Wild Space, Part X: I’ve Put a Spell On You

The Clone Wars, Book 2: Wild Space [Legends] by Karen Miller, Chapters 15 and 16

Hello readers, and welcome back to Snark Wars! Today, I continue my years-long (GOD) quest to finish recapping Wild Space, a wonderful Legends-era Olde EU Book.

In case you’re new to this content, or you just need a little refresher, let us review some of the things that have for-real actually happened in this book so far:

  • Anakin got fed space grapes in bed like the spoiled princess he is;
  • Obi-Wan strutted around a ship nude after doing hot yoga;
  • We learned that Palpatine used to race speeders because of course he did, EVERYONE IN THIS SERIES HAS I GUESS;
  • Yoda yelled at someone for gossiping, as if the entire fucking Jedi Order doesn’t live for that shit;
  • Padme almost murdered Obi-Wan like 8 times for not loving Anakin loudly enough while also pretty much declaring that she alone can “save” Anakin mostly by making out with him and ignoring his actual problems;
  • Anakin yelled at multiple people for having the audacity to ask him a reasonable question;
  • Obi-Wan, in keeping with his entire Legends and Canon life stories, partially died on every other page;
  • Anakin rushed to Obi-Wan’s bedside, soap-opera style, clutched his hand and basically begged him not to die because Obi-Wan is the only person other than Padme who can stand to be around him;
  • Bail Organa piloted a ship while high on space amphetamines;
  • Palpatine spent every single conversation with every single person he encountered thinking to himself about how great it’s going to be when he murders them;
  • Anakin and Obi-Wan’s public, sweaty, homoerotic foreplay attracted the attention of the entire Jedi Order, who apparently all stopped what they were doing to grab a seat and watch the show (I mean, who among us wouldn’t? They’re SEEKERS, NOT SAINTS, people), which culminated in Anakin almost crying happy tears because Obi-Wan told him he was good, and we all know how Anakin feels about praise.

To my endless amusement, the above bullet points all effectively have almost NOTHING TO DO WITH THE ACTUAL PLOT OF THIS BOOK, which is that someone’s tipped Bail Organa off about an Eeeevil Threat to the Republic lurking out in the titular Wild Space. Oh, now now, everyone: you don’t need to go all the way out to Wild Space to find a ceaseless evil that’s hellbent on destroying democracy! You guys would, and will, be quite surprised, I think, to discover just how close to home Satan can be! But I’m getting ahead of myself. Obi-Wan has begrudgingly agreed to accompany Bail on a mission out to the hilariously-named Zigoola, because Bail was set on going with or without him, because everyone in Star Wars has a death wish and no more than a grand total of four (4) functioning brain cells. The two of them have spent approximately 140 paragraphs arguing about whether or not they should continue this mission, only to end up exactly where they started every time they have this conversation, which makes keeping track of where I am in this book a little challenging.

SO: at the end of the last recap, Bail and Obes had just landed at a space station where Bail’s Top Secret Informant is holed up. Their arrival on this space station was aided by Obi-Wan maneuvering their ship down safely by basically making sweet psychic love to the Force. They’ve now landed, and are about to go check things out on the ground. Away we go!

Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Not a Blaster Fan

They see the bodies of three fallen men as they exit their ship, but are unsure if they’re allies or men who were killed by those defending the space station. Obi-Wan walks over to the dead guys’ weapons and melts them down to puddles with his lightsaber:

LOL. And use a blaster, Organa? GROSS. Surely you jest. Obi-Wan says he did it because they still don’t know whose side those guys were on. I’m…what does this have to do with them stealing their blasters? I don’t know. Apparently Bail does, since he agrees with him.

Recurring Theme: Everyone Wants to Hit That

So Obes is sneaking around and Feeling the Force or whatever, and Bail just starts channeling me and is all like “WOW. Obi-Wan. He’s so amazing??? And beautiful??? AND HE JUST LANDED A SHIP WITH HIS MIND????????” Sigh. I feel ya, Bail. Obi-Wan is distractingly perfect.

