The Clone Wars, Season 1, Episode 11: Dooku Captured
It’s been a while since I’ve posted a TCW recap! I feel terrible about having neglected the show to which this site owes its existence. So, hopefully I can help rectify that a bit and give you guys a little treat today in the form of today’s recap, which is the very first recap I’ve done from TCW’s very first season. It’s a truly entertaining episode that involves so many things that seem almost tailor-made for Snark Wars: Hondo being a sneaky swindler, Obi-Wan and Anakin sassing each other and everyone around them to within an inch of their lives, and a truly delightful series of events that culminates with our boys getting tanked while hanging out with a bunch of pirates. (Again: Obi-Wan really should have elaborated more about the Wacky Adventures he had with Anakin when he had that chat with Luke on Tatooine.)
This episode is part of a bigger arc, but I’m covering this one specifically because Hilarity demands it, so we’re joining things in-progress. Let’s kick things off, then, with the moral from this episode, which is “the winding path to peace is always a worthy one, regardless of how many turns it takes“. OK, Star Wars, that is all well and good, but given what’s been going down in the Sequel Trilogy I’m just going to say that THIS HAS SURE BEEN A LONGASS WINDING ROAD.
Voiceover Recap Guy, whom I’ve sorely missed talking about, informs us that the Jedi have actually gotten something done for once maybe! They’ve tracked down Count Dooku! Anakin went to go take him into custody! Anakin never came back from his mission! Guess who’s gonna go look for him?
I love that the narrator here refers to Anakin as Obi-Wan’s “friend”, which given the story seems like SUCH an amusing understatement. Anakin is a lot of things to Obi-Wan.
Their convoluted relationship notwithstanding, Obi-Wan’s off to go check out Anakin’s last known location — a Separatist frigate in the Outer Rim. He puts on a cute little spacesuit and takes off.
Obi-Wan Kenobi, Here To Pick Up His Boyfriend So He Can Give Him Shit For The Entire Rest of This Episode
Obi-Wan sneaks in and does some cutesy dashing through the hallways in his little knight getup that I will never ever be over because LOOK AT HIM HE LOOKS HILARIOUSLY HANDSOME, and he gets to some sort of detention block.
He opens one door, and upon seeing the prisoners inside, pulls this asshole move:
God, he is my favorite.
He moseys his way into another cell and a shadowy creature comes flying at him from the ceiling:
Ah, comedy! Obi-Wan nearly attacked Anakin! It’s always so FUNNY when this happens because OBVIOUSLY THEY WOULD NEVER ACTUALLY FIGHT EACH OTHER THAT WOULD BE BANANAS. *sobs*
Anakin Skywalker, Learned From The Best
Anakin is like “oh, it’s just you” and WHATEVER, Anakin, as if you weren’t like “eeeeee” when this guy showed up. Better still is that Obi-Wan proceeds to say this:
I’m not sure what to even do with this. One, I cannot believe Obi-Wan has the balls to complain about how someone failed to thank him for rescuing him, given that Obi-Wan has NEVER BEEN GRATEFUL TO BE RESCUED IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE. Two, the fact that the writers gave me Obi-Wan winkingly wondering if Anakin pouncing on him would be his thank-you just seems like a deliberate attempt to bait me, and I for one am scandalized and refuse to sully this very highbrow recap with any more of this talk. Hmmph.
Anakin replies that said pouncing would be difficult to do without his lightsaber. OK, show, that is enough.
Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Lovable Asshole
ANYWAYS. Obi-Wan gives Anakin his lightsaber back, and asks Anakin if he found Dooku before being captured. Anakin says he knows Dooku’s on board, but he wasn’t able to do much without a weapon. Obi-Wan explains that he needed to be unarmed so his capture would be convincing. So, so many of their plans involve someone getting taken prisoner.
Anakin complains: how come HE’S the one who always has to get captured? It’s making him look bad. To who? The Jedi? The universe at large? Are there blogs mocking him for being That Stupid Jedi Who Always Gets Taken Prisoner? Is he getting roasted for this on the GFFA Late Night Talk Shows? Obi-Wan, who is apparently in Full-On Sassmaster Mode in this episode, smirks that when Anakin is a Jedi Master, HE can make the plans. Ouch! Don’t worry Anakin, I’m sure THAT’LL HAPPEN REAL SOON.
