The Clone Wars, Season 4, Episode 13: Escape from Kadavo
This is the third episode that has been recapped from this arc. To start at the beginning, go here.
OK! Let’s check in again with the PT-Era Space Family and The Clone Wars. When we last left this arc, things were going bad! Really really bad! Anakin was kidnapped and held hostage as the Boy Toy of an evil enslaving Queen — who, unsurprisingly, was using his attachment to his friends to her advantage just like every single other person in the galaxy. Ahsoka was being held prisoner in a cage, and Rex and Obi-Wan were sent off on a romantic date to Slave Labor Camp. Voiceover Recap Guy, on the intro, points this out to us by saying that “now even Obi-Wan Kenobi must come to terms with a life in chains.” I love that Star Wars, despite constantly beating up on this poor guy and ruining his life over and over and over, is still also completely on board with him being an invincible superhero. “Even Obi-Wan Kenobi got captured! You know! The best one!” No argument here, friends. No argument here.
All right! Obviously the gang is not going to call it a day with everyone held in slavery (yes yes I know they’re all “slaves to the Republic” and Rex is a Clone which is a PRETTY DAMN GREY AREA MORALLY IN THIS REGARD and also Anakin is going to eventually end up helping to run an Empire that heavily leverages slave labor BUT WHATEVER.) Today’s episode features one of Ahsoka’s finest hours, and naturally she’s got backup from her large lineup of badass dads. Here we go!
Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Cannot Be Broken Partly Because He Already Is
Obi-Wan and Rex are toiling in some sort of coal mine/cave thing with a bunch of the kidnapped Togrutas. Some guy swings by just to be like HA HA, YOU WERE A JEDI AND NOW YOU’RE A SLAVE and guess what? I hate these guys.
“Kind of like my entire life.”
Obi-Wan muses to Rex that this place is built to wear people down, and these poor peaceful Togrutas that just wanted to live in their hippie artist colony are already starting to crack. Not Obi-Wan, though! You can’t break that guy even if the actual universe falls apart and he has to try to murder his own best friend in an unbelievably graphic way and then haul ass to the desert with a day-old infant! (Side note: can you even imagine the car ride to Tatooine. CAN YOU. Obi-Wan is probably the most awkward person EVER around babies already, and then throw all the other bullshit that was going on at the time on top of it…also, does the Galaxy require car seats? Did Obi-Wan have to send Bail out to Babies ‘R Us at the last minute to get him one for whatever he took to get to the desert? Oh my God. Did OBI-WAN HAVE TO CHANGE A DIAPER EN ROUTE? He did, didn’t he? Amazing. Someone please write me this fanfic. I need hapless, emotionally destroyed Obi-Wan bonding with baby Luke in spite of everything. You know he would, too, because a Skywalker yelling and spitting up on him and keeping him awake all night with dramatic crying is the kind of Skywalker Dynamic Obi-Wan is accustomed to.)
I’m sorry, I’m easily distracted. The slave driver whips Obi-Wan for talking, and Obi-Wan lies the biggest lie ever by saying he won’t talk ever again:
“I mean unless someone needs to be lectured at or flirted with.”
Season 4 continues its assault on Obi-Wan by having this guy force him to beg him to stop beating on one of the other slaves. He does:
The Jedi Were The Guardians of Unnecessary Drama and Emotional Pain in the Old Republic
After the slaver leaves, Obi-Wan kneels down to check on how this guy is doing. He wriggles away from him, telling him…
And I’m sorry, because this is not at all a very funny scene but all the same, I love how Obi-Wan looks at Rex and and Rex is like “…well he’s not wrong, sir.”
Obi-Wan looks absolutely crushed by this. MY POOR BABY. Someone rescue him.
Recurring Theme: Bad Guy Conference Call
We cut now to the solar sailer, and Count Dooku holo-Skyping with his boss. Sidious explains that Sith Empires always have this really solid core of using slavery as a key part of their business strategy. OK, but…maybe try Lean or Six Sigma before you just jump right to “enslave people” for better productivity? No? Clearly I’m not cut out for the Dark Side.
