Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, Part II: The Last Days of Jedha

RO-part-ii-0101Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (Part II)

Welcome back to Rogue One, the heartwarming story of a group of unlikely friends who have some laughs, Save The Day, and live happily ever after just like everybody always does ha ha ha ha ha!

Last time, in the introductory recap for this film, Reluctant Rebel Jyn Erso had a traumatic childhood, was rescued from an Imperial prison by the Rebel Alliance, and struck a deal with Mon Mothma, Bail Organa, and their friends at the Foundation For a Sheev-Free Galaxy. The gist of said deal is: she’s going to help the Rebellion get an audience with Saw Gerrera (who has gone, uh, slightly insane since the Clone Wars, much like numerous people in this universe,) so that they can take custody of Bodhi Rook, a former Imperial cargo pilot who has Allegedly Hot Information about This Mysterious Superweapon Project that the Empire’s undertaking.

Our guy Saw is now hanging out in a Ridiculous Lair (though not nearly the most ridiculous lair we’ll see in this film) over on Jedha, a planet that was once home to a Jedi Temple and therefore is covered in Ostentatious, Enormous Statues of Jedi That Look Like Obi-Wan (because nearly every giant Jedi statue looks mostly like Obi-Wan, possibly because Anakin had a part-time gig as the Jedi Order’s Primary Sculptor at one point, I don’t know.) When we left off, Rebel Badass Cassian Andor, his companion and Saltiest Droid Ever K-2SO, and Jyn were off in search of Saw. Unbeknownst to Jyn, Cassian had also been instructed that, should he find himself with an opportunity to take out Jyn’s dad Galen — who’s been helping develop the Death Star for the last zillion years because this is the LONGEST GOVERNMENT PROJECT EVER, he needed to go for it. DUN DUN DUUUUUN!

OK, I think we’re all caught up. To Jedha we go!

Bodhi Rook, Deserves a Statue

We start off over at Saw’s place, and Saw? Has seen better days, my friends. Let’s just say he clearly didn’t have the cybernetics budget that, say, Vader had:

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Bodhi is dragged in before him, still with a bag over his head. Saw, ranting in a majorly paranoid way, declares that Bodhi is lying to him about having defected, etc etc.

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Bodhi at last gets to see who he’s talking to, and Saw is, uh, not quite in the shape Bodhi was clearly expecting:

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He tells Saw that the message he brought is for him — from Galen Erso! And that he wasn’t captured — he defected!

Saw sizes him up, and then makes a pronouncement: Bor Gullet!

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Poor Bodhi. Risked his life to defect from the Empire, is going to escape death like 5 more times in this movie, and he’s still not going to get a happy ending here. This sweet man tried so hard. I hope he at least got a street named after him on Hosnian Prime. Before it got blown up by the First Order. Sigh.

Recurring Theme: The Real Housewives of the Galactic Empire

OH LORD. All right, so now we shift over to Team Evil, where on a Star Destroyer, things are about to get super bitchy (and, frankly, awesome.)

Krennic walks into Yet Another Room With a Giant Picture Window, where he’s about to get a dressing-down from one of his colleagues. Who, you ask?

Yes! Grand Moff Tarkin, brought back from the actual dead through the power of our friends at ILM (hey, there’s a reason “Magic” is literally part of their name.) YOU GUYS: I am such a nerd for this shit. I gasped when I saw him. This is so cool! I love, love, love when Star Wars gets bold and does something crazy like this and shows off some new thing they figured out how to do. (Actually, really, I always want Star Wars to get bold and do new crazy things, just in general. KEEP STAR WARS WEIRD 2KINFINITY.)

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ANYWAYS. Please allow me to tell you how much I also love the content of this scene, which more or less boils down to: Krennic and Tarkin pretty much hate each other, and it’s wonderful. I live for bitchy Imperials being catty to each other. I would watch an entire series that was just these two, Vader and Sheev and a supporting cast of assorted bad guys being assholes and gossiping about each other over mimosas and buying each other passive-aggressive Secret Santa gifts in the office Life Day exchange. (You will never convince me that those things did not happen.)

I Have Altered The Deal

Tarkin is all WELP now you’ve gone and done it, Krennic: that cargo pilot got away and if the Senate finds out what we’re up to, it’s gonna be a bad scene: everyone’s gonna want to join up with the Rebels!

Krennic is not worried: once they start blasting shit into oblivion with the Death Star…

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Tarkin’s like “nah, we can’t wait anymore. Sheev wants results and he wants them yesterday“:

So with that, Tarkin declares they’re FINALLY going to test out the Death Star on Jedha. And it better not suck, Krennic:

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Oh, I don’t know, Tarkin. From what I’ve seen, Sheev’s actually like THE most patient person in this entire franchise. He spent decades working his Overarching Evil Plan, for one thing — to say nothing of the fact that he has had to regularly put up with Anakin Skywalker, and now he can’t even unload him on Obi-Wan most of the time.

