to scan Rex for his Brain Chip.
At first, they’re not having a whole lot of luck:
…and what’s worse, the clones are right on the other side of the door now, working to force their way in:
With R7 still unable to find Rex’s chip, Ahsoka takes matters literally into her own hands, placing a palm on either side of Rex’s face and saying a little prayer:
He begins to repeat it back with her:
…it sure is! Moments later, success:
Ahsoka orders R7 to give Rex emergency brain surgery, which he will complete AND BE UP AND TALKING in something like 30 seconds from now. This is EXTRA FUNNY in a universe where Anakin was worried about Padme dying in what appeared to be a relatively uneventful childbirth. ANAKIN THEY CAN DO DRIVE-THRU EXPRESS BRAIN SURGERY AROUND HERE, SHE PROBABLY WAS GONNA BE FINE.
While Rex gets his EZ Insta-Brain Surgery (“in and out in 45 seconds or less, or you don’t pay!“), the door starts to give and Ahsoka is at the ready:
Rex groggily starts to come to (YES, ALREADY) as Ahsoka fights wave upon wave of troopers:
She yells to GG to secure the door again, but she’s getting overwhelmed. Moments before the door slams shut, shots are fired at some of the troopers — from behind her!
Awwwww. Ahsoka asks Rex if he’s OK, considering HIS BRAIN WAS JUST OPERATED ON FOUR SECONDS AGO, and he nods:
He apologizes for the whole “tried to kill you earlier” thing, and Ahsoka asks the million-credit question:
You sure you want that answer, Tano? Maybe you should just head home and enroll in classes for the fall and put all this behind you. Rex can crash on your couch now that he’s not taking Killbot Orders from Radio Sheev anymore, too!
…oh, fine. Rex looks at her with dismay: Ahsoka, it’s all of us!
…well, a Happy May the Fourth to you all, too! *cries*
At this, Ahsoka looks Deeply Unsettled as the enormous implications of all of this sink in, and with this Happy Revelation in hand, the door begins to unseal again:
On this very lighthearted note, the episode concludes, with everyone once again going out of their way to blame all of this on George Lucas first and foremost:
I guess I know who the subject of my NEXT complaint form will be. With that, readers, it’s a wrap for today here on Snark Wars! I hope you have a lovely Star Wars Day. I don’t know about you guys, but between this recap and the finale of this series, I could use a drink with a Death Star-shaped ice cube in it myself. Cheers, nerds! Thanks for reading.