Sidious is a man of tradition and in order for him to have the truly awesome Empire he’s hoping for, he tells Dooku they’re going to need like a zillion slaves. He needs to be assured that the Zygerrian queen will be kept in line, and if she fails to meet their demands, Dooku needs to end her. Dooku hangs up and lands on Zygerria.
An Offer You Should Refuse
The Queen, meanwhile, is strutting around with Anakin, asking if he’s decided whether or not he wants to become her Jedi arm candy in exchange for his friends’ freedom. Anakin says it’s not an easy decision. She’s all oh, HMMMM:
Their conversation is cut short, though, because the Queen is informed that Dooku’s arrived and he’s pissed. Anakin is like OOOOOH, your highness:
She’s like pfft, whatever, that’s not true, that guy doesn’t tell me what to do, and things get a little heated as they argue. Eventually she tells Anakin he’s not invited to come chat with Dooku, and leaves him with her menacing guards.
Recurring Theme: Hero Droid
As these guys advance on Anakin, Artoo comes rolling up behind them and AWWWW. Anakin smirks at him appreciatively, and Artoo creates a diversion by basically just bumping into these guys, which is hilarious, and Anakin is able to jump over a balcony and make short work of the guards. Having disposed of the bad guys, he and Artoo take off to get Ahsoka.
Recurring Theme: Ridiculous Throne Room
Dooku is arriving at the Queen’s throne room, yet ANOTHER one of these goofy ostentatious rooms we’ve been invited to check out a hundred times in this series.
She’s all “why are you here?” and he says her adviser invited him: he’s worried that she’s too attached to Skywalker. Oh my GOD, every single person is so CONCERNED about attachment in this universe that it counts as an attachment in and of itself!
She counters: Anakin is a symbol of her — their — ability to enslave even the Jedi! Also you have nothing in common with Anakin, Dooku (except like A TON OF THINGS.)
Also also she’s got Kenobi chained up in that coal mine on Kadavo! Dooku raises an eyebrow:
Is this supposed to be news?
I like how even Dooku is like “oh my God, did the writers find another way to make him suffer?!”
Recurring Theme: Shut Up, Writers
She says that, why, at this very moment, Obi-Wan Kenobi is learning something important!
SERIOUSLY. I reject this, Star Wars. OBI-WAN JUST WANTS TO BE A GOOD GUY. WHY IS HIS LIFE LIKE THIS. “Infinite sadness” indeed. Hmmph.
The Queen goes wide here: Kenobi’s going to realize he can’t help anyone! And since the only thing he wants in this world is to be helpful and do good, this is going to destroy him and WHY SHOW WHY. Don’t make me think about this. I have already spent ENOUGH time considering how many times this guy’s heart must have broken.
Then, once she’s got him broken, she’ll have BOTH Anakin and Obi-Wan in her service and while I am still very upset about the things she is saying here and I do not like this lady, I will indeed pause to say that that does sounds like a pretty sweet setup. I too would enjoy being a martini-drinking queen with a fancy palace and crazy clothes and those guys hanging around all the time. But, you know, without the enslavement and the torment and whatnot. So I guess this pretty much is me telling you all I wish I was the Duchess of Mandalore (again.)
…where was I? Oh! Right. So she’s like “and if I can get Obi-Wan and Anakin to fall, I can get pretty much ANY Jedi to do it! And then I’ll have a whole ARMY of Jedi at my service!” and WOW what a novel idea! Too bad Sidious beat you to the punch line there, honey.
Anyways, Dooku is like “um I don’t care about enslaving the Jedi, I just want to kill them all.” He tells her that he’s actually here to preside over Anakin and Obi-Wan’s executions. Sheesh! Talk about a miserable family reunion. The Queen looks SUPER unsettled about this.
