TCW, Season 2, Episode 5: With My Last Breath, I Snark At Thee

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The Clone Wars, Season 2, Episode 5: Landing At Point Rain 
This is the first episode that has been recapped from this arc. 

Hello, lovely readers! Say, do you like watching the Jedi being hardcore amazing? (Yes you do.) Do you enjoy Rex, Anakin and Ahsoka Family Antics? (Yes you do.) What about Obi-Wan and Anakin flirting with each other in the workplace to the point that people actually have to stop mid-conference call to tell them to stop? (Yes you do.)

If you, like me, consider these things to be among some of your favorite elements of Star Wars (as you should,) well, you have come to the right recap. This one is chock-full of awesome Jedi moves, amazing daring missions, genuine Space Family Affection, and Obi-Wan and Anakin demonstrating that nothing — not being in the middle of a tactical meeting, or even if one of you is critically injured and possibly about to black out — is a legitimate reason to stop playfully bickering. These boys are committed. COM-MITTED.

This series of episodes comes hot on the heels of the first Hilarious Clovis Episode — that is, where our heroes learn that Dooku and his gang of Separatist Thugs have started to resurrect their droid-building efforts on Geonosis. You will, of course, remember Geonosis from that time that Anakin and Padme almost died trying to rescue Obi-Wan from a coliseum where large space monsters attack victims for a spectator audience. This experience, as with so many of the Great Love Stories of our time, led them to proclaiming their undying love for each other followed immediately by Anakin losing a hand to a battle with a Sith Lord, after which they quietly took to Space Italy for a secret wedding ceremony. You know: standard rom-com fare.

Voiceover Recap Guy tells us that the Jedi are off to Geonosis this time to put an end to this Separatist Droid-Building nonsense once and for all, and this time it’s Obi-Wan, Anakin, Ahsoka and Ki-Adi-Mundi who are tasked with slaying this monster.

As It Is, Was, And Ever Shall Be

As we open, Obi-Wan is lamenting to Ki-Adi that he cannot believe that they’re going back to Geonosis again. Obi-Wan has apparently managed to overlook the 1200 other times in canon where Star Wars has decided to basically just do the exact thing it already did over again. I’m pretty sure Obi-Wan’s best friend is Willful Blindness, though, as it’s the only way he can hold on to whatever tiny shards remain of his sanity, so maybe that’s how he can “not notice”.

Anakin and Ahsoka show up to start talking business. Twelve seconds into the episode, these two are already going at it:
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Obi-Wan Kenobi, Perpetual Wet Blanket

Anakin and Ahsoka have a little friendly banter about who destroyed the most droids in their last tussle. Naturally, Obi-Wan has to rain on their parade by being all tsk-tsk in response:

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You know who Obi-Wan is? He’s that person everyone knows that like, shits all over every party by being like “I’m so glad SOME people can laugh and find things SO FUNNY when there’s SO MUCH SUFFERING IN THE WORLD” and then everyone feels bummed out and it kills the entire mood and people start finding excuses to leave. They’re the people who post stuff on social media like “guess I’m the only one who cares about Issue X since you’re all posting pictures of cats, wish I had that luxury but I CARE about things” or something.

Anakin is like ohhhhh it’s just a little fun to distract from the CRUSHING AWFUL that is spending our lives fighting this war, OK?! And really, Anakin’s with Ahsoka — she’s like what, 15 here? LET THIS POOR CHILD HAVE SOMETHING IN HER LIFE.

You’re right, Obi-Wan. No one in the entire galaxy is worried about the war but you. It’s not like ANAKIN, for one, would rather be home banging his hot Senator wife right now instead of listening to another Dad Lecture from you despite the fact that Anakin is a grown-ass man now. Yes, I know: your life is terrible and you are probably deeply depressed. But still. DUDE.

Recurring Theme: Sheev Palpatine, Teller of Lies

In the next scene, the group is holo-Skyping with Mace Windu, Palpatine, Yoda and Luminara Unduli, and I have to tell you: this scene slays me. First, we get yet another heaping helping of Palpatine’s hilarious lies to the Jedi. As Obi-Wan lays out the strategy for retaking and destroying the droid foundries on Geonosis and capturing Poggle the Lesser, Sheev interjects: isn’t it a bit too risky to send three of our best generals into this?