Then, after Bail’s done ogling Obi-Wan for the most recent, but not last, time in this book, Obi-Wan asks him if he’s ready to proceed — with the implication, of course, that Danger Lies Ahead. Bail thinks to himself about how he knows how to handle a blaster…but he’s also never taken a shot at an actual living being before in his life! And now he’s possibly about to have to do that! Like right now! He realizes that Obi-Wan’s waiting for his answer, and so he assents: he’s ready.

Obes, bossypants that he is, is like “OK, but remember, you have to do what I tell you to, RIGHT?”

Just Another Day in Obi-Wan’s Wonderful Life

The two creep their way down a hallway, and Bail notices that there’s a trail of blood on the floor, at which he’s mentally like omg omg omg i’m gonna die, and Obi-Wan chides him about calming the hell down because apparently Bail’s broadcasting his fear. Just imagine what Obi-Wan’s life was like before he taught Anakin what little self-control he has now? With Anakin just constantly BLARING out abject terror or whatever into the Force on an hourly basis? I hope the Order had an Amazon Subscribe and Save subscription delivery of Excedrin Migraine set up for him. Come to think of it, I hope they still have it.

Anyways Bail tries to get his shit together, and they reach a door that separates them from this space station’s interior chamber. The door is solid metal, so Obes just places a hand on it and goes back to feeling up the Force again, trying to sense what’s beyond it.

After what feels like forever to Bail, Obi-Wan declares:

Ha! Well, that’s just your average afternoon for ol’ Obi-Wan, isn’t it? I mean, this is the same guy who LITERALLY ALMOST DIED IN A FIERY EXPLOSION LIKE 1.5 DAYS PRIOR TO THIS. What a regular week he’s having!

Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jedi

So they fling themselves into this melee, where there’s droids firing on them and blaster bolts flying this way and that, and some dead guys slumped over, etc etc etc. Bail, ducking behind a desk, spies his Secret Contact — a woman who takes note of him and holds up a comlink to indicate that yes, she’s the one he’s been communicating with.

In the meantime, before any more can come of this revelation, Obi-Wan is being…well, Obi-Wan. Namely, he’s having the time of his life cheating death and kicking ass:

So then there’s a whoooooole big battle in this room, with Bail getting in a few hits on droids and Bad Guys alike, and Obi-Wan is, y’know, being his usual subtle self and like, twirling around in the air and smirking and probably trying to seduce the enemy while killing them. At one point, Bail’s contact takes a hit, just as the battle winds down, leaving Obes to make a proclamation to the last dude standing:

Regrettably, a droid rumbles back to life, getting in a few shots at the guy just as he’s about to surrender, and leaving Obi-Wan to do one last round of robo-execution. He and Bail survey the room: Bail’s contact is still alive, but barely. Obi-Wan instructs Bail to tend to her, while he goes and checks to make sure there aren’t any other morons on this space station who would like to be murdered by him.

Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Interrogator

Bail crouches down beside her, asking if she will at last give him her name:

She tells Bail she’s dying, and Bail is like “oh no don’t be like that, you’ve just been flayed open eight ways from Sunday but I’ve got some Star Wars Band-Aids on my ship”. Obi-Wan returns from having surveyed the area, where he found no other threats.

Bail is like “so she’s pretty hurt, but you can fix it, right?” Obi-Wan says that unfortunately her injuries are too severe for him to heal, at which Bail is like WHAT HOW CAN YOU NOT EVEN TRY??? and just…who started this whole idea that the Jedi are capable of fixing every fucking problem in the entire Galaxy, and that if they don’t it’s just because they’re not doing it out of spite? They’re a bunch of dorky space monks trying to keep their own insane psychic powers under control and keep various systems from doing stupid shit like joining Team Dooku or giving aid to terrorists or Undead MAUL or whatever, and they are TRYING THEIR BEST BUT THEY CANNOT SOLVE EVERYTHING SINGLEHANDEDLY, OK?? I guarantee you this whole “the Jedi can even heal someone who has lost 100% of their blood and whose organs have been smashed into a pulp, they just won’t do it because they’re JERKS” thing was started by Palpatine. No wonder Anakin was like “OK but seriously though just tell me how to resurrect the dead, I READ ONLINE THAT YOU ALL KNOW HOW TO DO IT, IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!”

Anyways, Alinta tells Bail it’s OK, and tells Obi-Wan how to get at the coordinates for Zigoola, which I once again almost forgot they STILL HAVEN’T GOTTEN TO YET.