Ahsoka Tano, Straight-A Student
Ahsoka is laying in her little cage/box suspended over the city when Anakin and Artoo arrive. Proving that she has been listening and learning during her travels with her dads, she appropriately makes a point of complaining about how long it took Anakin to save her:
Anakin, being a lovable asshole, is like:
So he frees Ahsoka, and tells her to get to the ship and wait for his signal. Where’s Anakin off to, you ask? Well, he’s rescued his daughter but his husband is still MIA, so, duh! It’s off to go find the queen so that he can find out where Obi-Wan is and save him — and Anakin, I know you never would but still: DON’T FORGET ABOUT REX OK?! He’s stuck there too!!!
Drama, Thy Name is Star Wars
The Queen is furiously arguing with Dooku: she doesn’t want Anakin to die and it is DEFINITELY because he got to her with his general handsomeness and (vastly improved, thank you Obi-Wan) flirt game. Dooku is like HUH: well your Prime Minister thinks he should die…
And she’s like WHAT?
Then to my extreme delight, she hurls her martini glass on the floor and it shatters. She tells Dooku she’ll kill him and busts out one of those elctro-whip thingers again, but obviously this is not going to be any real threat to him, since he’s filled with the Powah of the Dahhhk Side and all:
Anakin Skywalker, Reluctant Day-Saver
Anakin shows up, and he and Dooku sort of throw down.
…and Anakin, OF COURSE, gets electrocuted again. I would like to draw the internet’s attention to the existence of this series whenever anyone wants to go off on a rant about “Why did Obi-Wan do [X]?” “Why didn’t Anakin do [Y]?” YOU WANNA KNOW WHY THEY DID NOT MAKE SUPER GREAT DECISIONS ALL THE TIME, PEOPLE? Aside from the fact that they were clearly preoccupied with flirting with each other, they both also got electrocuted approximately 300 times in a several-year time span, especially Anakin. They did not have the tools they needed to make good choices by the time Revenge of the Sith rolled around, OK?! Frankly even though the universe collapsed and fell into darkness, we should almost be impressed that things didn’t somehow go even worse.
Anyways, the Queen is dying (or at least about to lose consciousness) from her earlier Force-choke, when her guards show up and Dooku tries to pin the Queen’s imminent death on Anakin. Before they can kill him, he grabs the queen and Force-jumps outta there.
Ahsoka and Artoo meet up with him as planned, and he leaps onto the ship Ahsoka’s piloting, and as he sets the queen down, with her dying breath she tells him:
He presses:
…and REX RIGHT?! Come on, Skywalker.
She tells him, and punctuates this with one more “hey guess what we’re all slaves, man” line AGAIN.
Galaxy’s Worst Grandpa
Obi-Wan and Rex are being herded into a room with holo-Skype capabilities, because Obi-Wan’s crotchety grandpa wants to talk to him.
I love that Dooku uses his full name, like he really is a disappointed relative. “Obi-Wan Kenobi, tsk tsk.”
Obi-Wan spits back:
Anakin Skywalker, Jedi Locksmith
Just as Dooku is doing the whole villainous “I just wanted to pay my final respects before you DIE, bwahahahahaha” thing, Anakin and Ahsoka arrive on Kadavo. They’re held up at the door, and Anakin gets to work on opening it…
Dooku is informed that a ship unexpectedly has landed, and he instantly knows it’s Anakin. Peevishly, he tells Obi-Wan to tell his boy that if he shows up and blows shit up, they’re going to kill a bunch of slaves and it’ll be ALL ANAKIN’S FAULT.
Obi-Wan talks to Anakin via some kind of security camera thing:
Way to keep the rage super subtle here, Skywalker.