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Yeah I kinda need those guys for something.

Yoda tells him that they have to send in some of their best guys…tcw-s2-e5-0021

…and of course, Palpatine is all OH RIGHT:
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I wouldn’t know the first THING about creating a plan for anything! I’m just a doddering old helpless man. Nothing to see here, you guys know best, hahahahahahahahahahahaha.

What a scheming little bitch.

Recurring Theme: Ahsoka Tano Knows The Score

Ahsoka points out to Anakin that the area they need to move through per this plan is…well, extremely well-guarded. There is a Big Giant Wall that will be very hard to pass through. Anakin, as per usual, is like PFFT WHATEVER we almost definitely probably certainly won’t need to worry about that.

Anakin’s face kills me, and Ahsoka makes a mental note of this conversation for later.

Recurring Theme: Anakin Loves Obi-Wan
BONUS Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Loves Anakin

The best part of this scene by far, though, is when Obi-Wan interjects here and these two literally cannot stop themselves from flirting with each other even though this is a meeting to discuss battle plans and like 6 other people are in the room. Now, I’m sorry — in all honesty, I am usually making light of this series and exaggerating for comedic effect — because making light of Star Wars IS kind of my wheelhouse and I live for hyperbole — but sometimes this shows lays it on so thick with these two that I’m like…I’m not even sure if we’re all joking anymore? They are such an old married couple in this series. It’s like, out of control sometimes with the arm-touching and the playful sass-flirting and the looking deep into each other’s eyes routine.

Obi-Wan throws out the first pitch in this episode’s game of Sassy One-Upsmanship:

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There’s always so much eyebrow action coming from Kenobi in this series, oh my God.

Anakin replies to this by reassuring Obi-Wan that he’s got this, and leaning over to lounge on Obi-Wan’s shoulder while doing so:

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Yeah baby don’t you worry your pretty ginger head about a thing. 

Obi-Wan snarks sassily back:

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…I had a caption for this but I’m not going to publish it. 

Luminara Unduli, Making My Day

Luminara Unduli then honest-to-God cuts them off mid-flirt session before things start getting racy and says the following:
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Yeah guys you can hit on each other and make out all you want once we’re DONE FIGHTING A DAMN WAR FFS OMFG

Her FACE. She is so done with these two and it is adding actual years to my life. I love that this part is in here SO MUCH and I die every time I watch it.

Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Delivering a “Previously On Star Wars…”

Obi-Wan and Cody are getting ready to leave now, and Cody tells Obi-Wan that he wasn’t present the last time the Jedi threw down on Geonosis.

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…yeah, Cody: you didn’t miss much! Last time Obi-Wan was just chained to a pole in a giant arena…

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I think I wrote the dialogue for this episode and was somehow unaware of it until now.

Cody, ALSO channeling me, is like:
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Oh, I don’t know, Kenobi: it was pretty entertaining for some of us viewers, too.

The Space Family Hits The Road

Rex, Anakin and Ahsoka head out to catch up to Obi-Wan:

…and Admiral Yularen wishes Ki-Adi-Mundi happy trails, to which he replies with that happy-go-lucky, upbeat and positive outlook all the Jedi share:
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We know, OK? We know you all have terrible lives. 

Recurring Theme: Another Happy Landing

So the groups set out and, well, things don’t go especially smoothly. Anakin and Ahsoka end up right in the thick of things when they land, Ki-Adi-Mundi gets injured and is hunched over holding onto a wound for the rest of this episode as a result, and Obi-Wan and company have it the worst of all when their ship gets hit and they crash:

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Ki-Adi gets a status report on what’s going on with everyone:

Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, Refuses To Accept Anyone’s Death As An Option

Anakin’s crew, getting overtaken by the bad guys, are desperate for backup. Anakin asks Rex to tell Obi-Wan to get his pale ass over there and help them, but Rex has some not-so-great news:

Cody told Rex that Obi-Wan never made it to the landing site…  tcw-s2-e5-0079

Anakin, in denial, is like “I’ll cover my encroaching fear with complaining about Obi-Wan even though he’s not here and also possibly dead”:

I would like to point out that there is absolutely ZERO truth to the idea that Anakin has NEVER asked Obi-Wan for help. I mean, he was NINE when they met. But sure, Skywalker, I’m totally willing to buy that this is the first time you’ve OMG ever had to ask for something as embarrassing as help from Obi-Wan.