Bail is fucking PISSED that Obi-Wan has the unmitigated gall to ask a dying woman questions, despite the fact that she WANTS to tell them information — she is literally THEIR INFORMANT — and despite the fact that if they just let her die without asking for any additional information, they’ve more or less gone on this mission for absolutely no benefit except the joy of being almost murdered.

Alinta tells Obi-Wan a little bit more, but she’s fading fast:

Eventually after a bit more of this, she asks Bail to promise to self-destruct the space station console on his way out, to keep her secrets protected. He agrees. She passes away, and Bail gets all huffy and sets out to do as he promised, still annoyed with Obi-Wan for…not being able to fix everything and also for doing his job. Man, everyone is ALWAYS MAD AT OBI-WAN ABOUT THIS. I feel so bad for him.

Recurring Theme: The Galaxy’s Largest Membership

So Bail follows the instructions Alinta gave him, and this happens:

I love that they did this, not entirely knowing what exactly “self-destruct” meant. So now the boys haul ass back to their ship, and this must have been THE slowest self-destruct ever, since by the time the whole thing really goes up, the guys are already back on their ship and watching from a safe distance:

After the space station is completely gone, Bail is all melancholy and Feeling Ways About Things and oh what a surprise, guess who he’s peeved at, AGAIN, STILL:

Then Bail thinks about how he doesn’t want to talk about how he’s now joined the club for People in Star Wars Who Have Mowed Someone Down, which as far as I can tell is a club that includes pretty much EVERYBODY, from teenage girls to tiny, green, 800+-year-old Muppets.

Obi-Wan is like OK FINE, ORGANA: you’re mad at me because I asked a dying person questions in a polite yet urgent manner BECAUSE THEY WERE ABOUT TO DIE; I get it. And you’re unsettled because you aren’t me and therefore haven’t killed like 83 people already in the last 2 weeks, and so the fact that you’ve just killed some people is like, kind of a Thing for you. We don’t have to discuss any of that, but we DO have to talk about something. Would you readers like to guess what it is? Let’s go multiple choice:

A) The simmering sexual tension on this ship;
B) Comparing notes on who all in the Senate and Jedi Order know Padme and Anakin are banging;
C) Did you notice all those Sith artifacts in the Chancellor’s office and if so, don’t you think that’s weird?
D) Should we go to this Sith planet, yes or no?, for the FOUR-TRILLIONTH FUCKING TIME

If you guessed D, you are correct, which is too bad because personally I would have VASTLY preferred they discuss ANY of the other options instead, if for a change of pace if nothing else.

You will all be very surprised, I’m sure, to learn that BAIL VERY MUCH STILL WANTS TO GO TO THIS SITH DEATH PLANET, KENOBI, THANKS. Obi-Wan, yet again, thinks it could be a trap. Obes, I hate to break it to you, but technically during this era of Star Wars, everything is a trap. (*cue Sheev cackling in the distance*)

Yes, Bail is insistent: Alinta gave her life to help him! She wouldn’t lie to him! It’s probably definitely not a trap and anyways, as a guy who hadn’t actually fired a weapon in battle before until 13 minutes ago, clearly he’s equipped to face off against the darkest, most unspeakable evil in the galaxy on 3 hours of sleep.

Obi-Wan is understandably Extremely Tired:

LOL. “Closed his heart” oh FOR FUCK’S SAKE, ORGANA. I give up on this galaxy. I give up! The Jedi cannot win, I swear to God. You know what, Rey? Just close ‘er down. We don’t need a new Jedi Order. Maybe open a little shop that sells pies, or use your Force powers and do tricks at kids’ birthday parties or something, but don’t even bother with the whole “defenders of peace” stuff. I think the galaxy wants to be doomed, so you might as well just let Kylo lean into his evil and take everyone else down with him. Finish what grandpa started, indeed.

Anyways they blahblahblah about this a bit more, and finally Bail is like “Look dude, you KNOW we have to go”:

Ha! Yes, it’d be a shame if they didn’t figure out the deal with the Sith! Boy, how terrible would that be?!

