TCW, Season 2, Episode 7: Wormhole

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The Clone Wars, Season 2, Episode 7: Legacy of Terror

Allow me, readers, to explain to you exactly how I determine what’s going to be recapped around here next:

  • I read or see something and I have so much to write about it that I crank out an entire entry an hour after seeing it (like that time Darth Maul maybe finally died for real)
  • People repeatedly ask me to recap it (usually because it’s either completely insane or Obi-Wan and Anakin are The Most Married™ in it.)
  • I, seeking inspiration, browse through episode listings or comic synopses or whatever and run across something that reads like this:

Luminara is captured while looking for Separatist leader Poggle the Lesser, and it’s up to Anakin, Obi-Wan and Commander Cody to enter a colony of Geonosian zombies to find her.

Sure! Zombies! Of course, Star Wars! Look, I know I’ve made this joke many a time, but again: remember when this Wizard Who’s Just a Crazy Old Man was telling Luke about having been in the Clone Wars?

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…I don’t know about you, but I have to admit that I don’t recall being like “huh, I bet the Clone Wars this guy is talking about having fought in involved multiple instances of zombies” when I first saw this scene, but at the same time I am filled with glee that it did. Some people will tell you Star Wars became weird or went too goofy or somehow took it all a step too far at some point along the way. I will gently remind these people (while also noting that I have zero interest in arguing with them about this) that Star Wars kicked things off with “Here’s Darth Vader, who is a thing, appearing in a cloud of smoke”, so…y’know. I’ve made my peace with it. Zombies it is, then!

ALL RIGHT: so this is part of an arc I haven’t finished yet, but we’re skipping ahead because I said so. I play by my own rules around here! Voiceover Recap Guy shows up in his usual understated fashion to shout at us about how the Separatist forces have fallen on Geonosis (FUCKING FINALLY, amirite?)

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We are told that this came at heavy costs to the Clone Army (noooo!), and now Luminara and Obi-Wan (who has evidently recovered from having almost died about 19 times earlier in this arc,) are looking for Poggle the Lesser so that they can take him to space jail and put this whole Geonosis thing behind them once and for all.

Ahsoka Tano, Just Your Average High School Sophomore

Ahsoka and Barriss, fresh from their own brushes with death and subsequent weapons-factory-destruction (typical teenagers…), are bidding Rex a fond farewell:
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Rex assures them that they’ve got this from here, and sees the girls off.

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Luminara is majestically surveying Geonosis as Obi-Wan arrives, and really: sometimes I just have to hand it to some of the Jedi. Look at her OUTFIT! THAT’S what she’s wearing TO A WAR. I know we give Padme all kinds of points for her fabulous wardrobe (as well we should) but Padme also at least spent the majority of her time in conference rooms and that completely swanky apartment of hers. Luminara is nearly wearing a full-length gown to a brutal melee on a dust planet run by giant bugs.

Aaaanyways, Obi-Wan steps off a ship and remarks that they’ve had a hard-won victory here.

The two of them chat about how the battles keep coming more and more frequently, and they’re losing too many people, and at this, Luminara declares that she’s going off to look for clues to Poggle’s whereabouts herself.

As she heads out, she requests that Obi-Wan leave at least a little bit of the strategic planning for her, and as she pulls away, Obi-Wan smirks somewhat saucily to himself because he is hopeless.

Recurring Theme: The Unbearable Sadness of Everyone

We see Poggle, accompanied by some battle droids, heading to parts unknown. They accidentally drop a munitions box…

…which they’re told to leave behind.

Obi-Wan, then, is connecting up with Ki-Adi-Mundi, who you may recall also damn near died in his last appearance in this arc. Obi-Wan is surprised to see him what with the fact that he might have needed several hundred units of blood recently:

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Ki-Adi replies that after long enough in a bacta tank, wearing that embarrassing getup you have to wear in there…

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Obi-Wan tells him he’s looking well, and because this is Star Wars, the conversation takes a decidedly Bummer Turn:

I’m so sad for the Jedi, you guys. Always.

