The Clone Wars, Season 3, Episode 16: Maybe We Should Be Writing This All Down


The Clone Wars, Season 3, Episode 16: Altar of Mortis
This is the second part of a three-part arc. To start at the beginning, go here.

So as our friends proceed to leave the Wacky World of Mortis, we see Obi-Wan in the driver’s seat of their shuttle, Ahsoka wandering around the ship aimlessly, and Anakin once again trying fitfully to sleep. I like how Obi-Wan is the dad on their long car trips.

We zoom in on Anakin’s face as he winces in his sleep, and we get white-outed to Anakin now awakening in a field.


Double Your Pleasure, Double Your Fun

Someone is trying to wake Anakin up, and…it’s Anakin! Wow. Two Anakins. Ahem. Well then. The off-color jokes I could make right now are limitless and at least 75% of them involve Obi-Wan, but I won’t do that to you, reader. Beyond the heading of this section.


No comment.

Additional Anakin tells Actual Anakin he is the Chosen One, and I have to say, Actual Anakin’s face at hearing this is like “…yep. I know. I’m awesome.” It’s pretty funny.



Oh, everybody’s always saying that.


Of course, Additional Anakin is an illusion – he’s actually The Son, who is once again proselytizing on behalf of the Dark Side. Maybe Anakin would like to change his mind about attending their free seminar? Can he put him on a mailing list?

Anakin drops this little chunk o’ dramatic irony on us, and says he’ll never become a Sith:


The Son tells him that he doesn’t want Anakin to become a Sith, he wants Anakin to help him destroy the Jedi AND the Sith. The Son then goes into a fury and bursts into flames, becoming a demon and starting towards Anakin, which jolts him awake.

Obi-Wan gripes about how he needs some help if Anakin’s done napping, and before Anakin can bitch back at him because that is Their Way, Ahsoka starts choking at the hand of The Son, who’s evidently snuck on board their ship:



This guy: kind of a creep.


The Son surmises (correctly) that if he nabs Ahsoka, Anakin won’t leave Mortis without her. He opens a hatch and drops down, with Ahsoka in his clutches, and flies off in Evil Gremlin form.

Anakin flips the fuck out, because of course he does because he always takes this kind of news in an even-keel Jediesque way, and takes over the controls of the shuttle from a confused Obi-Wan. They go on a crazy chase which culminates in them slamming into the ground and The Son escaping with Ahsoka.

Don’t Walk Away From Me: Preview Edition

Obi-Wan and Anakin get into it over what to do next. Obi-Wan is adamant that they need to stay sane and maybe go talk to The Father about what to do, and Anakin is freaking out because he can’t leave Ahsoka behind.

Obi-Wan wisely notes that, again, this place is weird as hell, and that whatever Anakin does could like, break the universe.  Anakin naturally ignores this sage advice (and not for the last fucking time,) and goes off on his own to find Ahsoka.

Never Underestimate the Bite of the Dark Side


Ahsoka is trapped in a prison cell of sorts and a weird, icky looking creature is telling her that her Master isn’t coming for her, and she should forget about him. Then he bites her and she goes Dark Side:


The Dark Side: not always super attractive.


Naturally of course, once again it’s The Son at work and this is all part of his Eeeevil plan.

Alone Again, Naturally

Back at the shuttle, Obi-Wan is doing that weird thing the writers do sometimes where they make him talk to nobody like a crazy person, and as usual he’s taking this time to vent about Anakin’s recklessness. Dude, I love you, but you doth protest too much.


He notes that he needs to find The Father. But where?

We Need to Discuss Your Behavior, Son

We pan up to the Temple of Destiny, where The Father is lecturing The Son about getting too powerful, breaking the rules, and upsetting the balance of the universe with, and I quote, his “anger and desire for power,” and YES WE GET IT STAR WARS OMG. Sorry, I am going to say that a lot in this arc.


The two of them go back and forth and The Son eventually says this to him, because I’m like 99% sure we’re just…out of new lines for people to say in these situations now.