Recurring Theme: Shirtless Nightmare

So the guys are off to Zigoola, again, STILL, and the next chapter opens with Bail just sitting there in the driver’s seat, thinking about Obi-Wan for an extended period of time. Boy, do I know the feeling. But unlike me, his thoughts are less devoted to Obi-Wan’s swooshy hair and general handsomeness than they are to how, despite what Organa sees as his lofty Jedi Attitude, he’s also…kind of amazing? And really good at what he does? And also — refreshing for a politician born into a wealthy and powerful family — totally uninterested in Bail’s connections?

Oh, I dunno, Organa. I’ve met Obi-Wan. There’s probably at least one thing he wants from you. WINK! (Sorry.)

Bail ruminates on his own privilege: a life of fancy homes and servants and all those expensive capes he owns…

You know, Bail is probably right here: Obes isn’t big on empty flattery. But if you think he’s never at least told ANAKIN a flattering lie a few thousand times, I don’t know what Star Wars you’re watching. (That said, maybe at least half of those are things that are true, from Obi-Wan’s extremely biased and besotted point of view.)

He starts to think about how Obi-Wan is maybe right about all politicians except for him (LOL), when all of a sudden this happens:

Yes, Obi-Wan is having a Skywalker-esque Nightmare Dramatics Attack, and, in keeping with this blog’s proud tradition of having zero chill whatsoever, I am going to once again declare this nightmare to be a shirtless one, since the author does not specify. Bail flies over there and is like “wtf”, and Obi-Wan starts clawing at himself, screaming about wanting “them” to get off of him.

Obes snaps out of it, declares it all just a dream, and then more or less curls up into a fetal position, just like everyone does when they are totally fine with everything that’s happening. Not willing to be done dealing with this yet, Dr. Bail goes off and grabs the galaxy’s best medicine. No, not laughter: booze!

Obi-Wan downs it, and then is like “OK so we are done talking about this forever now”, and Bail’s not having it:

Ha! Shockingly, Bail is still not convinced! WEIRD.

Recurring Theme: Qui-Gon Jinn, Questionable Parent

Obi-Wan is like FINE, GOD, OK: I was having a dream about my childhood! Bail’s like “your childhood??” at which Obi-Wan is like YES, I HAD ONE, DUH. Well sure you did, Kenobi! Yours just involved a lot more levitation than most peoples’.

Anyways evidently Obi-Wan had a shirtless nightmare about a time when he went on a field trip and ended up in a pit full of hell-insects because he was overconfident or whatever:

Bail is horrified at all of this, but Obi-Wan’s like “nah it was fine and WE ALL HAD A GOOD LAUGH” while Bail just sort of sits there all O____O .

Noting his discomfort, Obi-Wan is like “THAT’S why I had that dream: overconfidence! I’m putting too much faith in yours! You can’t handle going to a Sith planet WHAT THE HELL ARE WE THINKING, ORGANA?” and I tell you: over here, I yelled out loud, because ARE WE SERIOUSLY GOING TO HAVE THIS DISCUSSION AGAIN, GUYS??????

Yes, yes we are: they go back and forth YET AGAIN about how Bail can’t HANDLE the Sith, and Obi-Wan doesn’t LIKE this plan, and blahblahblah until I am ready to send them both into a sarlaac pit, when Bail is like “what else did you SEE in your nightmare that you’re not telling me?????”

At this, Bail gets in a few more “don’t insult me”‘s, and points out that they’ve come all this way and they can’t just turn around now just because Obi-Wan is rightly terrified that they’re both about to die. He then, kind of weirdly, throws in a thing about making Obi-Wan promise not to mind-trick him and steal his political insider secrets or influence him to do something he doesn’t want to. Seems like he would have thought to call that out before they left for the Galaxy’s Worst Road Trip, but maybe Bail forgot Obi-Wan knew how to do that until just now and realized that after annoying the fuck out of him for days on end, Obi-Wan might be inclined to try it. Obi-Wan gives him his word, and the two of them go back to pouting in their respective corners.