Obi-Wan says their last contact with Luminara was over on the west side of the planet, which seems pretty barren. They holo-Skype with her to get some deets: turns out she’s found that one random box Poggle and his droid buddies left behind…
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…at this, Ki-Adi-Mundi helps me check off a box on my Star Wars bingo card:

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Welcome to Star Wars, Master Jedi!

He explains: they totally trashed that temple in their previous attack! Luminara posits that perhaps he doesn’t realize the extent of the damage.

Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, Comic Relief For Me Way More Times Than He Probably Should Be

To my great delight, Anakin comes sauntering over at this moment to inform Luminara that…

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HAHAHAHA. Of course Anakin was tracking a sandstorm. I hope he wasn’t even asked to do this. I hope he just did this on his own because OH GOD NOT A SANDSTORM SHE’LL GET SAND ON HER AND THEN WHAT OBI-WAN THEN WHAT WHAT IF IT COMES BY US???

Luminara states her intention to proceed forward in search of Poggle, and the boys are initially not super on board:

…her word stands, though, and with an “as you wish”, they end the call and Luminara takes off with Buzz alongside her.

In the midst of the sandstorm, we’re treated to some unrequested sadness with the battle droids, as one of them gets left by the wayside:

And back at Good Guy HQ, Anakin is staring with Great Concern out a giant window (one of his all time favorite pastimes,) at the sandstorm.

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I’m honestly kind of shocked at how well Anakin’s holding it together given that Obi-Wan AND Ahsoka each almost died a little while ago and now on top of everything he has to look at a sandstorm. Maybe he’s under heavy sedation right now.

Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, Pretty Sure Someone’s Going to Die

He wonders aloud about what’s taking Luminara so long. Ki-Adi-Mundi says that thing Anakin hears like 3 billion times a week:
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…entertainingly, two seconds after being like “it’s complicated Skywalker, just chill out” Obi-Wan and Ki-Adi turn around, walk a few paces away from Anakin, and are like “yeeeah, it actually HAS been a while, I hope she’s not dead”. Ha!

Ki-Adi, almost pointedly, says to Obi-Wan:
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Hahahahahaha. Yes, unlike SOME PEOPLE AROUND HERE WHO ARE DEFINITELY NOT NAMED OBI-WAN AND ANAKIN, Luminara has her head on straight. I mean, he doesn’t come right out and SAY IT, but you all know he was kinda thinking it.

Recurring Theme: Let’s Go Into a Weirdass Cave
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Luminara (who rolls up wearing Action Space Wayfarers) and Buzz go into the aforementioned Temple, and it’s creepy and full of statues of anguished giant bugs:
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She comms the boys as Buzz takes a look around the surroundings:

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Suddenly, she jumps into action. As her transmission breaks up, Obi-Wan looks on in great concern, and Anakin is instantly like halfway out the door:

First, LOL at Obi-Wan’s Bossypants Routine here. Second: OK, sure, we all knew Anakin would want to go on a half-thought-through rescue mission, but I really hope someone told Luminara at some point just HOW dedicated Anakin was to saving her here. Our boy was willing to GO INTO A SANDSTORM for her! There’s probably only like 3 other people in the UNIVERSE he’d risk that for. WHAT IF IT GETS IN HIS HAIR?!

Obi-Wan reminds Anakin that the gunships can’t handle going out in this storm, and Anakin is super calm about this:
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Ki-Adi, gently, reminds him about the Jedi’s radical concept of not being a total emotional hothead every single minute of your life:

Obi-Wan assures Anakin that they’ll leave to go find her as soon as the storm clears, and the three of them revert to the default setting for every person in this universe:
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Just Another Day on the Job

The storm has passed now, and Team Handsome, flanked by some of the 212th, arrive at the temple, and GOD just LOOK AT THEM:
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You know, when they’re just gloriously marching and pretending to know what they’re doing like this, it’s easy to forget what completely gigantic dorks they are.

