Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge #1 (Marvel, 2019)
I am so very sorry for the gigantic lapse in posting lately, dear readers! It’s been a very busy couple of months for me, and I swore to myself that I was going to get a new post done before we left for Star Wars Celebration this year and then it just…didn’t happen. And then I got very, very distracted catching up from being at Celebration and also reading batshit crazy theories about SIDIOUS’ CRAZY ASS BEING BACK IN THE SEQUEL TRILOGY for a while (which, oh my God, me yelling about this should be its own entry here), and now here we are. At any rate, I thank you all for your patience.
Today we have a light and fluffy and corporate-synergy-filled outing in store for us, as Disney’s begun cranking out tie-in novels and comics related to the forthcoming Theme Park Bonanza known as Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge.
I’ll get it out of the way right off the bat that I am a lifelong Disney Parks nerd, and I say that with full awareness of what an absolutely cynical cash grab the experience is sometimes. I can’t help my enthusiasm here: I have been waiting for them to make a Star Wars Land since I was like 10 years old, and so even though I know that there are going to (continue to) be a lot of overpriced meals and pointless souvenir purchases in my future, well, I’m not about to sit here and tell you all that I don’t already have my inaugural Galaxy’s Edge trip planned. Because I absolutely do. (Look people, if you thought I was just going to sit here and NOT make plans to go see Robotic Hondo Ohnaka with my own two eyes, you clearly have not been reading my blog carefully.)
OK! So! Yes, we’re going to Batuu today, a planet that is the setting for the theme park, which means it surely is the planet in the GFFA with the highest fiberglass content and the most well-marked restrooms, for one thing. It was, I believe, first featured (or at least most extensively featured thus far) in Timothy Zahn’s Thrawn: Alliances book, a book which cracked me up for many reasons, not least of all because I kept thinking in the back of my head that it is effectively about Thrawn and Darth Vader solving a mystery together in Disneyland. I mean, I’m sorry, I know it makes me a sellout and all, but I COULD NOT HELP BUT BE ENTERTAINED BY THIS. What a world we live in! Hondo robots! Darth Vader walking around on cruise ships! A CANON NOVEL ABOUT THRAWN AND DARTH VADER GOING TO DISNEYLAND.
All right, all right, I swear I am going to actually start this recap at some point: so, Batuu. It’s a planet on the veeeeeeerrrrrry distant edges of space, and one time Padme went there to Investigate something her friend found, and then Anakin showed up because (of course) he was worried about Padme, and also because Anakin sure seems to be able to get away with just blowing off his day job and disappearing into the wild blue yonder a lot for someone who was omg so held back by the Jedi Order, AHEM. Then, many years later, as I mentioned before, Thrawn and Vader hilariously got sent there on a snark-filled field trip by Sidious to look into some kind of Dark Side Threat From the Beyond or whatever, which may or may not be coming back to haunt us all in future content, and, knowing this franchise, is probably something hilarious and idiotic like Sidious’ Long-Lost Twin.
But today, we’re not spending time with any of those people — no, apparently in order to ensure that every character gets a chance to visit the Happiest Place on Earth, today it’s our very own Doofus King of Smugglertown, Han Solo, who will be slapping on a pair of mouse ears in the tie-in comic Galaxy’s Edge #1. The cover asks us the question: has Han Solo walked into the biggest job of his career…or the biggest trap of his life? As someone who can’t seem to stop spending money at Disney World, Solo, let me assure you right now: it’s the latter. Definitely. Make sure y’all meet the minimum height requirement, and remember to keep your hands, arms, feet and legs inside the vehicle at all times. For the comfort of others, no smoking please. Here we go!
That’ll Be One Quick Service Dining Credit, Please
LOL. Literally the first thing in this comic is a droid offering a character Star Wars-themed food, which they are going to serve for real at this theme park. SUBTLE, MICKEY. VERY SUBTLE.
Oh ho, but it gets better! He decides to decline this “ronto wrap” in favor of melioorun juice. If only there were a way I, the consumer, could enjoy both!
…again: subtle! (Also, that apparent “turkey jerky” looks like a wall of flame. I thought the table was on fire when I first looked at this picture.)