Recurring Theme: Star Wars vs. The Farming Community

Obi-Wan, grumbling internally to himself, worries over the fact that he can still sense nothing about what awaits them on Zigoola. He also thinks about his dream again, and the real-life field trip that it depicted. He thinks about how at the time that he was on this trip with Qui-Gon, he was so very happy to be a Padawan — “no Agricultural Corps for him”! L O L. OK, so while obviously the old “the Jedi send away any failed initiates to a farm community” thing doesn’t really work in actual canon now, and also I kinda hated it for several reasons, IT IS STILL HILARIOUS TO ME. Lest we all forget, for reasons unclear, here in the GFFA, apparently the absolute WORST thing that can happen to anyone is being a farmer. So in the context of every other person being like “EW GROSS YOU’RE JUST A FARMER???”, the idea that the Jedi Order would punish the kids who didn’t make the cut with not only kicking them out, but SENDING THEM TO LIVE ON A FARM, had to have been like the Ultimate Insult. No wonder EU Baby-Wan was so worried about this becoming his fate. (Also, while I’m at it: if this had been the story, and the Order had sent all their almost-but-failed Jedi trainees — many of whom were probably still quite powerful in the Force, and many of whom were probably feeling pretty rejected and vulnerable — to a handful of key locations, wouldn’t this make for like, THE EASIEST PICKINGS FOR THE SITH? “Oh that’s just a place where we sent all the initiates who were too impulsive to be Jedi to go be farmers, the Worst Thing in the Universe, anyways please don’t go find them and sway every single one of them to the Dark Side or anything.” Good Lord! If I’d been some old timey Darth, I’d have just been like “…well, this is a freebie”.)

MOVING ON. Obes keeps thinking about his dream, and What It All Means, and fretting about how he can’t see the Sith Planet, etc etc etc. And then he starts to feel Bad:

Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Will Just Go Ahead and Ignore This Crippling Emotional and/or Physical Pain

They finally — FUCKING FINALLY — arrive at Zigoola. And as Bail turns around to tell Obi-Wan to turn off any electronic devices larger than an iPad and return his seat to an upright position and put his tray table back up so they can get ready to land, he takes one look at him and is like OMG YOU LOOK HORRIBLE ARE YOU SICK???

Obi-Wan, of course, is like “nah I just probably had a series of small strokes or something, it’s nothing”:

Obi-Wan tells him he’s been scanning the Force or whatever to try and detect Sith Life on this planet:

I’m probably just some Yankee rube, but I had to look up “megrim”. Apparently it’s an Old English version of “migraine”. That was a new one for me, so, see? Star Wars is educational.

Obi-Wan, at Bail’s hesitation here, is hilariously like ARE. YOU FUCKING. KIDDING ME? We have been arguing about coming here for what feels like infinity, and NOW you aren’t SURE if we should land? WELL GET SURE, BUDDY, BECAUSE WE ARE GOING.

They Seem To Have an Invisible Touch

So Bail is like “all right all right FINE, but just tell me if you start to feel worse”, and Obi-Wan agrees, and Bail apparently believes him because Bail, like everyone in the galaxy, has absolutely no memory of anything that has happened before now.

They start to make their descent onto the planet, and good news! Their scanners aren’t picking up any life! Huzzah! No Sith here! Bail is just starting to feel some confidence creep up when he hears Obi-Wan say something he can’t understand. He turns around:

Obi-Wan grits out: SITH! Get us out of here! But as Bail makes to turn the ship around and fly away, something yanks him out of the pilot’s seat and throws him against the floor. As he comes to, he sees a surprising sight indeed:

Oh, that Dark Side! It gets everywhere, I swear. Don’t you just hate it when you’ve finally recovered from being the victim of a bombing, and then you get into a gunfight and then you get a migraine and then your body temporarily becomes a vessel for ancient evil? Sigh! When it rains, it pours, amirite?

Bail watches Obi-Wan struggle to free himself from the hold of Dark Side Possession or whatever the fuck is happening right now:

Then, unable to stop what’s happening, both Obi-Wan and Bail brace themselves for their inevitable fiery crash:

Well! That was fun. And that, my friends, is the end of chapter 16, which means it’s the end of today’s recap! Thank you so much for reading, and particular gratitude to those who reached out to ask for more Wild Space. I’m so glad to share Star Wars with all of you. Til next time, dear readers!

Previously

Wild Space, Part IX: Into the Unknown

Next

The next entry in this series hasn’t been published yet.

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