The Son, in a fury, then Force-Lightnings The Father, knocking him down a flight of stairs as Obi-Wan approaches. So yeah, just so we’re clear: Obi-Wan is left to tend to The Balance alone with only The Light left in his corner while The Darkness goes full-tilt crazy elsewhere. You guys picking up what they’re laying down here? God, I hope so because they could not make it clearer even though they will.


We continue our Journey of The Great Dress Rehearsal as the two of them attempt to revive The Father, and The Daughter tells Obi-Wan he’s too weak to talk to Obi-Wan right now or help them go after The Son. Obi-Wan presses:


Spoiler alert: she is not the only person in this scene about whom this is true.

The Daughter tells him that she can’t interfere with the ways of the Force, then tells him to follow her.

Recurring Theme: Let’s Go Into a Weirdass Cave


So she leads him into a cave, which ends up leading into a HUGE cavern with a mystical blade at an altar (the titular Altar of Mortis, of course,) and she tells him that whoever wields the blade will be able to control her brother. And…OK, fine. Sure. I’m not even going to bother.


Obi-Wan’s Life is Insane, Part 56

So Obi-Wan takes the blade, he and the Daughter make meaningful eye contact and solemnly nod, and we cut back to Anakin superhumanly scaling a cliff in pursuit of Ahsoka.

My Allegiance is to the Republic; TO DEMOCRACY – STOP BEING WEIRD: Preview Edition

Anakin finds her, and of course she’s Evil now, so she starts asking him all sorts of oddball questions about why he isn’t more supportive of her, and talking about how he never believed in her, and then tells him to join the dark side because everyone is always asking Anakin to do that.


This also means that Anakin gets a chance to stand on the other side of the screen this time and plead for sanity, while a crazy person with Sith eyes rambles at him about how they’ve embraced their full potential.


For the 2,000th time: HEED THESE WORDS, ANAKIN.

So it’s Anakin, then, who gets to be the one who’s all “HELLO, this evil dude brainwashed you, stop being a douche and let’s GO,” and really, like, because of this series and perhaps especially this arc, every single person in Revenge of the Sith comes off like a total and complete doofus, ESPECIALLY Anakin and Obi-Wan, but that’s OK. Seriously Skywalker: take out your smartphone and get a picture of all of this. And then maybe review this material again before Palpatine invites you to the opera.

Recurring Theme: Don’t Make Me Fail to Kill You

So naturally Ahsoka’s too high on Vitamin Crazy to be reasoned with, and Anakin is told he’ll have to kill her, which, again: we get it. So it’s blue vs green as the two of them begin to duke it out:


We Are Officially Out of New Dialogue

Back at the Temple of Weird, Obi-Wan and The Daughter are trying to reason with The Son, who says simply that he’s done what is right, and what is wrong…


…not this shit again.

The Son tells them that they can’t keep him there, and when they counter that they can if they have Anakin helping them, he tells them that they might wanna check up on how our friend The Chosen One is faring.


Strike that, reverse it. But not yet.

Anakin is just starting to really fight back against Ahsoka when Obi-Wan arrives to make it a Blue-Blue vs Green fight:


While this is all going down, the Light and the Dark also take the fight indoors. And finally just as we’ve hit the obligatory “force push against each other until we both fly backwards” portion of our program…


The Father steps in and puts a stop to it:


Recurring Theme: Taunt the Old Guy

There’s some bad guy grandstanding on behalf of The Son which includes YET ANOTHER more or less recycled piece of dialogue:

20160324_224601000_iOS…and then just as Anakin takes the Mortis Blade from Obi-Wan, Ahsoka steals it and hands it off to The Son.

Famous Last Words


Oh yeah, this is always true for everyone in this franchise when they say this.

Her usefulness outlived, The Son then kills Ahsoka with a touch of his hand to her forehead (prompting the legally-mandated NOOO from Anakin,) and he is about to impale The Father as his final act, when The Daughter throws herself in between them and takes the Mauling on his behalf. The Son freaks out and flies away, and The Father and The dying Daughter are left with Team Jedi to figure out WTF to do next.