Anakin laments:
OK, Anakin? Would you PLEASE calm the fuck down about getting a promotion? He got Knighted way earlier than a lot of Jedi historically had. Isn’t Anakin like 21 years old here? Obi-Wan was still a padawan at his age! What the hell ever, Anakin.
Obi-Wan has nothing to offer in return but more sass, God bless him:
Count Dooku, Bringing Up A Valid Question
They walk down the hall and open a door to reveal Dooku, wearing his jammies and just chilling out and meditating. I love everyone in Star Wars so much.
He cracks an eye open: ah, Obi-Wan:
Sure. Unpleasant. Whatever.
He points out that it looks like Ol’ Obes Kenobes has come to the Fair Young Anakin’s aid once again. Dooku then forces us all to ponder a very important question indeed:
*raises hand enthusiastically* Hey, I can take a stab at what the answer to that question might be, sir!
…I’m sorry. Too much? Probably too much. IT’S TRUE THOUGH. THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS TO ANAKIN WHEN OBI-WAN IS NOT THERE TO SAVE HIM.
Recurring Theme: Every Single Thing In Star Wars Is Ridiculous
Some battle droids announce to the Count that a Jedi cruiser is attacking, and Ahsoka and Rex plan their approach.
…that seems like a solid enough plan, guys!
At this sign of their buddies’ arrival, Anakin makes some bold pronouncements at Dooku, something he really seems to be into. LOL. LOOK AT THESE TWO.
Dooku follows this up by escaping through a trap door in the floor, because this show is a joy:
…and Obi-Wan says this in reaction:
WHAT?! He should have ASSUMED Dooku was going to ESCAPE THROUGH A SECRET HOLE IN THE FLOOR? This really just goes to show you how insane this galaxy is all the time that Obi-Wan, now in his 30s, just EXPECTS people to pull stuff like this. I cannot even begin to imagine what my life would have to be like before I’d just EXPECT people to flee from my presence this way.
Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, Looking For a Dramatic Way To Do Something
Not to be outdone, Anakin makes to jump down Dooku’s Escape Slide (yes, there’s a TWISTY TUNNEL that Dooku’s made his break through,) and Obi-Wan tries to stop him before Anakin just decides he’s gonna do it anyway. Who saw that coming.
Hey, you said it, not me, Kenobes.
Anakin and Dooku have a truly entertaining slide journey:
…all of this culminates with Dooku getting away and Team Handsome jumping into a ship and taking off after him. Just to summarize: the boys have not done anything useful in this entire episode yet, Anakin went down a big slide with Count Dooku, and Much Sass Has Been Sassed.
Obi-Wan bitches as Anakin arrives in the ship that he thought Anakin was following Dooku:
Oh my God, you guys. Give it a rest. (It only gets worse from here.)
Obi-Wan gets a message into Ahsoka:
The Kenobi-Skywalkers, Really Need To Sort Through Some Feelings
So they’re chasing Dooku, and Obi-Wan lands a shot on Dooku’s solar sailer and OH MY GOD KENOBI WTF IS YOUR DEAL IN THIS EPISODE. He is such an ass in this one, you guys, hahahahaha.
But Anakin, as usual, is not about to let Obi-Wan be the only pain in the ass, and so TCW favors us with a sequence where their ship gets SHOT DOWN AND CRASH-LANDS AND THESE TWO IDIOTS SPEND THE ENTIRE DESCENT BITCHING AT EACH OTHER.
Oh my God, just go make out or get some counseling or new jobs or SOMETHING already, you guys. You know, a lot of speculation has ensued about why Luke Skywalker is potentially on his own out there on Planet Ireland by Episode 7. Having recapped what feels like 98 billion hours of Obikin Bitchery at this point, I think I have a pretty good idea of why Luke has chosen not to continue hanging out with the Force Ghosts. No wonder he’s soured on the Jedi so much.
The boys get out of their ship, and Obi-Wan gets in one last totally unnecessary dig about Anakin’s piloting here (THE DUDE DID JUST SAVE YOUR LIFE BUT OK), and they go to inspect Dooku’s ship. It had a homing beacon on it, which Anakin blasts off with his lightsaber, and they head off towards some caves to go look for the missing Count.