So anyways, they make to use their Disney dining plan snack credits or whatever, but before they can chow down, an eeeeevil bad guy ship shows up menacingly above, complete with stormtroopers and Some Guy who proclaims that he’s going start shit here on Batuu.
Oh good! The First Order is here! Is…? Oh God. This recap is going to be the first Sequel-Era content I’ve ever touched isn’t it? LOL: finally getting around to something set post-Return of the Jedi, and of all things, it’s this. Anyways, yes: the First Order’s here, because this comic is going to flip-flop between the Sequel Era and what I’m guessing is like just-pre-Original Trilogy era, since Han’s wearing his original getup on the cover. (Although as far as I can tell from what we’ve been shown, other than Luke, Leia and Padme, no one else in the entire galaxy owns more than like 3 outfits, max, so I guess I can’t really base anything off of Han’s fashion choices.)
Annual Passholders Get 20% Off
We cut to Some Other Guy, named Remex, who’s being chastised for being late by some Other Randoms I Don’t Know. Why?
Dok-Ondar! He sure sounds interesting! I do hope he has, say, a store I could make purchases at in the real world, thus recreating this Very Special Star Wars Experience for myself! Wouldn’t that be magical!
OK, fine, Disney! You’ve thought of everything. (I’m dying that this in-universe Mysterious Store of Weird Things is going to apparently carry Vinylmation figures and MagicBands, among other things, in its real-world incarnation. Does this mean MagicBands are now canon?) ANYWAYS: This crew of Randoms heads over to “Dok-Ondar’s Den of Antiquities”, and the Ithorian himself is a little miffed at being kept waiting:
…frankly, I’m a little surprised it’s taken us like three whole pages to get dumped off into a gift shop! The group have a little back and forth with this dude, and then when Kendoh says that they’ve heard Dok-Ondar “procures the unprocurable”, he reveals that he’s got something very interesting in stock:
He sets up our imminent Flashback Sequence here with the promise that he “always gets what he wants”. Oh, sure: just like everyone in Star Wars! (Except, you know, for basically everyone.)
Han Solo, Already So Very Tired
As we all know, everyone in Star Wars has a terrible life and almost nothing good happens to anybody ever. That said, everyone seems to fall into one of two categories about it: people who are generally Already So Very Tired and Done But Are Going to Keep Going To the Bitter End, even before the worst has hit them (Han, Mace Windu, Obi-Wan, for example,) and people who are like You’ve Just Gotta Keep on Plugging Along, Guys! For Hope and Democracy! The Sun’ll Come Out, Tomorrow! before their inevitable crash and burn into a pit of utter despair (Luke, Padme, probably Rey because you all know that some Sequel-Sequel Trilogy is going to come along to ruin her life eventually somehow, no matter how much she saves the day in Episode 9.) Han? Has not even met the Skywalkers yet, and he spends this entire issue being like “GOD FUCK THIS” even while continuing to participate in the madness.
So the comic flashes back in time to when the Alien from the Disneyland Gift Shop sent Han on a mission to get some baby sarlaacs. (And let me tell you, I know I’ve said this a lot in the years I’ve run this blog, but really: I am delighted to have had a reason to write that sentence just now.)
Apparently sarlaacs are like, a huge moneymaker? Which, you know, seems a little weird because, uh, adult sarlaacs are enormous? Are there seriously so many people in the galaxy who have a spare 15,000 acres to fill with hideous man-eating monsters (and WANT TO DO SO) that it’s a lucrative trade? OK, Star Wars. As usual, you’re the boss.
Recurring Theme: The Falcon Can’t Get No Respect
Han and Chewie arrive at their destination and naturally one of the first two people they see after landing is like “LOL wow your ship sucks”. Ha! The Millennium Falcon, ladies and gentlemen and nonbinary friends: carrying on its proud tradition of being ceaselessly mocked.
Ah, but one of the folks on hand to welcome Han and Chewie, Blue Hair Guy, is a fan!
LOL. I really hope Han’s will stipulated that every obituary that ran about him included the 12-parsecs bit IN THE TITLE. It’s probably on his tombstone or something.