They walk into the same room we last saw Luminara and Buzz in, and they get the bad news:
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Obi-Wan also finds Luminara’s lightsaber, which he proclaims to be “not a good sign” like WAY TO GO BRAVO DETECTIVE OBVIOUS. Anakin somehow is also able to proclaim that Poggle was not responsible for this (because he doesn’t think Poggle could take Luminara? Because he can see the past? I don’t know.)

He speculates: maybe it was THAT!

Obi-Wan wonders if the Geonosian bug queen (YES REALLY) is behind this, and Anakin says in this almost disgustedly skeptical voice “…the BUGS? Have a queen?!” I guess Anakin figured only Naboo could have one because why would anyone else in the universe even try to have a queen now that Padme obviously perfected the concept for all time. Obi-Wan says it’s only been a rumor…

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They fancily proceed through the cave with Obi-Wan’s men behind them.

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…I admit, I am a little sad that that captioning wasn’t about Obi-Wan’s hair. Alas.

The Jedi Order, Pretty Damn Good At Keeping It Together Under Insane Circumstances

So as The Team makes their way through the catacombs, which are decidedly creepy:

…Luminara comes to as she’s being dragged through a dark tunnel by bug zombies.

Allow me to take this moment to point out that, all jokes about their occasional ridiculousness notwithstanding, the Jedi Order as a group generally has their shit together, OK? LUMINARA JUST AWAKENED FROM A CONCUSSION, FACE-TO-FACE WITH BUG ZOMBIES. She has no weapon. She’s handcuffed. She’s alone in there and for all she knows the boys are either never coming, or are also dead. And yet, whereas for many of us any one of these things would be cause to be like HEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT I AM SO SCREWED, she pretty much just quietly flips herself backwards and starts kicking their asses. I tip my hat to you, Luminara.

After a tussle that includes the very unsettling closed captioning of “[wet thudding]”…

…she places a call to Obi-Wan to warn him to stay away:

Naturally, Team Handsome has never met Words of Foreboding they didn’t like, and so rather than being like “huh, Master Unduli is smart and knows what she’s doing and is maybe onto something here”, Obi-Wan’s first reaction is this:
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…where does Anakin get it from? WHO CAN SAY.

Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan and Anakin, Co-Winners of the Prestigious Star Wars Weirdest Life Ever Award

The boys now encounter the Bug Zombies, and they find they can’t kill them…and that as they slice into them, creepy worms appear to be crawling out of and around them. At one point Anakin sees said worms, and hilariously makes a totally grossed-out face as if he’s thinking “This. This is my actual life. Here I am, underground in a bug cave when I could be sitting on Padme’s couch in my underpants.”
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They lose several of their men, and end up having to retreat and save themselves by blocking part of the catacombs.

Anakin seems mildly offended that at last he’s found a creature he can’t kill:
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Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Human Wikipedia

Oh good! Another opportunity for Obi-Wan to show off completely random knowledge he has:
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OK, so, I know Geonosis was galactically significant and all, so I can maybe see why he’d have read up on the place at some point, but like…the last time he was here he didn’t KNOW he was going there until like 5 minutes before he arrived. And he’s been KINDA BUSY since the end of Attack of the Clones. Does he just read up on this stuff in his spare time? Is this what he does when he’s en route to his next near-death experience: brushes up on random factoids because he just likes to? God, what a nerd. He really is the perfect man.

Anakin is like WAIT: so you’re saying that we couldn’t kill them…
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DUH, Skywalker! Obviously! Anakin protests with the following:
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Anakin Skywalker, my dear sweet doofus, your own sainted mother was knocked up by a mystical Force and gave birth to you as a result. You of all people should know that anything is possible around these parts.