Recurring Theme: Let’s Go Into a Weirdass Cave
Oh hey! A CAVE! About 50% of Star Wars takes place in one, as I’ve learned from writing this blog, so I am not surprised that we’re in one yet again.
The Team wanders a bit before narrowly missing a barrage of rocks that fall down from the ceiling and Obi-Wan yells for them to run:
After the avalanche, Dooku appears and oh, look who’s lost his lightsaber AGAIN:
Dooku takes possession of Anakin’s lightsaber in extraordinarily dramatic fashion, and heads out, sealing the cave behind him AND letting his cloak fly around in the wind as he walks away. Yes, this guy is DEFINITELY part of Obi-Wan and Anakin’s Jedi lineage.
Recurring Theme: Everything In Star Wars Is Better With Hondo Ohnaka
Dooku gets back to his ship, but as he approaches it, he hears some rabble. Uh oh, looks like some pirates have rolled up and are digging through his stuff:
Of course, this means that there can be only one person about to arrive on the scene: who could it be?
Ah yes, my good friends, it’s our pal Hondo Ohnaka. I do not have to tell anyone who is familiar with the Star Wars animated canon that Hondo is a damn delight. Clearly what this episode needed was him.
Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan and Anakin, The Cause of Your Author’s Death
Back in the Cave of Dorks, Anakin superheroically lifts a bunch of boulders off of himself and immediately flies into a panic in search of Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan, dusting himself off nonchalantly, saunters over, and is not exactly touched by Anakin’s obvious love for him:
Again: WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR DEAL TODAY, KENOBES. Bad hair day yesterday? Angry because you’ve realized what a total garbage fire your life is going to be? Anakin is genuinely worried about him here, and his reaction is to just immediately be like:
You know what, Kenobi? You’re gonna miss him when he’s gone, OK? And I bet you’re gonna remember this episode and it’s gonna make you cry into your snake stew that you didn’t just embrace him instead of bitching about his FUCKING LIGHTSABER. AGAIN. WHICH IS SITTING IN A TRUNK IN YOUR LIVING ROOM. AND IT’S THE ONLY PHYSICAL CONNECTION TO ANAKIN THAT YOU HAVE LEFT NOW. YOU’RE WELCOME, OBES.
Anakin explains that the rocks that just nearly crushed him to death must be the root cause of his missing lightsaber. Obi-Wan is assholishly not impressed:
A feeble excuse? Excuse me?! In what Force-forsaken universe is “a bunch of BOULDERS JUST FELL ON MY PERSON” a FEEBLE EXCUSE FOR LOSING A SMALL ITEM? DEAR LORD.
Anakin gripes that he knows it must be around here somewhere, and asks Obi-Wan to stop being an asshole and give him some light to help him look.
And OH GEE GUESS WHOSE LIGHTSABER IS BROKEN.
I do wonder what happened to it! Wanna take a guess, Anakin?
ANAKIN THREW A ROCK AT HIM WHILE HE SAID THIS. OH MY GOD. These two are honestly going to KILL ME TODAY.
Obi-Wan opens his mouth to BITCH AT ANAKIN AGAIN but we are mercifully spared as a cartoon monster jumps down from the rafters to attack them.
Hondo Ohnaka, Not In It For Your Revolution
Hondo is like “sweet ride, dude, you must be loaded”, and explains to Dooku that he’ll help him get to nearby Florrum — more “civilized” than Vanqor, where they are now — for a fee.
Dooku, subtly hiding his lightsaber, agrees.
The pirates take their Fancy Sith Lord Cargo and head off.
Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, Gundark Wrangler
Back over in Idiotville, Anakin’s working on keeping the gundark that’s chasing them occupied.
Recall that Anakin has no weapon, so this involves him pretty much just RUNNING AROUND IN CIRCLES AS IT CHASES HIM AND OBI-WAN WATCHES, LAUGHING.
Anakin yells: he thought gundarks were only on Vanqor! Obi-Wan counters: well, then that must be where they are. Helpful!