They blahblahblah a bit more, and these two tour guides of theirs claim to be taking them to see this “doctor” that Han’s been sent to find. Of course, since Han is one of our heroes here, this means that these people are, in fact, leading him to his doom — oh, they’ll show him where the “doctor” is: a giant sarlaac pit!
Han looks down and declares that he can’t really see the appeal of these creatures, and that’s when this happens:
Recurring Theme: No One Is Paid Their Market Value
So Han’s stuck scrambling around down by all these sarlaacs, and the bad guys start shocking Chewie with an electrostaff. I’m dying that so much insane shit has already happened to these two and WE’RE NOT EVEN AT THE PART WHERE THEY MEET ACTUAL SPACE WIZARDS YET.
Han, understandably, laments:
Pretty much no one is around here, Solo. Obi-Wan wasn’t exactly living in the lap of luxury, for one. Oh sure, Obes got a new outfit once while in hiding, but that was because his old outfit was covered in char marks from that time his husband tried to murder him near a lava river. And also his new outfit probably smelled like banthas. And I sincerely doubt Luke was cashing fat checks while running Master Skywalker’s Academy For Traitorous Brats, for another thing.
Blue Hair Dude yells down to Han that he really IS an admirer, buuuuuut he’s gonna have to steal the Falcon and make off with these sarlaacs and get off this planet and make that sweet sweet sarlaac cash. There’s some more fighting, and at one point one of the other Bad Dudes falls into the pit with Han, and then…
Han Solo, Didn’t Do the Reading
Yikes! So Han’s like “uhhh I didn’t think sarlaacs could move????”
…to this question, Han explains that he, uh, “skimmed” them. Whoops! Blue Hair Dude says his goodbyes and heads for the Falcon, leaving Han to his fate.
Han ends up fighting off a baby sarlaac with a stick he finds next to the dead body of the doctor he came here to see in the first place (grim!), and Chewie proves his awesomeness again by fighting off being electrocuted and throwing yet another bad guy into the pit:
There’s yet MORE fighting, and Han is STILL fending off sarlaacs, and at one point he says this:
HAHAHA, man, am I sad that Anakin had to poison this father/son-in-law relationship from the get-go by trying to murder everyone Han loved all those times. I really think they could have been good friends. I am, for one thing, CERTAIN that Anakin Skywalker uttered this exact phrase at one point in his life.
Looks Like We’re Gonna Need a Multi-Day Pass
Han pole-vaults his way out of the pit, Chewie gets back onto the Falcon, and Han manages to not get eaten. He stands there awaiting his pick-up, and Blue Hair Dude is seen dangling from the Falcon:
Hilariously, we don’t see what the final outcome was for the bad guy here. Did Han and Chewie literally fly all the way back to Batuu with this guy dangling from their bumper? Holy crap!
Back on Batuu at the Dok-Whatever’s Magical Gift Shop, Han is pointing out that they went through some BULLSHIT getting the one sarlaac they managed to bring back. Dok-Disney is annoyed that they didn’t bring more, for the price he’s paying them, to which Han bold-faced lies to him and says there was only one there.
This story apparently having concluded, we flash forward in time now to our original group, who seem unimpressed with the sarlaac on offer here: they’re looking for something more exotic, and ask Dok to take a look at something:
In response to whatever it is they showed him, he is like UM HELL NO, I HAVE MY LIMITS THANKS:
The group leaves the store, mysteriously noting that Dok “took the bait” (DUN DUN DUUUUUN!) here. Back inside the store, Dok is asked about this mysterious product request he got:
…LOL. OK, so, just to be clear, the entire story about Han and the sarlaac was apparently pointless, since no one appears to want a sarlaac nor be interested in Han Solo’s efforts to obtain said sarlaac. I mean, I know it’s only the first entry in this series, so maybe its relevance will emerge later. Or maybe this whole series will just be people stopping by this gift shop, and Dok telling another story about another crazy errand he sent Han Solo out on before Dok throws them out.
At any rate, with Dok’s ominous proclamation here, we see a “CLICK” and what appears to be a lens of some type focusing on Dok. Gasp! Intrigue! But, alas, that’ll have to wait for another day — this issue’s over, and so’s our day here at Galaxy’s Edge! Gather your personal belongings, and watch your head and step as you exit, readers! I’ll see you next time!