Krennic, again, is not worried — at least not outwardly. He’s quite confident:

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With that, Krennic cape-ily sashays out of the room (BLESS YOU STAR WARS), and Tarkin goes back to the window to gaze lovingly at the Death Star. I swear to GOD, “staring out a gigantic window” is the #1 Pastime of this entire galaxy.

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Recurring Theme: Dreaming About My Tragic Past

Jyn, meanwhile, is having a vivid dream about her childhood — a mishmash of snippets of her and her parents back on Coruscant, watching them meet forebodingly with Krennic:

…she also sees bits and pieces of her last moments with her parents, and being collected by Saw after they’re gone, and then she snaps awake and grabs her kyber crystal necklace:

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Cassian informs her that they’re arriving on Jedha…

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You don’t even know the half of it, Andor. Let’s just say that if you guys were planning to send Mon Mothma a postcard from this place, you best do it with a quickness. *sob*

Recurring Theme: Delayed Realization Syndrome

They get out of their ship, and Jyn asks what’s up with the Star Destroyer that’s parked just beyond where they landed.

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Seems Saw’s been attacking the shipments going through. Ah. But it’s not what the Empire is bringing in, but what they’re taking out that’s a problem: kyber crystals! A lot of them! And now they know…

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I just…I mean, I get that the Death Star was unlike anything people had seen before and so the galaxy at large didn’t have a reason to automatically assume the Empire was up to something like this, but I am just dying that it took everyone GOING ON TWENTY YEARS to connect the dots that the thing the Empire was mining relentlessly across the galaxy was being used in a weapon. What the hell else WOULD they be doing with it? Collecting kyber crystals because Sheev just needs stones for his rock tumbler? Vader’s starting his own line of jewelry? Tarkin’s going to start selling them on Galactic QVC? PLEASE, PEOPLE. SEARCH YOUR FEELINGS.

Recurring Theme: The Loving Friendships of Star Wars

Jyn suggests, as she and Cassian prepare to head out in search of Saw:

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LOL. Rude! K-2 is not impressed:

Cassian says that Jyn is right:  K-2 should stay with the ship. He probably also says this because I’m pretty sure telling your droid to stay with the ship when you are about to go off in search of shit that might kill you is actually required by law in this galaxy. No robot has ever been actually invited along on anything ever. Everyone should be glad that their droids never listen to their instructions, either, given how often the droids end up saving their asses. (But I’m getting ahead of myself.)

K-2 is like “um hello? I am an Imperial droid?” Jyn sasses back that this is a planet under Imperial occupation:

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K-2 replies that he’s surprised that Jyn is so concerned for his safety.

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GEEZ, girl. I know you don’t want to be on this Rebel Field Trip, but still.

Even better, as Cassian and Jyn leave him behind, he deadpans while dumping the items Jyn gave to him:

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HAHAHA, his posture. I love this guy. I feel like he and Obi-Wan would have gotten along really well and had a ball dragging Anakin together.

Recurring Theme: Something Weird Happened At Work Today

Back at Saw’s Lair of Weirdness, our pal Bodhi is finding out just what that whole Bor Gullet thing was about:

LOL. I mean, I feel bad for Bodhi here, but HOW IS THIS A THING. Oh, Star Wars. How does this work? Can Saw speak to this horrifying hellbeast? Does it read peoples’ minds and then generate a nice Excel spreadsheet cataloging a person’s deceptions for Saw to review? Whatever the hell is going on here, it is RIDICULOUS.

Better still are the lines they gave Saw, who delivers them with exactly the level of Total Seriousness About Complete Batshittery that Star Wars deserves.

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Star Wars is really at its best for me when the characters stay firmly in-universe and seem to truly believe the insanity going on around them.

Recurring Theme: Disney Really Wants You To Remember That One Star Wars Movie

Pfft. OK, so now we’re in Jedha City with Cassian and Jyn, and we get a cool shot of a diverse street scene — families with small kids, clerics, robots, and for absolutely no reason whatsoever other than to make old fanboys happy, these guys:

I am sorry, people: you all know I love Star Wars with my whole heart, but for me, this really skirts the line between Regular Star Wars Stupidity and Actual Stupidity. Come on: really? These guys are here, too? (I mean, why not, I guess, and I suppose we do learn soon enough why they might have chosen to leave here and head for Tatooine what with the GIANT EXPLOSIONS that are forthcoming, BUT STILL.) Yes, Disney: we get it. People like Famous Original Star Wars, and you feel it is very important for us to revisit this. Trust me: you could not have been clearer about that. AHEM. Fine: we’ll chalk this one up to the Will of the Force or whatever.