Ahsoka, because she was raised by the Jedi from infancy and therefore is programmed to be like WELP HE’S MAYBE DEAD THOUGH throws out that:

Anakin, predictably (side note: “Anakin, predictably…” should be like this blog’s official slogan) is like NEWP NOT GOING THERE, TANO:

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Look, I’m trying to keep my Dark Side at bay and I don’t need you raising the possibility that my husband is dead right now, OK?!

In fairness, they are in the middle of a battle here, so Anakin’s not wrong: they probably shouldn’t dwell on the possibility that their Space Spouse/Dad is dead if they wanna stay focused and remain not-dead themselves.

Go Help Obi-Wan Kenobi, You’re His Only Hope

Things are getting worse for Cody:
tcw-s2-e5-0092Waxer and Boil are getting some orders: go look for survivors around where Obi-Wan’s ship went down.

They rip open the door to Obi-Wan’s ship and find the injured Jedi and one lone surviving clone trooper. Grim! 😦 tcw-s2-e5-0096tcw-s2-e5-0098

Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi Will Just Go Ahead and Suppress This Crippling Emotional and/or Physical Pain

So, here’s the thing: Obi-Wan got REALLY hurt here and is going to spend the entire rest of the episode being like “whatever it’s a leg cramp I’ll just walk it off” while, like, his internal organs bleed out. This guy has NEVER admitted that anything has ever bothered him ever in the entire history of this series. STOP BEING A ROBOT, KENOBI.

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I just need a new liver and have 10 broken bones and one of my lungs is punctured and I think I just partially threw up my spleen just now but I’m Fine It’s Fine Everything’s FINE.

When I Said We Wouldn’t, I Meant We Would

Obi-Wan’s guys are aiming to connect up with Anakin and Ahsoka and Rex, Ki-Adi-Mundi is leading his troops through an alternate route, and that’s when Anakin comes upon the Big Gigantic Fortress Wall. You know: the one he told Ahsoka they didn’t need to concern themselves with because they weren’t going to be in The Big Gigantic Fortress Wall’s vicinity? Yeah.

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So here they are, and a huge number of battle droids start shooting at them from the top of the wall.

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Ahsoka Tano, Completely Anakin and Obi-Wan’s Daughter

Everybody ducks and covers, and Ahsoka, aiming to remind us all that she was not only raised by Anakin, but Obi-Wan as well, is like GOOD FUCKING JOB ANAKIN FFS:
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Anakin takes this sass without any reaction, solemnly accepting his fuck-up. LOL I’m kidding of course, he pulls out a classic from the Anakin Skywalker Playbook:

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I have done nothing wrong ever in my life!

Ahsoka then hilariously uses his own words against him:

 

Anakin, out of material with which to defend himself, gives up now and tells her to forge ahead.

Recurring Theme: Let’s Go Into A Weirdass Cave

Oh hey! Time for someone to go into a cave/tunnel thing. How novel. Ki-Adi-Mundi and his crew are entering one. When asked if he’s sure this is faster route to where they’re trying to go, he admits:

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They slowly begin moving inside:
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Recurring Theme: We’ll Blow Up This Giant Evil Thing With One or Two Well-Placed Jedi

Anakin tells Rex to cover him and Ahsoka, who are going to climb the Big Huge Wall That We Weren’t Supposed To Have To Deal With, and blow it up.

Off go Snips and Skyguy, to the rescue once again! Go get ’em, kids!

Meanwhile, Ki-Adi-Mundi and his guys get ambushed by the Geonosians once inside this episode’s Cave:
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Anakin and Ahsoka take to the top of the wall, where they’re facing a ton of droids. After taking out a dozen of them, a pair of destroyers show up.