Anakin is unmoved:
Obi-Wan tells him that they’re going to kill people if Anakin tries to save the day, and Anakin, again, is not super interested in taking orders from a bunch of slavers now OR EVER:
Obi-Wan pleads with him: you can’t try to do this alone, there’s too many of them and it’ll be bad. Anakin with a triumphant smirk, knows something Obi-Wan doesn’t:
Recurring Theme: I Love a Good Jedi Rescue
THAT’S RIGHT! Anakin, indeed, is not alone: here comes Plo Koon and the Wolf(fe) Pack you GUYSSSSS!
Yes, Ahsoka’s fourth dad (SHE HAS SO MANY DADS) arrives on the scene with his crew and they are READY TO THROW DOWN.
LOOK AT AHSOKA’S FACE. THIS GIRL IS READY TO DANCE.
So: Obi-Wan and Rex take care of most of the baddies in their room, Ahsoka and Anakin break into the building, and Plo and the gang start blowing shit up. Obi-Wan, dismayed, discovers that the Main Slave Driver has electrocuted the walls of the chamber where the slaves are being held, and he’s dismantled the control computer so that he can’t turn it off from where he is and also a bunch of bad stuff is going to happen in short order so they need to MOVE:
Ahsoka Tano, Problem-Solver
Ahsoka and Anakin decide to split up: Anakin’s going to try and blow up some towers at the facility, and Ahsoka’s going to go try to help her people escape. Awww.
Anakin, for his part, has a damn field day killing bad guys (…) and commandeering their guns:
Ahsoka, once she reaches the enslaved Togrutas, realizes that it’s not going to be as simple as having them come out to meet their ride:
Ghosts of Star Wars Future: I’m No Jedi Edition
Meanwhile, Obi-Wan Force-grabs his lightsaber back from the Main Slaver Guy, and he looks EVER SO PISSED AT THIS CREEP. The guy taunts him: ohhh, Kenobi, you handsome doofus! You’re a JEDI. They can’t kill an unarmed man!
Everyone please pay attention here: THEN OBI-WAN LOOKS AT REX, AND REX KILLS THE GUY INSTEAD, AND THEN REX SAYS THIS:
OK, I love everything about this. Also LOL, Kenobi — sweetheart, what was that you were just saying about Dooku not doing his own dirty work?
Also: remember who else says this like waaaaaay later? Ah, Recycled Dialogue strikes again!
(I’m sorry. I shouldn’t make you look at this. GODDAMNIT ANAKIN.)
Recurring Theme: Thrilling Rescue
So the boys come make their great escape, and Ahsoka’s plan to get the slaves to freedom works, and requires her to be absolutely awesome in the process:
With the facility about to blow, the team gets onto their ride home, and Plo et al blast the crap out of Kadavo:
Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, Proud Father
It’s time for the episode wrap-up, and my beloved Space Family is walking with Governor Roshti, who is heaping thanks on the team for their help. Anakin gives the credit to Ahsoka:
AWWWW. Anakin is totally proud of her. Roshti asks to speak with Ahsoka privately and LOOK AT ANAKIN’S FACE when he looks at her:
For God’s sake, Skywalker, you probably would have been a good actual dad. WHY DID YOU BLOW IT SO BAD.
As Ahsoka speaks with Roshti, he tells her that he doesn’t think this whole slavery thing is going to be something the people of Kiros will be able to get over easily, because DUH:
Ahsoka tells him that perhaps having survived this will make them ultimately stronger, though! He tells her that that might be true…and also that maybe they will consider joining the Republic for real now instead of staying peaceful and neutral because neutrality is for suckers:
She tells him that she thinks that’s a good idea, and OH WHY STAR WARS: because yes, obviously the Republic will surely never tolerate slavery or even actively perpetrate it eventually. *throws a martini glass*
She and Roshti walk off dramatically, and the iris wipe is here, so that means we’re done here! The Space Family has emerged victorious, having freed the slaves and foiled Sidious’ evil plan. Well! Seems like everything’s all wrapped up here and everything will be fine now and Ahsoka will absolutely get to stay with her dads forever and LA LA LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU. Until next time, dear readers!