ANYWAYS. I digress. As Jyn and Cassian make their way through the crowd, a Public Service Announcement from the Empire plays nearby, advising people that they’re looking for Bodhi:

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The message notes that anyone with information can get a 600-credit reward, which, considering that this guy could torpedo their entire secret superweapon project, REALLY seems like the Empire is lowballing it. 600 credits? Surely you can afford more than that, guys. Vader must blow that much per week on pay-per-view podracing and Helmet Buffing alone.

Recurring Theme: Dramatic Pronouncement

Cassian says they need to look for one of Saw’s rebel pals that can help get them a meeting with him. Or so he hopes. Jyn is incredulous: he only hopes he can get an audience for them?

Cassian declares:

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I love when people say Fateful Stuff like this in Star Wars that practically sounds like something they’ve just been waiting for an excuse to say. It makes me feel like everything I say on daily basis is just so…lacking in Extra.

Chirrut Imwe, A Damn Delight

Cassian says they need to look for some particular one of Saw’s rebel pals that can help get them a meeting with him. They wade through the throng of people, and Cassian tells Jyn to stay put while he goes to get some more info, and that’s when Jyn starts hearing a voice:

Who could it be? Why, it’s Chirrut Imwe! And Jyn is Super Confused at how this blind man could see her well-concealed necklace:

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Oh God, do I love the Space Monks in this movie. Yes, Chirrut is one of the Guardians of the Whills, which as far as this movie is concerned can be best described as like…Associate Jedi. Like, they don’t use laser swords or levitate rocks or scramble people’s brains with their Hair Swoosh, but they do love Force Nonsense AND they can still 12,000% kick your ass around the block. And they, too, are also very attached to their BFFs.

Chirrut and Jyn have a brief exchange about her necklace:

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Jyn says her dad told her about them:

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While all this is happening, Chirrut’s other half, Baze Malbus, broods in the corner, packing heat:

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Cassian pulls Jyn away all “stop talking to weird Force-using strangers, honey” (which, honestly, is really good advice overall) and leads her off back into the crowd.

Recurring Theme: Anakin Skywalker, Totally The Empire’s Copywriter

Jyn asks who those guys were. Cassian:

LOL. I completely believe that, but also I sincerely doubt that anyone Jedi-related wasn’t already causing trouble long before the Order was eradicated and the Empire showed up here. We all know drama follows in the wake of the Jedi’s hilariously long robes wherever they go.

Jyn presses Cassian — he seems even more edgy than before. What’s up?

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Yes, a whole lot of stormtroopers are moving into the area, and tensions are rising. There’s some sort of recorded message playing about the Empire and how much it cares about you, too:

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Hahaha. Sure. God, Anakin is definitely involved in the Empire’s advertising campaigns. And he is very, very one-note. Peace! Freedom! Security! Also Has Anyone Seen Obi-Wan!

As expected, a giant melee breaks out:

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Flaming Wreckage and Indistinct Screaming: Star Wars In a Nutshell

Recurring Theme: I Can Handle Myself

Jyn and Cassian make a break for it in the midst of all of this, and Jyn proves that she really doesn’t need much help cutting down stormtroopers, as Cassian looks on, suitably impressed:

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Then, an Imperial droid that looks REAL familiar shows up, and Jyn shoots him down:

Oh no! Was that…?

Hahahaha. This scene can’t even be snarked, because it already brought the humor itself. Yes, once again a robot has arrived to save the day, and as usual it’s giving some sass to its human counterparts. First, K-2 complains that he got bored with waiting on the ship, and he also observes, as he casually flings a bomb into a gaggle of stormtroopers like it’s absolutely nothing, that they SURE ARE MAKING A SCENE FOR TWO PEOPLE TRYING TO GO UNNOTICED. (Welcome to Star Wars, buddy. No one has ever been subtle about absolutely anything.)

They eventually end up running into still more stormtroopers, and half-ass their way through a Patented Star Wars Fake Prisoner Scam:

LOL. Well, in fairness, they’re about as good at this as any other group of heroes making shit up as they go along in Star Wars (looking at you, Han “Situation Normal” Solo.)

Amusingly, K-2 really tries to sell it here by slapping Cassian across the face:

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…it doesn’t take, and that’s when basically the heavens open up and the Force makes an appearance:

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*cue Binary Sunset*

Recurring Theme: I Am One With The Force So Don’t Fuck With Me

Chirrut approaches the group, advising the troopers: let them pass in peace. 

They keep telling him to halt, and he just ignores it, sensing things around him on a superhuman level, and that’s when Chirrut? JUST ABSOLUTELY KICKS THESE GUYS’ ASSES LIKE HOLY SHIT:

I love the fact that the Jedi and all of their friends were like Let’s Just All Be Mellow and Seek Contentment and yet they are all like, ready to THROWN DOWN AND MURDER SOMEONE at the drop of a hat.