No Way This Could Go Wrong

Obi-Wan sends two of his men off to the surface to request reinforcements from Ki-Adi, as they’re too far underground to comm for help. Oh sure, I’m positive these two guys walking around alone in the dark in a cave full of unkillable zombies will be fine.

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…yep. Good goin’, Obes! Have you never seen a horror film, dude?

Anakin is like “OK, so, we were dumb”:

He offers to go to the surface to ask for reinforcements himself, and to my endless amusement, Obi-Wan is like “nope we GOTTA SAVE HER”:

THESE TWO ARE THE SAME PERSON. They just alternate which one of them is going to be the reckless day-saving one every few minutes. (Well OK, and when Anakin’s being reckless it tends to have slightly more disastrous consequences than day-saving.)

The Jedi Order, Does Not Pay Well Enough

Luminara is being held prisoner now, and we see the bugs holding some sort of egg thing, and then we see this:
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Look, I don’t know what kind of stipend the Jedi got, but whatever it was it was NOT ENOUGH. And I am confident their vacation time allotment was INSUFFICIENT.

The boys make some time for Banter on their way over to the throne room…

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Oh now, what makes you say that? THE GIANT BUG ZOMBIES?

…and once there, we get a feel for their surroundings: where’s Luminara?
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And where’s Poggle?
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All right then! Anakin declares that he’ll go take on the queen while they dispatch the soldiers, and Obi-Wan is like “…nah”:
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Anakin, with the weariness of a man who has seen this all before, is like “oh God…you wanna try to charm it first, don’t you???”

Hahahahaha. Obi-Wan is like “but aren’t you curious about why they took Luminara captive?” Anakin is like “I guess…” and so Obi-Wan lays out a plan:

Sometimes I Can’t Believe This Show Was Real

For a moment, let us pause so that I can queue this up for you all: Obi-Wan and Anakin, backed up by their fellow soldiers who are all genetic duplicates of a bounty hunter that I swear Obi-Wan was hitting on once because of course he was, are currently in a terrifying hellcave full of insectoid zombies because they are trying to save a fellow space wizard who has been taken prisoner by a giant bug queen. And in the midst of this complete and utter craziness, the writers were like “you know what we need right now? A dick joke”:
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Oh, sure Star Wars: go ahead and try to tell me this was simply a joke about Anakin always thinking with aggression or whatever. I KNOW THE SCORE, and SO DOES ANYONE ELSE WHO HAS EVER WATCHED THESE TWO.

Anakin is like “well, sometimes my being a yelling and killing machine has saved our asses, mmkay?” and Obi-Wan is like “tra la la, I knew they wouldn’t kill us, I am evah so smahhhht” and practically prances towards the throne with this air of TOTAL POMPOSITY around him. He is such an ass sometimes; GOD I LOVE HIM.
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Anakin keeps on snarking back about how he’ll be there to clean up Obi-Wan’s mess once his plan fails, and the two of them keep getting more and more into this as they go and once again, I would like to remind you all that at the beginning of this arc, Luminara literally had to tell them to stop disrupting a conference call with this flirty bullshit. BOYS. Can you please wait until the zombies are gone to be like “it’d be a SHAME if your plan failed and I had to rescue you heroically and then also we accidentally made out! Stop thinking with your lightsaber!”

Recurring Theme: Hilarity Thy Name Is Star Wars

They approach the throne, and Luminara is like “so…did you not hear me, or are you really this dumb”:
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And Obi-Wan. OBI-WAN. He cannot turn this shit off for 45 seconds and is like:
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LOL POOR ANAKIN. HE LOOKS SO OFFENDED AND I AM DYING. You’d think he’d have worn this like a badge of honor, really! This is like that time when Yoda summons him and is like “You. I asked for you because you have never followed directions ever in your life” and Anakin is all “…moi?”

I forgot all of this was in this episode until just now writing this recap and I am fully entertained anew.