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Recurring Theme: I Love These Characters So Much You Guys

They’re carefully plotting their next moves, holding the droids off, when Rex, seeing that they need a hand, awesomely shows up to help them dismantle one and then the other. AWW! You guys. Space family teamwork is the best teamwork!

Anakin tosses an explosive into a hole in the wall:

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…and then THIS HILARIOUS THING HAPPENS. Anakin, in an effort to get all three of them out of there before the wall blows, says this:

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Look at Anakin and Ahsoka’s FACES they are SO UP TO NO GOOD.

Before Rex can even react or realize what’s happening, ANAKIN AND AHSOKA FORCE-THROW REX OVER THE SIDE OF THE WALL. LOL. It’s amazing. He starts falling, and they jump down after him, passing him on the way down:
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After they land (with Anakin and Ahsoka setting Rex down gently, then blocking a barrage of boulders that are about to crush them,) Rex is amusingly miffed as Anakin helps him to his feet:
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I like how Rex presumes there will be a next time. He knows what this line of work entails. 

If I Had A Nickel For Every Time I’ve Said This At My Job…

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…so Ki-Adi and his guys are making their way out of the cave passage, blasting their way through with flamethrowers, resulting in flaming gigantic insects flying everywhere. I realize I say this a lot, but for real: who all assumed this was part of the Star Wars backstory? Hmm? Hands? Yeah.

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Anakin and Ahsoka, having blasted through the Giant Wall, are now connecting up with them. Ki-Adi and Anakin have a chat:

Ki-Adi tells Anakin he can see the landing point now from where he’s standing, but it doesn’t look good. Hmm! Well that’s a problem. Anakin asks to be holo-Skyped in to Admiral Yularen:

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Obi-Wan Kenobi, Will Never Fucking Give Up Ever So Don’t Even Suggest It

Hey! What do you know: occasionally the Jedi DO have luck. Take that, The Force! Yularen informs them that reinforcements are on the way, and a squadron of Y-wings arrive to help out our friends. This is decidedly a good thing, because things are NOT going well for Obi-Wan and Cody as they try to fight back against the baddies:
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Oh, Obi-Wan. OK, so this guy is basically dying right now, and you can see him just trying SO hard to summon every little bit of strength he has to keep going despite the fact that like, every single thing about his body is failing right now except for his hair (of course). He’s slowly and unsteadily rising to his feet to help his men with one last big push, when their backup mercifully arrives:

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As soon as he hears that the backup has arrived, he pretty much collapses on the spot. My poor ginger space peanut! SOMEONE HELP HIM.

At this exact moment, Ahsoka and Anakin arrive. Ahsoka is concerned, immediately kneeling down next to him and asking if he’s OK and OMG Obi-Wan puts his arm around Ashoka and he’s so happy to see her and just KILL ME NOW STAR WARS I HATE YOU SO MUCH. I’m still emotionally compromised from the Ahsoka novel, but even if I wasn’t I’d still be ranting here. Sigh.

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Obi-Wan loves his daughter you guuuuuyyyyssss.

Anakin, unable to own up to his obvious internal monologue of OH THANK GOD I’M SO HAPPY YOU’RE NOT DEAD OH MY GOD EVERYONE MOVE ASIDE WHILE I HUG HIM BACK TO HEALTH, instead just opts for the smartass route:

 

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Obi-Wan, also unable to talk about Feelings or anything Real, just smartasses right back. I was going to be like “well I guess we know they must not be THAT injured if they’re still sass-flirting with each other” except that I’m pretty sure they’d have done that on their deathbeds. I mean, technically Obi-Wan peaced out from this mortal coil in Episode 4 still ACTUALLY SMIRKING at Anakin, so I think nothing can really stop it.

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Obi-Wan Kenobi, Totally Fine Everyone

Obi-Wan, still unable to move but no that’s totally not my heart that I just coughed up just now it’s just a little bump is all I just felt like sitting down right now leave me alone everything’s fine, is laying out the orders for their next big move, as they work to destroy the shield generator.