Chirrut takes out one wave of troopers, and just when another round is set to shoot him, his husband comes to his rescue:

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Recurring Theme: Space Monk Husband Bickering

In the grand tradition of all Force Boyfriends, they immediately snark about who saved who, and somewhere Obi-Wan Kenobi’s heart surely filled with both warmth and extreme wistfulness. (Don’t worry, Kenobes: you and Anakin will be reunited in a day or so.)

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As should surprise no one, I love them. Cassian asks Baze if Chirrut is a Jedi, no doubt because Chirrut not only kicked a bunch of peoples’ asses but also because he seems to have a reckless disregard for his own physical safety. Baze sighs:

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As I experience Extreme Deja Vu, Jyn asks if they can take them to Saw Gerrera, and at the mention of Saw’s name, his crew appears. After a bit of a tussle, Jyn throws out there that:

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Oh REALLY, they press: and why is that?

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DUN DUN DUUUUN! The gang is taken prisoner, and have bags put over their heads, and Star Wars just can’t help itself:

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Nothing To See Here
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As the group is led to Saw’s Paranoia Palace, we see the star destroyer and some other ships starting to pull away from the planet. Well! I’m sure that’s nothing to be alarmed about.

The boys get thrown into a cell together, and we see a rough crowd assembled in a room just outside the cell door, playing dejarik and watching a holo of a dancing Twi’lek girl and the usual Dank Backroom sort of fare that is typical in this galaxy:

Chirrut Imwe, Should Have Been The Jedi Order’s Shrink

In the cell, Chirrut is praying. Baze needles him about this, and Chirrut counters:

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Cassian, for his part, is not so sure about this whole thing:

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Chirrut remarks that this isn’t the first time they’ve been imprisoned. Cassian sighs that this is a new thing for him, and Chirrut insightfully observes:

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At this, Cassian looks called out, and I think to myself that maybe Chirrut should have spent some time doing exactly this to Anakin Skywalker a time or twelve. Break down those walls, Imwe! Wear him down! Get that boy talking about his Secret Pain! Sigh.

Recurring Theme: Reunited And It Feels So Bad

While the boys stew in their cell and Feel Ways About Things, Jyn is brought before Saw.

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Initially, she looks both upset and yet slightly relieved to see him again. Saw, however, doesn’t seem to be as conflicted, loudly greeting her:

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Jyn seems…not as into this:

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Saw, confused, replies: aren’t we still friends, little camper? Don’t you remember that Freedom Fighter-themed birthday party I threw you when you turned 10? All those good times we had living in a bunker? Or how I taught you how to kill a man with piano wire?

The two of them hash out the circumstances that led to their parting ways: Saw had given Jyn some weapons, and basically abandoned her:

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Saw softens, and says with sincerity:

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…and then gets this look on his face, like he wants to believe that Jyn’s just here to have some coffee and gab about what she’s been up to and talk about who’s going to whose house for Thanksgiving this year, but he’s just…unsure. This timing? HIGHLY SUSPECT!

Recurring Theme: We Are Out of New Dialogue

All of this leads Saw to conclude:

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I mean, all things considered, being concerned that your child is here to kill you IS a reasonable reaction in this universe. In general, you just really, really don’t want to run into anyone you had any kind of mentoring or guidance relationship with if it’s been awhile. Someone will almost definitely end up dead by the end of it.

Jyn doesn’t even have time for his ranting here, and flatly tells him that the Alliance is just after her dad. They just figured that if she came to ask him to do it, he might actually help them.

Recurring Theme: I’ll Never Be Like You, Dad

Saw considers her: and what do YOU want, Jyn? Hmm? You in it for the revolution?

Jyn is completely and totally done with all of them — she says plainly that they wanted an introduction, they got one, and now she’s going to peace out. Saw looks saddened by this: doesn’t Jyn care about the cause?

Saw blanches: you really don’t care if the Empire wins? If you have to pay for everything with Sheev Bucks, and have the post office and banks be closed the Monday after the Emperor’s birthday from now until the end of time?

Jyn is like SO WHAT I DON’T CARE WHY WOULD I, FUCK ALL Y’ALL:

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Saw sighs, and with that, tells her he has something to show her that will absolutely not involve emotionally devastating parental pathos because that’s not what Star Wars is about at all.

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…and that’s where I leave you this time, friends! Next time, on Orson Krennic Tries To Meet His Annual Performance Goals With Mixed Results, there’ll be more Imperial bitchery, the Jedi Order will suffer insult to injury, and we’ll be hurtling headlong into yet another Dramatic Death Scene. Don’t forget your rainproof cape! I’ll see you then.