Not good.

So now it looks like we are well and truly screwed, and Mortis begins to start flaking apart around them. Anakin pleads with The Father to help save Ahsoka, but he is told there’s no hope left. Naturally we get this in return.


Is there, though?

The Daughter’s last act is to help Anakin breathe life back into Ahsoka, and just WTF is even happening you guys, seriously:


The Father then tells them to get the hell out of there, before the Son can steal their ride home. He’ll stay here and mourn what he’s done, and in the meantime, shit is going to get exponentially worse throughout their universe: the Sith will gain strength and the war will get more violent. Both accurate. I realllllly kinda wish these guys were writing ANY OF THIS DOWN since everyone in this galaxy has the memory of a goldfish.


…maybe consider mentioning all of this to, oh, anyone when you return.

The Father and Daughter are together one last time and the iris wipe arrives to show us out.

Next Time on TCW Goes to Crazytown: We get a sneak preview of that fun vacation Anakin and Obi-Wan take to see the volcano, and once again Episode 3 Obi-Wan looks even more clueless than I ever thought possible.

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Recurring Themes and More

Ahsoka Tano Anakin Is The Worst Employee I Swear to God Anakin Loves Ahsoka Anakin Loves Obi-Wan Anakin Loves Padme Anakin Loves Palpatine Anakin Skywalker - Human Lightning Rod Anakin Skywalker and His Life of Bad Choices Asajj Ventress Bad Ideas of the Jedi Bail Loves Obi-Wan Bail Organa Beru Whitesun Bo-Katan Kryze Boba Fett Bounty Hunters Cad Bane Carnelion IV Chewbacca Count Dooku Crappy Destiny Crystal Quest Dagobah Darksaber Dark Side Foreshadow Darth Sidious Darth Sidious Makes a Guest Appearance as Himself Darth Vader Darth Vader Screws Himself Over Electrocution Enough of That Old Trauma Let's Start Experiencing Some New Trauma Faked Death Force Vision Quest General Grievous Geonosis Han Loves Leia Han Solo Holocrons with the Jedi Order's Famous Chili Recipe Hondo Ohnaka I'm More Powerful Than All of You I'm No Jedi I'm Suing This Show For Pain and Suffering I Am a Jedi Jabba the Hutt Jedi Kids Kolara Leia Organa Luke Loves Obi-Wan Luke Skywalker Luke Skywalker's Neverending Personal Destiny Quests Mace Windu Mandalore Martini Drinking Maul More Bummers Brought to You By Anakin Skywalker Mother Pran Mustafar My Ridiculously Circuitous Plan is One-Quarter Complete No One Can See Me With My Hood On Obi-Wan's Life is the Worst Obi-Wan and Anakin Need Marriage Counseling Obi-Wan Brings People Together Obi-Wan Earns That Paycheck Obi-Wan Loves Anakin Obi-Wan Loves Luke Obi-Wan McSassypants and the Angry One Oblivious to the Obvious One More Thing For Obi-Wan To Discuss with His Therapist Ostentaciousness Is Our Speciality Owen Lars Padme Amidala Padme Loves Anakin Palpatine Strikes Again Pre Vizsla Qui-Gon Jinn Revenge of Revenge of the Sith Rex Ridiculous Complexity Sana Starros Satine Kryze Savage Oppress Secret History Reveal Sithtacular Sithtacular Tarkin Tatooine The Beginning of the End Again The Dark Side Stole My Boyfriend The Dark Times The Death Watch Is Not A Shitty Band The Jedi Council's Greatest Hits The Unbearable Sadness of Obi-Wan This Show Is Insane Tragic Backstory Tuskens Undercover Why Are You Doing This To Me Filoni Haven't I Suffered Enough Why Knock When You Can Just Badass Your Way In Wistful Sunset Gazing Yoda You Can Kill Pretty Much Anyone Except Maul

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