The terrifying queen is like “oh hey look it’s the assholes who attacked our planet back in Episode 2” and in response, Obi-Wan ridiculously attempts to play Suave Negotiator General Swooshhair McHotpants here and is like ohhhh your majesty:

She ain’t buying this, and is like “um you don’t get to tell me when my reign is over”:

She does a bunch of Villain Grandstanding and then, as one of her guys produces one of those worms from before, announces that she’ll show them how she plans to “devour” them — once the worm is inside a host…
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Recurring Theme: Obi-Wan Kenobi, TOTAL NERD

OK. So the Queen Bug laid it all out FOR US here in as many words, and Obi-Wan dopily is like “huh. So maybe it’s like a hive mind! You know, like she literally just said! I am a genius!” Anakin, making the same face I am, is like CAN WE PLEASE GO NOW:

OBI-WAN INSISTS THAT HE WANTS TO KNOW HOW IT WORKS. LOL FOR DAYS. I know this is part of his silly plan and all, but how did he know it wouldn’t move on her too quickly and kill her? Or that it wouldn’t permanently eat her brain? He probably didn’t! Oh he’s a gambler, that Obi-Wan Kenobi! All in the name of science! Crazy plans! Knowledge! Morbid curiosity!

Anakin is like uhhhh:
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Luminara understandably agrees:
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Obi-Wan says this:
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…and I love that Anakin just gives in here and is like FINE I’LL PLAY:
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Luminara yells that she hopes this is part of the plan, and Obi-Wan is like NATURALLY! as his men blast the bugs with the lights from their helmets, blinding them and starting our next Big Fight Scene:
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Anakin gets to do some minor duel-wielding (yay) while the boys kick some ass and free Luminara as chaos ensues. Anakin arrests Poggle and is all Tough Guy about it, though really: Anakin should be thanking this guy. If Anakin hadn’t ended up getting arrested and almost executed on Geonosis in the first place, Padme might not have been as motivated to be like “well, I’m not a fan of the village-slaughter, and you need to work on your overall seduction game, but I guess I love you, and we’re gonna die anyways so what the hell: let’s make out”.

AND THEN, because this episode is not done delivering the laughs, Anakin suddenly notices a worm over near Obi-Wan and is like NOOO OBI-WAN I’LL SAVE YOU:
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AND OBI-WAN GETS ALL MAD BECAUSE ANAKIN SMOOSHED HIS WORM. FOR REAL:
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Anakin is unmoved, possibly because their entire quarters is already full of molds and bugs and ancient spirits and whatever the hell else Obi-Wan’s brought back with him over the years:
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LOOK AT HOW SAD OBI-WAN IS. HE JUST WANTED HIS ZOMBIE SPACE WORM. I’m somehow incredibly sad for him, but that’s probably mostly because I’m always at least a little bit sad for Obi-Wan. ANAKIN KILLS EVERYTHING HE LOVES, EVEN HIS MIND CONTROL WORM.

Recurring Theme: Yeah That’ll Probably Never Come Up Again

The gang have a Daring Escape from the catacombs, and they blow the place to pieces in an effort to bury the queen and her henchmen. They watch the place go up in dust, and Anakin snarks:

Wanna guess what Obi-Wan is still lamenting the loss of?
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He, fairly, points out that it might have been helpful to know how the queen was controlling the minds of her minions. Nah, Obes: I’m sure the concept of one evil thing controlling the minds and actions of millions of helpless innocent soldiers is never gonna be a thing again after this. And even if it did, I’m sure it won’t impact you directly in the most horrifying way imaginable or anything! Don’t even give it a second thought. *sobs*
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We end on Anakin’s hope that those secrets are now Buried Forever, and the iris wipe shoos us away into the credits! That can mean only one thing: we’ve made it through yet another Wacky Clone Wars Recap, so that’s all for today! Thanks for joining me, readers!