Things That Are Amazing About This:
- Obi-Wan and Anakin have then obviously already been here before, because we all know that there was that whole “nest of gundarks” thing that they flirtatiously recalled during one of their romantic elevator dates:
- As you will remember, back in Attack of the Clones Anakin notes that it was OBI-WAN who fell into the nest of gundarks, and that Anakin had to come save him. Obi-Wan even owns up to this.
- This makes the fact that Obi-Wan is now basically sitting back, laughing his ass off and taking his sweet-ass time fixing his lightsaber while Anakin gets chased by this thing EVEN MORE OF A DICK MOVE. Poor Anakin.
So finally Obi-Wan starts helping Anakin and the two of them hurl some rocks at the thing until it’s knocked out. Then they are totally done with their banter for this entire episode. I am lying, of course:
Hondo Ohnaka, Savvy Shopper
Hondo and his crew arrive on Florrum with Dooku in tow, and as they arrive Dooku learns something:
Ah, yes! Hondo might be ridiculous but he’s possibly smarter, on average, than most people in Star Wars. He’s figured out he’s got a high-value hostage here.
Dooku is like PFFT I am a Sith Lord, dude, I can kick your ass! Hondo spits back:
…maybe the Republic will pay even MORE for him than the Seppies would, too!
Recurring Theme: Anakin Loves Obi-Wan
Things are not going so well in the Cave of What I Assume Is Sexually Frustrated Complaining. First, as they attempt to dig their way out of the cave, they hear yet another gundark in the distance:
THEN, Obi-Wan flings a rock down on the ground and opens up a pocket of poison gas, which starts filling the confined space:
The situation deteriorates quickly, as Obi-Wan is tragically rendered unable to say any more bitchy things due to loss of oxygen:
Anakin, barely able to breathe himself, uses what are nearly his LAST WORDS to say this:
...Don’t give up now! He pleads. You know what? I know Obi-Wan’s being a dick in this episode, but I sort of like that Anakin is still like NOOOO OBI-WAN I LOVE YOOOOU. I mean, that’s true love for you, right? Sometimes you still love someone even though they’re being an asshole that day. Star Wars is full of important lessons about things.
Ahsoka Tano, The Daughter Her Dads Don’t Deserve
Suddenly, just when things look hopeless, the rocks part and an opening appears, releasing the gas and giving the boys a way out. Guess who saved the day!
Just in case you we were worried that Anakin might have actually learned something from getting dragged and underappreciated by his Master all morning, fear not: he now proceeds to be like “pfft, whatever, Ahsoka, and also we didn’t even really need you” while sharing a smug little tee-hee smirk with Obi-Wan. OMG. ANAKIN.
My little Padawan? SKYWALKER ARE YOU SERIOUS WITH THIS BULLSHIT. Oh my God, look at Kenobi’s FACE you guys. Anakin’s used up my sympathy now. These two assholes deserve each other.
Ahsoka, of course, is not an idiot, so she just calmly points out how full of shit they both are and I love her and oh this Jedi family is so very much my fave:
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD KENOBI
Anakin acknowledges that Dooku’s still out there in need of getting captured as per the episode title. Ahsoka is wholly unimpressed:
Anakin fumbles around trying to come up with a way to explain this that doesn’t make them look like they literally have done nothing so far except argue and almost die, and asks Kenobi for an assist while Ahsoka throws them both the best faces I have ever seen:
Obi-Wan graciously chimes in to help his former padawan save face in front of his own student. Just kidding, he just keeps being a dick:
OH MY FUCKING GOD. Take a NAP or go get laid or something, Kenobi, JESUS CHRIST. WHY ARE YOU BEING LIKE THIS.
Hondo Ohnaka, Sith Salesman
We’re in Palpatine’s office now, and Hondo is holo-Skyping in to tell him that he’ll totally give him Dooku, for a million credits in spice.
Palpatine huffs that the hologram could be faked, and hedges on paying for Dooku. Hondo then entertainingly says he COULD just go to the Separatists and have THEM pay for Dooku instead. So, either way Palpatine’s gonna be footing the bill, huh?
Padme insists that they send Team Handsome to go confirm that Hondo and his guys actually have Dooku in their possession, so that they can move forward with the ransom.