…and with that, we move into the Big Action Sequence of the episode! Anakin and Ahsoka, as the winners of the Least Injured Contest, lead the brave push…

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They break through, and as planned, the Republic tanks blast away at the shield generator, and the gang is able to overrun the Separatist forces and take control of the factory. Hooray! They kind of sort of won this time except they’re not done yet but we’ll mark this one in the “W” column for now!

Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, Emotionally Involved

As we conclude this installment, Anakin is sweetly carrying Obi-Wan over to an awaiting ship to take him back for medical care:

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Listen up everyone I LOVE THESE TWO.

Ashoka, being a kid, is still like HEY ANAKIN how many droids didja kill?! Anakin, too busy being worried about Obi-Wan’s platelet count and blood pressure and rating on the 1-10 Pain Index now that he’s no longer in Chosen One Battle Mode, is like NOT A GOOD TIME, SNIPS. Ahsoka presses:

 

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She is so clearly a byproduct of these two, it is hysterical.  Anakin acquiesces, annoyed:

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…and Ahsoka is triumphant:

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Anakin, unwilling let anything go ever, claims that he ordered the airstrike that helped win the day, so he’ll allow her to call it a tie. Ahsoka states the obvious:

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You are not wrong, Tano.

For the Love Of God Kenobi, Just Give Us All A Break
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Obi-Wan, ignoring the fact that his brain is probably pooling with blood and his kidneys are shutting down and a piece of shrapnel is about to pierce his large intestine, still makes sure to go out of his way to be like UGH I can’t believe you two can manage to find ANYTHING FUN ABOUT ANY ASPECT OF THIS WAR.  I think someone’s been spending a liiiiiiittle too much time on the holo-Skype with a certain sanctimonious pacifist Duchess lately, given all his “WELL I NEVER” attitude here.

You know who Obi-Wan is in this episode? He’s not even the Bummer Friend who brings everyone down at a party. Obi-Wan is every person I’ve known who has ever responded to my sarcastic Star Wars humor, or my genuine unbridled love for the Star Wars franchise overall, with something like “Well actually, I really found [a Star Wars movie, TV show, TAKE YOUR PICK] to be so utterly lacking. It personally betrayed me and brought me 10 years’ bad luck and salted the earth around my homestead. I cannot fathom why anyone would like it. Let’s begin my long rant about how bad this [movie/show] is, that exactly no one on Earth asked for, with a complete analysis of Joseph Campbell’s Hero’s Journey…” while I proceed to roll my eyes so far back into my skull that I need intervention from a medical professional to correct them. Like, SOME OF US ARE JUST TRYING TO BRING A LITTLE LEVITY INTO THE FANDOM HERE, KENOBI. JUST LET US BE SNARKY ASSHOLES WITH “BAD TASTE” IN PEACE. We don’t need the commentary about how above it all you are. (PS: I love you. But you are periodically kind of a pompous ass. It’s all right. xoxoxoxoxo)

Recurring Theme: I Enjoy Laughing At Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi

Hi, I’m the author of this website. Did you know I find Obi-Wan and Anakin to be endlessly amusing? I do. This episode serves up more of the thing I live for as we bring this one in for a close. Ki-Adi-Mundi, overhearing Anakin and Ahsoka’s little competition again, pipes up:

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Anakin, slow on the uptake as usual, is confused:

Anakin just sort of gapes at him in shock — OMG someone else who believes in fun! — for a moment:
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And Obi-Wan, as his right lung fills with blood and his vision narrows to a pinhole and his vital signs drop, is still managing to LOVE THE SHIT OUT OF THIS:

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Oh, so I guess you find at least ONE thing worth smirking at here, Kenobi. 

Anakin hands out Ki-Adi-Mundi’s prize. Congrats, Master! You’re the proud owner of…
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KI-ADI-MUNDI IS SO DISAPPOINTED ABOUT THIS:

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Gosh, thanks. I…really wanted that.

Obi-Wan reassures him:
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And with that, the Injured Old Guys take flight, leaving Anakin and Ahsoka to press ahead. Next time on Return to Geonosis, Anakin will have a hard time coping with the possible death of someone he loves. Yes, let no one say we do not repeatedly break new ground on this show. Til next time, friends!