Amusingly, at Padme’s insistence that they send “two Jedi”, Mace and Yoda exchange these glances of like “gee, I wonder WHO she could have in mind.”
Recurring Theme: We Insist You Risk Your Lives For This Nonsense
The boys, flanked by Ahsoka and Rex, get their marching orders from Mace. They’re…not super into the fact that Hondo demanded that they arrive unarmed.
I love that Mace has exactly zero reassurances that they’ll be OK here. He’s basically just like WELP HAVE FUN BYE. Being a Jedi sucks.
Hondo Ohnaka, Party Host
So the boys go to Florrum and they get wanded by the pirates when they arrive, and head over into some kind of Pirate Saloon, where they find Hondo in all his hilarious glory:
He offers The Team a drink, and shockingly KENOBI declines while Anakin looks on in disgust at what’s been offered to them.
Hondo brags effusively about his men taking custody of Count Dooku — a Sith Lord, no less! — and explains that he did try to put up a fight but it was all cool:
THAT GLOWY THING. God, I want Hondo to guest author a Snark Wars recap for me.
Anakin spots his lightsaber and tries to retake ownership of it:
Obi-Wan explains that they don’t want to fight, they just want to eyeball the old Count and make sure he’s really here.
Anakin and Obi-Wan, Trash-Talkers
They get escorted down a hallway and arrive at Dooku’s holding cell. There, they proceed to let loose with a barrage of snotty comments at Dooku’s expense. GUYS, YOU CANNOT JUST SASS HIM TO DEATH.
Dooku shoots back: you were just in a cell like this 5 minutes ago, Skywalker. Anakin’s comeback is…uncreative.
Ooooooh, you told him!
Dooku warns them that the pirates are absolutely not going to let them just go home after this. Neither member of Team Handsome seems concerned and Kenobi lands a MUCH more solid burn on the Count than Anakin did:
As they leave, Dooku throws this out there:
I would like to note that Dooku gives both of them warnings that turn out to have been actual advice on MULTIPLE OCCASIONS in the canon. He’s pretty helpful for an evil guy.
Back on the Twilight, the boys holo-Skype over to Palpatine that it’s definitely Dooku they have over here: he’s in a cell…
So, Team Handsome having apparently actually completed a mission as planned (LOL, not really, they’re still going to fuck it up but we haven’t gotten there yet,) the Republic’s gonna send a couple of Senators over to go drop off the cash to bail Dooku out of Pirate Jail.
[Scene Missing] [Possibly Also Someone’s Pants At Some Point]
The guys start to wrap things up, and Obi-Wan notes that he’s STILL a little bit wary of these pirates. They get welcomed into the pirate hall again to “celebrate” their successful business deal. As they sit down, this ridiculous show gifts all of us with a scene of These Two sitting at a bar watching someone table dance.
I literally cannot believe this show exists, but I am so incredibly glad that it does. I AM NOT SURE WHICH OF THEIR FACES IS BETTER.
Hondo insists that they join him for a drink, and oh, just twist Obi-Wan’s arm, they agree:
Naturally, we see the pirates poisoning their drinks a moment later. And importantly, I need you all to know that as the boys join the pirates for a toast, they swap out their drinks with the guys next to them.
The two of them get to chatting now. Anakin’s perplexed as to how a bunch of crappy pirates could best the guy who chopped off his goddamn arm?
Obi-Wan blathers on smugly about how maybe this is some sort of lesson about being humble or whatever I don’t even know. Anakin is not on board:
STORY OF ANAKIN’S LIFE RIGHT HERE
With that, the two toast their Job Well Done:
…so remember how I mentioned that they swapped drinks with the pirates before? Yes, we do indeed see said pirates passed out next to them as the episode ends. INCREDIBLY, the very next episode of this show is going to open with the boys waking up next to each other in the morning in a cell, not recalling how they got taken prisoner, which Obi-Wan is going to CLAIM IS BECAUSE THEY GOT DRUGGED. SURE. RIGHT, KENOBES.
Look, I’m not saying that there are some interesting scenes that are, uh, conveniently missing from this show’s recounting of the evening’s festivities, but…I am absolutely saying that. But I’m getting ahead of myself — that’s a rant for the next recap, I suppose! I’ll see you all then. Thanks for reading!
